I am pretty, oh so pretty, I am pretty, and witty, and gay!

Fins, Femmes, and Gems is rude, crude, and denuded--I love it. The ep is chock full of double entendre, innuendo, and lowbrow sexual humor; how did it ever get past the censors? I giggled and guffawed and had a gay ol' time. This ep is shored up with the flimsiest of plots, which is justification enough for Xena channeling Meg and the abject worship of Gabrielle's body. Oh yeah, and Joxer is in the ep grunting and eating bugs. In the midst of the fisticuffs and fishing, Aphrodite puts a spell on Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer (rendering them obsessed with a singular activity) in the hope of distracting them from retrieving a stolen diamond.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Fish Heads, Fish Heads, Roly Poly Fish Heads
• Bait and Switch
• Moby Solaris
• Beauty and the Beast
• Mirror, Mirror
• Wet and Wild
• Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom
• SuperFly
• Planet of the Apes
• Call of the Wild
• The Pesky Posse: The Princess, The Prima Donna, and The Putz

THE PLOT IN 40 WORDS OR LESS

G: "How could Aphrodite steal the North Star?"
X: "She stole the mystic diamond from the temple of the heavens. Unless we get its powers before nightfall, the North Star will go out and the world will be in some serious turmoil."

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

"I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred as sung by Gabrielle:

"I'm too sexy for Xena, too sexy for Xena,
She's so jealous of me,
I'm too sexy for my skirt, too sexy for my skirt,
So sexy it hurts,
And I'm too sexy for Greece, too sexy for Greece,
and all the known world,
And I'm too sexy for your lake,
Too sexy for your parchment,
No way I'm fishing today,
I'm a goddess, you know what I mean,
And I do my little twirl on the lake dock,
Yeah, on the lake dock, it's my catwalk,
I twirl and fall into the water,
Too sexy."

"I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls becomes "I Kiss Myself" as sung by Gabrielle:

"I don't want anybody else,
When I think about me,
I kiss myself,
Why would I want anyone else?
It's me, all me, oh yeah."

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Maecenus' shiny silver 'arrows' necklace; recycled from evil Xena's Debt I costume.
• Gabrielle's She Monkey (or Stevie Nicks?) leafy, gone native toga.
• Call it cleavage, call it décolletage--I loved every cheap titillating moment of it.
• The scarab beetle adorning Joxer's crown o' leaves.
• The wet look on Xena and Gabrielle; whereas most people would look like drowned rats, these two grrls look simply luscious and lustrous.
• Gabrielle alluring and fabulously femmie attitude--work it Mz. Thang!

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Gabrielle's poofy 'bouffant cryin' to get out' hairdo.
• I can't decide which is the worst fashion faux pas: Joxer's blinding, pasty white naked body or Joxer sporting the frilly lil' bubblegum pink nightie.
• Gabrielle, I hate to break it to you, but those boots do not work with that skirt.

GRODY TO THE MAX

Aphrodite enters her temple with seashell headphones on, rocking out to Pre-Mycenaean house music. She stops boogying and takes stock of the latest goddess offerings.

A: "Need it, got it, hate it, can always hawk it…grody! Why do these mortal types always give me fish? I hate fish!"

STARLIGHT, STARBRIGHT

Aphrodite's attention is drawn to Maecenus and his thugboys entering her temple. Maecenus, hired by Aphrodite to steal the mystic diamond, hands over the merchandise to the goddess of love.

A: "Oooo, too bad I can't keep it."
M: "What? then why did I just-"
A: "Duh! It's a star from the night sky, I gotta show this off. This little baby is destined to become the center of my constellation."

SHAFT!

Aphrodite orders Maecenus to deliver the mystic diamond to her Priest in Parnassus--he will shoot it into the sky.

M: "I'll put it up there for you right now, oh most beautiful of goddesses. Tie your gem on my arrow, so my shaft can bring you satisfaction."
A: *giggle* "I do believe your sweaty smelly leader is flirting with the goddess of love." *breaks tip off his arrow* "You don't have the thrust. Besides, my guy in Parnassus has better equipment and he knows the right time to shoot. It's got something to do with some astrological stuff that gives me a headache."

SCENT OF A FETISH

Maecenus, with broken arrow and deflated ego, resigns himself to delivering the diamond to Parnassus, but he voices concern about 'a small problem'.

A: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, Xena and her pesky posse are right behind ya. Don't sweat it, I got you covered." *a bottle materializes in her hand* "I call it Obsession. One whiff and whatever you're thinking about at that minute turns into an overwhelming obsession. Cool huh?"

I PUT A SPELL ON YOU: THOU SHALL ACT LIKE A MONKEY

Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer burst into Aphrodite's temple-no Maecenus and no mystic diamond in sight. They are unaware of Aphrodite's invisible presence. As Xena searches the temple for the clues, Joxer and Gabrielle look at a mural.

J: "What's this?"
G: "That's the story of Attus the Ape Man and the Princess Gaia. It's a beautiful love story."

Gabrielle walks away, leaving Joxer to contemplate all things Attus; Aphrodite approaches and blows him a whiff of Obsession.

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, LIKED IT

Gabrielle scans the temple murals and stops to look at A Kama Sutra-esque bas-relief; she voices skepticism to Xena about the seemingly impossible physical contortions.

G: "That doesn't look humanly possible."
X: "Sure it is."

Gabrielle is momentarily shocked, then she turns a fresh, appraising eye upon the 'let's play twister' erotic art.

I PUT A SPELL ON YOU: THOU SHALL LOVE THYSELF

Gabrielle can't help but comment on Aphrodite's choices for temple decor.

G: "They say that the paintings of women in Aphrodite's temple represent her many faces, right? Well, based on this, I'd have to say she's pretty full of herself."
A: "Oh really?" *blows a whiff of obsession in Gabrielle's direction*
G: "Pretty." *strokes her mirrored reflection*

I PUT A SPELL ON YOU: THOU SHALL LOVE FISH

Xena chats with Gabrielle as she picks over Aphrodite's temple offerings; the plate of fish draw her attention.

X: "Who knows what stupid thing Aphrodite would want him (Priest of Parnassus) to do."
A: "Nice! Double dose for you warrior babe."
X: *picks up a fish* "Walleye."
A: "Big mistake--you're never getting that smell off your hands now."

*blows a whiff of Obsession at Xena*

XENA'S LITTLE HELPER

Xena jerryrigs her flying parchment and enlists Gabrielle as an assistant; she directs Gabrielle to grab the hook dangling from the airborne parchment. Gabrielle repeatedly jumps in the air and misses; she begins to lose interest, until Xena tries a new method of persuasion.

X: "Oh, excuse me, I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable."
G: "Uncomfortable? Me? What are you talking about?"
X: "Well, you know, about your little problem…your height."
G: "You want me to catch your silly little clip do you? Fine. I'll show you height." *she jumps and catches the hook* "Now what?" *lowers arm holding the hook and the parchment crashes upon her* "Ow!"

SPELLBOUND

Gabrielle comments on Joxer's sudden change in demeanor. Xena ventures the theory that he must be under a spell--that might explain why he's obsessed with the Attus the Ape Man story.

X: "You know, you've got the obsession thing too."
G: "Excuse me?"
X: "Oh, yeah."
G: "What am I obsessed with?"
X: "You. Your opinion of yourself is flying higher than my parchment."
G: "Xena, that's ridiculous! My opinion of myself hasn't changed one iota since--" *Xena unsheathes her sword and holds it up for Gabrielle to gaze upon* "Oh. Oh yeah, looking good."

SING, SING A SONG

G: "You know, Xena, I've been thinking of rewriting this scroll."
X: "Whatever."
G: "It just doesn't have a point of view. You know, it needs more verve, more character, more of…me! It doesn't sing to me like this--actually, that a great idea! A scroll should be sung, not told."

"Well listen to m' story 'bout Gabrielle,
Cute little gal that's looking really swell,
Perfect hair, such a lovely lass,
Nice round breasts and a firm young--" *Xena clamps her hand over Gabrielle's mouth*
X: "Are you out of your mind?!"
G: "Too loud? Are you worried we're going to get there and the fish will all be gone?"
X: "I'm worried we'll get there and the fish will be armed."

SAME SONG, DIFFERENT VERSE

The muse spoke and I listened. I couldn't resist adding a couple more verses to The Potedaian Hillbillies Theme.

"Xena is jealous cuz I'm so fab,
She keeps staring at my shapely abs,
Xena wants to touch, but I say no,
Hey, I'm not some cheap tavern--"
Attus wants me as his jungle bride,
But I ain't int'rested in that ride,
Sorry, Monkey Man you're out of luck,
Why don't you take a flying--"

SPLISH SPLASH

Xena is momentarily distracted from her quest for the mystic diamond. She makes a detour and leads Joxer and Gabrielle to a nearby lake; when they reach the lake, Xena breaks into a run, disrobing as she makes a beeline for the water.

X: "This is gonna be the best thing of your young lives! Come on, Gabrielle, let's get wet!" *dives into the lake* "Come on, Gabrielle, get your gear off."
G: *begins to disrobe while Joxer leers* "You'd like that, wouldn't you? No, I'm sorry, Joxer, if I took off my clothes, I could kill you. Beauty can do that…did I just say that? Is Xena right? Have I gone too far? Am I obsessed with myself?" *pauses, then laughs* "No! What's not to like, right?" *turns and slaps an ogling Joxer*

X: "Oh Gabrielle, come here, I want to show you something."
G: "Well, you'll just have to show me from here. This little minx is staying on dry land."

UNHAND MY FLEECE

Xena is looking for the perfect lure. Under the pretense of a touchy feely hug, she draws her dagger and cuts off a lock of Gabrielle's hair.

G: "Ow! You cut my hair."
X: "Uh huh."
G: "My little golden fleece."
X: "It's perfect."
G: "Of course it's perfect. It's my hair."
X: "And the color is gonna work just beautifully with this."
G: "A bent nail? You cut my hair to put a wig on a bent nail?"
X: "It is not a bent nail, it's a hook."

Gabrielle continues to protest and swipes the lock of hair from Xena's fingers. Xena tries a different approach to procure the fleece; she sits next to Gabrielle and pouts. Gabrielle tries to ignore Xena, but caves in and surrenders the lock of hair with disgust.

NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED

Maecenus and his thugboys encounter Xena's rockslide.

M: "This wasn't here before."
Thug: "There must've been an avalanche."
M: "Your talents are wasted as a thug. You should've been an astronomer."
Thug: "I don't know anything about rocks."

ALL DRESSED UP AND NOWHERE TO GO OR CONSPIRACY THEORY OR FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS

Gabrielle falls into the lake while helping Xena with the jerryrigged flying parchment. Wet, irritated, and angry, Miss 'all that and a bag o' chips' gives Xena an earful.

G: "It's beginning to make sense…fishing…Solaris…right. Now I understand."
X: "Understand what?"
G: "You're jealous. Of me."
X: "That's ridiculous."
G: "All this time, Xena, I've tried to let it go. You know, it hasn't been easy. I've tried to be humble with you, but you've pushed me too far."
X: "Look-" *Gabrielle places two fingers on her lips to shush her*
G: "No. Don't. I haven't seen this diamond. Yes, you say that it's stolen and I took your word for it, but you bring me here where no one can appreciate my radiance. No one! No competition for you. Nooo. And Solaris the fish? Please."

Xena tries unsuccessfully to placate Gabrielle, who becomes increasingly put out and snippy. With a melodramatic sigh, Gabrielle asks the universe:

"Isn't there anyone here who can appreciate my specialness?"

I'M EVERY WOMAN

Gabrielle, kidnapped by Attus the Ape Man, uses the ploy of snacking on ants to forestall the 'furious zug zug'; she hears Xena calling for her in the distance.

G: "She's come for me, I knew she would. She can't live without me for a minute-not that I blame her."

THE BODY SNATCHER

Xena and Gabby swinging through the trees, k-i-s-s--oh pardon my wishful thinking. Xena rescues Gabrielle from the clutches of Ape Man and Gabrielle voices her gratitude.

G: "You saved me, Xena. The world will thank you for saving such an unrivaled beauty. Your name will be legendary--like Gabrielle the Great, Gabrielle of Troy, Our Lady Gabrielle, Gabrielle of the Nile-wait there's more-Gabrielle of Olympia, Gabrielle and the Four Seasons."

HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER

Xena (who would rather fish than fight) uses her powers of persuasion and Gabrielle's inflated sense of self to do her bidding. She tells Gabrielle that Aphrodite considers herself the most beautiful woman and the most deserving of the mystic diamond. Gabrielle, worked into a jealous froth, takes offense and goes on the offensive.

G: "Let's go Xena."
X: "Where?" *gives her an innocent look*
G: "To get the diamond. If it's perfect, then I should possess it."
X: " Oh, I'm sorry Gabrielle, I feel a bite coming on. But Maecenus should be passing by this lake soon. Maybe you could-" *watches with satisfaction as Gabrielle storms off to retrieve the diamond*

DAMSEL IN DISTRESS

Gabrielle ambushes Maecenus and his thugs, opens a can of whupass, and steals the mystic diamond. They chase and corner her at the rockslide.

G: "Hold it boys. Do you think I'm not used to men chasing me? Same old story."
<snip-o-rama>
M: "You're trapped. Give us the diamond and we'll make sure your loved ones can identify the body."
G: "This body?"
M: "Uh huh."
G: "Are you insane? Have you no understanding of absolute inviolate cuddliness?"
M: "Guess not."
G: "Xena! Xena!"

DIAMONDS ARE A GRRLS BEST FRIEND

While Xena holds the mystic diamond in her hand, Gabrielle demands she hand it over; suddenly, Xena gets an idea.

G: "So, what are you doing?"
X: "I'm sending the North Star back to the heavens before nightfall."
<snip-o-rama>
G: "But it's mine!"

Xena convinces Gabrielle that more people will be able to enjoy the mystic diamond if it's in the sky it's perfection and beauty will be a reminder to all of Gabrielle's beauty as well. Xena fashions a catapult for the diamond, but stops short of shooting it into the sky.

G: "What are you waiting for?"
X: "You'll see."

Gabrielle realizes Xena plans to use the mystic diamond as bait to catch Solaris. Before she can protest further, Solaris leaps from the water, swallows the mystic diamond, Xena cuts the rope on the catapult, and Solaris flies into the sky.

X: "I dedicate this fish to Lyceus."

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD

Xena's dedication brings on one heck of a migraine and breaks Aphrodite's spell.

X: "Gabrielle, I just realized what was driving my obsession. It's not fishing, it's all the unresolved business between me and my brother. I felt like I still owed him something. The minute I acknowledged it, I was out from under the spell."

Gabrielle is deaf to Xena's breakthrough and continues to stare at her reflection in the lake. Xena uses her newfound knowledge to counsel Gabrielle.

X: "Gabrielle, there's something that's bothering you that you need to get in touch with."
G: "You're right. These boots don't work with this skirt."
X: "No Gabrielle, think. There's something about yourself that you're not satisfied with."
G: "Other than the fact that no one gives me credit for anything and everyone thinks I'm a silly sidekick?"

Her admission brings on a headache and breaks Aphrodite's spell.

ONE FISH, TWO FISH, RED FISH, BLUE FISH

Spare the rod, catch the fish…no, no, nevermind, tangent. A fishing pole is too conventional a method for Xena, Warrior Fly Fisher. In the past, she's caught many an unsuspecting trout with her bare hands. Now she's added a little slap and tickle, or rather, tickle and whammo to her fishing repertoire.

X: "All you have to do is stick your hand underneath the water and you feel around until you find a great, big, succulent fish and then you do this-you wiggle your fingers so it looks like bait and whammo!" *punches fist into palm*
G: "You punch it in the face?"
X: *nods*
G: "Why would I want to do that?"
X: "Because it's fun."
G: "Right…ramming my fist down the throat of an innocent little fish. It's not my idea of fun."
X: "Well, don't knock it until you've tried it."

BASS MASTER

The most elaborate fishing method, however, is the double line, aerial assault, jerryrigged 'won't know what hit 'em until they hit the frying pan' parchment.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• This ep was sponsored in part by De Beers diamonds…coincidence or crass marketing tie-in?
• Is Gabrielle the missing Clampett?
• Why does Ted Raimi shave his underarms?
• Why is Joxer in this ep? Because he can double as a prop in a pinch? Nepotism? A token male/heterosexual decoy to get subtext-o-rific innuendo past the censors?
• So, Joxer is a cross dresser…why am I not surprised?
• What was Gabrielle planning on doing with that pink, frilly Victoria's Secret nightie?
• What happened to the thugs after Xena beat them up? Did she catapult them into next week?
• What else does Gabrielle carry in her scroll case besides scrolls, a pink nightie, and a hairbrush?
• Why did Gabrielle spend half the ep on her back? Not that I mind, it's a good look for her ;)
• So, Xena thinks Gabrielle is beautiful when angry; does this mean Xena purposefully goads Gabrielle into a snit for thrills?
• Why did Xena wait to remove the spell from Joxer?
• During the fade out at the end of the ep, what does Gabrielle reach for? Xena? Nutbread? Mirror?

QUIBBLES

• Gee, the avalanche in this ep looks awfully familiar…Necessary Evil anyone?
• Either Xena is channeling Meg or Xena and Meg are much more than look alikes-twins separated at birth? I've never seen Xena act so Meggy.
• Anthills? In ancient Greece?
• The magic swinging vine of convenience-whenever and wherever Joxer needed it *poof* it was there. Spooky.
• The National Geographic wildlife inserts.
• I love when Gabrielle talks her way out of trouble; in the 3rd season I haven't seen Gabrielle exercise her powers of verbal persuasion often enough.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Aphrodite's 'she shimmies with seashells down by the seashore' headphones.
• The triple X sign in Aphrodite's temple-kinky.
• Forget Calvin Klein, Aphrodite invented Obsession.
• Once again, Xena uses a flying parchment to solve a problem and once again, Gabrielle becomes a casualty of it.
• Xena answers the eternal, pesky fan question of "Where's Argo?" She's roaming free--an equine vacation.
• Xena's 'she shoots, she scores! basketball jones nuthin' but burlap swish a fish' throw.
• The accordion 'language of love gondolier' background music-playing while Gabrielle describes kissing herself.
• Gabrielle's "Yodelayhehoo!" 'Swiss Miss Instant Cocoa' yodel.
• Renee O'Connor mimics monkey sounds reeeaaally well-almost too well. Jane Goodall would be so proud.
• Maecenus explaining the sandal joke to the other thug, who just doesn't get it.
• Xena fighting with one hand, while the other hand holds onto her fishing 'reel'.

DARWIN WAS RIGHT

I now have definitive proof that human beings descended from apes…Joxer is the missing link.

DORK, DORK, DORK OF THE JUNGLE

Watch out for that tree! Once again, Joxer is unnecessary window dressing and, as in Forget Me Not, he engages in creepy behavior. On the surface, the whole story of Attus the Ape Man kidnapping the Princess Gaia is romantic and cute-if the Princess is a willing 'captive'. Gabrielle is not a willing captive/Princess Gaia. Joxer's piggish behavior and blind ear to Gabrielle's protests pissed me off. Hmmm, does this misogynist cliché sound familiar? Caveman drags protesting and unwilling cavewoman away by hair to have non-consensual sex; cavewoman is transformed for the better by the experience (e.g. her feelings of revulsion are replaced by love) because, secretly, it's what she wanted all along. Bottom line: creepy, creepy, creepy!

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

Joxer regaining his speech faculties--I prefer the grunting.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

Jump back, kiss myself! Gabrielle sits on the lake's dock, staring at her reflection. She leans down to kiss herself and falls into the water. Xena swims to her rescue and carries Gabrielle's limp body ashore; just as Xena begins mouth to mouth resuscitation, Gabrielle comes to.

G: "Not the lips, please, they chap so easily."
X: "Just what were you doing out there?"
G: "I was…oh! I was trying to kiss my reflection in the water. I couldn't resist it. I leaned over and I tried to press my lips-"
X: "And you fell in. Any fish down there?"
G: "It was like my reflection embraced me. I sank into it, I was surrounded by it. Then you pulled me up and I looked into your eyes and I finally realized there can only be one person for me in my life-me!"
X: *hopeful expression turns crestfallen, she gets up and stomps away*
G: "Hey, I let you save me."

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

Xena and Gabrielle lie on their bedroll, stargazing at the new 'fish' shaped constellation.

G: "It's a good thing you figured out all that insight stuff, Xena. Who knows how long we'd be under that spell."
X: "I couldn't have done it without you. The only reason I do any good at all in this world is because I do it with you. You make an important contribution every day. I'm gonna make sure that people know that from now on."
G: "You don't have to do that, but it's nice to be reminded that you feel that way."
Xena and Gabrielle share a moment of comfortable silence.
G: "I think you still need to do something about Joxer."
X: "Tomorrow."

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Gabrielle shooting Joxer a 'why am I telling you this/don't you get any ideas' look after relating the story of Attus and Gaia.
• Gabrielle and Xena debating the 'do-ability' of the erotic art in Aphrodite's temple.
• Xena's 'drowned bard Baywatch' water rescue: dragging Gabrielle ashore, keeping abreast of her condition, and attempting CPR.
• The Joxer/Gabrielle conversation from both points of view; the enchanted Gabrielle and the She Monkey Gabrielle.
• Xena's flashback scene-the younger Xena's face morphing into the here and now.
• Gabrielle's spit n' sputter, 'can't wipe it off my lips fast enough' realization that the Pre-Mycenaean lip gloss is comprised of crushed bugs-not berries.
• Xena whistling her theme song.
• Xena and Gabrielle stargazing--all comfy cozy, shoulder to shoulder on their bedroll.

THINGS I NEVER EVER THOUGHT I'D SEE XENA DO

• Pout

TAKE IT ANY WAY YOU LIKE IT

Naughty or nice? Good grrl or bad grrl? Above board or below the belt? You decide…

• "I'm coming Gabrielle."
• "Let's get wet, Gabrielle."
• "You gonna give it to me?"
• "I can't believe I'm beginning to chafe."
• "I don't want to break a nail."
• "Because I do it with you."
• "Not the lips, they chap so easily."

HOW DO I LOVE ME? LET ME COUNT THE WAYS

Throughout the ep, Gabrielle is primping and preening her lil' minxy self in a variety of ways:

• Twirling her hair
• Checking her fingernails
• Sniffing her hair
• Gazing at her reflection (Xena's sword and the lake)
• Brushing her hair
• Caressing her face
• Rubbing a pumice stone on her elbows
• Fluffing her hair

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"That's the good news. I haven't been affected by the spell, so I can still take care of business-so let's fish."

"Gotcha, gotcha now I'm gonna eat ya."

X to J: "Now you listen to me, Monkey Man, you ever do that again and you'll find my fist down your throat!"

"Gabrielle, higher please…for crying out loud."

"Fish just don't catch themselves!"

X: "What are you doing?"
G: "Highlighting perfection with some berry juice."
X: "Yeah, looks good on you. Only they're not berries, they're crushed bugs I was using for bait."

"You go Gabrielle."

X to G: "You're beautiful when you're angry."

M: "Leave the diamond little girl, don't make me kill you."
X: "You're new around here, right?"

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

"That is so disgusting (Joxer eating bugs). Xena, he's been acting very strange. I don't think we should be seen in public with him."

"I'm getting calluses, perfect calluses."

"It's flawless!"

X: "This is the ultimate fantasy."
G: "I am the ultimate fantasy."

"She wants me to fist a fish? I can barely say it much less do it."

"Xena, you just don't realize how primitive you really are."

"Oh my, where's my brush?"

"You Mighty Man Monkey, She Monkey need you."

"Xena, I have something really important I need to speak to you about-do these boots work with this skirt?"

"Joxer, swing! El swingo!"

"Sorry, Xena, but I really don't pay that much attention to you. I have much more important things to do with my time."

BUTCH MOMENT OF THE NIGHT

Xena's 'free as the breeze, swinging through the trees' mid-air rescue of Gabrielle from the clutches of Monkey Man.

XENA'S SKILLS

• Parchment Flying
• Fly Fishing
• Manipulation and Persuasion
• Freudian Analysis/Psychotherapy
• Inventing the first ever Fish-a-pult
• Shootin' Hoops
• Barber
• Captain Ahab
• Fashion Consultant

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Lyricist/Singer
• Narcissism
• Tease
• Water Fountain
• Clip Grabbing/Vertical Leaping
• Ant Eater
• Make-up Artist
• Inventing Spanish
• She-Monkey

HAIKU! BLESS YOU

She said let's get wet
So I fell into the lake
I'm so literal

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Instead of one scene, I was 'inspired' to write a hodge podge of assorted vignettes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

G: "Xena, explain this tickle and whammo technique for catching fish."
X: "Well, it's not something you describe, it's something you do."
G: "Ooookay. How about you pretend that I'm a fish?"
X: "Gabrielle."
G: "C'mon, how am I going to learn? How do I know if this really works?"
X: *gives Gabrielle a skeptical 'you asked for it' look; proceeds to demonstrate technique*
G: "That tickles!"
X: "That's the point."
G: "Let me try." *begins tickling Xena*
X: "What are you doing?"
G: *sarcastic* "Take a wild guess."
X: *testy* "Can't you wait until we get to a lake?"
G: "Xena, please, humor me."
X: "Oh, for cryin' out loud."
G: "It's not like we haven't played pretend before, right?"
X: "Yeah, but-"
G: "Then quit complaining and cooperate."
X: *opens her mouth to retort, then thinks better of it; she scowls instead*
G: *begins tickling Xena; tries one spot to no success, tries another, and another, and another, and still no success; heaves a frustrated
sigh* "Hades, this doesn't work on you."
X: "The technique is for fish-"
G: "Xena, I'm well aware of the difference between a fish and a warrior princess."
X: *smug* "And that would be?"
G: "Fish don't talk back."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

G: *irritated* "Not the hair, you'll mess it up--and my lips, no, please, the berry juice will smear--the skirt, Xena, you're wrinkling my
skirt. Hey! The BGSB is off limits too, it is such a pain to retie--"
X: *frustrated* "Gabrielle, what can I touch?"
G: "My staff."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

G: *innocently* "So, can I use this tickle and whammo technique to catch other things than fish?"
X: *smirks* "Why don't you try it and find out."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

G: *nosy* "How do you know?"
X: "I just know."
G: "Did you do it?"
X: *exasperated* "Of course, I did *it*."
G: "Xena, not that *it*. Of course you did *it*. Sometimes I think that's all you did when you weren't terrorizing villagers. I'm asking,
did you do that?" *points to a mural in Aphrodite's temple*
X: *dawning realization* "Ooh. That. Yes. Yes, I did."
G: "With who?"
X: *defensive* "No one you know."
G: "Dead or alive?"
X: "Gabrielle, I admit I have some strange…habits, but necro--"
G: "No, no, no! Is he or she alive today?"
X: *furrows brow* "I think so."
G: "That's real helpful." *glares at Xena*
X: *smiles sweetly at Gabrielle*
G: "Warrior?"
X: *sighs* "No."
G: "Naughty blacksmith?"
X: "No."
G: "Barmaid?"
X: *smirks* "I wish."
G: *ignores that comment* "Who's left?" *pauses to wrack brain for likely candidates* "Traveling salesman?"
X: *concedes* "Close. Traveling circus."
G: *incredulous* "The whole circus?!"
X: "Gabrielle…"
G: "Wait, is this the guy you swung from chandeliers with?"
X: "No, different person." *drifts off into reverie, unaware she's speaking out loud* "She was something else. She could contort into the most interesting posi--"
G: *mentally pounces* "She? What was her name?"
X: *embarrassed she's been caught* "I, um, I don't recall." *looks away*
G: "Like Hades you don't." *grabs Xena's arm to get her attention* "Are you going to stand there and tell me you can recall every detail about this amazing woman, a woman who could obviously tie herself up into knots--and probably you too--" *pokes Xena in the belly* "and yet you can't recall her name?" *throws Xena a pointed, give me a break look*
X: *uncomfortable* "Weeell--"
G: "Uh huh. So you're going to play hard to get, like usual. Let me guess…Stretch?"
X: *quietly* "No."
G: "Gumby?"
X: *nervously* "No. Gabrielle, is it really that important--"
G: *adamant* "Yes, now tell me."
X: *mumbles* "Elastica Fantastica."
G: *pauses in disbelief, not sure she heard correctly, then laughs hysterically until tears stream down her face*
X: *testy* "I'm glad you find this so amusing."
G: "Oh Xena," *wipes tears from her eyes* "you are something else. I'm not sure what that something else is--"
X: "But I'm sure you'll let me know when you find out."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

X: "Gabrielle, what was Joxer wearing?"
G: "My nightie."
X: *disbelieving* "That pink, frilly, frou frou, down to the knees *thing* is your nightie?"
G: "Yes."
X: "How come I've never seen it before?"
G: "I just bought it. I was going to surprise you later." *winks*
X: "Oh, I would've been surprised all right."
G: *narrows her eyes* "What's that comment supposed to mean?"
X: "Nothing. Nothing at all." *takes a sudden interest in the night sky*
G: *offended* "You don't like my nightie?"
X: *diplomatically* "Let's just say, I think it looks much better on Joxer."
G: "I can't believe" *throws hands up in air* "See if I ever surprise you again!"
X: "Oh for Gaia's sake, Gabrielle, I just don't like that nightie in particular."
G: "And just what would you like?"
X: *gazes off into the distance* "Something in leather…"
G: "Of course." *exaggeratedly smacks her forehead*
X: *arches an eyebrow* "Or nothing at all."
G: *sarcastic* "Why is that not a surprise? Xena, you are so unromantic."
X: "I can be romantic--"
G: "Oh please, a centaur can't change into a--"
X: "Gabrielle, I just can't picture you in that…that…thing. I picture you in something like--" *rummages in saddlebag and pulls out a teeny tiny, itty bit o' leather lingerie* "this."
G: "Where's the rest of it?"
X: "This is all of it."
G: *exasperated* "I might as well be naked--oh, wait, that's the point."
X: *evil grin* "Exactly."
G: *rationally* "Xena, I'm going to get awfully cold and what if someone, say Joxer--Zeus forbid, should come into our camp unexpectedly?"
X: "I'd cover you."
G: *chastising* "We're trying to avoid more gossip, Xena."
X: "I won't mind."
G: *glares* "I will."
X: *teasing* "I don't see why you worry. Didn't you tell me earlier today that you could kill someone with your beauty?"
G: *pins Xena with a sharp look* "Does the phrase 'empty bedroll' mean anything to you?"
X: *suddenly serious* "Gabrielle, please, I don't want to argue."
G: "Well, then, in that case, I'll make you a deal."
X: *suspicious* "What kind of deal?"
G: "I don't think you have much room for negotiation,
Miss-swipe-my-diamond, feed-it-to-a-fish-and-fling-it-into-the sky."
X: *resigned* "All right, what do I have to do?"
G: *holds up pink nightie*
X: "I am not wearing that thing!"
G: "Then I'm not wearing this." *dangles the teeny tiny, itty bit o' leather lingerie in front of Xena's face* "Good night."
X: "Wait!" *pauses for an internal debate* "Did you at least wash it?"
G: "Yes." *grins triumphantly*
X: "Fine." *huffily snatches pink nightie from Gabrielle's outstretched hand*

DISCLAIMER

Joxer's dignity was slightly harmed during the production of this motion picture, however, Gabrielle's pink nightie was restored to its original condition.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

It's the all wet episode! Watch Xena and Gabrielle get pruney! Here's a tale of a fateful trip--the S.S. Minnow revisited? Kind of…more like "Titanic," "The Poseidon Adventure," "The Love Boat," and a "Jacque Costeau Underwater Special" all rolled into one.

LaLa