Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirate's life for me!

Rum, sodomy, and the lash! Wait, wrong pirate ship. Destiny is much more than a fill-in-the-blank backstory dressed in Captain Hook clothing. Who would've guessed Xena terrorized the high seas long before moving on to landlubbers? This ep provides the 'why'; it's apparent the raid of Amphipolis and Lyceus' death were but the opening act to the main attraction of Xena's transformation into The Destroyer of Nations. So, batten the hatches, raise the plank, and hoist the main sail.  Ahoy matey, let's ride the waves!

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Pirates of the Mediterranean
• Hijacked on the High Seas
• The Not-So-Jolly Xena
• The Winter of My Discontent

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

James Brown's "The Payback" as sung by Julius Caesar:

"You ransomed me for a chunk of change,
Seduced me--ya had it all arranged,
You messed with Rome and that's a fact,
Now you're mine--ya better get ready for the big payback."

Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours" as sung by Xena:

"Ooo baby here I am,
Duped,
captured,
crucified,
I'm yours."

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Xena's pirate threads: the billowing slit thigh harem pants, the beads'n'bangles headdress, and the gold coin chain mail .
• The sizzling, 'doesn't leave much to the imagination' little red dress from Stagira.
• Gabrielle's 'Nanook of the North' parka.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

Xena's crucifixion jumper--the Romanized version of the potato sack.

MEMORIES, LIKE THE SHADOWS OF MY MIND

G: "So this is Cirrah. It's beautiful."
X: "To me, it's the ugliest place on Earth."
G: "I don't think you should keep punishing yourself for what happened."
X: "I didn't come here to punish myself. I want to understand why."
G: "Why what?"
X: "Why it happened. Why I was who I was and how I can ever atone."
G: "You've changed Xena, like this valley. Once it was a place full of death and violence, but now it's full of beauty and life. The same kind of change has happened to you."
X: "I wish I could see it that way."

Xena takes a trip down memory lane in the hopes of discovering an answer. Who knows why the Evil Xena did what she did? Why did she torch Cirrah--because she was in a bad mood? Because her army needed a bonfire to toast marshmallows? Just because? I doubt Xena really knows why herself.

IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S XENA!

Watch out for the tree! That swinging battering ram of a log launches Xena on an E ticket ride into the forest. Tree hugging--literally. Bug meets windshield. Ouch! It's a wonder Gabrielle didn't have to use a spatula to pry Xena off the tree bark.

10 WINTERS AGO

The younger Xena is a conniving, clever, and cruel bully using strong arm tactics to protect Amphipolis. Somehow, in her pirate mode, she's not quite as mean as her Hercules trilogy Warrior Princess persona.  She's somewhere between Blackbeard and Captain Crunch. We don't see Xena dice and slice any opponents until the assassination attempt at Nicklio's cabin. It's as if, prior to Caesar's betrayal, Xena didn't kill unless necessary. Now, however...

HOW NATURE SAYS DO NOT TOUCH

M'Lila, the Gaelic whirling dervish of destruction, swabbing the ship's deck with pirate heiney, shimmying up masts, leaping and knifing through sails, and applying pressure point pinches with abandon. A spitfire slave with at-ti-tude. She may not speak the language, but she gets her point across, one way or another. Xena spares M'Lila's life, for a price...

X: "Show me that thing you do. No, not on my leg, show me on my neck."
M'Lila gives Xena a very 'hands on' neck pinch lesson, a lesson Xena won't soon forget...
X: "You've got some sense of humor."

Xena doesn't think much of M'Lila's 'demonstration'. When it's time to reciprocate, Xena let's M'Lila stew for a while, checking her nose for more blood and giving the slave a saucy smirk...

X: "You see? I can play too."

Somehow, this catty tit for tat leads to Xena and M'Lila bonding--macho types, go figure.

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

In the quiet moments, when she's not pillaging and plundering, Xena writes:

Captain's Log, somewhere on the Aegean Sea:

Wish I knew the slave girl's name. Caesar said he wouldn't tell me unless I gave him half the ransom. What a comedian! So, I put the pinch on him. Cleared up that misconception real quick. I've never met anyone who talked so much--destiny this and destiny that. What a load of Centaur poop! More times than I care to mention, I've had to tell him to stuff a sandal in it. I wonder if he's been in the sun too long? Anyway, communication is tough. The slave girl and I have tried charades, drawing pictures, sock puppets, and interpretive dance to no success. I've taken to calling her Curly. She continues to teach me various tricks to numb or incapacitate body parts. Half of my face is still numb from our lesson this afternoon. Hades, I'm drooling--just smeared the ink. It will wear off...eventually...I hope.

QUIBBLES

• Not enough M'Lila, another interesting character killed off prematurely.   I wanted more interaction between Xena and little Miss M, such as, more pressure point lessons.
• I hate two part stories! Three little words that get my knickers in a knot, 'To be continued...' Agh! Cruel and unusual punishment. Why not keelhaul me while you're at it?

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Xena's disbelieving look when Gabrielle says she's a different person from the one who attacked Cirrah.
• Gabrielle's incredible journey to Mt. Nestos despite a leg wound, no directions, and snow.
• Homage to Bond, James Bond.
• M'Lila's double dagger throw freeing Xena from the cross.
• Tiny Bubbles...no, not Don Ho, the tiny bubbles (showing scenes from Xena's past) floating behind Xena as she chats with M'Lila.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Xena's log ride
• The Moon Worshiper stabbing Gabrielle's leg
• Caesar betraying Xena
• Xena getting her legs broken
• Nicklio resetting Xena's broken legs
• Xena giving up and dying
• Gabrielle crying over Xena's dead body

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

X: "M'Lila."
M: "Hello Xena."
X: "You should've left me to die back there on that beach."
M: "You have a destiny, Xena, but you have to choose it."
X: "I did choose it, I chose evil."
M: "Now that you know evil, were evil, you can fight evil."

Xena, newly deceased (but not quite dead) chats with M'Lila, who is giving her a pep talk to no avail. Finally, M'Lila urges Xena to shut her mouth and open her ears.

M: "When the living thing of the dead you can hear their thoughts. Listen."
G: "Xena, I know you can hear me, wherever you are. I know you always told me to be strong, but I can't be, not now. You can't leave me, I know it's not your time I can feel it in my heart. I feel this emptiness that I've never felt before and it scares me. Xena, above all, just remember your destiny, remember it and fight, fight to come back. This world needs you, I need you."
X: "I have to go back."

SCORCHY SEXY NOT-SO-SUBTEXT

What is Xena's reason for returning to the land of the living?   Gabrielle.

Yeah, yeah, fighting evil is a good reason too, but who could resist Gabrielle's earnest, heartfelt plea of "I need you"?  Makes me feel all warm and tingly. Interesting to note the scenes chosen for the "come back little Sheba" montage:

•  Death in Chains: Gabrielle hugs Xena as they watch Talus follow Death into the underworld.
•  Greater Good: Gabrielle challenges Talmadeus as he commands his men to draw and quarter Xena's body.
•  Return of Callisto: Gabrielle and Xena watching Perdicus' funeral pyre.
•  Greater Good: Gabrielle kissing a 'dead' Xena goodbye.
•  Return of Callisto: Xena kissing and hugging the newlywed Gabrielle goodbye.
•  Callisto: Gabrielle wiping Xena's tears during the campfire scene.
•  Giant Killer: Gabrielle holding Xena's hand.
•  Is There a Doctor in the House: Xena, teary eyed, scooping Gabrielle up in an embrace the moment she comes back to life.
•  Greater Good: Xena squeezing Gabrielle on the shoulder after telling the story of her pony, Timpani.
•  Return of Callisto: Xena putting her arm around Gabrielle's shoulders as they watch the sunset.

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Xena riding into the ruins of Cirrah, having a flashback, freaking out, and riding away.
• The panning shot from the tiger's head rug, up Xena's legs and body, to the predatory look on her face.
• Xena seducing Caesar.
• The ocean montage set to the beautiful sailing song.
• The 'crucifix cam' as Xena goes from horizontal to vertical.
• Xena spitting on Caesar (good aim!)
• All the fight scenes, especially, Xena's 'my legs may be broken, but that won't stop me from kicking your sorry Roman butt' rampage.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• Who is the little girl, the one with the pendant like M'Lila's?
• Did Xena get the design for her breast armor from the markings on M'Lila's shirt?

CAESAR SAYS

"I generally don't eat food touched by a pig."

"You have a woman's touch."

"A brave man dies only once, a man like you dies a thousand times."

"Each event in our life is part of a great plan. There are no accidents, only destiny."

JC: "Where did you steal that dress?"
X: "Stagira."
JC: "Maybe someday you can go back for the rest of it."

"Greatness isn't just about possessing power. If it was, any thug with an army would be entitled to that label. Greatness is about achieving what seems impossible to other men."

"Divide and conquer. You divide a woman's emotions from her sensibilities and you have her."

"Break her legs."

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

Moon Worshiper: "Hail goddess. We are your servants. Tell us our future."
Xena: "I got nothin' but bad news for ya."

"Those who don't heed my warning will pay a terrible price."

"Nicklio, don't, please let me go."

"What do you think you're doing?!"

X: "M'Lila huh? Ask her why she saved me."
N: "She says it's not your time to die."
X: "If not now, then when?"

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

N: "Her pulse is fading. She's gone."
G: "She can't be gone--no!"
N: "Let her pass over."
G: "Please, please wake up, wake up! Do something. Do something!"

I GOT YOU, BABE

My gawd, when Xena seduces, she doesn't mess around. She was a cat on the prowl, stalking, crawling, purring, oozing come hither 'what Xena wants Xena gets' you're on the menu tonight energy. Yikes! Who could withstand this kind of sexually charged barrage? Very scary, very sexy scene.

JC: "I bet you know a lot about conquest."
X : "Yes. I love it. Pursuing the enemy. Breaking down his defenses. Cutting off his only path of retreat. And then closing for the kill."
JC: "Some men are harder than others."
X: "Oh, I count on it."

ME BONNIE, YOU CLYDE

X: "Why don't you and I work together."
JC: "What do you mean?"
X: "This life I'm living is beginning to bore me. I'd love to join forces with you."
JC: "So, you want to help me conquer the world?"
X: "Why not? We'd make an unstoppable team."
JC: "Indeed."

A potentially devastating combination, but one ultimately doomed for failure. Somehow, I don't think Caesar is big on compromise and Xena doesn't take direction well from others. The partnership might paint a  pretty picture in the mind's eye, but the reality would be a contentious tug o' war. There can be only one leader and both want to lead.

TOLD YOU SO

X: "I was just wondering if we'll see one another again?"
JC: "A moment won't pass when I'm not thinking about you. Now go. I'll find you, I promise."

Find her he does. Xena drops anchor and waits for Caesar's ship. M'Lila voices her misgivings, which Xena ignores,

"It's all right. He's my friend."

Perhaps my definition of 'friend' is incorrect; do 'friends' capture and ransom one another? I'm sure quite a few of Xena's male 'friends' found her domination a turn-on and fell under her spell, forgiving and forgetting any rough treatment. Not the megalomaniac Caesar, a man who doesn't take kindly to captivity. After boarding Xena's ship under the pretense of a reunion, Caesar proceeds to betray and enslave her.

X: "We were going to conquer the world. What happened to those plans for us?"
JC: "Us? There never was any 'us' Xena. Only Rome and I am Rome. Still, don't think that what we had was meaningless. I'll always remember it and you'll have a special place of honor among my conquered."

Xena, silly girl, did you suddenly have an attack of Malibu Barbie Syndrome? You know, the doe eyes, the naiveté, the blind trust, the gullibility? In the end, your 'Ken' turned out to be his evil twin, Skipper.

WELL, I GUESS THAT ANSWERS THAT QUESTION

N: "M'Lila wants to know if you feel anger towards Caesar."

Before Xena can answer, the door to Nicklio's house bursts open and Roman soldiers rush in, intent on assassinating Xena. During the fray, M'Lila leaps in the path of an arrow meant for Xena; as M'Lila dies in her arms, Xena watches in horror. In an instant, Xena's expression transforms from disbelieving grief to wild fury. She proceeds to kick Roman soldier butt, despite broken legs. Xena barbecues, skewers, slits throats with orgasmic abandon, whips her hair and lashes onto the last soldier. After putting the pinch on the poor sod, Xena, finally, answers M'Lila's query: "You'll be dead in 30 seconds, but know this, you won't be the last. Tell Hades to prepare himself. A new Xena is born tonight with a new purpose in life...death."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Moon Goddess Impersonator
• Pirate
• Extortionist
• Seductress
• One Woman Death Squad
• Lawn Ornament (ok, she was on the beach, close enough)

HAIKU! BLESS YOU

10 winters ago
I was a very bad girl
Ah, my salad days

Looks are deceiving
Piss me off and you're fish food
This ain't the Love Boat

Workin' on my tan
You picked a lovely view, Juls
For my crucifixion

DISCLAIMER

Julius Caesar was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, the Producers deny any responsibility for any unfortunate acts of betrayal causing some discomfort.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Say it ain't so! Xena in limbo, neither dead nor alive! Can it be? Autolycus possessed by Xena's spirit? Did I just see? Gabrielle swinging on ropes and chucking the chakra

LaLa