She's half the woman she used to be

In Chakram, Xena is resurrected with a near death lobotomy that effectively erases her pesky dark side and a whole lotta memories.  What's left is a gentle, 'neutered', violence impaired Xena. It's up to Gabrielle and the Scooby Gang to help Xena restore the yang to her yin, while keeping the Chakram of Light out of Ares' hands. A meddling Ares is old hat, however, a pacifist, blank slate Xena is something new altogether. Quite unsettling to watch Xena take more interest in scarf shopping than self defense (thank goodness that state of mind is temporary!) During the ep, we finally learn who gave Xena her chakram (I'll give you three guesses).

What I liked most about this ep, other than a novel storyline, were the great fight scenes and the messages about being true to yourself and giving unconditional love to those you care about. All in all, a pretty good ep!

CAVALCADE OF CHARACTERS

• Xena: a shiny happy person prone to turn the other cheek rather than slap it.
• Gabrielle: these boots were made for kickin' ass.
• Amarice: that's "Please don't hurt me, oh fierce Keebler Amazon" to you.
• Eli: Mr. Luv is back...again.
• Joxer: the lovesick fool.
• Ares: workin' that hairy chested charm overtime.
• Kal: your local windbag, er, God of War.
• Caleb: the pile of ash formerly known as a monk.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Isn't It Ironic?
• Thanks For the Memories
• You Light Up My Life
• Shiny Happy Xena
• She's On A Mission...From God

THEME SONG FOR THIS EP

Barbra Striesand's "Memories" as sung by Xena:

"Memories, I have none left in my mind,
No violent dark memories of the way I was."

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Ares' sleek and sexy new 'do.
• Gabrielle's bangled, braided leather halter top. The best feature of it is the unobstructed view of her back -- meow! The matching wee necklace is a nice touch.
• Sais in the boots, such a nifty hiding place for Gabrielle's petite pointy pitchforks of pain.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Xena's mix 'n mismatch mini dress, see-thru pantaloons, muumuu combo.   And while I'm on the topic of ugly, why was she wearing a beaded curtain in her hair?
• Those crazy leather bookmarks passing as Gabrielle's skirt.
• Crispy Caleb's Dopey the Seven Dwarf yellow hooded robe.
• What's with the plethora of tiny penis syndrome codpieces? Why not just put a blinking billboard sign on yer crotch that reads "object in my pants is not as large as it appears"?
• Kal's silver 'eagle claw' epaulets look more like tinfoil chicken feet. Two-bit God of War or Colonel Sanders?
• That _Tin Man thing_ in blackface and red leather wearing a gods awful winged helmet. The only thing scary about him is the outfit.
• Kal's heavy metal leather boys sportin' the 'cheaper than Viagra' codpieces and upside down tulip hats (what no clogs?)

BURNING QUESTIONS

• I thought Hind's Blood was the only thing that could kill a god?
• Is Gabrielle so oblivious that she has no idea Joxer is in love with her? Geez, she's dense.
• What was Gabrielle going to say to Joxer (post luv declaration) before he shushed her?
• Why does Joxer look so sweaty in this ep?
• The chakram mosaic in Kal's temple, did it have some magic power to induce flashbacks or was the image of it enough to send Xena down memory lane?
• What name was Gabrielle gonna call Ares when she walked in on him and Xena?
• So, Ares stole the Chakram of Darkness...did he plan to give it to Xena all along or was that an afterthought?
• Does the same logic follow for removing the Chakram of Darkness as the Chakram of Light? Would your soul have to be dark and impure in order to remove the Chakram of Darkness from the temple?
• Does Mr. Gruntie (the hulking, plodding clod in the bulletproof codpiece) talk or is he only capable of guttural noises? Does he have any speed other than plod? Why does he remind me of the James Bond villain Jaws? Does he get better intergalactic reception with that crazy winged helmet?
• How did Ares and Kal know about Xena's death, resurrection, and present 'sweet as pie' disposition?

QUIBBLES

• Geez, do we really need to hear, yet again, Joxer's whiny pining for Gabrielle? It's time to nip this stupid subplot in the bud.
• Joxer's extremely bad timing.
• Ares, Ares, Ares, what kind of a sissy shoulder massage were you giving Xena? Unless you have some super Austin Powers mojo workin' in those light as a feather touches, you ain't working out the kinks, baby.
• Ok, Xena decides she cannot use the Chakram of Light to kill Kal and Ares, so what does she do? Drops it on the ground for _anyone_ to pick up and then runs into the temple. Duh! (I find it hard to believe that Xena, even in her 'empty vessel' state would forget such an important thing.) The only person who thought, "Gee, I better pick this up before some wacko God of War does," is Amarice. What were the rest of the Scooby gang thinking?
• I do not like this non violent Xena, no siree, not one bit. What a bore!
• What's up with Kal's voice? Was he trying for a deeper register or trying to hide an accent? Also, I don't think Kal was a very menacing War God -- no wonder he's stuck in a backwater town.
• Gabrielle masters the sais lickety split? She just bought the darn things!
• It sure took a long time for the Scooby Gang to figure out Amarice and Xena were M I A.

QUEEN SIZE QUIBBLE

• One word of advice for the director of this ep, _pull back_ the camera in the fight scenes! It's an arm, it's a leg, it's a red blur across the screen! Between the one too many close-ups and the hand held herky jerky cam, I missed a lot of good ass kicking.
• A hot tub scene just ain't a hot tub scene without Xena _and _Gabrielle.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Very nice yin yang chakram altar in the temple.
• Well now, didn't Ares get an eyeful of Xena!
• When the gang attempted to jog Xena's memory and she said 'violent', it sounded more like 'vio-went', as if Prwiestess Leah had channeled in there for a moment.
• I must say, the more I get to know Amarice, the more I like her. In the beginning, she bugged the heck out of me; her impulsiveness and disrespect for Gabrielle were a big turn off. However, in each subsequent ep she has mellowed, matured a bit, and kicked a lot of butt. Perhaps the Keebler Amazon ain't so bad after all. Loved the look on her face when she saw Gabrielle fight for the first time.
• Psst! Xena, your sign? She's short, cute, blond, bardly, and busty.
• Nice to see some edge in ol' Eli. I was beginning to think he was impervious to life, but the death of Caleb brought out the fighter in Mr. Luv.
• Sly transition between Joxer and Ares behind the gauzy curtain.
• Hmmm, is my mind playing tricks on me or did I hear a snippet of the Mission Impossible theme as Gabrielle and Amarice scaled the walls of the temple?
• Diggin' the Dynamic Duo of Amarice and Gabrielle. Their molotov cocktail approach to breaking and entering was most excellent.
• The bull statue in the marketplace previously appeared in the ep Been There, Done That.
• The new chakram (version 2.0) is two great killing tools in one.  Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet! Now Xena can be in three places at once. Also like the new techno bionic whoosh sound it makes. I was upset to learn that the old chakram was on the outs, but this new one makes the transition a whole lot easier. However, the new chakram needs a bit of spicing up -- maybe some glitter, gemstones, stickers...
• I must say, the dark Xena has a better fashion sense than Xena-lite. I was quite disturbed by the scarf shopping. "Look Gabrielle, you can tie it in a knot, you can tie it in a bow, you can accessorize, you can wear it as a cape or a babushka -- or turn it into a hobo pack with a stick!" Eeeek!
• Lucy did a fine job portraying a believably innocent Xena.
• (Insert George of the Jungle theme music here) "Am...Am...Amarice the Amazon -- hey look out for that tree!" Ouch! 
• So long Eli! We'll miss you...not!

KING SIZE KIBBLE

Attention: Gabrielle has come to her senses, I repeat, the badass bard is back. The new, improved, 'mama said knock you out' Gabrielle is a welcome change. Hooray!! I feel like doing Daffy Duck cartwheels down the street laughing maniacally all the way. Gabrielle finally, FINALLY puts this misguided path of love behind her -- AMEN sister! Yep, I like it. I like it a lot. Did I tell you I like it A WHOLE FREAKIN' LOT?

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Xena getting smacked in the face.
• Gabrielle realizing Xena's lights are on, but nobody's home.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

• Was Ares incapable or unwilling to move Eli in the temple?
• Xena can't/won't kill Kal and Ares, yet the moment Kal moves to stab Gabrielle -- slice! So long sucker!

SCORCHY SEXY NOT-SO-SUBTEXT

Gabrielle realizing she and Xena are alive:

G: "We're back. Together."
X: "Always."

Gabrielle's 'gonna stand by my woman' declaration:

G: "My path is with Xena, helping her however I can. I'll do what ever I have to do to protect her."

Xena thanking Gabrielle for guidance:

X: "Thanks Gabrielle."
G: "For what?"
X: "For pointing the way back to my rotten old self."
G: "It's a pleasure. Did I do that?"
X: "I didn't think about it at the time, but when I asked for a sign to show that I was doing the right thing, you showed up."

QUICK -- HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Kal and Ares' simultaneous sword attack and resulting weapon wounds -- LOL!
• The marketplace melee where Gabrielle and Amarice dress up Kal's bad boys in black 'n blue.
• Gabrielle and Amarice takin' the temple -- nice sword grab, block, and sword throw by Gabrielle.
• Xena playing "Boo!" with Amarice.
• Gabriellus Interruptus -- Ares' seduction of Xena is cut short.
• Xena's look of "Whew! I didn't burst into flames," when she picks up the Chakram of Light.
• Buh-bye Kal!
• Rewind, replay, repeat. The temple showdown when Xena finally gets down 'n dirty. Love the 'meat hook stab-somersault-bad guy toss' sssssexy!  Gabrielle does a fine job shishkabobbing and noggin' knocking too.

ARES: A SHARP SWORD AND A SHARP TONGUE

• Ares to Kal: "Are you still mad about me stealing the Dark Chakram?   That was years ago."
• A to X: "Hello Xena, what's a nice girl like you doing in manacles like those?"
• A to X: "You give us the chakram and I will personally guarantee your safety back to Greece. I will even throw in your buddies for no extra charge."

AMARICE: DON'T ANTAGONIZE THE AMAZON

A: "You didn't even defend yourself."
X: "So?"
A: "So, you usually pulverize guys like that."

X: "Boo!"
A: "Stop it! You're not a child, you're a warrior. When are you going
to remember that and start acting normal?"

G: "Is everyone ok?"
A: "She's (Xena's) not. She's still not normal."

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

G: "Are you ok?"
X: "Oh yeah, just a little stiff."

G: "I don't know how we'll repair that (chakram) Xena, it's not something you can take to a blacksmith."
X: "Oh this thing Amarice gave me? What is this thing anyway?"

X: "Is that a riddle? Hang on a minute, I love riddles. "What is a warrior with out a weapon?"

X to J: "If you love her, why don't you just tell her? Don't attach any strings to it, make it unconditional."

X: "Of course, you could just kiss the girl." (worked for Xena!)

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

X: "I feel I've misplaced something."
G: "Like our clothes?"

G: "Xena, it's not your memory, it's like you've lost your --"
A: "Fire, edge --"
J: "Marbles."
G: "Yourself."

X: "Living with me must have been a nightmare for you."
G: "You had your moments."

G to E: "Before Xena and I died, I realized my path is not the same as yours. I tried, but the way of love is not for me."

X: "Restoring this darkness, my violence -- can that really be good?"
G: "I think it's vital. I know that sounds strange coming from me. I think you have to know the darkest part of yourself to be whole."
X: "But this way I harm no one."
G: "But what about the people who harm others? Xena, you have this balance of light and dark. Without those, the very best in you is defenseless."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Praying
• Sugar, spice, and all things nice
• Being empty

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Tracking in the dark
• Xena's bodyguard
• Kicking booooo-tay

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Xena to Kal after he blows Amarice into the trees:

"Hey, that's some mighty bad breath, care for a Tic Tac?"

Xena, still in her empty vessel state, is alone with Gabrielle around campfire.

X: "Gabrielle, please?"
G: "Xena, we've been doing it all evening."
X: "C'mon, one more time."
G: "Oh, all right, but this is the last time." *begins to silently act out a charade*
X: "Hair? Big hair...scary hair...snake hair? Frozen...statue? Stone -- are you Medusa?"
G: "Yep."
X: "I win! Are you sure you don't want to play again?"
G: "I'm positive, Xena. Since when do you like playing charades anyway? Usually, you hate it."
X: "I do? Oh...well, I like your stories. Tell me another one."
G: "Xena, I've told you all my stories and you've read all my scrolls."
X: "Oh. Well, I...I guess I'll go to bed then." *fluffs her bedroll*
G: *gives Xena's body the once over* "Ummm, we could --"
X: "Talk!?"
G: "Talk?"
X: "Yeah, talk about girl stuff, feelings...you know."
G: "A sensitive chat? You're scaring me Xena -- I have a better idea."
X: "What's that?"
G: "I'll give you a hint: it's something both of us like to do." *throws Xena a saucy wink*
X: "Braiding and combing each others hair?"
G: "No." *seductively runs her foot up Xena's leg*
X: "Hey that tickles." *giggles*
G: "Xena, are you playing hard to get?" *sidles up beside Xena and starts nibbling on her earlobe*
X: "Gabrielle?"
G: "Hmmm?" *nibbles on Xena's neck*
X: "Are you...hungry?"
G: "Starved." *places kisses on Xena's cleavage*
X: "Because I have something you can eat --"
G: *growls* "I bet you do." *straddles Xena's lap and gives her a big ol' juicy kiss*
X: "Gamphrille?"
G: "Yes?"
X: "What are you doing?"
G: "Isn't it obvious?" *places tiny kisses all over Xena's face*
X: "Not really..."
G: "You mean you don't remember...this?"
X: *shakes head* "Some of my memories are fuzzy."
G: "_This_ is fuzzy?" *points to their close proximity and intertwined limbs*
X: "Kind of."
G: *plants a slow sexy kiss on Xena's lips* "Getting any clearer?"
X: "Uh..."
G: *disbelieving* "You, me, and the bedroll don't ring _any_ bells?"
X: "Not a single one."
G: "This is not happening." *gets up and starts angrily pacing around* "First, we die. Then we go to heaven and hell. When we get back, you've lost your dark side, you start scarf shopping, and now this!" *muttering to self* "This is a dream, a very bad dream."
X: "It's ok, Gabrielle."
G: "No, it's not. I am tense Xena, reaaaal tense!"
X: "You should relax."
G: "That's what I was trying to do." *starts rubbing the back of her neck*
X: "I could rub your shoulders."
G: "It's not my shoulders that need rubbing, Xena."
X: "Now that you mention it, I'm feeling tense too."
G: "You are?"
X: "And hot. Is it warm tonight or is it just me?" *fans self* "By the way, I like your new outfit."
G: "You do?"
X: "It really shows off your arms, your back..." *voice drops an octave* "Have you been working out?"
G: "You noticed?"
X: "Well, yeah, when you were sitting in my lap kissing me, squeezing me with your thighs, running your fingers through my -- hey, why did you stop anyway?"
G: *perks up* "So you liked it even though you don't remember it?"
X: *blushes* "Yeah."
G: *has a burst of inspiration* "Xena, how would you like to play a new game?"
X: "Sure."
G: "It's called Simon Says. The only rule is you have to do whatever I say."
X: "Do we take turns or do we play until someone loses or --"
G: "Xena?"
X: "Yes?"
G: "Simon Says shut up and kiss me."

SCENES THAT GOT CUT FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Xena, still in her empty vessel state, is alone with Gabrielle around campfire.

X: "Gabrielle, that was a wonderful story. Would you read another scroll?"
G: "Xena, aren't you tired of my stories yet? We've been at this all evening."
X: "Please?"
G: "Ok." *rummages in her scroll bag* "Ah, this story is one of my favorites." *begins to read the scroll about Hower, Minya, and Goliath the Giant* "Finally, Minya leaves the tent. Xena and I are alone in the hot tub."
X: "Gabrielle, are you all right?"
G: "Huh?"
X: "You look flushed."
G: "I do?" *laughs sheepishly* "I'm just thinking about all the things we did in the hot tub." *blushes a deep shade of red*
X: "Such as?"
G: "You know."
X: *very blank, expectant look*
G: "Ha, ha, very funny. C'mon, Xena, how could you forget that day?"
X: "All I remember is something about a frying pan, a wiggly goat, a giant, a whip, and a kite."
G: "No hot tub?"
X: "No."
G: "Water fight?"
X: "No."
G: "Lost bar of soap?"
X: "No."
G: "Nookie?"
X: "Huh?"
G: *panicked* "Xena, do you remember anything about our sex life?"
X: "You and me?"
G: *sarcastic* "No, you and Argo."
X: "Who's Argo?"
G: "This can't be right." *begins pacing and muttering to self* "Ok, so she doesn't remember anything violent, but how could she forget our sex life? Well, we were kind of rough sometimes -- like that one time she tied me up and gave me a good sp --"
X: "Gabrielle?"
G: "What?"
X: "Are you going to finish the story or not?"
G: "How do you expect me to finish the story when you can't remember the best part?!"
X: "If you don't want to read it just say so. I'll finish reading it myself."
G: *has a flash of inspiration* "Xena, wait. I have a better idea."
X: "So you'll finish the story?"
G: "In a manner of speaking, yes. Are you up for some interactive storytelling?"
X: "I suppose so, what do I have to do?"
G: *sits next to Xena* "As I tell the story we'll act it out."
X: "But I don't know the story."
G: "Don't worry, follow my lead and feel free to improvise. Ready?"
X: "I guess."
G: "Finally, Minya leaves the tent. You and I are alone in the hot tub. I scrub your back and then I..." *gently kisses Xena's lips*
X: "Then what happens?"
G: *kisses Xena again*
X: "It's the strangest thing, but this seems really familiar."
G: "I should hope so."
X: "Do it again."
G: *gives Xena a longer, wetter kiss* "How about now? Remember anything yet?"
X: "Not yet, but keep trying, Gabrielle."

DISCLAIMER

Xena's dark and violent past was restored during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

This leather bustier ain't big enough for both of us...Ares has a new badass chickie who wants to take Xena's place. *yawn* Oh wee wannabe, don't you know Xena gonna school you? That is, if Gabrielle don't get to you first.

Laura a.k.a. LaLa