Gabrielle's Hope

Like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.

Welcome to Ryan's, er, Gabrielle's Hope. My, what a soapy little ep!

Gabrielle: a confused, pregnant, unwed mother, who is alternately persecuted by villagers and worshipped by Banshees, not to mention the growing tension, disagreement, and deceit between herself and Xena. As if that wasn't enough, Gabrielle carries the Demon Seed! It's the Exorcist, Damien Omen 6, and Rosemary's Baby all rolled into one unholier than thou ep. Reminiscent of an ABC Afterschool Special, no?

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

Grease's (Linda Blair does the honors) "Look at Me I'm Sandra Dee":
"Look at me, head spins 360 degrees, lousy with Christianity, Gabrielle's mad 'cuz she's been had, that's me, the Dark One, wheee!"

Johnny Cash's "If I Were a Carpenter and You Were a Lady":
"If I were evil incarnate and you were a innocent young lady, would you be deceived by me, would you have my demon baby?"

Simon and Garfunkel's "Scarsborough Faire":
"Whoever said that life was fair? Parsley, Sage, Rosemary's Baby Time"

KC and the Sunshine Band's "Get Down Tonite" becomes:
"Dupe a little bard, spill a little blood, bear devil spawn!"

CULT OF GABRIELLE

Yet another reason (as if we really needed one) to worship Gabrielle: she's *The Source* (not to be confused with She's the Sheriff. Speaking of Suzanne Sommers, she's an irritating blond).

In a nice bit of role reversal, Gabrielle 'protects' Xena from the uber-groupie Banshees.

G: "Xena, I don't know why, but they won't attack me."
X: "Good, all the more for me."
G: "Will you just stay behind me!"
X: "I'm gonna kick these ladies butts!"
G: "Xena, will you please? I don't feel good at all."
X: "All right. Well, this is your lucky day, my friend's not feeling well."

Between her staff and a talent for target regurgitation, Gabrielle is a force to be reckoned with...

THE GROUPIES

Banshee 1: "Gabrielle, we want to serve you!"
Banshee 2: "Worship you!"
Banshee 3: "We love you, let us care for you!"

Yikes! Someone get a restraining order! Waaaaay beyond 'Warrior Princess Haze.' These clingy, aggressive, sycophants are like Solid Gold Dancers gone bad with big hair and barely-there leotards.

X: "They were very strange."
G: "Yeah, you're telling me. And I thought Greek immortals were freaks."
X: "Yeah, but they're *our* freaks."

'I' IS FOR INDEGESTION

The gastronomical Gabrielle: "This is sooo good."

chicken broth
cherries
beef jerky
bloody pork liver with melted cheese on top
goat cream

Gabrielle: "Hey, if you have any chicken gizzards--you just fry them in some sheep lard--send 'em my way!"
(Read the story inspired by Gabrielle's feeding frenzy: Constant Craving)

THE FRIENDLIEST PLACE ON EARTH

Welcome Wagon they ain't. The villagers--fry to a crisp first and ask questions later--hounded Gabrielle; she looked like a bunny at the race track chased by dogs. Could this be Gaul's version of The Salem Witch Trials? Can't attribute the villagers behavior to moldy, fermented nutbread. This town will not be listed as a top 10 destination for young ladies carrying demon seed.

I'M WHAT? I CAN'T BE, I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL!

If it's fire and not an actual physical entity, it doesn't count, right? I was using protection, whaddaya think Xena's for? Never met him! Never laid eyes on him! Never even got to 1st base with him! How is Gabrielle gonna wrap her head around this one--pregnancy. She's in denial (and we ain't talking 'bout that river in Egypt).

Her options are:

Xena does indeed have many skills--siring children (Xena *may be* half god) - or -
Xena is the first invitro fertilization expert in ancient Greece (if so, did she invent the turkey baster as well?) - or -
in a fit of Hetero Haze, she imbibed too much cider and proceeded to roll around in the hay with a handsome stable boy - or -
in a tag team effort of treachery, she was duped by Khrafstar (a.k.a. Goatboy) and impregnated by Dahak

THE READER'S DIGEST VERSION OF BIRTH

Gabrielle: "Ow!"
contraction
dilation
Xena: "Push!"
Gabrielle: "OW!"
out pops the baby
Xena: "It's a girl!"
Xena sticks a cigar in Gabrielle's mouth
Baby: "Wah!"
Xena grimaces and sticks a cigar in the once newborn, now pre-pubescent's mouth as well

PARENTING QUIZ: IS YOUR CHILD A BAD SEED?

Answer yes or no to the following questions:

U.M.I. (unidentified method of impregnation)
Unnaturally short term of pregnancy (perhaps Gabrielle graduated from the Evelyn Wood's school of speed gestation)
Otherwise adorable and docile child morphs into a hyper-aggressive, foul-tempered, potty mouthed, demonic gremlin (think Girl Scout desperate to meet cookie sales quota)
Head spins 360 degrees
Speaks in tongues and/or basso voice a la Bacchus
Does not play well with others (kills arbitrarily and without compunction)
Levitates
Gives you the evil eye
Superhuman strength
Spews copious amounts of green bile that's suspiciously akin to pea soup
Allergic/averse reactions to holy water, scripture, chants, and/or religious artifacts/talismans

If you answered yes to any 3 of these questions, your problem is beyond the scope of Dr. Spock. Our suggestions? If you don't have the stomach for infanticide, leave child at the neighbor's or the grandparent's house permanently; put child in a basket, put basket on a stranger's doorstep, ring the doorbell and run; or raffle off child at the next PTA fund-raiser.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"You guys--you're really asking for it, aren't you?"

"Ok, Banshees, time for a rematch!"

G: "Xena, let's just run for it. I'm feeling much better."
X: "Oh no, we don't have to run for it. I'm gonna slap these bitches silly."

"Kill me and watch him die!"

"One version at a time!"

G: "Xena, what's going on?"
X: "I think you're pregnant."

Xena to Gabrielle: "You got it bad. On the bright side, seasickness will be a romp after this."
"Nice blade."

"I'm gonna go see where our little friend went."

Banshee: "You're a glutton for punishment!"
Xena: "I've got your number, sweetie."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"Well, I guess I'll be glad to get off this island. Britannia didn't turn out to be my favorite place."

"I'm carrying a child? I don't think so."

G: "Tell me who these warriors are?"
X: "They're the ones that set the lynch mob on you."
G: "And they're supposed to be an improvement over the Banshees?"

Gabrielle about Xena: "She's relentless."

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

Gabrielle's nightmare--creepy!
Xena raising her sword to kill the baby after finding the knight strangled.
Gabrielle's chilly warning: "Well, you get this clear, Xena. No matter what she is, she's my daughter. Don't come between us."

Scene inside the cave. This epitomizes the moment when deeds and/or words damage a relationship and the trust, respect, and love are strained beyond their limits.

G: "Xena, this is madness."
X: "Get away from that rock, Gabrielle."
G: "I can't believe you're doing this."
X: "Move."
G: "No."
X: "Now!" shoves Gabrielle aside, overturns rock and discovers....a rat
G: "Are you satisfied?"
X: "Gabrielle, I'm sorry. I just had to be sure."
G: "I know. I know."

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

Xena's castle parapet-to-ground leap
Gabrielle's pole-vault out of the towering inferno tavern
Xena's expression when she hears 'crying' from the cave
Gaul's first ever Wet BGSB Contest. Of course, Gabrielle is the only contestant, but she'd win no matter what.
Xena's first battle with the Banshees, she gets it good from the groupie gals. I especially like the 'Hah!' expression the blond Banshee directs at Xena after her backhander passes right through the Banshee.
Xena's entrance to the Knight's Roundtable Room: kick the chair over, pinch his neck, threaten, interrogate, release the pinch, and kick the chair back up. Kewl!
Xena is soooo very Butch *sigh* throughout this ep. She's the protector and comforter...so much touching and hugging and hair stroking *sigh*...but the Butch Moment of the Night goes to (drumroll)...Xena carrying Gabrielle and child in her arms *sigh*

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

Gabrielle giving birth--by the gods, the way she was screaming and carrying on, you'd think she was giving birth to a centaur--speaking of which, now she and Ephiny can share 'labor horror stories.'

E: "My labor was so painful."
G: "Mine too."
E: "It was like passing a watermelon."
G: "Felt more like a wine barrel."
E: "Ouch!"
G: "Ouch is right."
E: "Gods, I thought it would never end."
G: "I know."
E: "One centaur baby is enough for me."
G: "Yeah, no more demon babies for me either!"
E: "Demon baby?"
G: "Uh"
E: "I thought--"
G: "Ooops guess I forgot to mention that part, heh heh.."

CONTINUTIY KUDOS

Xena's upper arm slash wound, received in The Deliverer, appears again.

QUIBBLES

Where is Gabrielle's staff? Now you see it, now you don't.
Gabrielle's 'does nothing for your figure' potato sack--I can't see your fab abs or the sleeker, sexier, snugger BGSB.
I've heard of post-partum depression, but what explains Gabrielle's dearth of deductive reasoning skills? Where did logic wander off to? She can't quite seem to grasp that the baby is not *normal*.

KIBBLES AND BITS

Bard, Amazon Princess, Pole-vaulter. Seems Xena's gravity defying stunts are rubbing off on Gabrielle.
Baby in a basket floating down the river--Deja vu Cradle of Hope, anyone?
Gabrielle's upset stomach (poor girl, seasickness, now morning sickness--spot a trend?)
Gabrielle's unwilling imitation of a marshmallow dropped into the fire; first in The Deliverer and now in this ep. I cried out, "Gab, behind you! Your furry purse and Amazon mini are on fire!"
Maphaius (Xena's fiancé from Remember Nothing) returns as a Knight

THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY "NEEEE!"

Oops, silly me, I meant the Knights of the Pierced Heart. Ya gotta be dense to miss the Knights of the Round Table allusion and the Sword of Excalibur, which Xena had no trouble removing from the rock--natch. Nice scene as the Knights realize what Xena did and try to duplicate it while our gals, oblivious, carry on a conversation.

XENA, IS THAT A WOODEN STAKE OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

G: "Have you lost your mind? Look at her, she's a baby!"
X: "It's not a baby. It is a thing in the form of a baby, a dark wicked thing that must be destroyed."

LIAR, LIAR, BGSB ON FIRE

Caution! Bard histrionics and melodramatic embellishment ahead:

Gabrielle to Xena: "She turned on me. She tried to choke me. It's beautiful expression of sweetness just turned into this hateful snarl--it was like looking into evil itself."
Xena fell for this? (pun intended) Oye, Xena, Xena, Xena...

XENA'S SKILLS

Exorcism (honorary mention for the attempt, albeit unsuccessful)
Banshee Basher
Lamaze Coach/Midwife
Masseuse (nice scalp/temple massage--lucky Gab)
Interrogator
Excalibur Extractor
Marathon Runner
Tracker
Baby-sitter.....Not!

DISCLAIMER

Despite witnessing the bizarre and somewhat disturbing birth of Gabrielle's ?Hope/baby?, no farm animals were harmed or traumatized during the production of this motion picture.

NEXT WEEK

Xena in China! Xena in a cage! Xena in full-tilt badass mode! Yeeeeeeow!

LaLa