How do I betray thee?   Let me count the ways...

YES! This is the ep I've been waiting for--Xena is deadly, disheveled, and deliciously devious in The Debt. We get the past, the present--so many unanswered questions and unresolved situations (egad, I'm still recovering--clean up on isle five!) Damn them for making me wait another week for the conclusion. Argh!

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

AC DC's "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" becomes "Dirty Deeds Don't Come Cheap"

"Got problems with my Boris Badinov bedwarmer, 
Can't get no satisfaction,  
He's double dealin' with ol' Ming Tzu,
Time to put his ass in traction,
Dirty deeds don't come cheap,
Dirty deeds I don't work for free,
Dirty deeds don't come cheap,
Dirty deeds and I play for keeps."

Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" becomes "50 Ways to Deceive Your Warrior"

"Sneak into China, Dinah;
Side with the Green Dragon, Flannagan;
Dress up as a boy, Roy;
Turn loyalties on Xena, Rowena..."

BEVY OF BADASS BABES

The newest and most exciting addition (since Callisto) to the growing gallery of Badass Babes is Lao Ma (Jacqueline Kim). Who is she? Where did she come from? Can I keep her? She's reminiscent of my favorite kickass kung-fu queens Michelle Yeoh and Brigitte Lin.

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD & BEAUTIFUL

• Xena's big brown fuzzy cloak
• Lao Ma's red robe and furry bonnet
• Xena's geisha garb
• Xena's assassination body stalking--I mean stocking
  

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY & UNBECOMING

• I feel ambivalent about Xena's meanie beanie. On one hand, the contrast of materials (quilted cotton and metal studded leather) is bold, but I want the beanie to carry over the fun fur from Xena's outfit. I want quilted, kinky, and furry. Is that asking too much?
• Xena in pants is a no no. Xena=Thighs, I want to see thighs.
• Borias' coiffure reminds me of a singular Princess Leia cinnamon bun atop his noggin.
  

QUIBBLES

How did Gabrielle get to China and set her plan in motion, let alone beat Xena to the castle? She doesn't know the language, culture, or geography. And I can just imagine her conversation with the Green Dragon! (Sheesh, she'll be lucky if she doesn't end up as the Emperor's personal dumpling maker by the end of Debt2).

KIBBLES & BITS

• Carmina Burana-esque music!
• The homage to the Indiana Jones: Xena, facing an assassin with 2 swords, watches as he spins the swords faster and faster; Xena , tiring of the flashy display, buries the chakram in his chest.
• Lao Ma's mode of transportation: the magic carpeted walking pagoda (the stretch limo of ancient times) accompanied by her contingent of kung-fu chicks--what's up with the umbrella chick?
• Xena is simultaneously fascinating and frightening--growling, glaring, spitting, chucking eeeevilly, and doing her all around best to scare the beejeeezus out of Ming T'ien. The poor kid has the look of an insect skewered and mounted on an entomologist's bug board.
  

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Xena's Crucifixion
• Xena hunted by a pack of dogs
• Gabrielle betraying Xena

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Each and every fight scene!
• The Ming soldier's body hitting a 'speedbump' while dragged behind Xena's horse.
• Lao Ma putting the 'whammy' on that meat tenderizer of a mongrel chasing Xena.
• Xena's expression and derisive laugh when Lao Ma calls Borias a 'man of honor.'
• Xena's slo-mo surfacing from underwater, a la Apocalypse Now, with a dagger clenched between her teeth.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

The moment Lao Ma and Xena first lay eyes on one another *zing!*  What is the look passing between them? Sizing one another up? Attraction? Curiosity? Recognition of a kindred spirit or a threat?

Something's going on...

LM: "You must be Xena."
X: "Oh, you've heard of me."
LM: "Oh yes. They say you're a dangerous woman."
X: "Well, they're right."

Xena huffin' n puffin' on the hookah pipe, like Alice in Wonderland's caterpillar, all the while a third wheel voyeur watching Borias put the moves on Lao Ma. As Xena's mind sinks deeper into an opium fog, her temper rises until she explodes and throws a knife *thunk* in front of Lao Ma's outstretched hand.

Xena: "That's my piece of meat you're reaching for."
Lao Ma: "You're wrong. I don't eat meat."

Could you please repeat that? Did I hear correctly? Is Lao Ma a vagitarian, er, vegetarian? I'm not even gonna touch this one, I'll let you infer what you will ;)

WALK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG HAIRBRUSH

Some ideas are not good ideas. Some people should be left alone.  Xena's has yet to learn this lesson. Her ill-fated and poorly executed attempt on Lao Ma's life is a perfect case study. The first indication things are not going in Xena's favor: the flying flaming log. Ah, "Lao Ma got lucky!" thinks Xena as she hurls twin daggers at Lao Ma's back. "Hey! Where'd that hairbrush come from?"  Before Xena can contemplate the mysteries of the hairbrush, Lao Ma turns and without missing a beat whips the daggers back at Xena.  "Duck! Duck! Goose!" Any reasonable person would recognise a lost cause, but we're talking about Evil Xena. With a final rampaging elephant charge, Xena barrels toward Lao Ma. An 'I pity the fool' expression clouds Lao Ma's face as she delivers the coup de grace--an explosive chi punch to Xena's chest. "Now I know what flying parchment feels like..." Say goodnight, Gracie.

"COME WITH ME IF YOU WISH YOUR FREEDOM"

Decisions, decisions...Xena can either:

Become a chew toy for a pack of sharp toothed salivating mongrels.
           -or-
Take refuge in the home of a mysterious and gorgeous woman.

Xena must wonder what's up with women who want to rescue her. First M'Lila and now Lao Ma (and later Gabrielle). Is it the blue eyes? The leather? Her charming personality and witty repartee? Her round killing thing?

10 EASY STEPS TO ENLIGHTENMENT

Not only is Lao Ma beautiful, but wise:

"Fill yourself with desire and see only illusion. Empty yourself of desire and understand the great mystery of things."

"Beaten, half dead, crippled doesn't seem very sporting, Ming Tzu."

Xena: "Why are you doing this?"
Lao Ma: "I've been blessed or cursed with the ability to see into the souls of others. You don't know it yet, Xena, but you are a remarkable woman capable of greatness.

Lao Ma: "I was a courtesan and you sold me. You expected loyalty?"
Ming Tzu: "What a strange woman, Lao Ma, soft and hard at the same time."
Lao Ma: "Like water. Nothing is as soft as water, yet who can withstand the raging flood?"

YOU CAN RING MY BELL

The 'breath of fresh air' kiss! I hereby volunteer to imitate an oxygen deprived Koi fish in a lily pond if it means Lao Ma will kiss me, er, practice her resuscitation skills on me. (Heck, forget kissing, I'll crawl many, many miles, scantily clad, over stinging nettles just to have her drop kick me to the next province). Xena must have needed *a lot* of air for as long as the kiss lasted.

CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY

Oh my, the bathing beauties makeover...The entire bathing, hairbrushing and dressing up sequence was a slow, sensuous, gentle, spiraling seduction.
Erotic! Not one word of dialogue spoken; Xena' s expression conveyed it all--alternating between luxuriating and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't recall ever seeing Xena surrender and allowing herself to be pampered. Is this a first of many firsts with Lao Ma? (Lao Ma was a courtesan...I say no more).

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

Their bedrolls side by side, Xena turns over in her sleep and reaches out for Gabrielle. When Xena realizes Gabrielle's not there, she wakes up.
Xena and Gabrielle's goodbye on the boat dock: Xena caresses Gabrielle's cheek, embraces her, and kisses the top of her head.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"Eat dirt!"

"It's not an offer, it's a statement of fact."

"Borias, I want the dead. These ones here and the ones on the battlefield. I'm gonna put them to work."

"With shattered legs and crippled soul, I traveled East to lose myself in vengeance. Not against Caesar, but the entire human race."

"Saving his ugly mug wasn't what I had in mind."

"Run to your master, *puppy*"

"I don't know if you people pray to the gods, but if you don't, now would be a great time to start."

"Well, that was a thing of beauty."

Xena: "I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain. You'll be dead in a minute."
Ming Guard: "What do you want to know?"
Xena: "Nothing. I'm just letting you know how long you've got left so you can enjoy it."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

G: "I hope I never disappoint you, Xena."
X: "Impossible."
G: "I've found that anything is possible."

"I can't let you do this Xena."

WHAT WE HAVE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

X: "I'm going on a long journey."
G: "*You're* going on a long journey? What happened to *we*?"
X: "This time is different."
X: "If you came, you couldn't get in my way."
G: "Are you saying I'm a nuisance?"
X: "No, you just wouldn't like what I'm going there to do."

X: "Thanks Gabrielle."
G: "You're welcome. I'm glad I could help you get a deal on the things you need to commit a murder."

X: "You ain't heard nothin' yet."
G: "I don't think I want to hear any more about this tale of war, greed, hate."
X: "Hate? It's not about hate, it's about love."

G: "You owe someone so much that you would just throw away these last few years?"
X: "Yes."

GABBY: CHATTY AND CATTY

X: "Kill them all. Yeah, that's what I said."
G: "That was obviously your answer to everything in those days, Xena."

X: "We [Borias and herself] were quite a pair in those days."
G: "And to think two people like that made a beautiful child like Solon."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Assassination (so she wasn't successful *this* time)
• Kidnapping ("Wanna go for a ride, little boy?")
• Extortion (three for me and none for you)
• Stoner (opium is not a good drug for Xena)
• Bareback Horse Riding ;)
• Exhibitionist
• Tic Tac Toe
• Resus-a-Annie CPR practice dummy
• Synchronized Swimmer (ok, this is a stretch, but Xena holds her breath underwater and her rocket launcher maneuver from castle moat to parapet is worthy of Esther Williams).
• Decorator (a picket fence of severed, shrunken heads on stakes is de rigueur for the high plains Warlord. Adds that intimidating, yet homey touch to any wide open space. The perfect melding of Hannibal Lecter and Martha Stewart).

DOWN AND DIRTY

Dirt She-Devil, the newest trend in soil stealth technology, otherwise known as impersonating a dirt clod. It's a dirty job...sorry, I couldn't resist. Xena invents the first makeover in mud: great for the skin and a great look for those sneaky assassination missions!

THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES

And hair color, and body, and gender...strange, you don't look like a dark-haired, male, Chinese, Emperor. Oh no! Perhaps Warrior...Princess...Tramp fever has spread to the land of Chin?

BIGMOUTH STRIKES AGAIN

Et tu, Gabrielle "Little Miss Paybacks are a Bitch" of Potei-stab you in the back-daia? Oooooo I'm furious! Who died and made her Julie, Cruise Director of the Love Boat? She shows her true hair color, er, her true colors.  Grrr! After Xena overcomes her initial shock, what will she say? Perhaps: 

"Funny, but you don't look like a two timing, double dealing, two faced, double crossing, traitorous turncoat bard."
            -or maybe-
"Would you care to retrieve the dagger you so self-righteously and unthinkingly buried up to the hilt in my back? Getting pretty handy with the blade now, aren't ya?"

What does Gabrielle hope to accomplish by betraying Xena? That Xena will 'learn her lesson'? What would that be? Don't use my scrolls?  Don't leave me behind? Don't murder for anyone else but me? Don't try and shish kabob my badseed baby? Do tell, Gab. Did it occur to you that the Green Dragon will torture Xena, then try to kill her, she'll get *real pissed* and kill him anyway! (What's one less despot?) Seems we're right back at the beginning.

HOW DOES THAT GRAB YA DARLIN'?

"I liked him wild, like I was. An animal living from one moment to the next, driven by desire alone."

The Evil Xena was a Super Freak. She certainly gave new meaning to 'bareback horse riding.'

Chuong, the errand boy, comes upon Borais and Xena giving each other 'saddle sores.'

Chuong: "Lao approaches."
Xena: "Let him wait." None too happy with the `riding rough-shodus interruptus'
Borias: "C'mon Xena, we can do this anytime."
Xena: "Don't be sure."

Borais then unceremoniously dumps Xena from the saddle and rides off. Their sex life is interesting to say the very least. Tender, no. Rough, yes. I wonder which of their activities, bonking or looting and killing, inflicts more injuries?

SHE'S BAAAAAAACK

Guess who else sprouted a doppelganger in the Xenaverse? Khrafstar (Goatboy)/Borias. Yep. Once a badboy, always a badboy. He did Gabrielle wrong and now it's Xena's turn. Of Xena's male lovers, Borais is the first plausible match. (Caesar, Julius Caesar? He's certainly mean enough, but lacked chemistry. Ulysses? Gimme a break! Darius? Calling Mr. Milquetoast! Petricles? Getting there. Marcus? About as vicious as the Snuggles fabric softener bear. Maphaius? Another good reason to leave that time line. Iolus? Next! Hercules? Too Darn Nice.) Despite Borais' bad coif and Boris Badinov accent (I kept waiting for Rocky and Bullwinkle to appear), I kind of liked this ruthless, reptilian badboy.

THAT'S THE WAY THE FORTUNE COOKIE CRUMBLES

Xena finishes her meal, fires up the hookah, breaks open the fortune cookies and reads:

"Psssst! He's a bum! Kick him to the curb."
"Your real name is Lucy Lawless. Xena is just a figment of your imagination."
"Beware the National Anthem."
"Confucius' say: Grease is the word."
"Moose and Squirrel."

DIRECTIONS TO XENA'S YURT

Go through the field of dead bodies. Turn left at the skulls on sticks. My yurt is between the 154th and 155th rotting head. Don't be late.

QUIZ: DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE XENA'S FRIEND?

In order to be Xena's friend, for lack of a better word, you must:
a. die--either by her hand or just because you know her
b. betray her
c. a and b

DISCLAIMER

No frock tarts were killed during the production of this motion picture, although they wish they had been.

EP TEASE FOR NEXT WEEK

Xena tied up. Xena tied down. Twirling. Telekinesis. More Lao Ma!

Laura a.k.a. LaLa