Finally, an end to all this Rift madness! Bitter Suite is a Fantasy Island-esque journey of reconciliation for Xena and Gabrielle touching all the emotional bases. After five episodes of increasingly 'how low can you go' behavior, the musical genre is the perfect vehicle for ironing out the grrl's differences. Typical teleplay rules do not apply to a musical; everything is condensed and exaggerated--plot propulsion and conflict exploration/resolution in 4 minute chunks. It would have taken multiple, sensitive chat heavy eps to reunite the grrls without the storytelling shorthand of symbolism, setting, and song. Bitter Suite succeeds by giving Xena and Gabrielle a 'blame free we can work it out' foundation on which to rebuild trust. For those of you not satisfied with the 'closure' of the Rift, all I have to say is, if a little song and dance counseling enables Xena and Gabrielle to forgive and move on, so can you.

The one element preventing me from loving this ep is, ironically enough, the music. The majority of songs do not have a catchy hummable hook or a memorable melody. After three viewings, the only snippet of song I can faithfully remember is Callisto's "Xena be warned, Xena beware..." That quibble aside, this ep is an audio visual extravaganza. The lyrics, costumes, sets, visual effects, acting, singing, lighting, editing, and directing are brilliant, fantastic! The Xenastaff went beyond pushing the envelope, they made origami.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Whip It!
• Let's Get Physical
• Over the River and Through the Woods
• Thin Line Between Love and Hate
• Put the Blame On Me
• Who Spiked the Nutbread?
• Jive Talkin'

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

Stevie Nicks' "Stop Draggin' My Heart Around" becomes "Stop Draggin' Your Bard Around" as sung by Gabrielle:

"Xena, you come riding into Amazon land,
With a sneer on your face and a whip in your hand,
Know I'm in trouble, what am I gonna do?
Cuz you ain't in a sensitive chat mood,
So you blame me for trouble in your past,
Now you're determined to kick my ass,
Stop draggin' your, stop draggin' your,
Stop draggin' your bard around."

Sonny and Cher's "I Got You Babe" as sung by Xena and Gabrielle:

G: "The Amazons think you're an mean ol' chick, Wonder why I put up with your shi--"
*Xena puts hand over Gab's mouth*
X: "We're an odd couple, yes, it's true, With therapy we'll be good as new, Gab, I got you Gab, I got you Gab!"
G: "That bum, Ares, just won't leave you be, Can't accept you'd rather be with me,"
X: "Sometimes, for a god he's awfully slow, Doesn't understand the subtext, ya know?"
G: "Xe, I got you Xe, I got you Xe!"
X: "I got you to give me flack,"
G: "I got you to scrub my back,"
X: "I got you to cook the meals,"
G: "I got you to catch me eels,"
X: "I got you travelin' by my side,"
G: "I got you to speak your mind,"
X: "I love you more than Argo,"
G: "I follow where'er you go,"
X&G: "I got you babe!"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• All the costumes are a delight: the variety, complexity, and attention to detail. Cheers to the frock tarts!
• Gabrielle's white sacrificial lamb gown (still gorgeous, even with a little dirt).
• Xena's red, slinky, slit thigh bones appliqué dress.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Callisto's 'fly the friendly skies' pageboy wig.
• Xena's warrior armadillo skull cap and Gabrielle's twinkle twinkle little star tiara.
• Ares' Goldilocks curls.
• Gabrielle's redemption outfit: the vile wig, the braided headband, and the green faux snakeskin vest.

OOOOOO! SYMBOLISM...

Symbolism runs rampant in this ep--it's a veritable Jungian grab bag. A couple classes in college hardly qualifies me to wax academically on the topic, so I'll leave well enough alone. My naughty Xenite friend tells me this ep is bursting with Tarot card imagery; not being familiar with such matters, I'll take her word for it.    (If you're interested in further enlightenment please check out Laurie McBride's "tarot reading" of Bitter Suite.  Or check out the Bitter Suite Tarot Deck.)

PEP TALK AND PERSUASION: ARES STYLE

Go tell it on a mountain! Ares interrupts Xena's requiem of rage and grief.

A: "Nice vocal! But you sure can't dance to it. Look, I feel your pain, ok, but how much longer before you start doing something about it?"
X: "My son is dead you soulless bastard! What can I do about that?"
A: "Just goes to prove what I've been telling you all along. No good deed goes unpunished."
<snip o rama>
"This whole atonement kick you've been on lately, it's not you. You're full of fire, bending the world to your will, full of rage and revenge.
Accept it, Xena, embrace it. You know what to do...and who to kill."

PEP TALK AND PERSUASION: CALLISTO STYLE

Gabrielle has been in the purification hut for 3 days turning all pruney. Is she hallucinating or is Callisto really there?

C: "You came here for the truth. The truth is, Xena made us both. She shaped our lives, changed our Fates, killed our families."
G: "No, I killed hers. Solan died because of my daughter."
C: "Because of Xena, you had a daughter. Her hatred for Caesar took you to Britannia."
G: "Yes, but--"
C: "Straight to Dahak where she deserted you. Isn't that right? Isn't that right."
G: "Yes."
C: "And you hate her for it, don't you? For betraying you, for failing you--you hate her, don't you? Don't you? Don't you?"
G: "Yes!"

PRETZEL LOGIC

After grappling with Gabrielle and plunging into the waterfall, Xena wakes up in a strange new world; greeted by none other than Callisto:

"Xena, be warned, Xena, beware, By closing your eyes, you can see what isn't there, Xena, be calm, open your eyes, Lies may be truth and truth may be lies."
X: "All right, Callisto, cut the song and dance. What's going on? Where are we?"

Callisto continues singing and pushes Xena's patience to the limit. Xena stops the spinning wheel of fortune and grabs Callisto's ear.
X: "All right, Callisto. You like little ditties? Fine. I got one for you. You're acting so strangely that I hardly know ya, But still, I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw ya."

Callisto, half Puck half Vanna White, informs Xena 'ya can't move on if ya don't spin'. So she does--will Xena buy a vowel or solve the puzzle?

LESS IS MORE

After body slamming Xena and plunging into the waterfall, Gabrielle is snatched from the river and flipped into the shrubbery. Gabrielle ponders her whereabouts.

G: "Elysian fields. Only heroes wind up here...Dead heroes...Dead, naked heroes."
*Joxer appears and sings yet another variation of the 'Mighty' theme*
G: "So much for the Elysian Fields theory."
J: Yeah.
G: Ahhh!
J: Ahhh!
G: "How did you? Joxer, go away! Can't you see I'm naked?!"

HOW TO WOO A WARRIOR

Xena's spin of the wheel lands her in the midst of groupies, er, warriors singing praises of her many skills:

Warriors:

"We would fight to death for you, brave Xena!
When your mighty chakram arcs, Throwing fierce, magnetic sparks,
No one ever hits her marks like Xena!
Famed for prowess with a sword, Who's as feared as she's adored,
You've not lived 'til you've been gored by Xena!
You're the Warrior Princess who's as strong as an oak,
You've got eyes that can tear out the heart of a bloke,
With one look you can wilt a flower, Curdle milk or make men cower,
Welcome home, Xena, welcome home!"

LOVE TO LOVE YOU, BABY

Xena soon discovers the god behind the swell little soiree.

X: "Ares. I thought as much, But why the big production number? What's the point?"

Ares realizes he's gotta get Xena in the 'kill 'em all' mood before seducing her back to the dark side. Thus, he counts the many ways.

Ares:

"You are the most divine, delicious warrior,
A man can't help saluting your return,
And if you start my heart it's just the way you slash and burn,
Bewitching woman straining at the armor plate,
You singe me with the ardor you inflame,
And in my carnal heart there's not a sorry shred of shame."

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

Gabrielle, nude no more, arrives in Poteidaia to the delight of her fellow villagers.

Poteidaia Villagers:

"Gabrielle! Gabrielle!
O'er the bridge of tears she's crossed,
And she's paid a fearful cost,
Her blood innocence is lost, Gabrielle!
Now the past has set her free,
And she's traveled home to be,
With her old friends you and me, Gabrielle!"

Gabrielle spies her sister, Lila, amongst the hubbub and races to embrace her.

Lila:

"Villains, fools, and kings have made their mark on you, Leave their easy evil in the dust, If your child had lived we'd surely make her welcome, too."

THANK THE GODS I'M A COUNTRY GRRL

The villagers proceed to 'pshaw' Gabrielle's life of travel and adventure; instead, they extol the virtues of village life.

Poteidaia Villagers:

"You and me love peace,
With the ducks and goats and geese,
Wile the hours away baking bread, pitching hay,
We love peace, peace, peace,
Simple joys never cease,
Nothing changes but the time,
We don't even change our mind,
Villagers love peace, peace, peace!"

RABBLE ROUSERS

It's time to bury the hatchet...in one another. Each side (Ares and Lila) has disparaging words for Xena and Gabrielle's relationship.

Ares:
"Xena, join my vision don't deny your destiny,"

Warriors:
"Chop the tree down, burn the root!"

Ares:
"Vengeance can be such a hoot!"

Lila:
"Xena was no friend she worked to twist your mind,
Though you tried to change her deadly ways,
Take the scythe, it's just a case of killing to be kind."

PICK UP LINES OF ARES: GOD OF WAR

Ares to Xena:
"Now I'll be your rock, your strength and support, Your close confidant with whom you can consort, I know you completely, come melt into me."

YOU STABBED GAB...HAPPY NOW?

Callisto to Xena:
"Did that fill you with glee to kill your little friend?
Did that ease your suffering or bring it to an end?
Let go! All of your anger will poison you yet, unless you can just let go."

YOU STABBED GAB...GOOD RIDDANCE!

Ares to Xena:
"Nothing more need be said, Ding dong, the bitch is dead."

WHAT WE HAVE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

Xena and 'the very much alive' Gabrielle are transported to the Tower of Echoes--on edge and on each other's nerves.

X: "This place is dark. It's meant to scare us."
G: "What if you're wrong?"
X: "You got any better ideas?"
G: "You're asking me? Well, that's a first. You know, ever since we've met, you've always made the decisions."
X: "Because you always take so long to reach one! Always weighing the pros and cons." *echoes*
G: "What's causing that?"
X: "We are. Or I should say you are."
G: "There you go again! You're always blaming me for everything. Xena, why is it never your fault?" *echoes*
Xena surmises the echoing results from arguing about the past. The only way to end the echoing is to have a sensitive chat with Gabrielle.
X: "Tell me how you feel. Right now, nothing about the past. Right now!"
G: "I hurt inside! Don't you?"

LET'S PLAY A GAME: PIN THE TAIL ON THE SCAPEGOAT

Xena and Gabrielle share their pain and air their grievances; unfortunately, it escalates into finger pointing and giving each other one way 'guilt trip' tickets.

G: "Because of you this happened, because you had to carry out your vengeful, little plans!"
X: "It's you who should feel guilty, because of you my child is dead, his blood is on your hands!"
G: "If only you had never brought me there,"
X: "If only you had done what you were told,"
G: "It's you who's to be blamed!"
X: "And you should be ashamed!"
G: "It's your fault!"
X: "No, it's yours!"

MR. KILLJOY

As Xena and Gabrielle caterwaul, Dahak appears and takes the grrls on a ferry ride of flame through the wheel of fortune. Big Daddy Evil welcomes them to his Temple.

Dahak:
"Hate you thought, hate you spoke, hate you dreamed,
All your hate gave me substance, your lives are undone,
It's your eve of destruction, your hatred has won!"

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

Xena and Gabrielle sing for their supper, er, salvation. Each grrl bemoans the sad state of affairs.

X: "I never dreamed that we'd be distanced by a hate, that all the trust we had would go."
<snip o rama>
X: "I never dreamed that any barriers could arise,"
G: "Or that I'd ever see the stranger in your eyes."

Xena and Gabrielle realize this 'hate thing' is bad for their complexions, not to mention a detriment to syndication hopes.

X: "If we can turn again to love,"
G: "If we can heal these open wounds."

Yes, the time has come to kiss and make up, be nice, let bygones be bygones, spit out that bitter pill, cut down the trees to see the forest, make hay before Argo eats it!

Xena and Gabrielle:
"We'll overcome our damaged past,
And we'll grow stronger side by side!
To stand together through the storms,
We're safe 'cause love will be our guide!"

IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL THE WARRIOR PRINCESS SINGS

The grrls jettison their bad feelings towards one another and their 'makers'. The wheel of fortune opens up and reveals Solan in the golden wonderland beyond a curtain of water. A clean conscience enables Gabrielle to pass through the water. Xena tries, but cannot; as Ming T'ien's spirit hovers overhead, Xena 'fesses up.

X: "I killed you, you bastard!"
G: "You lied? You gave me your word. You lied."

Uh oh, and things were going so well. Xena gives Gabrielle her best rationalization.

"Yes, I lied, Thought I could protect you from the truth,
Deliver you from evil, spare your innocence and youth."

Xena puts aside her pride and asks Gabrielle and Solan for absolution.

"I'm sorry, please help me,
Forgive me,
Don't hate me, don't leave me,
Forgive me,
<snip o rama>
Forgive, if not forget,
I know it's not too late,
Forgive me and you'll discover too,
That the love of your love is you."

Gabrielle gives Xena a 'teary-eyed c'mere ya big lug' look, offers her hand, and pulls Xena through the water to the other side.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

Xena hugging Solan segues into Xena hugging Gabrielle on the beach. They gaze at one another with surprise, awkwardness, affirmation, and joy.
G: "We're home."
X: "At last."
Gabrielle smiles, embraces Xena, and they splash in the surf like water nymphs.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• Was that Renee's backside or a stunt rump?
• What is Joxer doing in the Amazon village?
• Callisto's purification hut appearance: live or Memorex?
• Where was the famed Amazon ferocity 'we'll die to protect the Queen'
• spirit? Xena just waltzed into the village, threw a few punches, and kidnapped Gabrielle.
• Is Xena 'persona non grata' in Amazonia?
• What's up with the white puffball Toto dog?
• What is the costume designer's fascination with bizarre headgear?

QUIBBLES

• Lyrically, there were occasional cheesy poof/Celine Dion moments nestled amongst the songs.
• I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around Xena's physical mistreatment of Gabrielle.
• The kiss between Callisto and Xena was such a letdown; as my naughty Xenite friend said, "Much ado about nothing!"
• The dubbed singing voice for Gabrielle did not match.
• For all the trials, tribulations, and hard feelings these grrls have weathered, at the very least I expected a hug--a bone popping, eye bulging, breath  expelling, vise grip bear hug. Instead, I see a careful, 'not too hard I'm made of glass' tepid upper arm clasp.
• If the grrls are gonna loll in the surf making high tide kelp angels--then go for it. I'm not saying you have to do a Pre-Mycenaean From Here to Eternity, but a friendly frolic in the seafoam is not out of line. Lucy and Renee look awkward-- as if they're thinking 'god forbid, let's not give anybody the wrong idea, you ain't Deborah Kerr and I ain't Burt Lancaster, keep your hands to yourself'.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Gabrielle's vacant stare in the purification hut.
• Callisto's caressing slap of Gabrielle's face.
• Joxer's well intentioned, but anti-self-preservation stand against Xena.
• Xena's 'what the? where the hell am I?' expression when she awakens in Illusia.
• Callisto reclining across Xena's lap, Xena giving her the heave ho, and Callisto returning to straddle Xena's lap in a 'if it's good enough for the Furies, it's good enough for me' fashion.
• Xena grabbing Callisto by the ear.
• Ares stroking his sword.
• Xena's 'ooops! caught skewering the storyteller, I'm in such deep doodoo' expression.
• Two phrases I never thought I'd hear Xena say: "Tell me how you feel" and "I lied."
• Xena and Gabrielle meeting their 'makers': Callisto, Caesar, Ares,Khrafstar, and Ming T'ien.
• Xena's tender reunion with Solan.
• Kevin Smith's wickedly wonderful acting and belly tingling singing.
• Hudson rocks!
• Renee's drama mama acting prowess.
• Lucy's beeyooteeful voice.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Xena taking Gabrielle for a 'ride'.
• Xena and Gabrielle 'catfighting for keeps' on the cliff.
• Xena 'killing' Gabrielle.
• The shouting match and blame game between Xena and Gabrielle.
• Gabrielle chained to the altar and Xena tied to the cross, each at the mercy of the other's blackeyed evil half.
• Xena busting Ephiny's arm.

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Xena waking up nude and disoriented in Illusia; her increasing frustration with Callisto's cryptic antics.
• Gabrielle's arrival in Illusia and the ensuing clothing crisis--slinking from bush to bush for cover.
• The warriors/Ares and the Poteidaia villagers/Lila serenades.
• Xena and Gabrielle walking their respective gauntlet to the big showdown.
• Xena and Ares' sick, twisted, and sensual Tango around Gabrielle's dead body.
• Xena and Gabrielle's shameless heartstrings tugging power ballad bondage duet.
• Xena and Gabrielle's looks of reconciliation and renewal in waterfall and and on the beach.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"Where's Gabrielle?"

X to G: "Everything about this world has been a torment. We've been guided through it for a reason. Whatever happens, we have to go through it together."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

X: "I killed Gabrielle!"
G: "You killed me? By the gods, Xena, you killed me! I knew you were trying before, but--"
X: "No! No. I didn't, it was--none of this is real. Ares and Callisto and Joxer, I didn't kill you, I killed an illusion."
G: "If that's supposed to make me feel better..."

"Blood. No, not here! It's Dahak. This is where it started."

X: "Solan!"
G: "He's why we're here. It's the way out. It's gotta be. He's here to lead us home."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Nature guide
• Bard Bruiser
• Wheel of Fortune Contestant

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Hot House Flower
• Trailblazer
• Co-dependent Enabler
• Kickboxer

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

The Amazon Queen's Hut: Xena and Gabrielle recuperate from their trip to Illusia.

X: "So, this is the final phase of my sentence?"
G: "Yep. I think the punishment fits the crime."
X: "Gabrielle, you have a warped sense of justice."
G: *snort of laughter* "Pot calling the kettle black!"
X: "Touché."
G: "If you think I'm being too lenient, I can always--"
X: "No, no, I'm not complaining, I'll do my time."
G: "You do that." *glances over shoulder* "After all, you're getting off easy for someone who took the Queen of the Amazons for an impromptu nature ride."
X: "Gabrielle, I'm so sorry, how can--"
G: "Xena, it's behind us, I forgive you." *pause* "By the way, thanks for cooperating. I had to appease my Amazons, Ephiny in particular."
X: "It's the least I can do to set things right. Ephiny sure packs a wallop, though."
G: "That'll teach you to shake hands and greet people like civilized folk."
X: "Thanks for the etiquette tip, Vidalis."
G: "Watch it, smarty pants, or I'll wash your mouth out with soap. Now be a penitent little Princess and lather me up. Gotta get rid of that sand."
X: "As you desire, my fierce, benevolent, and soiled Queen."
G: "Xena?"
X: "Yes?"
G: "Shut up and scrub."
*Xena scrubs Gabrielle*
G: "Xena?"
X: "Hmm?"
G: "With the sponge, not your tongue."
X: "Party pooper." *pause* "Think they'll ever forgive me?"
G: "Honestly? I don't know. Some may, some may not. At least they'll leave you alone."
X: "Who would've guessed you'd be protecting me."
G: "It's a nice change of pace, I like it."
*moment of comfy silence*
X: "Was the rotten fruit and vegetable gauntlet really necessary?"
G: *haughty* "The Amazon Nation demanded justice. Would you rather I chained you to a tree and left you to the elements and the whims of pissed off Amazons?"
X: "Well, no--"
G: "Besides, what are a few overripe tomatoes and some rotten eggs to the Mighty Warrior Princess?"
X: "I stank to high heaven and I had a hard time getting the egg off my face!"
G: "It's good for your complexion, dear. Think of it as a free facial."
X: *gives her The Look*
G: "Poor baby, cleaning you up was such an ordeal. How ever did you stand it?"
X: *smirks* "I didn't. I laid back and took it like a--"
G: "Xena!"
X: *low throaty laugh*
G: "Shush, don't laugh! It's got to sound like you're enduring an agonizing and unpleasant task. By the way, don't forget my ears."
X: "Gabrielle, have I told you lately that you have strange ideas about corporal punishment?"
G: "Yes, you have--repeatedly."
*a few minutes pass*
G: "You're done? Bath time over so soon?"
X: "Yes, my squeaky clean Queen."
*Gabrielle turns in the tub and faces Xena; she takes the sponge from Xena's hand and throws it over her shoulder*
G: "Xena?"
X: "Yes?"
G: *sly smile* "You missed a spot..."

DISCLAIMER

The musical genre was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. In fact, the Producers sincerely hope you were A-MUSE-D by this episode.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Attack of the killer Persians! No, no, it's not flying carpets or rabid kittens, but marauding men from another land. Xena and Gabrielle must *thwack! a poison arrow hits Gabrielle in the back* er, make that Xena must single-handedly stop an invading army before it overruns Greece and Western civilization! If that isn't a full day, Xena must also find an antidote before the poison kills Gabrielle. Looks like a lot of butt kicking and bedside bonding.

Laura a.k.a. LaLa