This town ain't big enough for the both of us!

::peeling myself off the floor and wiping my sweaty brow::

Eeeek! The Deliverer! After seeing this ep, which is quite intense and serious, I thought, "How the heck am I gonna mine any humor out of it?"  Well, it was tough; it's a fine line between silliness and sacrilege.  I needed a little levity, wherever I could get it, after this ep.  _Please_ keep in mind that my tongue is planted firmly in cheek--whose? I'm not saying ;)

Let me preface this ep review with a comment:  No matter how the TPTB chose to portray 'Gabrielle impregnated by a God,' I found the idea sickening. Bad enough   Gabrielle  lost her blood innocence, but impregnated too--in the same ep? My heart can't take it. I wish the TPTB had chosen another way to develop her character and create the rift.  Cie la vie, what's done is done.

BEVY OF BADASS BABES

The newest inductee into the ever-growing gallery: the Buxom, Brawny, Brainy, and Bodacious Boadicea.

To paraphrase Gabrielle, "What a Woman!" 

The huge, wild mane of curly red hair, the intricate and hypnotizing breast armor, her grand entrance--barreling down the beach in her bitchen' Camaro, er, chariot! Not a bad chariot to beach dismount either, I give it an 8.5.

RUMBLE IN DA GAUL

Now this is fight I would love to see: Xena and Boadicea toe to toe, wild hair to wild hair, biting comment to biting comment, breast armor to breast armor, and glare to glare. Such chemistry, animosity, and unresolved "issues!" Let the fur and leather fly!

TIT FOR TAT

Comeuppance for Xena: Boadicea sez, in effect, "You betrayed me, sooo I'll neglect to mention Gabrielle is missing--how's that grab ya?"  Hmmm, just what seeds of treachery did Xena sow in order to reap this bitter little harvest? Sure, Xena betrayed Boadicea--who didn't Xena betray in the past? But Xena betrayed a woman, and we all know how women can react when toyed with...

BETRAYAL 101

Time for wild speculation--which button of Boadicea's did Xena push? In order to steal Boadicea's army, Xena *somehow* earned her trust; their relationship went beyond the occasional arm wrestling match, braiding each other's hair, or sharing sword polishing tips. Xena's usual modus operandi was: screw 'em and then screw 'em over. I say there's more to their history than meets the eye. What did Xena do?

• Talked trash about Boadicea's momma
• Talked trash about Boadicea's man
• Seduced Boadicea's man
• Borrowed Boadicea's cape and didn't return it
• Said, "Boadicea, my breast armor is swirlier than yours."
• Said, "Boadicea, you dress like a wagon driver, not a warrior."
• Took Boadicea's chariot for a joy ride and returned it with a dent
• Sweet talked and seduced Boadicea in order to get her army (and a few other freebies, e.g. hot meals, armor polish, free cable) and then dumped her

ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES A LADY

Xena's reasons for fighting:

• Reason one: punch! kick!
• Reason two: draw sword
• Reason three: cut sword off Bounty hunter's belt
• Reason four: "I don't often get to reason four, but when I do, it gets real messy!"

YOU WALK LIKE AN ANGEL, TALK LIKE AN ANGEL, BUT I GOT WISE, YOU'RE THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE

Crastar, Craftsman, Craft Macaroni and cheese--what was his name anyway?

I prefer Hey Goatboy, Insecto-man, Fu Manchu, Mr. Pointy, or Antennae Head (better reception? The better to pick up and broadcast those bad vibes?) Whatever the name, he ain't nothin' but a no good, double dealing, two faced, backstabbing, yellow bellied, twig headed, lying sack of other worldly protoplasm. Thank the gods Xena flambe'd his sorry butt.

And don't get me started on Dahak. A perverted, pinheaded pagan god if there ever was one.

WHERE'S WALDO?

Repeat after me, "Donde esta Caesar?"

Which way did he go?

Yoohoo! Caeeeeesarrrrrr, come out and pla-ay."

Now you see him now you don't; did David Copperfield sneak onto the set? Poof! Nifty disappearing act. I really wanted to know how the battle ended and what happened to Caesar and Boadicea. Grrr! Someone put out an A.P.B. for Caesar, Julius Caesar (pssst! Juls! George Michael and George Cloony want their hair back).

PAVLOV'S WARRIOR

Xena can be sooo easy, no, no, not that kind of easy (then again, maybe we should ask Gabrielle ;) ). Just the mention of Caesar, Julius Caesar and the Warrior Princess flies into a growling, dagger eyes, fist clenching, foaming at the mouth fury. If Gabrielle ever wants cheap entertainment around the campfire at night, she *could* name drop.

IF A TREE FALLS IN THE FOREST

Xena and Gabrielle's philosophical exchange--now we know the origin of the eternal query "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"  Gabrielle.   

G: "What is a mountain, but just a bunch of boulders, right? And what is a rock, but a large grain of sand. And what is a large grain of sand--see my theory?"
X: "Noooo."
G: "That doesn't bother you at all, does it?
X: "What use is this information to us, huh?"
G: "I haven't the slightest idea, but hey, it gave us something to talk about since the last town, right?"
X: "A town...towns which are made up of houses, which, after all, are large huts, which are made out of wood--"
G: "Stop"
X: "which are made out of trees, which are bigger than huts, sooo (snaps fingers 'shucky darn!') there goes that theory!"
G: "You can be so frustrating sometimes."

THEY'RE CRAZY AND THEY'RE KOOKY

Mt. Olympus' version of the Adams family: Ares as the leather enhanced Gomez (still has that erratic hair growth passing itself off as a beard) and Discord as the Marilyn Manson-esque Wednesday (has the shellac'd Elvira 'do happening).

HOW NOT TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

Ares: "Still miffed about the insanity thing, huh? Oh, get over it. Even the Furies have forgotten about it by now. No real damage done."
Xena: "You wanted me to kill my mother."

DANGEROUS BREASTS ARE A *GOOD* THING

Xena once again pulls a rabbit, er, dagger out of her cleavage (maybe that's where they keep all the stuff we never see on Argo...)

Mottos: Breast Dagger, don't leave home without it --or-- Breast Daggers are a girl's best friend.

COME ON BABY LIGHT MY FIRE

Immaculate conception by towering inferno--sounds sooo very National Enquirer-ish. Well, momma said playing with fire will get you burned, but she left out the part mentioning pregnancy. From now on, birth control should include flame retardant underwear...Achtung! Approach your Weber grill with caution, it is a fertility device as well...

KIBBLES AND BITS

• The explosion destroying the temple is suspiciously familiar to last weeks pyrotechnics in Dirty Half Baked Dozen...
• So that's how Stonehenge came about... ;)
• The writer's are really getting their money's worth out of that boat!
• Nice homage to Orff's Carmina Burana during the temple sacrifice scene. I kept expecting Gary Oldman (as Dracula) to float into the scene, "Ooops, pleez forgif me, I tink I am on ze wrong set. By ze way, Gabrielle, you haf a lofly neck..."
• My eyes were glued to those fab abs--by the gods, I've never seen Gabrielle's belly look that good. I want to start a Church of the Immaculate Fab Abs of Gab...
• For once, Gabrielle is not puking her guts out on the boat...
• Gabrielle at knife point *again*

BOY TOY OF THE MONTH CLUB

Egads! What is it with Gabrielle's recurring throes of Hetero Haze? Now she's attracted to Khrafstar, David's (Giant Killer) bad seed, sappy, simpy, low wattage bulb, Mr. OneGod doppelganger. He set-up and played Gabrielle for the gullible and good-natured sucker she is wont to be.  Xena really needs to talk with Gabrielle about the type of man she befriends.  If Gabrielle is feeling 'neglected' by a certain Warrior Princess and needs some 'attention,' I'm sure Salmoneous can procure a Hitachi Magic Wand for her.

XENA'S SKILLS

• Dog piling
• Morse Code (ship to shore reflect-the-sun-off-the-sword trick)
• Temple Toppler
• Name calling (taunting the goatboy)
• Spear splitter
• Shrubbery Impersonation
• Banner/Standards Shredder (watch and weep Caesar, Julius Caesar)

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"Dividing a woman's sensibilities from her emotions. Yeah, I know his philosophy."

"I'm going after Caesar. He's *mine*"

"You bastard! What have you done to her?!"

"All I've seen is a lame attempt at a religion and some fancy fireworks."

"You half-witted toady to a third rate god, come and get me!"

Xena to Boadicea: "Trust me."

Roman: "Caesar will rest laurels on my head."
Xena: "Hah! If you have one."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

Gabrielle to Xena: "Timing. We've got to work on timing."

Roman Guard: "Sit."
Gabrielle: "Sit on this!"

Caesar: "So, you're a friend of Xena."
Gabrielle: "She hardly knows me. She probably doesn't even know I'm gone. I mean, she hardly even knows when I'm around--come to think of it, she doesn't even know my name."

Xena: "Boadicea."
Gabrielle: "You know her? Of course you know her. You're like a who's who of warriors."

Khrafstar: "I paid these three to escort me safely to Northern Gaul."
Gabrielle: "You might consider a refund."

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Gabrielle on the cross
• Gabrielle's loss of blood innocence
• Gabrielle chased, captured, and slow roasted by fire

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Xena's open mouth snake hissing expression as she's routing Roman Rump on the beach
• Caesar throwing his spear at Xena, Xena throwing her chakram and splitting the spear
• Xena's 'Take this banner and shove it' look directed at Caesar
• Xena knocking down and holding Boadicea at sword point during the
• "Where's Gabrielle?" confrontation
• Xena rescuing Gabrielle from crucifixion

I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE, I SEE GABBY'S UNDERPANTS

White ones at that. This Victoria's Not-So-Secret moment brought to you during the temple rescue/showdown. Watch as Gabrielle is thrown from the altar and then dragged back by a tendril of fire. Now I know why Renee wants to Velcro the costume to her body.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

• Xena halts Gabrielle by lightly backhanding her above the left breast;
• Gabrielle remarks, "Hey, why do you do that?" and proceeds to pluck at her BGSB
• Down in the ship's hold, Xena walks in on Khrafstar and Gabrielle, was that a look of jealousy I detected?
• Soooo, Xena told Gabrielle about Caesar's betrayal. I would have loved to have been a bump on a log during that campfire confession.
• Temple comfort scene: powerful, tender, and wrenching.
• Comfort scene amongst the Temple ruins: even more wrenching, desperately tender, and foreboding.

DISCLAIMER

Gabrielle was slightly well done during the production of this motion picture. However, the producers would like to recommend a zesty barbecue sauce to bring out the full flavor of the episode.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Be sure to watch Hercules 'Stranger in a Strange Land.' This is a Xena cross-over and we'll see Xena (in a parallel universe) as we've never seen her before. Xena has Chita Rivera/Kiss of the SpiderWoman hair. And on Xena, we'll see Gabrielle plays a surrogate mother to demon spawn.

Laura a.k.a. LaLa