They're coming to take me away haha hehe to the funny farm!

The Furies started it all. Yep, my experiment in terror, my first attempt at ep reviews; a 'one off' that somehow mushroomed into a weekly thang.   So, sit back, relax, and subject yourself to my vast, esoteric, and utterly useless wealth of pop culture cocktail knowledge. Overall, I really like this ep; I know some hardcore nutballs may feel The Furies was too slapstick for such serious subject matters (insanity, patricide, matricide, domestic violence, suicide, possible incest--did I leave anything out?), but I would rather the ep err on the side of too much humor than fall into maudlin, scenery chewing angst with a capital A soap opera mode. Madness takes many forms and I enjoyed Xena's unpredictability; one minute she's loopy and the next she's on the warpath. That said, here are a few of my favorite things (neither kittens in mittens or Julie Andrews, twirling in circles on a grassy mountain top, were harmed in this review)...

ALTERNATE EP TITLES

• Xena: Warrior Stooge
• Pre-Mycenaean Ministry of Silly Walks
• The Child Ain't Right
• One Who Flew and Cuckadoodledoo'd (apologies to Ken Kessey)
• Sibyl: the prequel

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

Prince's "Let's Go Crazy":

"Xena goes crazy, Xena gets nuts,
Will she won't she kill her mamma,
Or just run 'round naked kickin' butt?
Ares' all excited, Xena don't know why,
Maybe it's 'cuz, Her mamma's gotta die."

Screamin' Jay Hawkins' "I Put a Spell on You," Ares sings:

"I put a spell on you, Because you're mine, Ain't nothin' you can do,
Didja know? Got The Furies in on it too,
Yeah! I can't stand that goody two shoes bard,
Gettin' you back in my fold is so damn hard,
I put a spell on you, Because you're mine!"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• The Furies' costumes--strategically placed strips of fabric. What Stevie Nicks' evil, trampy twin might wear.
• Alecto the Fury's wind tunnel, Cadillac fin hairdo--how many cans of Aqua Net? Flock of Seagulls anyone?
• Xena's frizzy, fly away 'do (1/3 less rat nesty than her Debt hair); the disheveled look works so well for her.

ALL IN THE FAMILY

It's a family affair! No, no, not Buffy, Jody, Mr. French, or even Miss Beasley, I'm talkin' about Ares, Mr. Virility. He may or may not be Xena's father, but if he is, it would certainly explain some eerie similarities. They both:

•     Love heavy metal
•     Enjoy a good fight/conquest
•     Look good in leather
•     Have great hair
•     Like 'dark'
•     Perform gravity defying acrobatics
•     Are control freaks
•     Love/hate a certain irritating blonde
•     Are drawn to bright, shiny, sharp objects

SHOWGIRLS

"I'm ready for my gratuitous cleavage close up, Mr. DeMille."

Get your madness for nuthin' and your lap dancin' for free.  Presenting, The Furies--those gyrating and gesticulating gals!  When they aren't busy doing Siskel and Ebert impressions, the grrls shake their moneymakers. Another day, another lap dancing practice, Alecto puts Tisiphone and Megaera through the moves:

"For the last time, Megaera, bump then grind! You're doing it bassackwards! ::exasperated sigh:: Are you trying to drive me crazy?  For the umpteenth time, repeat after me: bump, then grind; sit, then spin; left foot in, left foot out, then shake it all about; stop, drop, then roll; sashay, then enchante; work it, then go girl; fluff, then fold; lather, rinse, then repeat. Argh! Let's take it from the top, *again*"

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW

Here are some questions Xena wished she had asked the bounty hunter, Rufinus:

•     What are this week's lucky lotto numbers?
•     How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
•     Which is it? Tastes great or less filling?
•     What is the air speed of a swallow laden with coconuts?
•     What is Gabrielle's hair color--blond, strawberry blond, or red?
•     What is the sound of one hand clapping?
•     Boxers or briefs?
•     What is a Scooby snack?

NATTERING NABOB OF NEGATIVISM

Insanity and persecution do absolutely nothing for Xena's outlook:

"Madness is a rotten way to go through life."

Where oh where have those happy thoughts gone? Xena sure ain't no 'shiny happy people', she's downright cynical:

"To the gods we are nothing but dirty little beetles and they'll kill us for their sport."
(so, that explains my recurring dream of being chased by big boots while a chorus of Orkin guys chant "Stomp! Squish!")

Think that's a downer? Wait 'til you hear the meaning of life, according to Xena (move over Nietzsche):

"Life is a joke. A barroom joke at that. And you know what the punch line is? The punch line is that no matter what we do, we still end up as food for the worms."
(Geez! Reminds me of what someone once said: "Life is riding a speeding snowmobile across the frozen tundra. Suddenly, it flips over and pins you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." Oh, wait, that's the meaning of love. Nevermind.)

MOM, I DON'T FEEL FRESH

Xena and Cyrene are hard pressed to discuss such mundane, run of the mill mother/daughter topics such as hair, dating, 'being a woman', and careers. 'Mom, tell me about when I was little' childhood memories are a rather touchy subject:

Instead of "Xena was 7. Her father came home from the Faire dressed in women's clothing. He told me to tell Xena he was her Auntie Atriella."
Cyrene says, "Xena was 7. Her father came home from the Temple of Ares drunk and angry. He told me Xena had to die."

Don't bother asking 'How did you meet daddy?' because it inevitably leads to 'Where did daddy go?' followed by 'What happened to daddy?':
Instead of "I took a hairbrush and...I disciplined him." Cyrene says, "I took an ax and...I stopped him."

SAVE US, MAVIS!

Xena says, "Gabrielle couldn't save a cat in a sack without me. She's a worthless little pissant really."  Tsk, tsk Princess.  Gabrielle is more than a pissant. She's a bard, an Amazon Princess, and a pissant--a darn helpful pissant at that. How so? Gabrielle locates and persuades the naked, ranting, torch wielding Xena to leave the villagers alone, she figures out the Furies are responsible for persecuting Xena, and when Xena says, "Gabrielle, tell 'em! Do the bard thing." she bolsters Xena's argument. Gabrielle also "shares Xena's vision," cooks a decent meal, scrubs Xena's back, and puts up with a certain taciturn dark mean chick. Better be careful, big moody warrior, or Gabrielle might whack you on the nose again.

GAMES WITH GABBY

In addition to 'Let's Make a Deal', 'Pull my Finger', and 'Human Shield', Xena and Gabrielle enjoy playing:

•     Sniff the Warrior Sweat
•     Spit Shine the Priest's Bald Head
•     Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down
•     Torment the Villagers--naked
•     Hide and Seek--nekkid
•     Pin the Prozac on the Princess
•     Close Shave or Gabrielle Tell: can Xena throw her Chakram and split the apple instead of Gabrielle's head?

ONE TRACK MIND

Xena certainly is preoccupied with sex, perhaps she should take Joxer's advice and find a nice, cold lake.

• Asks Rufinus, "When did you lose your virginity?"
• Looks at the scantily clad Furies and quips, "You ladies certainly dress the part." (the part of what? trampy deities?)
• Confronts Mom about her conception, "Tell me, when you and daddy were rolling around like a pair of crazed weasels, was it good?"
• Tells mom to look at Ares, "That hunk of burnin' love you had."
• Remarks as Ares falls face first into Cyrene's cleavage, "Hey, c'mon you two, you're not gonna get it on again are you?"

DA BIRDS, DA BEES

Xena does her best Dr. Ruth impression as she spells out the basics of procreation and paternity:

"Here's my theory. Ares and Mom do their thing. She gets ripe with me and then shortly after that, her husband comes home from war and thinks his manhood did the trick. Well, I pop out and he thinks he's my father."

Kinda makes you wonder how Xena would approach other subjects, say, pregnancy and childbirth:

"Here's the deal. You do the deed. You wonder where your monthly 'friend' went and why one minute you're puking your guts out and the next you're craving all sorts of strange foods. Aha! Bun in the oven.  Months pass. Then, one day when you least expect it, your water breaks and the contractions from hell begin. All the while, you're cursing the gods and the bum who knocked you up, vowing never again. You scream, you push, push, push, scream some more, and the kid pops out."

GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD

"I leave you to entertain the gods, I'm retiring from the stage."

Is Xena committing suicide or announcing the final curtain call for her vaudeville act?

Ares attempts a Suicide Hotline Intervention:

"You're my favorite. I don't want to see you throw yourself off some cliff. If for no other reason than it's such a tastelessly melodramatic way out of this life."

QUIBBLES

Cyrene's feet are shackled together on the altar and then poof!  Shackles are gone.

KIBBLES & BITS

• In the Stooges-esque fight scene, the abundance of Saturday morning cartoon sound effects.
• Xena's "I've never felt better" double cheek slapping of Gabrielle.
• Xena says "Please" to Gabrielle!
• Gabrielle begs! "Xena, please, will you do it for me?"
• Xena afflicted with Alien Hand Syndrome, "Either you behave or you don't get to come."
• Xena's yiyiyiyi warcry replaced with cock-a-doodle-doo rooster crowing.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

• Gabrielle and Xena's footrace wagers: Gabrielle bets firewood duties and Xena bets dumplings. Just *what* is the red stuff inside Gabrielle's dumplings that Xena likes so much?
• Xena's hair sniffing headbutt maneuver on Gabrielle.
• Xena says, "Sometimes that's the only way to shut her (Gab) up (a hand over the mouth)."  What are some of the other ways?
• Gabrielle's knowing smirk/cat-ate-the-canary grin in response to Ares' comment, "Xena, I still don't get what you see in her."

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON!

• Lap dancing deities! "Showgirls" in ancient Greece (perchance, Elizabeth Berkley is a Furies descendant?)
• The gambling/footrace between Xena and Gabrielle.
• The nighttime daisies in the 'do/Xena naked and terrorizing the villagers/Gabrielle tenderly "corralling" Xena.
• Bacchus, Dryad, and Callisto--oh my! (watch Xena's eyes reflecting the Dryad--kewl!)
• Ares and Xena's Temple fight, especially Xena kangaroo kicking Ares across the flagpoles and Ares' god-of-war-in-a-blanket yo-yo maneuver.
• Xena's "I win!" maniacal laughter and victory dance.
• The closing/reconciliation between Cyrene and Xena.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

Poor Gab. Our little bard is all black and blue. Xena elbows her in the chest, shoves her away, holds her at sword point, and ties her up to a tree. Sheesh, Xena, this is Gabrielle, not Joxer.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"Ya know, fellas, there are less painful ways of making a dinar, but if you insist."

"I've cut off the flow of blood to your brain and other pertinent body parts."

"You know how I get when I miss breakfast."

"Go horsey!"

G: "Xena, you're acting really strange."
X: "Don't be ridiculous Mavis."

"I love the smell of warrior sweat in the morning."

G: "It's not your look that I'm talking about. It's what's going on inside your head."
X: "You don't want to go there--it's terrifying."

"Well if it's my head you want, then take it, 'cuz frankly, it's driving me crazy."

"I have an interesting choice now. I can kill you or I spend the rest of my life shuttling between babbling idiocy and vivid clarity."

"Mother, I'm a lunatic with lethal combat skills."

"I must be crazy, you're beginning to make sense."

"Yeah, I'm completely out of my gourd and I might cut up Mom later just for fun, but not because she killed my father--because you're my father."

"Girls, he's been giving you rotten fruit!"

"We'll go on. We'll be stronger than before."

GABREILLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

X: "Well what would we bet?"
G: "If I win, you have to cook breakfast for me tomorrow morning."
X: "You call that winning?"
G: "Good point."

X: "I'm in trouble, aren't I, Gabrielle?"
G: "No, we'll get through this."

"Xena, you knew what your mom would say about the night of your conception and you knew exactly what I would say. Well, I don't know if I like being that predictable."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Juggling (but does she mime?)
• Streaking
• Acting Crazy (*some* of the time)
• Fruit Inspector
• Masters and Johnson Interrogator/Pollster
• Floral Arranging/Hair Stylist
• Nose Picking (amazing how Xena makes it seem alluring)
• Throwing a Tantrum
• Horseback Riding--backwards, not to be confused with bareback riding ;)
• Spit Shining
• Spitting Fruit (twice)

DISCLAIMER

Xena's sanity was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. The Furies, however, will be opening their own lap dancing variety show off-off-off Broadway soon.

LaLa