What a double whammy of eps! Both are powerful, but personally, I like The Debt (part 1) best. In The Debt (part 2), I knew Xena would somehow escape and kill Ming T'ien. I didn't know what would happen with Gabrielle--my oh my, not what I expected at all! Although they made declarations of love, all is not well and the lies keep multiplying. As for Lao Ma, I am so sad she's dead. Why do fascinating characters have to die? (not that death means much in the Xenaverse, but geez, I really like Lao Ma) ::sulking, pouting, and stamping my foot:: It isn't fair!

THEME SONG FOR THIS EP

Janis Joplin's "Piece of my Heart":

"C'mon c'mon c'mon and take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now Gabby!
Oh yeah, break it!
Go on and grind it under the heel of your petite red boot until there's nothin' left but a grease spot!
C'mon, take it!
While you're at it, skewer it, roast it, hey--better turn it over 'cuz this side is burnt!
C'mon, break it!
You know you got me,
Gab, you got me good!"

YOU DON'T MISS YOUR WATER 'TIL IT'S GONE

"You've been a dead woman for a long time now, Xena. I'm offering you a chance to live."

Ah, the love of a good woman; nurture and protect it or squander and regret it. Why would Xena, or anyone for that matter, choose Borias (Mr. Toads Wild Ride) over Lao Ma (Salvation and Sanctuary)? Let us compare:   

I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDA

Xena: "She had such dreams of peace for her land and for my soul. I ruined them all."

We coulda been so good togetha, like buttah...Lao Ma offered you life and love, yet you rejected her--hormones overruled good judgment.

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

The call of the wild--when Xena sees how the other half lives (the sane half), she gets scared and runs back to what's familiar--rage and badboys. Borias is a drug. Hate is an aphrodisiac. Their mutually-parasitic-two-dogs-in-heat relationship is like watching a car wreck--fascinating and repulsive.

Natasha: "I geet Mooose. You geet Squirrel."
Boris: "How come you alvays geet Squirrel?"
Natasha: "Squirrel like nut."
Boris: "Natahsaaaaa."
Natasha: "Hmmm?"
Boris: "You got your chocolate in my peaaanut butter."
Natasha; "Oh, Booooris, you such badboy!"

DON'T MESS WITH MA

For someone so smart, Xena can be incredibly stupid at times. She suffered a momentary lapse of self preservation when she made a move to 'ginsu' Ming T'ien. Let's connect the dots: Ming T'ien is Lao Ma's son. Xena threatens him. Lao Ma plays Xena like a pinball machine--ding ding ding Tilt! Game over!

IRON FIST IN A VELVET GLOVE

La Mao is a walking contradiction. A pacifist, yet a hellcat in a kimono. Up front and honest, yet capable of elaborate ruses and 'to your face' lies. Young at heart, yet wise beyond her years.

X: "You write down all the wisdom stuff, huh?"
LM: "Yes, in his (Lao Tzu's) book...What difference does it make who gets credit for it, Lao Ma or Lao Tzu?" (I knew it, Lao Ma has her finger in history's pie just like Xena!)

"Would you kill a mosquito with an ax?"

"To conquer others is to have power. To conquer yourself is to know the way."

"Stop willing. Stop desiring. Stop hating."

LM: "That could be a very useful weapon if thrown at the right body part."
X: "You could kill someone with a hair broach?"
LM: "If necessary, I don't like to kill however."
X: "Everyone has their preferences. I happen to like a good kill."
LM: "You're so full of anger and hate."
X: "Everyone's gotta be full of something."

REJECTED PET NAMES

Now we know from whom Xena received her moniker Warrior Princess. What we don't know are the names Lao Ma 86'd:

• Sweet Cheeks
• Diver Dan
• Puss in Boots
• My not-so-petite Flower
• Huggy Bear
• Gold Finger
• Lil' Mermaid
• Sissy
• Thigh Master
• Xena weena
• My Dumpling Dentata
• Lucky 13
• Venus in Furs
• Anti-Barbie
• Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill!
• Grasshopper

TAMING OF THE SHREW

'Civilizin' Lao Ma style: Xena, Eliza Doolittle-esque, having some rough edges smoothed and a few wild hairs snipped.

X: "If you think I'm playing servant girl to those two, then you've got another--"
LM: "Quiet, Xena."

Xena, ask not what Lao Ma can do for you, but what you can do for Lao Ma.

LM: "Therefore, she who would live a long time should live for others, serve others."
X: "I could serve you, if that's what you mean."
LM: "Of course you can, it's easy to serve someone you love."

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMM

Lao Ma offering Xena a purpose and a title: "You're going to help me run the kingdom of Lao. You'll be my Warrior Princess."

After Lao Ma's laying of hands faith healing and Xena's joyous flying leap, Lao Ma says:

"Come to me, Xena. Now."

Xena is gift wrapped in silk and reeled in for a hug, they share smiles, Xena places the broach in Lao Ma's hair, they frolic in the fabric snug as bugs in a rug, then Lao Ma unfurls Xena, and she spins away like a whirling dervish.

Come fly with me...Xena and Lao Ma floating, flying Mary Poppins-esque:

"Just a wee bit of chi and we're flying high--whee! In the most gravity defying way!"

As if the frolic in the fabric wasn't metaphorically suggestive enough...what to infer from this gauzy, slo-mo, spinning, gazing, caressing, gee this beats opium any day, soft core Victoria's Secret, Oh Betty, Oh Wilma, fluff and fold, take me now, harps and ahhhahhh scene?? Unfortunately, it all comes crashing down when Xena eyes Borias and loses that lovin' feelin'. Floating Fabrica Frolicus Femalia interruptus--I hate it when that happens!

HELL HATH NO FURY

Boris, Boris, Boris, Natasha really kicked your butt, didn't she? Not the same woman you double-crossed and left for dead, eh?

"You always were a leg man!"

Thermonuclear thighs and fists of fury...ouch! I'd say the power dynamics in their relationship have changed. Xena's gonna be on top in more ways than one. Is it me, or did Borias seem to enjoy being knocked around? He said, "I give you my heart." Sucker.

FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY

Let's play 'Guess the Pop Culture Reference,' shall we? My naughty little Xenite friend (she's sick, she's twisted, she made me do it!)  thought Xena's trip down the well reminded her of this line from a movie: "It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose." Can you guess the movie? The correct answer won't win you anything, but you can revel in a moment of smug self-satisfaction.

DON'T TEASE THE ANIMALS

Dinner was never so deadly. Ming Tzu suffers foot in mouth disease when he unknowingly insults Xena to her face.

"The gold and horses we gave him for double crossing that whore have made him too powerful."

"Be careful, you idiot."

"Borias is very dangerous, more dangerous than that witch Xena. He's very clever, she was a stupid thug."

DO YA FEEL LUCKY?

Xena doesn't 'do' servitude well. In order to win her freedom from those who would 'claim her,' she proposes a game...

Xena: "I say, you should put me up as the stakes in a game of chance and see who wins."

Some people are party poopers and need an incentive...

Ming Tzu: "This is ridiculous! Gambling over a worthless whore. Why don't we throw something of value into the pot?" Xena gives him the look and replies...
Xena: "All right, let's say the winner gets me and a body part from each of the losers."

Yikes! This sure ain't tiddlywinks or penny poker...

Xena: "A body part. Minimum bet is a hand."
Borias: "I'm in."
Lao Ma: "I don't want anyone's body part."
Xena: "Then let's all pray that you win. What about you Ming Tzu? You got the jewels for this one?"

Shake, rattle, and roll...

Xena: "I win."

Time to put up or shut up...

Xena: "I want a piece of him (Ming Tzu)."

ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING OR XENA'S TIPS FOR TYRANTS

Xena's a regular warrior-terrorist-philosopher (now we know where Machiavelli got his ideas). Here are a few she passed along to Ming T'ien:

• The conquered have three choices: on their knees, on their backs, or under my boot heel.
• Don't like the message? Kill the messenger.
• Don't like the food? Cut up the cook, roll him in salt, and feed to your horse.
• Don't like the weather? Kill the first person who says, "Gee this is some weather we're having, huh?"
• Don't want to ask nicely? Terrorize and take what you want.
• Don't want to play fair? Screw `em and then screw `em over.
• Make a promise? Break the promise.
• If you don't double-cross, don't bother.
• Having a bad day? Kill `em all!

LET THEM EAT CAKE

At times, Ming T'ien's delivery reminded me of Captain Kirk's halting/unusual inflection speech pattern. Also, Ming T'ien didn't walk, he swaggered as if his royal undergarments were in a bunch. Spoiled little brat, he needed more than a good spanking. He turned into quite the murdering sociopath with a penchant for pithy observations:

"You betrayed her. Tell me, why did you do it if you love her so?"

"If you think banishing Xena will keep her from returning to kill me, you don't know her as well as you think."

"Don't feel bad. I would've executed her no matter what she said. It's amazing really, she did all this out of some fool gratitude to Lao Ma for saving her life."

STAIN REMOVAL

MT: "I have something to tell you."
X: "Say it."
MT: "You made me, Xena. You taught me to be the monster I am."
X: "I know--part of the reason I'm here. I've learned to clean up after myself. Is that all?"

DON'T COME A KNOCKIN' IF THE PALACE IS A ROCKIN'

I've got you under my skin...How sweet it is to be possessed by you...Did Lao Ma's spirit take a detour and make a rest stop in Xena's body? Or was all the 'chi wrecking ball' mayhem Xena's doing? And jump back (kiss yo' self) Xena was one helluva telekinetic hairball, er, chiball of fury. Burning question is, will Xena be able to 'channel the chi' after this?

OOOOO! SYMBOLISM

Ming T'ien: "Her last request was that I return this to you."

The hair broach. The most well-traveled hair accessory in the kingdom of Chin:

from Xena's rat's nest of a `do,
to Lao Ma (who used it to puncture a water skin and kept it as a memento),
back to Xena's now nicely coifed `do,
to Lao Ma, again, as a token of affection from Xena,
then many, many years in Lao Ma's possession,
to Ming T'ien upon her execution,
briefly back to Xena,
and permanently to Ming T'ien--ventilating his head.

Xena: "I finally understood Lao Ma's message and I made him small again."

THE POTEDAIA INQUISITION

"Say it! *slap* Say it!"

Little Miss Pacifist goes on a screamin' and slappin' tirade. Neither her words or five fingers of persuasion convince Xena to 'be nice.' In fact, it does just the opposite. Gabrielle later wrote: Dear Diary, What the hell was I thinking?

LOVE YOU HATE YOU

To say Xena feels ambivalent towards Gabrielle is an understatement. Small wonder she didn't develop emotional Tourette's:

"Gabrielle--you irritating, meddling blond nuisance--I could never hate you--but the thought of stuffing your BGSB in that big mouth of yours is really appealing--you're my friend--who needs enemies?--even though you betrayed me--I've got your number sweetie--and I was sentenced to death--I'm gonna slap you silly first chance I get--I love you--soooo much I can't stand the sight of you--scratch my nose, will ya?--on second thought, kiss my ass!"

GAB'S BATTING AVERAGE

Rub a dub dub, Ring a ding ding, Pitcher's got an arm like a washin' machine! The score: Gabrielle is two for two (she lied about Hope's demise and betrayed Xena). I nominate her as this season's MVP--most vindictive person. To be fair, Xena lied about Ming T'ien's death. The bases are loaded...our grrls are up...hey, batter, batter, batter swiiiiing!

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD & BEAUTIFUL

Gabrielle in geisha wear (otherwise known as the Turquoise Tent) was 'different' (at least it wasn't Bilious Green), but alas, no fab abs!

Lao Ma and Xena in their billowing, slinky silk robes.

FASHION STATEMENTS: KINKY AND CUMBERSOME

Xena's fetish neckwear (and I thought collars during the 70's were big). It kinda looked like a dining room table with Xena's head as the center piece. Just call her Chairman of the board!

Xena and Lao Ma's stiff Olive Oyle 'pan handle' petite ponytails

DING DONG AVON CALLING

Who let Tammy Faye Baker do Xena and Gabrielle's make-up? I especially disliked the Hooker Red lipstick--either wash your face or get back to your 'corner.'

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

Guard: "Hey Xena, I hear you were betrayed by a friend."
Xena: "No, not by a friend."

"I'm the scourge your god sent to punish your people."

LM: "The entire world is driven by a will blind and ruthless. In order to transcend the limitations of that world, you need to stop willing. Stop desire. Stop hating."
X: "How do *I* do that?"

"Not just my life, she saved my soul, my spirit, my entire being."

LM: "I know it's foolish of me. Just because we give birth to them doesn't mean we own them."
X: "He's your son?"

"Serve Ming? I'd rather die!"

"That was the moment. I could've done it right there. I could've just let go and buried all my hatred forever. That was my chance."

"Not long before I met you, I was at the end of my rope. I was ready to give up and then I thought of her and what she taught me and I was reborn. That's the debt."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

"I want to see Xena."

"I need to talk to her. I have to explain to her why I did what I did. I'm terrified of what she might be thinking of me."

G: "Can we talk? *SILENCE* Course not, I betrayed you. The pathetic thing is, I thought I was saving you. *SILENCE* My reverence for life kept a brutal tyrant in power and led to my best friend's execution. I know you hate me, Xena, but no more than I hate myself." *MORE SILENCE*
X: "Scratch my nose will you?" (Gabrielle starts to cry as she gives Xena's nose a fierce scratch) "I know you only did what you thought was right. I was angry with you, but I didn't hate you. I never could."

QUIBBLES

I'm confused, how did Gabrielle's Turquoise Tent dry out between the dungeon and the throne room? Did Ming T'ien have a 5 minute dry cleaning service?

KIBBLES & BITS

• Callisto's theme music played during some of evil Xena's scenes.
• Xena kills Ming Tzu in front of Ming T'ien (damn that's cold!)
• The closing, close up shot of Ming T'ien.
• Even after Xena betrays Lao Ma and goes back to being bad, Lao Ma somehow knows she can call on Xena for a favor years later. Did they keep in touch? Was Lao Ma aware of Xena's metamorphosis?

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Gabrielle pimp slapping Xena
• Xena sentenced to death
• Xena turning on Lao Ma; Lao Ma chi-flinging Xena
• Xena returning to her dark side and Borias
• Lao Ma's execution

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Xena eating and teasing hungry tyke Ming T'ien with a piece of food...psych! Ming T'ien's pleading expression is priceless.
• Xena entombing Ming T'ien; especially, her parting cluck of the tongue and wink of the eye.
• The vase breaking/casting pearls of wisdom scene. Xena glaring at the vase, thinking REAAAAL hard--willing the vase to shatter--and getting nowhere. I can imagine her muttering, "Break gawddammit. Break or I'll smash you to bits!" Throughout, Lao Ma , mentor extraordinaire, is the epitome of fierce and feminine, wicked and wise.
• Little Ming T'ien's double take when he realizes Xena is serving dinner.
• Gabrielle's 'Can this marriage be saved?' mea culpa in the dungeon.
• Xena's kaleidoscope of emotions/expressions during Ming T'ien's taunting matricide confession.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

G: "I love you."
X: "Love you too, Gabrielle."

Ever wish for something and when you finally get it, it isn't what you expect? Our grrls finally say the words, but in a way and context that still has me tweaked:  Gabrielle seeks reassurance and Xena responds in a half-hearted and 'paint by numbers' manner. Can you say `keep away from open flame--powderkeg of emotional pyrotechnics' waiting to happen?

XENA'S SKILLS

• Gambler (c'mon lucky seven!)
• Gabrielle's Punching Bag
• Hostess with the Mostess
• Acupuncturist (needed only one treatment to 'cure' Ming T'ien's ailment)
• Philosopher
• Bad Role Model
• Brick layer (ok, so they were stones)
• Buoy
• Judge, Jury, and Executioner
• Interior Decorator/Home Wrecker
• End table

DISCLAIMER

Xena and Gabrielle's relationship suffered another blow (although Gabrielle doesn't know it yet) during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME...TEASE ME...NEXT WEEK'S EP

Camels...Evil Joxer! Mummies...Clueless Joxer...Sand...Xena...Pyramids? Autolycus...Assassination! Cleopatra...More Sand...Gabrielle? Walk like an Egyptian!

Laura a.k.a. LaLa (the answer to the Peanut Gallery Challenge is "Silence of the Lambs")