Will the *real* Xena and Gabrielle please stand up?

Forgiven is a thing of evil, assaulting my intellect, my emotions, and my understanding of the characters, Xena and Gabrielle; this ep must be exorcised from my house and my psyche before my head spins 360 degrees and I spew copious amounts of pea soup-esque effluvium. I was going to couch my criticism in polite terms, but I'm so deeply offended by Forgiven, that I'm giving back as good as I got. I did not care one iota for this character assassinating tripe. RJ Stewart's script lost me within the first 10 minutes and never 'found' me for the remainder of the ep.

I had such high hopes; I envisioned, from the previews, a kind of clever and cheeky Pre-Mycenaen Caged Heat, Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby, All About Eve, Single White Sidekick. Instead I got a half baked ABC After School Special. If I want to see a screwed up, emotionally warped, amoral, acting out in anger inappropriately, sociopath, hellion teen 'victim' of a nuclear family 'gone ground zero'--I'll watch Jerry Springer.

I would rather endure my least favorite eps, King of Assassins, The Titans, Giant Killer, For Him the Bell Tolls, *and* Ulysses, back to back than suffer the indignities of Forgiven. I can't recall having such a visceral and violently negative reaction to an ep. I wanted to throw things at the TV--fer chrissakes, I was cursing and shouting back. I could blame it on a el nino, bad sushi, or premature PMS, but truly, the origin of my suffering is the noxious script.

To whit, the 7 Deadly Sins:

1. Inconsistent characterization of Xena, Gabrielle, and their relationship (e.g. One Against An Army or Forgiven--which ep is the true portrayal?)

2. The story idea had such unfulfilled potential. Instead of exploring what would happen if someone really tried to come between Gabrielle and Xena, the script veers off on the 'Save me, I'm an abused child' tangent and has Xena and Gabrielle playing teen intervention social workers/pseudo parents.

3. The extreme and excessive pummeling Gabrielle receives at the hands of Tara the Troll; the barroom brawl is difficult to stomach, it's violent, gratuitous, and barbaric. While Mike Tyson ear biting jokes may be funny to some, I find no amusement in disfigurement. I'm disgusted that assaulting Gabrielle is a viable plot device. Season Three should be renamed 'Take a Number, Beat Up the Bard'.

4. Xena's cold, loutish, and disrespectful behavior towards Gabrielle. Is the Xena of One Against An Army an anomaly? A sucker punch? I cannot reconcile the night vs. day, back to back characterizations.

5. Xena's characteristic protective and retribution instincts concerning Gabrielle are absent. Xena is neutered and manipulated by Tara the Terrible. Xena talks about Gabrielle being her best friend, but she sure doesn't act like it.

6. Gabrielle is made to feel guilty, at Xena's goading, for not liking Tara the Tedious. Gabrielle has every right and plenty of reasons not to trust, forgive, or share the same space with Tara the Toxic. Gabrielle never receives a proper apology from Xena or Tara the Twerp. I hereby nominate Gabrielle as Saint Doormat.

7. Tara the Troublemaker is rude, obnoxious, manipulative, selfish, disrespectful, deceitful, and a physically aggressive bully. She annoys the beejezus out of me. By the time her plight is revealed, I don't have one shred of sympathy for her. Too little too late. She's done and said too many things to garner a second chance. A crappy childhood does not excuse or justify abusive behavior toward others. I want to drop kick her sorry skinny ass somethin' fierce. I despise this character so much, I shall not 'speak' her name again; from now on, she shall be known as le bête noire (the black beast).

MY SUGGESTIONS FOR THIS EP (was ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP)

• Return To Sender
• Next Time, Keep It To Yourself
• Thanks, But No Thanks

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

Inspired by my naughty Xenite friend, Dana.
Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable" becomes "Unforgivable":

"Unforgivable,
This script by RJ,
Unforgivable,
In every way."

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

The gaudy and glittery Urn of Apollo.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• The Apollo acolyte's comb forward hairdo.
• Le bête noire's Boy George rag braids meets Cher's mondo shag hair. A Glamour magazine fashion faux pas, get thee to the 'Fashion Don't' page!
• Gabrielle's mangled and blood caked ear.
• The bloody scratches on Gabrielle's face.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• RJ, who are you and what have you done with Xena and Gabrielle?
• Why is it so hard to portray Xena and Gabrielle consistently?
• Why and how is a silly little show, this ep in particular, able to jerk my chain?
• Xena's odd reaction to walking in on Gabrielle being brained against a table: she doesn't ask or show any concern for Gabrielle's obvious injuries and distress. Anyone else caught beating up the bard would've been pummeled immediately. Why is le bête noire granted ass kicking immunity?
• How is le bête noire, the Flyweight, able to easily incapacitate and beat up Gabrielle when, later in the ep, Gabrielle handily knocks around grown men twice her size? Don't tell me it's all in the 'stick' and without it she's helpless; Gabrielle has effectively defended herself in hand to hand combat before.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

Other than a succinct summation of my opinion about this ep, what was the opening montage all about? It looked like an Enigma music video.

UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS

The fight scene between le bête noire and Gabrielle was painful to watch because of the excessive abuse Gabrielle suffered:

• shoved
• chair broken across her back
• face scratched
• choked
• hair pulled
• head slammed on a table
• ear bitten
• choked
• head butted twice
• kneed in the gut
• kicked in the stomach
• punched in the face
• kicked in the crotch
• part of her ear bitten off
• kicked
• held down and slapped repeatedly
• head brained against a table repeatedly

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

• Xena 'don't touch my horse' entrusts le bête noire with Argo.
• Xena's strategically unsound decision to sleep beside/with her back turned to le bête noire.
• Xena's huggy comfort 'there there' behavior with le bête noire.
• Gabrielle sleeping without her staff; it's on the other side of the campfire--with le bête noire.

INVITATION TO AN ASS KICKING OR TARA, YOU SHOULD BE DEAD BY NOW

It makes no sense. Why is le bête noire spared Xena's ire for the following infractions? Anyone else would be toast if he or she:

• Assaults Gabrielle
• Defies Xena's orders repeatedly
• Follows Xena without permission
• Knowingly interferes and forces Xena to alter her plans
• Interrupts a pinch interrogation
• Endangers Gabrielle's life (lobotomy by ax)
• Keeps the discovery of Apollo's urn a secret
• Absconds with Apollo's urn
• Plays Xena for a sucker

Adding insult to injury, let's pick on the bard some more:

G: "You put my staff in the fire?"
T: "Oh, was that important?"

Xena finds le bête noire and Gabrielle buried up to their necks in the dirt:

X: "This had better be good."
G: "Wonder girl took matters into her own hands again."

I DON'T THINK SO

Le bête noire taking Gabrielle's usual place sleeping next to Xena; and later, sleeping between Xena and Gabrielle. Listen here, missy, go get yer own warrior bedwarmer.

XENA: WARRIOR CLOD

Xena is oblivious to Gabrielle's feelings; instead, she's emotionally retarded, empathy impaired, dismissive, and clueless.

Exhibit A

G: "Are we going to let her stalk us like this?"
X: "That really bothers you, huh?"
G: "Yes."

Exhibit B

G: "Can I talk to you for a minute? Why do we need her? We can follow their tracks like we usually do."
X: "Gabrielle, she is trying to turn her life around."
G: "Xena, listen to me, she bit off part of my ear."
X: "Well, only a little bit and she apologized."
G: "You call that an apology?"

Exhibit C

Le bête noire ignores orders and follows Xena on her reconnaissance mission. They return to camp: le bête noire all cocky, Xena all proud, and Gabrielle put out and confused.

G: "She didn't listen to you. You let her get away with that?"

Exhibit D

T: "What?"
G: "You see, I sleep next to Xena."

Xena enters the camp and (a) doesn't question or rectify the sleeping arrangements (b) is oblivious to Gabrielle's pique; Gabrielle's drumming fingers say it all.

Exhibit E

G: "Xena, can I talk to you for a minute?"
X: "Yeah."
G: "I'm gonna kill her, I'm gonna rip out her throat, I'm gonna eat her eyeballs."
X: "Gabrielle, calm down."
G: "Xena, she almost got us killed. I can't work like this!"

XENA: WARRIOR CHUMP

Le bête noire manipulates Xena's emotions and guilt with consummate skill; here are her 'tried and true guilt trip gems':

1. I want to turn my life around, I can't do it by myself. I ask you for help, but you won't help me.
2. You think I'm a lost cause just like everyone else.
3. You don't trust me.
4. I can't help it. My rotten childhood and abusive dad make me do bad things.

QUIBBLES

• The actor playing Micah couldn't emote his way out of a paper bag.
• The kiss between le bête noire and Micah is nauseating.
• Xena's masochistic refusal to enter the temple and her melodramatic, 'symbolic' exit; le bête noire's 'duh, let me explain it to you' commentary ruined an otherwise potentially powerful moment.
• My predication: le bête noire's redemption will be short-lived. It's only after Micah's refusal to return Apollo's urn that she decides to "be good"; her redemption is externally, not internally motivated.
• The final fight scene rips off Cradle of Hope's 'toss the baby'--that device is more effective with a live rather than inanimate object.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Gabrielle, buried in the dirt, shooting le bête noire a most disgusted 'stupidity knows no limits' look.
• Gabrielle shaking dirt out of her Amazon mini.

SCENES I'D RATHER NOT SEE AGAIN (was SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN)

99.9% of this ep.

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Gabrielle, finally, opens a can of whup ass and teaches le bête noire it's not wise to bait a bard.
• Gabrielle inventing charades. Xena is ill-equipped and easily frustrated by the game--obviously not one of her many skills.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

T: "How do you know what's really good and what's not?"
X: "I usually go with my gut and when I'm in doubt, I ask her (Gabrielle)."

"You are what you do. You can recreate yourself every second of your life."

"You know what is bad? Keeping me awake when I'm tired."

"You want to compare bad deeds? I'll bury you."

X: "We don't know."
T: "C'mon, tell us."
G: "Iphiginea and Aulis."
X: "How are we supposed to know that?"
G: "Well, it's not my fault you don't keep up with contemporary theater."
X: "This will never catch on, it's too hard."

"Hello, handsome."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

G: "Did you throw that?"
T: "Yeah."
G: "What's your problem?"
T: "Your face."
G: "Then don't look at it."

"Look, if you don't like the food, may I suggest you find some other way to express it."

X: "She (le bête noire) reminds me a little bit of me."
G: "I knew you were evil, but obnoxious too?"

X: "I'm trying to encourage her to turn her life around. Isn't that what you'd do?"
G: "What?"
X: "Turning people away from their dark side isn't my specialty."
G: "Xena, I have learned a lot in these last few years and one of the things I've learned is you can't save everyone."

"It's nothing, everything is fine. The world's just a bowl of cherries."

T: "You know, you've got her (Xena) convinced you're the real thing."
G: "What does that mean?"
T: "She thinks you're perfect."
G: "She knows I'm not perfect, she loves me anyway. That's what friendship is about."
T: "I wouldn't know--haven't had a lot of friends in my time."
G: "I wonder why."

T: "Well, congratulations, you got what you wanted."
G: "What's that?"
T: "She hates me now thanks to you."
G: "Thanks to me? Tara, you're not only obnoxious, you're deluded."
T: "I don't know what that means, but you better take it back right now."
G: "Don't push it." *le bête noire pushes Gabrielle to the ground*
T: "What are you gonna do about it? Think I'm scared because you got that stick?" *picks up a good sized tree limb* "Let's go, blondie."
*Gabrielle beats the stuffing out of le bête noire and like a weeble wobble with a death wish, she keeps coming back for more*
G: "Be smart for a change. Stay down!"

XENA'S SKILLS

• Emotionally remote
• Insensitive
• Sucker
• Co-dependent enabler to le bête noire

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Scratching post
• Punching bag
• Chewtoy
• Co-dependent enabler to Xena

REVISIONIST HERSTORY

HOW IT WAS...

G: "Xena, I'll understand just this once if you're so angry you want to pummel her for a while."
X: "I'm not going to do that."

...HOW IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

G: "Xena, I'll understand just this once if you're so angry you want to pummel her for a while."
X: "Sounds like a great idea. I'll rip her arm off and use it to knock her head off her shoulders. You up for some T-ball practice Gabrielle?"

HOW IT WAS...

G: "Why don't you use your chakram?"
X: "To do what?"
G: "Ricochet off a couple rocks, slice off a piece of her ear, and scare her witless."
X: "That won't be necessary."

...HOW IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

G: "Why don't you use your chakram?"
X: "To do what?"
G: "Ricochet off a couple rocks, cut her to shreds, and make her look like a Jackson Pollock painting exploded on her."
X: "Hmmm...I've always wanted to try my hand at abstract art."

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Night time around the campfire. Le bete noire is long gone--thank the gods! Gabrielle places her bedroll on the ground, lays down, and fluffs her furry purse pillow. Xena follows her lead a moment later and places her bedroll next to Gabrielle. Xena lays down and snuggles up to Gabrielle. For a while, they lay together silent and still; then Xena's hand begins to wander:

G: *annoyed* "Xena, what are you doing?"
X: "What does it feel like?"
G: "Like someone is cruising for a bruising."
X: *playful* "Oh, so you want give me a little tough love, hmm? Are you going to hit me with your little stick?"
G: "No, even though you'd probably like that."
X: *teasing* "What are you going to do?"
G: "Nothing. I'm not going to touch you at all."
X: "Ha! Since when? You're like Salmoneous with a dinar: stroking, kissing, cooing--"
G: *exasperated sigh* "How quickly we forget. I'd act it out for you, but charades is not one of your many skills."
*moment of silence*
X: "Gabrielle, what's going on?"
G: "Your piggish behavior for one. Tara the Terror for two."
X: "I screwed up, didn't I?"
G: "Big time."
X: *huffy* "It wasn't me, Gabrielle, it was RJ!"
G: *peeved* "Well, you could've ad-libbed, for Gaea's sake! What are you a lemming or warrior?"
X: "But I--"
G: "Funny how only now you're concerned about our sleeping arrangements."
X: "That was--"
G: "Hmm, perhaps I should give you some time 'to get know yourself', if you catch my meaning."
X: "Gabrielle I..." *the 'meaning' dawns on her* "Gabrielle, sweetness, cupcake, it was the script. Neither of us was acting normally. Since when are you unable defend yourself against a skinny teen pip-squeak?"
G: *grudingly concedes* "Well, you have a point. The script--"
X: "I rest my case." *gives Gabrielle a fierce bear hug and a kiss on the cheek*
G: "Xena?"
X: "Hmmm?"
G: "Throw that script into the fire."
*Xena leans over, grabs the script, and flings it into the flames; she turns to Gabrielle and smirks*
X: "Done. Now get over here and give me some of that tough love."

DISCLAIMER

No street talking, cat fighting, barroom brawling, juvenile delinquents were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Luck be a lady tonight! Xena ventures to the Pre-Mycenaean Las Vegas of Greece to gamble with the big boys. Is Xena tough enough when someone calls her bluff? A little profit and little loss...of life. Place yer bets, blow on the dice, rub a bard for good luck, and roll--c'mon lucky seven!

LaLa
"If some chick tried to kick my ass, I'd be all like...listen missy, why don't you go knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face." -- Cartman (South Park)