I was eagerly awaiting Daughter of Pomira all week (doing the happy puppy anticipation butt wiggle dance); Saturday evening arrives, the ep airs, and after it's over, I'm left thinking, "Is this all there is?"   Unfortunately, Daughter of Pomira it did not live up to my expectations. It's missing something, but I can't put my finger on it.  The story is well written, the characters (for the most part) are interesting and believable, the pacing is crisp, and the action is fast 'n furious -- yet no 'umph.'

The last ep the Horde appeared in, The Price, is one of my favorite Xena eps. I was expecting another breathtaking 'between a rock and a hard place' confrontation between Xena and her nightmare nemesis...DENIED!  Instead, I watched a lukewarm and serviceable story of family ruination and reunion (is this the Lifetime Channel?) Once again, Gabrielle lights a proverbial match that sets off a powder keg of family dysfunction and Xena is forced to perform damage control.

However, all was not lost; the moment that made it all worth watching was the last exchange between Xena and Gabrielle -- yowza, what a zinger!

NOT SO SUCCINCT STORY SYNOPSIS

A child, kidnapped and raised by wolves, er, the Horde (same thing) is spotted by Xena, who recognizes the girl (does she know everyone in Greece?). Gabrielle talks the tall dark one into kidnapping and reuniting the girl with her original family. Fools, er, Gabrielle rushes headlong into a problem with the best of intentions and a 'happy ever after' ending in mind, but forgets the human equation. Alas, you can't stick a round peg into a square hole; the girl wants nothing to do with her birth family. To make matters worse, the Horde don't take too kindly to the kidnapping. A bloodbath is imminent, unless Xena can convince the girl to act as diplomatic envoy between her two families/cultures. Throughout the ep, mean ol' Milo taunts Xena and does his best to undermine her peacemaking plans. It becomes clear that Milo must die and Xena has the right tool for the right job. The girl makes nice between the families and chooses her adoptive family (the Horde) over her parents. No bloodbath and almost everyone lives happily ever after.

The End.

CAVALCADE OF CHARACTERS

Gabrielle: causing a commotion
Xena: the one woman clean-up crew
Pelee/Vanessa: the real wild child
Milo: opportunist rat bastard scalper
Cirvik: daddy dearest
Raul: not so daddy dearest
Aja: "Are you my mother?"

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• The Child Formerly Known As Vanessa
• Horde Smorgasbord
• Makeup Tips By Tammy Faye Baker
• Culture Clash
• The Noble Savage
• Possession is 9/10ths the Law
• Socially Impaired and Wild Haired
• Blond Horde Grrls Have More Fun
• Daughter of Propecia (Netgyrl's contribution: she misread the title)

THEME SONG FOR THIS EP

The Beastie Boys' "Fight For Your Right" as sung by the Horde to the villagers:

"Scalp It!
You mess with Pomira and kill everything in sight,
The way you trash nature, well, it just ain't right,
You don't wear any makeup and you're getting on our nerves,
One of these days you're gonna get what you deserve,
We gotta fight,
For the right,
To hug trees!"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

Well now, doesn't Vanessa clean up real nice? What a purty lil' Robin's egg blue dress.

I just love the Horde's 'found object, little bit of this, little bit of that' clothing assemblage. Layer upon layer of fabric fun! The earthtones really work for them and the skull headdresses are a nice intimidating touch, if a bit ungainly in a fight.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

Horde make-up, while tribal (and goodness knows I'm a sucker for tribal), is not all that attractive. Cirvik's warpaint looked put together and comely; however, Pelee and every other Horde looked like clown school dropouts whose makeup ran in a rainstorm.

Xena's 'goin' deep, deep, deep undercover' reconnaissance make-up job -- looked more like a mudmask than a clever disguise.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• It's been six years and Pelee/Vanessa is hidden beneath layers of makeup -- how is Xena able to recognize her?
• Neither of Pelee/Vanessa's parents have blond hair. What gives?  Recessive gene?
• Gabrielle is still acting out the 'Hope baggage'; I think that's what really started this whole soap opera in motion. Psychologists have a word for it -- projection. Will Gabrielle ever come to terms with her demon seed baby?
• Is Xena claustrophobic?
• So, Xena has a 'silencing pinch' to the vocal cords…is this what she uses to keep Gabrielle quiet?
• Why does the concept of Pelee/Vanessa's assimilation elude Gabrielle?
• Is Horde culture mondo-macho and sexist? Why do Horde womenfolk have to fetch kaltaka?
• Did anyone really believe Xena was stabbed instead of Milo?
• Where's a good family counselor when you need one?

QUIBBLES

• Even after six years away from her original culture, Pelee/Vanessa seems to remember quite a bit of English.
• Milo: the villain guy, the Redshirt, the thorn in the side who must die, die, die! He was more annoying than dangerous. I find it hard to believe a squinty, scrawny, 'little man complex' bully survived as long as he did 'hunting' the Horde.
• Xena having a fit of remorse after killing Milo? Save the angst for someone else, I say good riddance.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Two thumbs up for the return of Xena whippin' it, whippin' it good! My dominatrix fantasy fulfilled.
• Milo looked like a scragglier, skinnier, shaggier version of Tom Petty.
• Xena is a fool for love. She'll do anything that chatty little redhead asks of her.
• Nice use of the recurring sunrise and sunset.
• Who knew? The Horde are environmentalists! Extremist, warlike, treehugging, 'honor the four legged and scalp all others', make-up loving defenders of mother earth.
• Xena, you sly dog! Using an army for peaceful means, what would your warlord cronies think?
• Evil Xena has "retreat" in her vocabulary -- say it isn't so!
• Seems Xena has a little attitude problem when it comes to fetching kaltaka...I thought she was going to go ballistic, "You want kaltaka? I got your kaltaka right here, buddy." and whap that Horde guy upside the head with the water skin.
• Pelee/Vanessa sure can screech. Loud and piercing. I bet she could peel paint.
• Everytime I heard Cirvik's name, I thought of female anatomy.
• Bad hair does not make a bad parent.

FAMILIAR FACES

The actor who portrays Raul also portrayed Xena's first kill in Dreamworker and one of the warlords in Ten Little Warlords.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Xena mentally flagellating herself for the military strategy she used against the Horde that killed half her army.
• Big Daddy Cirvik crying out for Pelee/Vanessa.
• Raul and Aja begging Vanessa to stay with them.
• Pelee/Vanessa choosing to live with the Horde instead of Raul and Aja (sad, but believable).

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

While visiting Raul and Aja, Gabrielle volunteers Xena to search for and rescue Pelee/Vanessa. Interesting to note Xena and Gabrielle's relationship has progressed to the point where Gabrielle is free to make decisions for both of them, although I'm sure Xena wonders if that's such a good idea sometimes.

When Gabrielle voices her doubt about the wisdom of a reunion, Xena in essence says, "Told you so." yet supports her none the less. It's encouraging to see Xena accept Gabrielle's little quirks (even if it gets them both in a peck of trouble) and still respect her in the morning.

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

This doesn't really qualify as subtext (if pressed, I'm sure I could see subtext in anything), but this is my favorite exchange between the grrls in the ep.

X: "Gabrielle, because of you, Raul and Aja now know that their daughter is alive and happy, instead of dead like they thought. Because of you, Vanessa now has two loving homes. And because of you, for the first time ever, there's peace between us and the Hor -- the Pomira."
G: "I did all that and they call you the hero?"
X: "You want to switch? Fine. You kick butt and I'll take notes."

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

The flashback to Evil Xena fighting the Horde-she's a 'never say die' buzzsaw of bloody blades.

The two tree escapes: Xena and Gabrielle taking the high road to the treetops and Xena's backflip up a tree from a standstill.

Milo taunting Pelee/Vanessa…
X: "Watch it Milo."
M: "Hey, sweet pea. Welcome to civilization."
*P/V gives him a face full o' boot*
X: "You were warned."

The fight scene between Xena and Milo -- I especially like the simultaneous air kick that sends them flying in opposite directions and Xena's 'thighs as pliers' neck grab flip.

WILD CHILD WISDOM

"You killers. You kill tree, earth, all. And when we say, "No, go from here," you kill Pomira."

"Why run? Soon Cirvik come, then you run."

XENA AND MILO SITTING IN A TREE F-I-G-H-T-I-N-G

X to M: "It's a lovely day for a scalping."

"You're a mercenary little bastard, Milo."

X to M: "Pretty soon, you're gonna get all the Horde you can handle."

X: "No prisoners, no terms -- complete annihilation."
M: "Marry me."

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

G: "Can you believe him (Milo)?"
X: "Gabrielle, I was him."

G: "So, that's how they (the Horde) disappear."

X: "Underground. Terrific."
G: "Problem?"
X: "No, piece of cake."

G: "You pinched her (Pelee/Vanessa) voice?"
X: "It'll come back."

G: "What is it, Horde?"
X: "No, much worse." *whips Milo down from a nearby tree*

G: "This is all my fault. If I hadn't been so blind about my feelings toward Vanessa, then none of this would've happened."
X: "You're right."

P/V: "He (Milo) hate Pomira."
X: "Pomira hate him."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

X: "Gabrielle, you follow your heart and I respect that. Taking Vanessa could stir up a lot of trouble."
G: "They took her first. We're just bringing her home, Xena."

Gabrielle to Raul: "Underneath all that paint, she's still your daughter."

G to X: "You know, you'd think I'd learn not to meddle with families."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Diplomacy
• Fetching kaltaka
• Kidnapping
• Creating a cave-in
• Kicking butt

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Meddling
• Social worker
• Twig snapping
• Taking notes

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Gabrielle is eager to be the hero for a while, so the grrls decide to engage in a bit of role reversal.

G: *storms up to Xena in a huff* "Thank you, you were such a help out there."
X: *carefully writing on a scroll* "Shhh! Don't interrupt me, my muse is speaking."
G: "If you don't put down the scroll, your muse is gonna be the only one speaking to you."
X: *looks up unfazed* "Gabrielle, you look a bit flushed, are you all right?"
G: "No, I'm not! I barely prevented that goon from skewering those poor travelers."
X: "Oh, he was nothing."
G: "Nothing? I'd like to see you fight him and say he was...oh nevermind."
X: "You know, Gabrielle, I like this taking notes while you kick butt arrangement."
G: "Well, now that you bring it up, I would like to--"
X: "Kick some more butt? Good. There's a village that needs our help.  We can get there by this afternoon."
G: "No, Xena, I would like things to go back to the way they were."
X: "What do you mean? You're doing a great job."
G: "While that may be true, I would really, really like to resume the note taking, if you don't mind."
X: "But I was just getting the hang of this bard thing."
G: "Xena --"
X: "I just finished another poem, let me read it to you." *pats the grass beside her* "C'mon, sit down."
G: *mutters* "Gods, save me."
X: "What did you say?"
G: "Please, tell me." *sits next to Xena* "I hope it's better than the one you wrote yesterday."
X: "What didn't you like about "There once was a lass from Nantucket?"
G: "Xena, it's not a poem, it's a dirty joke."
X: "What wrong with that?"
G: "A poem evokes emotion and teaches a lesson."
X: "Well, I think the lesson in my poem is pretty clear."
G: "Xena, I just don't think you're cut out to be a writer. You're too literal."
X: "What do you mean 'too literal?'"
G: *plucks the scroll from Xena's hand and reads* "The bandit approached Gabrielle. Gabrielle beat him up. The End." *pauses* "That's it?  That's all you can say about the incident?"
X: "Yep."
G: "Well, I think I've proved my point."
X: "And that would be?"
G: "Xena, where are the descriptions? The pacing? The analogies? The artistry?"
X: "You mean the flowery language."
G: "It's not flowery!"
X: "Then how would you have written it?"
G: "It was a warm, bright day. The sun caressed the golden tresses --"
X: "Red tresses."
G: *glares* "golden tresses of the beautiful and talented bard, Gabrielle. Her journey was interrupted by a tall and vicious --"
X: "He was not tall."
G: "Maybe not to you. As I was saying, the hygiene impaired bandit with yellow teeth and foul breath stood in the middle of the road, blocking Gabrielle's way. He threatened to rip off her skirt and pinch --"
X: "He what? I'll kill him!"
G: "Too late. He limped off and I don't think he'll be able to fulfill that promise for quite some time. Where was I? Ah, yes, the brave and petite bard took offense to his coarse suggestions and handily dispatched of him. Nevermore will his presence cast a shadow on her path."
X: "You left out the part where you beat him up."
G: "No I didn't, that's what 'dispatch' means. If you would take the time to expand your vocabulary-"
X: "And what's with the shadow on the path? Is that your 'analogy'?"
G: "Actually, it's not an analogy it's a --"
X: "Gabrielle, it would be so much more simple to say, "The bandit approached Gabrielle. Gabrielle beat him up."
G: "Agh! Xena, you could take the most exciting event and make it boring! I bet you could make something inherently interesting like, like --"
X: "Sex?"
G: "Yes, I bet you could suck all the romance out of it and make it dry as toast. I can hear it now, "They met. They fu--"
X: "Gabriiiielle."
G: "Oh wait, I forgot something, "They met. They kissed. Then they fu--"
X: "Ok, it seems you're willing to bet I can't write."
G: "Right."
X: "What's the wager?"
G: "Wager?"
X: "I propose that I tell you a story and if it doesn't 'excite' you, then I'll go back to kicking butt and you go back to taking notes.  Deal?"
G: "Deal."
X: "*Xena gives Gabrielle a passionate kiss*
G: *surprised* "What was that for?"
X: "Shh, you're interrupting me."
G: "But I thought you were going to tell me a story."
X: "I am, I'm acting it out for you."
G: "But it doesn't have any dialogue."
X: "Of course it does. Talking and moaning and begging and --"
G: "This is highly unconventional."
X: "I can stop if I'm boring you."
G: *adamant* "No, no, no." *Gabrielle pulls Xena into a wet and prolonged kiss*
X: "Well, how do you like the story so far?"
G: *breathless* "Very exciting. Please, tell me more."

DISCLAIMER

No blond haired, blue eyed Horde girls or their extended families were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Cinderella or Cinderfella? Kiss Mother Goose goodbye, it's another fractured fairytale. Joxer steals Autolycus' facial hair, Gabrielle is a Fairy-something-or-other, and Xena (or one of her many lookalikes) is in desperate need of a pedicure.

Laura a.k.a. LaLa