DISCLAIMER: The characters of Xena and Gabrielle are not mine (Renaissance Pictures/MCA Universal have first dibs); I just borrowed them for a bit, but I returned them none the worse for wear. This story is for entertainment purposes only and is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by MCA Universal or Renaissance Pictures. Thanks and apologies to k.d. lang for the title. This story is a short, silly piece about the perils of fertility, the adventure that is pregnancy, the tireless taskmaster of food cravings, and the things we do for love. Inspired by the episode "Gabrielle's Hope."

FOOD ALERT: Disgusting food combinations mentioned. Ugh. Afterwards, treat yourself to a double dip ice cream cone and 'wash' the bad taste out of your mouth.

VIOLENCE ALERT: Sorry, no buttkicking. However, lots of bickering, sarcasm, withering glares, and an exasperated sigh or two.

SEX ALERT: Nope. None. Nada. But the specter of sexuality hovers around the campfire *somewhere* since Gabrielle *somehow* got herself into this predicament. Rampant speculation abounds as to 'who' and 'how,' but no substantiated evidence has surfaced. Certain individuals wonder if this is yet another of Xena's skills--siring children. Keep in mind Xena *may be* half god or Xena may be the first invitro fertilization expert in ancient Greece (if so, did she invent the turkey baster as well?)

Send comments kudos or brickbats to: lala@screamingxenas.com

Constant Craving
by LaLa

Xena and Gabrielle prepare for bed, placing the bedroll next to the campfire and fluffing the blankets. They lie down, exchange "Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite," pleasantries to one another, and await Morpheus. Minutes pass in silence; only the chirping of crickets and the gentle sound of breathing disturb the quiet night.

G: (hesitant) "Xena?"

X: "Yes?"

G: "Are you asleep?"

X: "Not anymore." (yawn) "What is it Gabrielle?"

G: "Well, I was wondering--if it wasn't too much trouble--would you do me a favor?"

X: (suspicious) "What kind of favor?"

G: "Umm, I'm *really* craving some, uh, pickled pigtails right now."

X: (incredulous) "You just ate a couple hours ago!"

G: "I'm hungry again."

X: "Again?"

G: "Again."

X: (sigh) "We've got to work on timing Gabrielle. Couldn't you have mentioned the pigtails earlier?"

G: (defensive) "Well, if you must know, I wasn't hungry for pickled pigtails earlier."

X: (disbelieving snort) "Not hungry? When are you not hungry? By the gods, Gabrielle, I thought you had an appetite before--"

G: (narrowing eyes) "What are you trying to say?"

X: "I'm saying that your appetite of late is insatiable."

G: "I can't help it!" (throws hands up in the air) "For Gaia's sake, Xena, I'm pregnant--or haven't you noticed?"

X: (gives the Look) "Yes, I'm well aware of that fact."

::a moment of tense silence::

X: (annoyed) "Where am I going to find pickled pigtails at this time of night?"

G: "Whatever happened to 'I have many skills?' "

X: "Gabriieeellle."

G: "Please?"

X: (huffy) "Oh, all right."

::another moment of tense silence::

X: "When *I* was pregnant, I craved *normal* foods at *normal* times like--"

G: (interrupting, snippy) "Excuse me, Warrior Princess! First of all, we're not talking about you. Second, are you implying I don't eat *normal* food?"

X: (smirks) "How about sweet and sour eel for starters?"

G: "That...that was a fluke, a whim. I only ate that *one* time."

X: (crosses arms) "Uh huh. How about honey dipped bananas, garlic and cow tongue stew, raw nutbread dough, and your squid friends...again."

G: (self righteous) "*I* don't see anything wrong with what I eat. You won't even try--"

X: "Oh! And how could I forget the creamed corn, olive, and goat cheese dumplings, hmmm?"

G: (testy) "Alright already! So, I'm a little different."

X: "A *little*? That's putting it mildly." (rolls her eyes)

G: "Hey, there's no need to be sarcastic." (pause) "Does this mean you're not going to get me pickled pigtails?"

X: (exasperated sigh) "Of course not, I'll go. Now you're sure it's pickled pigtails? I don't want to go all the way to town, then ride back to camp, only to have you change your mind."

G: (hot under the BGSB) "When did I ever change my mind?"

X: "Does 'catfish' ring a bell?"

G: "Oh, that." (clears throat) "Xena--"

X: (cuts her off) "I must say, that's the first time I've ever fished in the dark."

G: "Hmph! For fish anyway."

X: (raises eyebrow)

G: "Well?" (expectantly)

X: (grimaces) "Just stay here and I'll be back soon." (gets up and walks away muttering under breath)

G: "I heard that!" (pouts)

Gabrielle watches Xena mount Argo and ride off. She pulls the blanket up to her chin, lets out a contented sigh, and licks her lips, dreamy-eyed imaging the pickled pigtails. A moment later, her brow furrows as a new thought interrupts her culinary reverie, "Fried chicken livers and potatoes would taste so good with pickled pigtails. Yum! I wonder if Xena would mind.."

fini

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