Animal Attraction

Wild, wild, west!

Like a dud firecracker, Animal Attraction had fizzle, but no bang. This ep had such potential, but it was derailed by too many storylines: Talia vs. her no good husband, Darcon; the hackneyed 'love you, hate you' romance between Arman and Amarice; Joxer still acting the love sick fool; Gabrielle only having eyes for a 4 legged creature; and Xena discovering she's preggers. Too much, too little, too bad. Unfortunately, the stories I was interested in (Xena's pregnancy and Gabrielle's new horse) were short-shrifted in favor of stories I could care less about (the Talia/Darcon showdown and the Amarice/Arman romance). While I don't hate Animal Attraction, I certainly won't be re-watching it anytime soon.

CAVALCADE OF CHARACTERS

Xena: in a delicate condition.
Gabrielle: in love with a horse.
Argo: in an ep, finally!
Joxer: in the way.
Amarice: in heat.
Arman: ditto.
Talia: in a mood to give no-good husband a piece of her mind.
Darcon: in a mood to pay her no mind.

NOT SO SUCCINCT SYNOPSIS

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

Hot to Trot
The Rabbit Test
My Pretty Pony
The Quick and The Dead
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Amazonia
Female Trouble
Even Cowgrrls Get The Blues

THEME SONG FOR THIS EP

Ah, how many of you remember this late 70's schmaltzy tune? John Paul Young's "Love Is In The Air" as sung by me:

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

Was it an S&M convention or a western? I couldn't tell, but I didn't care -- all that luscious leather. A wonderful look for all (except Joxer, see below). I especially enjoyed Talia's rough rider outfit.
Nice fringe on Xena's fingerless gloves.
The healer's Chinese silk vest meets western wear -- love the fur accent on the armholes!
I like Xena's furry collar overcoat because it covers up her less than fetching leather outfit.
The deputy's silver sand dollar badge.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

Joxer looks like a shapeless leather handbag -- that voluminous serape, that floppy hat! I pity the cow that sacrificed it's hide to such poor taste.

BURNING QUESTIONS

Long time no see Argo, where has she been?
What name will Gabrielle give her new horse?
Xena dueling Talia...is this how Xena greets all her buddies from the old days?
How does one swordfight in a long leather coat?
What, no tumbleweeds? What's a western without them?
After reading the disclaimer, I'm left wondering...was it The Rabbit from In Sickness and In Hell or The Rabbit from Paradise Found?

KIBBLES AND BITS

Chris Manheim wrote Animal Attraction; while I wouldn't put it in my category of fave eps she's written (Altared States, Here She Comes...Miss Amphipolis, Paradise Found, Devi, The Convert, and Chakram), I wouldn't put it in the same category as some of her misses: King Con, A Comedy of Eros, and Tsunami.
Ooo, who's the dark, mean, strong grrl opening that trap and setting the horsie free? ;)
Joxer did have one good line, "Women -- can't live with 'em, can't chain 'em in the yard."
Ol' Joe LoDuca expanded his musical palette to include electric guitars -- the right musical touch for a spaghetti western.
Spamona's town sign was clever (the little bathers in the hottubs) and co-ed baths to boot. Quite a progressive place!
Ted Raimi sure is a pale, pasty white.
Interesting choice of decor in the healer's hut, I think the animal skin adds a rustic touch to the examination chair.
Argo and the new horse gossipin' amongst themselves. Hooray! Argo has a new playmate.
Gabrielle using a bit of creative empathy to win over her horse, that's right, just call her gimpy Gabby.
Ha! I thought Xena was breaking the pregnancy announcement to Gabrielle, when it was really Argo.
Aw, how sweet! Gabrielle's horse takes out the bad man and saves the barn.
The Casablanca reference when Gabrielle refers to her new horse as "the beginning of a beautiful relationship."
I think Gabrielle should invest in a step stool, the new horse is awfully tall...
Hmm, seems there is a new ending credit montage (although it's hard for me to tell when my local station shrinks the credits to quarter screen -- grrrrrr!).

KING SIZE KIBBLE

QUIBBLES

Spamona, Spa - mona, get it? *groan*
Hey Mr. Director -- pull back the camera in the fight scenes!
Any day now, yep, any day the deader than dead, the tireder than tired storyline of Joxer pining for Gabrielle will get the death it deserves.
Don't let the saloon doors hit yer 'once was a deputy, now I'm a fraidy cat' ass on the way out, you yellow bellied, lily livered, gutless coward!
Romance schmo-mance. Why should a romance between Amarice and some bit player from last season, Arman, have the lionshare of ep time? Cute idea, but it failed in execution. Ho-hum, yet another 'I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you, but I can't resist you' romance cliche. If that wasn't bad enough, there was no chemistry between the actors (there was more chemistry between Gabrielle and her new pony!) Now don't get me wrong, the Keebler Amazon has grown on me and Arman is a nice guy, but I could care less whether Arman and Amarice do it or don't. What I really wanted to see was more time devoted to the grrls discussing Xena's pregnancy and Gabrielle wooing the horse.
What was that serious moment between Joxer and Arman when they first met in the baths?
Joxer grabbing Gabrielle's apples; now where have I seen this gag before? Oh yes, between Gabrielle and Salmoneus in The Black Wolf, but that time it involved tomatoes. The difference? It was funny in The Black Wolf.
Psst! Talia, you mount a horse on left.
Ok, I've seen Xena pick her nose, fart, burp, and experience explosive diarrhea off camera; as much as I like Xena, these are private moments that I do not want to see. Which brings me to the new low in 'let's do something potty and naughty': the puking. C'mon, was it really plot imperative to see Xena barf her guts in a barrel? I'm still cringing from the puke spittle on her lower lip. Leave the gross out humor where it belongs -- on South Park.
Why did Talia ditch town without telling Xena? Seems like an irresponsible thing to do and led Xena to believe that Talia got scared, ran away, and left Xena to clean up the mess. Why couldn't Talia inform Xena of her plan? It makes no sense!
The showdown between Talia and Darcon took too long to get started (enough with the twitchy fingers already!) and lasted too long (Talia's victory was a forgone conclusion).

QUEEN SIZE QUIBBLES

I am just a little sick and tired of the way Amazons are portrayed as humorless, man loathing, bitches with blades. To prove that even emasculating bitches need love too, Amarice falls in love with a man! *gasp* This ABC After School Special posing as a plotline spells out in broad, Technicolor strokes an "important lesson" -- that pheromones are more powerful than ideology, I mean, that all men aren't jerks and hey, why not bed one today? Is it beyond the writers' means to put across a _subtle_ message? I guess not.

Whether intended or not, Xena's response to Gabrielle's query that her pregnancy was "good" seemed pretty insensitive. This was the implied message I heard: "Gabrielle, unlike your immaculate conception, which spawned evil incarnate (your daughter, Hope) my unexplained and equally immaculate conception (which I cannot attest to fire, or anything for that matter seeing as I don't remember!) is not evil!" How would Xena know? And another thing, if this "life within her" feels just like Solon, well, we all know what happened to that poor kid. Why would this child be anything but cursed too?

Hercules the father of Xena's baby? Puhleeze! That ill-fated romance died a long time ago and Xena put a kibosh on any future possibility in Judgement Day. Quite frankly, a turkey baster would be a more likely suspect.

This consistency concept must be awfully hard for the writers to grasp. I'm referring to Gabrielle's fluctuating fighting skills. Last week, she took down badass Mavican one handed, but this week, two inept hombres trip her up and she requires a rescue? Gods help me. How am I supposed to believe Ares would be interested in Gabrielle as the successor when her fighting prowess is so erratic? Hmmm, perhaps there's credence to my theory that a Gabrielle look alike, one who can't fight very well, secretly takes the real Gabrielle's place now and then. How else to explain it?

FAMILIAR FACES

The actor who plays Talia has also played Queen Melosa in Hooves and Harlots.
The actor who plays Darcon has also played Marot in Crusader and Theodorus in Callisto, Return Of Callisto, and Intimate Stranger.
The actor who plays the healer also played a prisoner in Ming Tien's prison in The Debt 2.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

The horse's bloody leg caught in the trap.

SCENES TOO SCARY TO SEE AGAIN

Beergut guy wearing the cowboy hat sauntering through the baths in a tiny towel.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

X: "It's impossible! I can't be pregnant. If you weren't such a quack, you would know that getting pregnant involves certain physical requirements that I haven't met in a long time and I mean a very long time. No one, zilch, zippo. I am a love free zone. Therefore, it is utterly impossible that I would be up the duff. So, what's your diagnosis, now?"
Healer: "Mood swings!"
Love free zone, eh? I find that hard to believe and I'm sure Gabrielle would beg to differ ;)

G: "You don't have the slightest idea?"
X: "No. Look, we've been through this a thousand times. I don't."
G: "How can you not know? I -- I just find that hard to believe, you know?"
Gabrielle's not the only one finding it hard to believe. Hmm, let the speculation begin!

SCORCHY SEXY NOT-SO-SUBTEXT

Sounds as if the grrls are ready to do some heavy duty nesting:
X: "Looks like we're a two-horse family."
G: "Yeah, family being the operative word. "

Truer words were never spoken:
X: "Gabrielle's gonna freak."

QUICK -- HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

Gabrielle's 'can I keep him, Xena?' look towards the horse.
Amarice slipping and falling. (I'm a sucker for pratfalls)
Xena attacking the healer.
All the scenes of Gabrielle and the horse, especially her smile when she finally gets him to eat the apple out of her hand.
Xena smelling the roses, going gaga over the teddy bear, and becoming disturbed by her behavior.
Xena ordering milk in the saloon.
Gabrielle's 'Who? When? Where? Why?' reaction to Xena's announcement.
Gabrielle running up a wall to escape a badguy bearhug.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

X: "What makes Darcon different from every other scum-sucking warlord?"
T: "He's my husband."
X: "Condolences."

Barkeep: "What'll it be?"
X: "Milk"
B: "Milk?!"
X: "I said milk! What, am I over-age?"

A: "Every Amazon instinct I have says "keep away", but my heart just says "go for it." Have you ever had this problem before?"
X: "Apparently."

G: "Come on, Xena. Race ya to Greece?"
X: "I don't know if you're ready for that."
G: "Oh, you chicken?"
X: "No, just being considerate. We race to Greece, and you won't be able to walk straight for a month."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

G to X: "Joxer gave me one of those looks again."

X: "We're gonna have to treat that wound before we set him (the horse) free."
G: "Set him free?"

G: "Argo, will you tell him I'm not going to hurt him?"

G: "Talking to horses, you'd think I didn't have any friends."

AMARICE SAYS THE SNARKIEST THINGS

Arman: "Where's your sense of humor?"
Amarice: "You wanna know where my sense of humor is?! I'll tell you! You mother-- !"

X: "I don't feel so good."
A: "After raspberry jelly and raw fish? Big surprise."

XENA'S SKILLS

Immaculate conception
Living in denial
Smelling flowers
Dropping bombshells
Advising the lovelorn

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

Leading a horse to an apple...and getting him to eat it
Faking a limp

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

When Gabrielle asks about Talia, Xena makes a Freudian slip: "I used to ride her, uh, ride with her."

X: "Gabrielle, I'm pregnant."
G: "Slut!"

Evening time, Xena and Gabrielle are alone in their room at the Spamona Hot Springs Inn.

X: *leans back her chair* "I don't think I can eat another bite."
G: "That's what you said an hour ago...and the hour before that."
X: "Can I help it if I'm so hungry all the time? I'm pregnant!"
G: *annoyed* "Xena, I just wish there was more time between your 'cravings' and that you didn't want such strange food combinations."
X: " You certainly are in a mood."
G: "Xena, it's been a long day. I spent all afternoon turning Spamona upside down in order to satisfy your food cravings -- no matter how strange or hard to come by."
X: "So, did you get me dessert?"
G: *chucks a pillow at Xena*
X: "What was that for?"
G: "Treating me like a tavern wench. Xena, I'm not here to serve your every whim."
X: "You're not?" *smiles and dodges another pillow* "Gabrielle, if I haven't said so, thanks."
G: *grudgingly accepts* "You're welcome."
X: "Besides, if I was treating you like a tavern wench, I'd be more interested in eating something other than the food." *saucy wink*
G: *quirks an eyebrow* "Sorry, but I'm not on the menu tonight."
X: "Why not?"
G: *flops down on the mattress* "I'm tired."
X: "Tired? Since when?"
G: *"Since I've been running around town all day. My legs are tight and my feet are sore."
X: *moves over to the bed and removes Gabrielle's boots*
G: "What are you doing?"
X: "Giving you a foot massage." *grabs Gabrielle's foot and begins to rub*
G: "Oh...oh yeah, that feels good." *sighs*
X: *purrs* "I know what would make you feel even better." *runs her hand underneath Gabrielle's skirt*
G: "Xena, I'm tired. I'll fall asleep."
X: "I doubt it." *resumes foot massage*
G: *snorts* "Oh, that's right, you have 'many skills'. Like I said, I'm..." *gives Xena a quizzical look* "...I'm not tired anymore."
X: *smirks as she rubs Gabrielle's foot*
G: "You used some pressure point thing to wake me up, didn't you?"
X: *feigns innocence* "Why would you say that?"
G: "Because all of a sudden I have more energy than I know what to do with."
X: "Well, I know what you can do with it."
G: *drawls* "I'm sure you do."
X: *ceases the foot massage* "Gabrielle, I'm having another craving."
G: *moans in frustration* "But you just ate!"
X: "I didn't say I was craving food." *arches her eyebrow*
G: "Oh." *teases* "Well, what'll it be?"
X: "Mmm, something salty and sweet." *gently sucks Gabrielle's big toe*
G: "Beef jerky and honey?"
X: *shakes head as she kisses Gabrielle's ankle*
G: "Mixed nuts and jelly?"
X: *shakes head as she nips Gabrielle behind the knee*
G: "Bacon and figs?"
X: *shakes head as she licks Gabrielle's inner thigh*
G: "Me?"
X: *nods head as she...*
G: "Xena!" *gasps* "Oh yeaaahh, now this is a craving I can get into."
X: "Mmmph!"

DISCLAIMER

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

LaLa