Paddycake, paddycake, bakerman,  bake me a cake as fast as you can.

*melodramatic sigh* DHD is not my favorite ep. Sure, we got to see some of the miscreant pals of Xena's mean chick past, but I won't re-watch this ep over and over like BTDT or the popularity challenged Furies.  Here are my comments and some redeeming scenes and dialogue.  So, sit back and feel the burn!

FIVE ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

(gold star for tweaking the title of the original western)

1.  Xena: Den Mother to the Recalcitrant Kids

2.  The Not So Little Rascals

3.  Xena's Bake Sale: 1/2 off day old; sorry Gab, I couldn't afford a Baker's Dozen

4.  Camp Capers!

Gabrielle: "Hey! How come I have to do all the chores while y'all just sit around pointing your weapons at one nother?"
*a lift of the chin and a knowing glint in her eye*
"Just you wait until Xena gets back to camp. She'll kick your a**."

5.  Xena's Road trip from Hell

Xena: "Glaphyra, how many time do I have to tell you to behave! Stop teasing and tormenting, Darnelle. I don't care who did what to whom-- if I hear any more whining, I'll stop and give both of you something to cry about."

NAME THAT TUNE

In the spirit of spaghetti westerns, this ep's soundtrack had harmonicas! In ancient Greece!? Is nothing sacred? What next? The Grand Ol' Pre-Mycenaean Opry? High Noon Heehaw?

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Xena and Gabrielle in capes. The sapphic, er, dynamic duo!
• "Rotten roadapples Xena! Not only are they cutthroats, but they're hygiene impaired as well!"
• Gab's new BGSB: a third less fabric than the regular sportsbra, but all the bilious green of the original--with festive, decorative beads!
• Ares' new leather vest. Has a certain Mariachi feel to it with the applique. Shows off those `ceps nicely.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

Ares as Norelco's Beard Trimmer Poster Boy

The beard, if you could call it that, crept up form his jaw to mid cheek. Was this planned or accidental patchy hair growth? Couldn't locate a mirror on Mt. Olympus? Got tipsy and decided to shave? Having a mid-immortality crisis? As Vidalis would say, "Bold statement!" 

Remember those ads on TV for the Garden Weasel, the spikey contraption for hand rototilling your garden? Agathon's Hesphestus armor *is* Garden Weasel apparel. Just think, not only can his soldiers go into battle, but they can rototill the fields too. Stop, drop, roll, roll, roll, sow, and reap!

THESE "FRIENDS" OF MINE

• Darnelle: Mercer (The Price) returns as "the" red-blooded, god's gift to male chauvinism. His philosophy: Women=Bad
• Glaphyra: Tough Grrl, equally talented at throwing knives and sucking thumbs. Her philosophy: Men=Bad
• Walsim: Mr. Dreadlock lookin' for the Ziggy Marley concert and a Philly blunt.
• Malik: Mr. Leather scrap remnants head, "I couldn't afford a toupee."

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"It was me, I changed them."

"Gabrielle is a good teacher."

"The bad people are us Glaphyra. Who I was, who you are."

"Malik, wakey, wakey!"

"Very well, if that's the way you feel, you can go--I'll come after you later."

Xena: "It's about time you showed up."
Ares: "What is it about me? You always seem to know when I'm around. I must have a certain...presence around you."
Xena: "You say presence, I say stench."
Ares: "Oooo, ow! Score one (ding!) for the Warrior Princess!"

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

"Rise and shine! (pause) I guess I'm really a morning person."

"Xena, he's dead!" referring to Malik's sleep standing

"Murderers guarding murderers, not a good idea."

"Murderers guarding murderers, that was a good idea."

Gabrielle: "I don't think I've ever been a part of a true disaster before."
Xena: "You are such a cynic."

Malik: "Bad, very bad. Anyone trying to break in would be slaughtered."
Gabrielle: "This is happy news."

Gabrielle: "You started off with four and redeemed two. All things considered, not bad odds."
Xena: "Ain't that something."

Gabrielle to Xena: "Am I really who I am or am I what you made me?"

GABRIELLE JUST DON'T GET NO RESPECT

Malik to Xena: "What! Become like you and roam the countryside helping people, dragging `round with me some *half-starved* kid, pretending she's a *friend*--I don't think so."

Walsim to Gabrielle: "I know why I'm here. I know why they're here, but what are *you* here for?"
Gab looks at him with that Rodney Dangerfield exasperation.
Darnelle to Gabrielle: "I could think of *one* reason to have her around."
Gab looks at him with confusion and then dawning comprehension, oh, *that* reason.

Glaphyra to Xena: "Why do we need these men? Just the 2 of us, we can do this. Oh, and your *friend* if you really think we need her."

GABRIELLE WANTS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, BUT...

Convincing cutthroats to set up camp is hard work, much like a kiddie camp counselor for a bunch of delinquents.

Gabrielle: "Ok, listen up. Walsim, Malik,  get the yarn and sticks for making gods eyes, Darnelle, get the leather strips for braiding key chains, and Glaphyra,  get the calamine lotion because I think I sat on poison ivy."

When they don't listen, enlist the help of a certain leather clad bully grrl. Then sit back and watch with satisfaction as they do as Xena says.

Gabrielle in a sing song voice, "Xena made you do it, Xena is my girlfriend, she will kick your ass if you're mean to me!" *sticks out tongue for good measure and finishes with a 'neener neener grin'*

THE WALTONS

No, not quite. I don't think anyone would mistake this bunch for a wholesome pioneer family. For some strange reason, I kept waiting for Gabrielle to shout, "G'night Johnboy!" I can imagine the conversation as the outlaws hold one another at weapon point, while Xena and Gabrielle try to sleep:

Glaphyra: "Why don't you just shove that spear of yours up--"
Darnelle: "Hey now, why is such a pretty mouth saying such ugly things?"
Glaphyra: "Why, I oughta put some manacles and a leash on you and--"
Darnelle: "Sweetness, not in front of the child."
Gabrielle: "I'm not a child!"
Xena: "Gabriiielle."
Walsim: "Xena, why is she here?"
Xena: "Go to sleep."
Malik: "I agree, shut yer mouth, I'm tired."
Walsim: "Go impale yourself on an ax."
Malik: "Huh?"
Walsim: "Nevermind, that comes later."
Xena: "Everyone shuts up now or I put the pinch on the lot of you."
*Silence*
Walsim: "Why you gettin mad at me? I didn't start it, Glaphyra--"
Glaphyra: "Don't you dare blame it on me, you can all kiss my--"
Darnelle: "Promises, promises."
Xena: "Enough!"

GAB KICKS ASS: WHERE DID THAT AGGRESSION COME FROM?

Darnelle: "Hey, that's not how a Princess fights."
Gabrielle: "*Amazon* Princess!"

What brought on her whupass attitude?

• Darnelle made fun of the furry white thing on her staff
• Nutbread withdrawal
• Joxer tried to 'guard her rear'
• Someone mentioned the 'P' word
• Woke up on the wrong side of the bedroll
• Slept on a rock
• Discovered her yang
• Xena used her scroll *again*

Whatever the cause, Gabrielle does a nice 'Lizzy Borden with a staff' impersonation; she was whack, whack, whacking away throughout the ep.   I think she may have kicked more butt than Xena (sacrilege!). Her theme song "Gabby come here quick and bring me that lickin' stick" ( apologies to James Brown).

Other fine examples of Gabrielle expressing excess hostility:

• Joyfully lobbing Molotov cocktails into the castle
• Jail breaking criminals. Gab's life of crime, she's Bonnie to Xena's Clyde!
• lest we forget the "Caged Heat Cat Fight in Cell Block G"  meeeeeoooow!

...How a catfight begins...

Glaphyra:" I thought Darnelle would be different, I should've known."
Gabrielle: "Different? From all the other cutthroats, thieves, and murderers?"
Glaphyra: "No, *little girl* Check the arrangements--do you see any men in this cell?"
Gabrielle: "I'm not a *little girl*"
Glaphyra gives her a `reaaaally now, little miss muffet' stare
Gabrielle: "I have met some good men. I married one."

...How a catfight ends...

Glaphyra: "Yeah? And how long was he good? I notice he's not here with you now. Maybe he lost interest or maybe he decided to find another conquest."
Gabrielle loses her cool and shoves Glaphyra up against the bars of the cell, elbow at her throat.

LET'S GET PHILOSOPHICAL, PHILOSOPHICAL

G: "I wonder what would've happened if I'd met you before..before, you know."
X: "Gabrielle, I could never see you as being evil. There's a difference between them and you."

Gabrielle ponders: do I have free will and self-determination or does Xena make me do it? Am I a sweet, gentle soul who occasionally beats up meanies, "Oops, so sorry, hope I didn't break anything." or a spiteful, wicked bone breaking babe, "Aw, did that hurt? Good!" Nature or Nurture? Genetics or Environment? Regular or Decaf?

X: "I've got the answer to your question 'are you who you are or are you who I made you?'"
G: "And?"
X: "You're Gabrielle, bard, Amazon Princess, best friend (ya left out lover!).   Nobody made you who you are, it was already there.  Question is, what would I be without you?"
G: "Hmmm. I can answer that, you'd still be heroic, Xena. You were on that path when we met."
X: "Are you crazy? Without you to keep me on the straight and narrow.."
G: "You would've managed."
X: "Hey!"
G: "Just not as well."

QUIBBLES

• Xena's sword is no more, now what?
• If Hesphestus' metal is the strongest of all, what is Xena's chakram make of?
• When the castle blows up, one scene shows Gabrielle, Glaphyra, and Xena running from the fireball. Where is 'Hop Along' Darnelle?

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Firebreathing!
• Xena and Gabrielle playing another "Guess who I am" game
• The rooster crow returneth! BTDT redeux
• The 'poor baby' look Xena gives Darnelle after she 'chokes' him in order to escape the cell
• Xena's wild eyed 'you are getting on my nerves right quick' look after trying, unsuccessfully, to convince the ruffinas to put down their weapons and go to sleep
• Xena's expression when she senses Ares

RUN ALONG BOY, I AIN'T GOT TIME TO PLAY

Agathon, the supposed bad boy antagonist. He's nothin' but an obsequious, brown nosing, whelp--all yip and no bite, punkass-Kurt Cobain cast off grunge-surfer-dude wuss warrior poseur who is unworthy of licking the dirt off Xena's boots. Twit. He looks like a high school welding project gone wrong  in Hesphastus' armor. His big 'warrior moves,' count 'em:

1. two sword thrusts
2. two boomerang throws.

Ooooo fierce warrior. Xena's equal? Blasphemy! Not even furking close. Speaking of his cheapo Playdoh not even cool like a chakram boomerang--thank the gods it found a home embedded in his forehead.

However, he did make these salient observations:

"Xena! The former number one Ares femme!"

Agathon to Ares: "You've got a hot spot for the killer babe and when push comes to shove, you follow your *lower instincts*--know what I mean?"

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Xena breaks her sword
• Agathon kidnaps Xena's chakram

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMM

Glaphyra to Gab: "Look after Xena."
Gabrielle: "I will."
Xena and Gabrielle glance at one another, sharing a private, smirky smile that seems to say, "Glaphyra, if you only knew how well Gabielle 'looks' after me."

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• The fight in the foundary:
• Xena wielding 2 swords: double the pleasure, double the body count
• Lots of slo-mo shots of Xena's head turning, hair whipping, and sneering
• Dueling banjos, er, I mean dueling flying killing things. The high noon twitchy trigger finger, gonna make you blink first showdown at the Omega Kappa corral

A BEVY OF BADASS BABES

Welcome to the Xenaverse's riot grrl gallery, a collection of fetching fatal femmes. To qualify, you must kick butt, possess attitude and aggression in abundance. The first inductee, the baddest babe of all, the gal who ran roughshod over the known world--Xena! The second inductee--Callisto! Followed by M'Lila, Velasca, and the newest addition, Glaphyra. Gabrielle gets an honorable mention.

FROM THE LIPS OF A BADASS BABE

Glaphyra punches a prisoner and declares, "I'm no lady!"

Did someone mention slavery?

Xena: "Glaphyra ended up a slaver, selling men to traders from the south."
Gabrielle: "Just men?"
Glaphyra: "I specialize."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Trapeze Artist (I'm ready for the Big Top Mr. Barnum)
• Jailbreaker
• Psychologist/Head Games Artiste
• Ares stench detector
• Coat Check Grrl `(hanging up' Malik on his ax)
• Corrupter of Youth
• Party Crasher
• Demolition Grrl

XENA: WARRIOR MATCHMAKER "LET'S MEET AND HAVE A BABY"

Darnelle "Women=Bad" and Glaphyra "Men=Bad" are the Ralph and Alice Cramden of ancient Greece as well as walking advertisements for the book "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus."

BEST KNUCKLE DRAGGING NEANDERTHAL PICK UP LINE

Darnelle to Glaphyra: "How'd you like those apples, sweet cheeks?"

BEST RETORT TO SAID KNUCKLE DRAGGING NEANDERTHAL PICK UP LINE

Glaphyra takes a pouty lipped nibble of apple, licks and sucks Darnelle's thumb as if she's trying to ascertain "how many licks to the center of a Tootsie pop," and then shoves the apple in Darnelle's face. Glaphyra: "Men are *so* easy."

MY NEW MANTRA

Courtesy of Darnelle: "Cuz I'm a red blooded, 2 fisted, we rule the world whether you like it or not MAN!" Pssst, Darnelle. About the spear, is that a representation of your bloated ego or gross overcompensation for a physical shortcoming?

DISCLAIMER

No cut throats were harmed during the production of this motion picture. Can't we all just get along?

MY PROMO FOR NEXT WEEK

Voice-over: "Caesar, Julius Caesar returns."

((the theme music from Jaws))

Voice-over: "Their eyes met across the battlefield."

JC: "You kidnapped me and held me for ransom."
X: "You toyed with my emotions."

Voice-over: "Two enemies meet again with unfinished business."

JC: "I crucified you."
X: "You broke my legs and dressed me in a potato sack."

Voice-over: "What happens when fire meets fire?"

JC: "You killed my personal snail and oyster boys!"
X: "M'lila!"

Voice-over: "Only one will survive this deadly confrontation."

JC: "You just won't die!"
X: "Hell hath no fury Caesar, Cupid, whoever the hell you are. Now pucker up and kiss my warrior butt, you're going to Tartarus!"

LaLa