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The art of war...Gabby style!
Gabbydo
The Scene: Xena and Willow are arguing over their girls. It seems that there has been a a misunderstanding...
Willow: She's mine!
Xena: No, she's mine.
W: You can't have her!
X: Just try and stop me.
Willow leaps at Xena. They struggle for a short time before falling to ground. Xena quickly rolls on top of Willow, and
sits on her chest.
X: I think she's mine.
W: No way!
Xena starts bouncing up and down on top of her. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: Are you sure about that? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
W: UGH! But I really love Tara!
X: Tara? Oops! Sorry! I thought you meant Gabrielle! You can have Tara...
The Scene: Gabby and Willow are arguing about Buffy vs Xena..
G: You know Xena would win, don't you?
W: Of course not! Buffy would easily beat her. She is the Slayer, after all.
G: That doesn't matter, Xena nearly beat Hercules. You can't tell me that Buffy could stand up to Hercules, could you?
W: Well, no, I guess not. She could still beat Xena, though!
G (dripping with sarcasm here): Sure she could... and pigs could fly, too.
W: Are you dissing my friend?
G: Yes, I am. What of it?
W: Apologise!
G: Or what?
W: Or I'll turn you into a frog or something! I'm a witch, you know!
Gabrielle leaps at Willow. They fall to the floor, and in about 10 seconds, Gabrielle is sitting on Willow's chest, while kneeling on her arms.
G: Come on, witch, let's see you cast a spell now!
Gabrielle starts bouncing up and down on top of her. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
W: Ugh! I... can't... BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
G: Of course you can't, you need your hands and breath to cast spells, and you don't... BOUNCE! have... BOUNCE! either! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! Now, who would win?
W: Buffy! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
G: A loyal sort, aren't you? BOUNCE! Oh well, we can fix that. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! Again, who... BOUNCE! would... BOUNCE! win? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
W: OK, Xena would win... (pant, pant)
G: That's better... BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
W: What was that for?
G: Just... BOUNCE! because... BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
W: Could you please get off me?
G: Not right now... BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! I'm having too much fun... BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
The Scene: Following some GABBYDO on Willow, Tara decides to show Xena and Gabby a thing or two...
Tara and Willow start casting a spell. For some unknown reason, Xena and Gabby turn up before it's finished...
X: What are they doing?
G: Casting a spell! It's being directed at us. Do you think we should stop them?
X: Maybe we should.
The girls jump on the other girls unexpectedly, interrupting their spell. The action quickly heads to ground, where Xena sits on Tara's chest, and Gabby sits on Willow's chest.
G: And what spell were we casting today?
W: Um... er... nothing...
Gabrielle starts bouncing up and down on Willow's chest.
G: Pardon me? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
W: Um... we were going to turn you two into rats...
X: Is that true?
T: Er... yes...
Xena starts bouncing up and down on Tara's chest as well. Both girls are in full flight now, intent on squashing their captives...
G: Turn us into rats!? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! We'll see about that! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! Rats indeed! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: I'll show you rats! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! How do you like these rats!? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
A couple of minutes later...
G: Xena, I just thought of something... BOUNCE! BOUNCE! BOUNCE!
X: What's that, Gabrielle? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
G: How can we be sure that they won't try again? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: Hmmm... BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
The Scene: Xena and Gabrielle are back home, discussing a few things between themselves...
X: I see that I've taught you well.
G: Huh? What do you mean?
X: I saw the way you handled the witch. It was the same way I used to handle you.
G: What do you mean 'used to?'
X: How true. Maybe I should give you a few more lessons...
G: Don't you dare! If you try anything, I'll...
X: You'll what?
G: Um... er... I don't know, but I'll think of something!
Gabby mock-glares at Xena. Xena mock-glares back, before their faces dissolve into smiles. Suddenly, and without warning, Xena attacks, throwing herself at Gabby...
Gabby catches Xena and rolls through as she does so, using Xena's momentum to roll on top of Xena. Gabby sits on Xena's chest, pinning her down.
G: Look at who I caught! What do you say?
X: Nothing. I'm not saying anything.
G: Listen to the Warrior Princess, now! We'll see about that!
Gabby starts bouncing up and down on Xena's chest.
G: Say it! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: No... ugh... you're getting fat, Gabrielle.
G: Fat? Me?? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! Now say it! BOUNCE
BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: Fine! You win. Are you happy now?
G: Yes! Was that really so hard to say?
X: I guess not. UGH! What was that for?
G: That... BOUNCE! was... BOUNCE! for... BOUNCE! calling... BOUNCE! me... BOUNCE! fat! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: I'm sorry, Gabrielle.
G: That's better. BOUNCE!
X: What was that for?
G: I'm savouring the moment. I don't get to do this very often, now do I?
X: Speaking of something that we don't get to do very often...
G: Xena!
The Scene: Gabrielle and Xena are sitting near the campfire, discussing recent events...
G: That was weird. Who were those people, and where were we?
X: Who knows? Besides, I noticed you had a good time "interacting" with them.
G (blushing): Huh? What are you talking about?
X: I heard a few things... Some people were quite... breathless after you had finished with them.
G (blushes a little more, looks away): You should be careful what you say! I'll give you a taste of last night's fare!
X: You would!?
G: Xena!
Gabby fires herself at Xena, who reacts by trying to throw Gabby over her hip, but Gabby holds on and rolls through to end up on top Xena. She quickly sits on Xena, kneeling on her arms...
X: My, you have learned a lot!
G: Damn right I have! Now, do you give up?
X: No!
G: OK, will you stop teasing me!?
X: Not likely...
G: Fine! I'll just have to make you!
Gabby starts bouncing up and down on top of Xena...
G: Now what do you say!
X (puffing and panting): I swear you're getting heavier by the day! Maybe you should start dieting...
G: I beg your pardon!?? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: OK, maybe not...
G: Now, say it! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X (mock-wheezing): I... can't... No... breath!
G: BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! I said, say sorry! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: Sorry! I'm sorry I teased you...
G: Sure you are, sure you are. And? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: Fine! I give up! Are you happy!?
G: I win! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: Oof! I hate victory bouncing...
G: Hmmm, all this activity has made me...
X: Hungry, as usual?
G (one of "those" smiles on her face): No, something else beginning with 'h'...
X: Ooh!
The Scene: Another day has passed, and Gabby and Xena are sitting by the campfire, discussing Gabby's fighting style...
X: You know, you've come a long way in the last 5 summers. I remember when you couldn't even punch properly!
G: I remember those days, too. (under her breath) Damn Lilla...
X: What was that? Something about your little sister?
G: Yeah, well.
X: Why, what was she like?
G: She was, and is a great person!
X: But... ?
G: Well, she used to beat me up sometimes...
X: You? (thinks about it for a few seconds) I could believe that. You were a bit... er... soft when I first met you.
G: Soft? Me?
X: Yes, you. (She motions to her stomach) Especially in certain areas...
G: Hey!
X: Come to think about it, nothing's really changed, has it?
G: Hey!! Need I remind you of the last two nights??
X (blushes): Yes, well... That's only 'cause I let you win.
G: You let me win!? Why you little...
Gabby throws herself at Xena. Xena tries to throw Gabby over her hip, but Gabby holds on and rolls through. Xena rolls through with her and tries another hip throw, but again Gabby rolls through, finishing on top of Xena. She quickly sits on Xena's chest, and kneels on her arms...
G: You let me win!?! Like today, huh?
A livid Gabrielle starts bouncing up and down on top of Xena...
G: I'll give you soft! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! Let me win, will you!? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! We'll see about that! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X (breathless): OK... I didn't really let you win... PUFF! You won all by yourself.
G: And? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: And you aren't really soft any more...
G: BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! And?
X: And I give up, you win!
G: I win, I win! 3 in a row! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: Oof! So she bounces 3 times to celebrate... of course!
G: You know, you're starting to look a little soft yourself, Xena.
X: Oh? And just what do you suggest I do about it?
G: I'm thinking of something we can both do about it...
X: Ooh!
It's the next night, and Gabrielle and Xena are sitting next to the campfire, Xena watching Gabrielle finish her dinner...
X: No wonder I feel so flat!
G: Huh? What are you saying?
X: It's because you eat so much!
G: Hey! If I'm going to get up to strenuous activity, I need to eat a lot of food. You shouldn't complain too much, you get plenty of activity out of it...
X (smiling): True enough. I guess you have to do something with all those extra calories.
G: Exactly!
X: At the moment, though, they seem to be going there (she motions toward Gabby's hips), there (thighs) and there (butt). Don't they, chubby?
G: Chubby!?! Remember the last three nights? You know what happens to you if you diss me!
X (smirking): Yeah, I know, all right.
G (blushing): Xena! You be careful, or I'll have to teach you another lesson!
X: And which lesson would that be? Other uses for a quill?
G (blushing even more): XENA! Be quiet! There might be people around here!
X: Ah well, what can you do?
G: How about this!??
Gabrielle puts her plate down and launches herself at Xena, who catches her wrist and rolls Gabby over her shoulder and onto her back. Xena sits on Gabby's chest, and completes the pin by kneeling on her arms.
X: Gee, that wasn't much was it?
G: Oof! You're really heavy! What have you been eating?
X: It's not what I've been eating, it's what I've been doing. It's all the muscle I've put on fighting warlords and stuff. That and extra-curricular activities...
G (blushes a little): Yes, well. I do my best.
X: You certainly do.
Gabby starts to struggle violently, but gets nowhere with it. To stop Gabby's struggles, Xena starts bouncing up and down on top of her...
X: So, what do you say? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
G: Oof! And I thought Lilla was heavy...
X: BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! She ain't nothing compared to me!
G: You've got that right...
X: Wait a minute... That didn't come out right... Oh well, who cares? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
G: OK, I give up! I give up! Now get off me!
X: Get off you? But I've only just started!
G: Huh?
X: Now where's that quill?
G: Ooh!
The Scene: It's yet another nighttime campfire scene (hint to TIIC), and it's feeding time at the zoo... Gabrielle is cooking, and Xena is sitting on a nearby rock.
X: I'm sure it's very good, but I think I'll have to pass on tonight's meal.
G: Why? Don't you trust my cooking?
X: It's not that, I just don't trust your cooking of certain meals, that's all.
G: But I haven't told you what it is yet!
X: I have to watch out for my figure... You were complaining last night! (Xena looks down, visibly upset) I must have put on some weight, or something.
G: Xena, how long have you known me?
X: I don't know, five, maybe six winters. Why?
G (walking over to Xena): And, in all that time (she sits on Xena's lap and puts her arms around Xena's neck), have you ever heard me complain about your figure?
X (in a small voice): No.
G (smiling tenderly): So don't worry about it. I like you just the way you are.
X: Thank you, Gabrielle.
G: That's OK, Xena.
X: Gabrielle, your meal's burning.
G: Dinner! Oh no!
Gabby rushes over to check on the dinner.
G: Whew! It's OK.
X (under her breath): Damn!
G: Hey! I heard that! It's not that bad!
X: Heard what?
G: So, you don't like my cooking? Well, I think I can fix that...
Gabby takes the pot off the fire and puts it down. Then she throws herself at an unprepared Xena, who goes down. After a short scuffle, Gabby subdues Xena, and sits on her chest, kneeling on her arms for the pin.
G: So, what was that about my cooking?
X: Uh... nothing?
Gabrielle starts bouncing up and down on top of Xena.
G: I'll... BOUNCE! give... BOUNCE! you... BOUNCE! nothing! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: Oof! OK, so your cooking is not always the best.
G: Such honesty... BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: Come on, you burnt this lot!
G: It's not burnt! Just... well done is all. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! Now then, will you eat it?
X: Fine... but on one condition.
G: What's that?
X: That you feed it to me from up there...
G (grinning): I think I can manage that...
X (a smile starting to show on her face, as well): And that I get some "dessert" afterward.
G: Ooh!
The Scene: Gabrielle and Xena are sitting by the campfire. Xena is reading one of Gabby's scrolls, and Gabby is writing on another scroll...
X: Gabrielle, what are you writing? Is it another fight scroll like this one?
G: No, Xena, not another fighting scroll.
X: Is it Sapphic fiction?
G (blushing): Xena!
X (smiling): I guess not. So, what is it?
G: It's for a friend.
X: Oh? Who?
G: Just someone I met back home five or so winters ago.
X: Oh, OK.
They go back to what they were doing. Gabby looks up at Xena every now and then, smiles, and continues to write something, shake her head and throw the scroll on the fire and start again. Eventually, Xena finishes reading her scroll, and puts it down. Bored, she starts to bug Gabby...
X: Come on, Gabrielle. Let me have a look at your scroll.
G: Not yet, Xena! I haven't finished it.
X: How long will you be?
G: I'm not sure.
X: Will you tell me who it's for?
G: Soon.
A thought dawns on her, and she smiles. She throws the scroll she was working on into the fire, stands up and stretches.
X: OK, that's it! Either you tell me, or else!
G: Or else what?
X: Or else this!
Xena throws herself on Gabby, but Gabby is expecting it, and is able to roll Xena onto her back. She sits on Xena's chest, kneels on her arms, and looks into her eyes.
X: Are you going to let me look at the scroll, or am I going to have to get rough? And who is it for?
G (laughing): You'll see who it's for soon enough. And, I think you're going to have to get rough, tough girl.
Xena starts struggling, so Gabby starts bouncing up and down on top of her.
G: Now, are you going to wait patiently? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: No! Let me look!
G: No, you'll have to wait. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! Now, will you wait?
X: Oof! I hope you don't gain much more weight. Now, let me up!
G (smiling): Like you care!
X: True.
G: Unfortunately, I can't trust you. You'll just have to stay there until I finish. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! And, if you behave yourself, I'll reward you later...
X: Ooh!
Gabby picks up her scroll and quill, and goes to work. She finishes a few minutes later, after some very slow work. She gets off Xena, and helps her up. Xena follows, and sits down on a rock. Gabby sits on her lap, and gives her the scroll.
G (smiling): Here you are, you can read it now. It's for you.
Xena opens the scroll. There are only 10 words on it.
Xena, I love you more than words could ever say
Xena hugs Gabby, and holds her for a few seconds.
X (her eyes glistening and a few tears rolling down her cheeks): I love you, too.
G (smiling, and a few tears on her cheeks, too): I know you do.
Gabby leans right in to whisper something else in Xena's ear.
G: I think it's time for that reward...
X; Ooh!
The Scene: Gabrielle and Xena are sitting together by the campfire, looking at the stars. Gabrielle is perched on Xena's lap, her head on Xena's shoulder and her arms around Xena's neck. Xena is holding Gabby around the waist...
X: Did you see what I did with the scroll you gave me?
G: Yes! I loved the frame!
X: Good, it took a while to make.
G: What did you use to shape the wood?
X: Do you know what I was doing most of this afternoon?
G: Yes, you were sharpening and cleaning your sword. (Realisation dawns) Oh... That must have taken you ages!
X: It was worth every minute.
G: I'm glad you liked it.
X (looking slyly at Gabby): That's not the only thing I liked about last night...
G (blushing): Xena! Keep it down, will you! What if someone else heard you?
X: Well, what if? Who would care?
G (thinks about it for a minute): Good point.
X: The way you...
G: Xena!
X: ... just wouldn't stop...
G: Xena!!
X: I can see why you're a bard.
G: Oh, why?
X: You have a well-educated mouth...
G: XENA!! Besides, you weren't too bad yourself.
X: Gee, thanks. Not too bad, huh?
G (blushing furiously): Well, you know what I mean.
X (smiling devilishly): No, I don't. How about you tell me?
G: Um... er... well...
X: If you don't tell me, I'll have to make you tell me...
G: You and what army!? I had you begging for mercy last night, and I can do it again!
X (dripping with sarcasm): Yeah, sure... Now, are you going to tell me, or do I have to get tough?
G: Bring it on!
Xena stands up, and heaves Gabby onto their bedroll. She follows quickly, and before Gabby can recover, Xena is sitting on her chest, kneeling on her arms.
X: Gosh, you're good. I think I'm going to have to teach you some more.
G: Oof! How did you get to be so heavy?
X (coloring slightly): Hey! You take that back!
G: No way!
X: Right! That's it!
Xena starts bouncing up and down on top of Gabby...
X: Take... BOUNCE! it... BOUNCE! back! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
G: Ugh! I... (wheeze) can't! No... breath!
X: You're real funny... BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! Now, take it back!
G: I take it back, I take it back!
X: That's better. (A thought occurs to her) Hey, you didn't answer my question. What did you mean by "not too bad"?
G: Er... How about I show you?
X: Ooh!
The Scene: Gabrielle and Xena are riding along on Argo's back, as it gets dark...
G: Xena, maybe we should stop here for the night. It's getting cold and dark, and I'm getting...
X: I know, I know, you're getting hungry.
G: That too.
Xena raises her eyebrows, and continues looking for a suitable campsite. Eventually, she sees one through the trees.
X: That will do nicely.
G: Where is it?
X (pointing): Over there.
G: Are you sure that it will be private enough?
X (raising her eyebrows again): Why does it matter?
G (blushing): No reason.
They ride into the clearing, and it's a perfect campsite. They hop off Argo, and Gabrielle prepares a campfire, while Xena tends to Argo.
G: So, Xena, what are we eating tonight?
X: I don't know, whatever we've got, I guess.
G: Sounds good. And what about later?
X: I'm sure we'll think of something.
A scream shatters the peace that is present in this paradise...
G: That can't be good.
X: No, it can't be. We'd better go and do something about it.
G: You mean you don't trust me to do it alone?
X: Fine, I guess someone has to look after the fire.
G: Thank you, Xena.
Xena starts preparing a meal, while Gabrielle walks in the direction of the scream. A couple of minutes later, she comes across a couple of thugs smacking around a young man, with a young woman watching in tears, two female thugs holding her.
G: That's quite enough of that! Why don't you heroes try that with me?
Female thug 1 (laughing): Sure, why not? I could use the exercise.
Gabrielle despatches her in short order with a staff hit to the stomach and then to the back of the neck. The thug falls down, and fails to rise.
Another thug stops kicking the ribs of his victim, and lumbers towards Gabrielle, who parries his swordstrike with her staff, and puts him down for the count with a crisp one-two combination to the jaw.
The other thug kicking ribs stops, and goes the same way as his fallen comrades, as Gabby beats him into oblivion with her staff.
Gabrielle turns around just as the last female thug jumps her from behind. They go down to the ground, and Gabby quickly gains the upper hand, as she sits on her foe, pinning her down.
G: Now then, any last words?
Female Thug: Please don't kill me!
G: Oh? And why were you lot attacking these people, anyway?
FT: We wanted there money, and...
G: Right...
Gabby starts bouncing up and down on the girl's chest.
G: Don't... BOUNCE! ever... BOUNCE! try... BOUNCE! to rob... BOUNCE! anyone... BOUNCE! ever again! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
FT (breathless): OK, I won't do it again! PUFF!
G: Make sure you don't! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! And make sure that your friends don't either! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
FT: Ok! PANT! I'm sorry.
G: You had better be telling the truth, or I'll hunt you down like a dog!
FT: Ok, ok!
Gabby lets her up, and tends to the downed man, who is now sitting up. He is able to slowly walk away with his wife, as Gabby escorts them to the nearest town, a few minutes ride away.
Gabby returns to Xena, satisfied in a job well done. Xena has prepared a meal in the time she was away.
X: So, what happened?
G: Not much, just a robbery, with some beating on the side. Easily sorted out, but I had to escort the couple to the next
town to make sure they got there ok.
X (smiling): Sounds like you earned your meal then.
G: You have no idea how hungry I am.
X: Same old, same old, I'm sure.
G: Xena?
X: Gabrielle?
G: Thank you for your trust. It means a lot to me.
X: Well, you have been training with me for five winters now, so I would hope that you can deal with these things yourself.
G: But thank you anyway.
They eat their meal in silence, as Gabby puts away two bowlfuls, Xena watching in amusement after she finishes her meal.
X: Good?
G: You know it! You should be a cook, or something!
X: I am.
G: What are you trying to say?
X: Nothing (she looks pointedly at Gabby's lower body). Nothing at all.
G: Are you calling me fat!?!
X: No, of course not! Just... chubby, is all.
G: Why you little...!
She leaps at Xena, knocking her to the ground. Xena struggles, but Gabby is in good form tonight, and wins in the end, sitting triumphantly on Xena's chest, kneeling on her arms.
G (gleefully): I win! Foolish Xena, you are no match for me!
X (grinning): Sure Gabrielle, whatever. Until next time, at least.
G: Now then, say it!
X: No, make me!
G: All right, fine! Be that way! See if I care!
Gabby starts bouncing up and down on top of Xena rather vigorously.
X: Oof! Careful! I don't want broken ribs!
G: Say it! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: OOF! Fine, I'm sorry I called you chubby.
G: And? BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: I give up! You win.
G: Damn right! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!
X: Are you still hungry?
G: Not now.
X: So, what are we going to do tonight, Gabby?
G: The same thing we do every night, Xena.
X: Ooh!
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