The nuts don't fall too far from the tree.

*sigh* I debated whether or not I should review this ep. Call me shallow, call me partial, but a Xena lite ep is like no ep at all. Sure, sure, Gabrielle was in the story, but Gabrielle without Xena is like Starsky without Hutch, Laverne without Shirley, Sanford without Son, John without Ponch--a no go. IMHO, Autolycus and Gabrielle saved this ep; it's not that I dislike Joxer, I just don't find him compelling enough to devote a whole episode to his character (FHTBT was more than enough). Is Joxer receiving some heavy duty rehabilitation or what? I suppose this was a 'breather' of sorts after weeks of intense eps, but it seemed out of place. Are Xena and Gabrielle working things out or are they at each other's throats? I can't figure it out, but I digress.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Have you seen me? (Visual: a missing person's poster of Xena)
• Sibling Rivalry or Mom Always Liked You Best (pre-Mycenaean Smothers Brothers anyone?)
• The Rico Suave Chronicles: Autolycus and the case of the Exciting Egyptian

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Cleopatra's homage to gold lame
• Gabrielle lookin' and walkin' like an Egyptian (she's an irritating raven haired, but my roots are blond, blond?)

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

Who swiped Milli Vanilli's hair and put it on Ponteous, the evil Head of Security?
What's up with Joxer's new SM wear? He looks like a sub in search of a mistress. Word up: Kinky. That's just the way my mind works, or it could be my proximity to San Francisco ;) I prefer Joxer's usual mismatched mode of dress, funny hat, and clanging armor. Since the ep offers another version of Joxer the Mighty (Joxer the Tidy), I thought

I'd jump on the band wagon too:

Joxer and leather
The two don't go together
Kinda looks like fetishwear
What an image--don't take me there
Incongruous to say the least
Like a Frenchman without his quiche
Like a bottom who's lost his leash
He's Joxer, he's Joxer the Masochist!

BENNY AND THE JETT

Sorry, I couldn't resist the gratuitous Elton John reference. Jett is the big, bad, bro who tweaks, punches, wet willies, noogies, and slaps his way to fraternal bonding with Joxer.
"Oh, Jett, don't! Not that, not the finger!"
The black leather outfit suited Jett, but the deep voice punctuated by grunting reminds me too much of Steven 'don't touch my ponytail' Seagal.

CLEOPATRA: PHAROH A GO GO

Another historical figure tweaked and transformed in the Xenaverse.
Camels, pyramids, and Ra...oh my! Cleopatra does Greece. Well, I don't know if she *does* Greece or just certain individuals, but--how did I get on this tangent? Her mantra seems to be 'I'm a lover and a fighter.' She also seems to do all her business in the bath. It's a wonder her skin isn't all pruney.

LET'S PRETEND WE'RE MARRIED

"You worthless excuse for a husband, c'mon!"
Joxer and Gabrielle--ew! Thank the gods they were only 'playing' house. To her credit, Gabrielle has the finer points of the 'domestic hair grab' and the 'my old man cheek squeeze' down pat (I wonder if she uses that tone of voice and those techniques on Xena?)
Gab's rediscovered her inner buttkicker--duck and cover! Case in point, Jett describes Gabrielle as "...the cute little blond who swings the mean stick!" Seems Gabrielle is over her post Deliverer `thou shall not whack' phase, "I didn't want to resort to violence, but lives are at stake."
Ah the spitfire returneth, the 'whack first and tell you a story later/don't make me hurt you 'cuz I'm pissed off at Xena and we're not communicating very well and I'm just frustrated as hell so give me any excuse to vent my pent up anger and beat you black n blue!'
"You are so lucky you're still alive right now. Don't you ever lock me in a cell like that again."
My suggestion to all: Keep your distance. Do not tease the Bard.

TWEEDLE DEE AND TWEEDLE DUM

Gabrielle and Joxer in jail again (surprise!). Witness the further adventures of this dynamically damned duo:

J: "I think I bruised my brain. Gabrielle, do you see a bruise here?"
G: "Just a minor setback. No plan is foolproof."
J: "Depends on the fool."
G: "They're going to question us, we've got to get our stories straight."
J: "Oh, I know, we can tell them we are circus performers and we were just rehearsing our act."
Gabrielle gives him a withering glare.
G: "Where does it hurt?"
J: "Right here."
Gabrielle thwacks his bruised forehead. Hard.

QUIBBLES

The scarcity of Xena and the return of the ditzy Gabrielle (mind you, I love it when Gabrielle provides comic relief, but not at her own expense).
Ugh, I could've done without Jett's 'I'm good enough, smart enough, by golly I like myself Stewart Smalley self-esteem affirmation' speech to Joxer. Here's an idea, Jett could hawk self-actualization scrolls and seminars after prison; he's off to a good start with this pithy observation:

Joxer: "I've seen evil and I've changed my ways."
Jett: "Bro, if you saw evil, you'd have to change your pants."

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Only one Chakram toss (with one ricochet) and one flip.

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So, Xena and Gabrielle are back in Greece. What happened after leaving the Green Dragon's Palace? What did they do and say during the boat ride to Greece? Inquiring minds want to know! Don't hold your breath. My overactive imagination conjured up these scenes we'll never see and dialogue we'll never hear:

Gabrielle writes:

Dear Diary, For the past 3 nights, Xena has either put the pinch on me or kicked me out of the hammock. Each time she apologized, swore she was asleep, and claimed she had no idea how or why, but I wonder... I could have sworn I saw her smirk. Gods, how many days until Greece?

Xena writes [it could happen]:

Dear Diary, Gabrielle keeps staring and staring and staring at me. She doesn't say a word; oh, now and then she opens her mouth as if to speak, but then her brow furrows and her mouth closes. And she stares and stares. I've taken to hiding in the ship's crows nest rather than give in to my growing urge to poink her in the eye. Gods, how many days until Greece?

G: "Xena, when I told you 'I love you' and you said 'Love you too,' did you mean it?"
X: "Of course. Why do you ask?"
G: "You weren't feeling sorry for me were you?"
X: "No! What would make you think that?"
G: "Weeeell..."
X: "Go on."
G: "Did you say 'Love you too' as in, all is forgiven; or 'Love you too' as in, I'm just saying it to shut you up, but I'm still really mad; or 'Love you too' as in, first chance I get I'm ditching you with the Amazons?"
Xena is speechless, looking confused.
X: "Could you repeat that?"
G: "No, I know you heard me the first time Miss Many Skills."
X: "No need to get snippy."
G: "I'm not snippy and don't try to change the subject."
X: "I don't want to get into it right now."
G: "Into what?"
X: "You know, It."
G: "It..." moves hands in a 'go on' motion
X: "*It!*"
G: "Xena, for Gaia's sake, cut the cryptic crap and get to the point!"
Xena gives Gabrielle the look
X: "You aren't gonna leave me alone until I tell you, are you?"
G: "Nope. Sensitive chat time, Princess."
X: "Oh goody."

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The only interaction between our grrls in this ep: Xena's 'I can't leave you alone for a minute' tongue lashing of Gabrielle/her plan, and their exchange of glances when Cleopatra invites Xena to Egypt.

KIBBLES & BITS

• Yeah! Gab's fab abs are back!
• Is Cleopatra holding the dagger of Helios while interrogating Autolycus?

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

Gabrielle faked out by Joxer (of all people) and locked in the dungeon. G stands for Gullible and Gabrielle!

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Autolycus and Cleopatra's innuendo laden bathtime banter.
  Gabrielle's 'what would Xena do--bean herself unconscious with the wooden bowl' bright idea (reaaaally now, would Xena throw a bowl at herself? I don't think so).
  Joxer extricating boxer shorts from his wannabe-warrior cleavage.
  Gabrielle attempting 'the pinch'.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

When Cleopatra offers to 'thank' the Warrior Princess 'personally', was Cleopatra flirting with Xena? The invitation was extended to Xena, not Gabrielle or Autolycus. Somehow, I get the impression Cleopatra walks both sides of the Nile. I could be imaging things, it wouldn't be the first time.

C: "I owe you my life, that's not something I soon forget.
Are you ever planning on coming to Egypt, Xena?
I'll plan a reception the world won't soon forget."

(I wonder if we'll see Xena and Gabrielle traveling to Egypt anytime soon?)

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

• "Last chance."
• "If you're telling me the truth, I'll be back. If not, you rot."
• "Looks like you've been pecked by a chicken."
• "Joxer, you can barely kill time."
• "Be nice." Ponteous wasn't. Xena kicked his butt. "Told you to be nice."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

• "3 hours Joxer, I waited for you for 3 hours with a bunch of drunken, horny, half-wits. I've been grabbed more times than the Golden Fleece!"
• "We've got to stop him!"

  A: "So, you're saying this is what Xena would do."
  G: "Oh, yes! Mostly...Probably..."

• "It's a good plan. Hey, I've been watching Xena. I know how she thinks."
• "We have company."
• "I just cut off the flow of blood to your limbs"

AUTOLYCUS: KING OF VOYEURS

• "Oh, there's a word for people like me--lucky!"
• "Patience. A good thief is like a good lover, he takes his time, has patience."
• "But he looked like you. Same long ferret face, beady eyes, slack jaw, pasty..."
• "I'm not as dumb as he looks."
• "Oh, she had to say the `R' word." [Reward]

  A: "Why is he [Joxer] here?"
  G: "He knows Jett."
  A: "No, in a grander sense. Why is he here?"

• "You, Master of Morons, let's go!"
• "Distract me? A beautiful woman lying naked in a bathtub-ha ha ha-where was I?"
• A: "Guards, leave us--no, no! Any business transaction requires witnesses."
  C: "Kinky."
• "And the *girl* with the plan. I've been watching Xena, this is what Xena would do!"

XENA'S SKILLS

Absentee Warrior
Interrogator
Locksmith

HAIKU! BLESS YOU

The Rift. What Rift? Where?
As if it never occurred
Khrafstar? Hope? Ming? Who?

DISCLAIMER

Due to the infliction of a severe wedgie, Joxer was slightly uncomfortable, but not seriously harmed during the production of this motion picture.

TEASE ME, TAUNT ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Reruns for now, Warrior..Priestess..Tramp is next new ep (Thursday, January 15th in the Bay Area).

--LaLa