Lucifer Shmoocifer

With the exception of Coming Home, the eps Haunting of Amphipolis and Heart of Darkness resemble road kill. I look at the screen and see this big, stinky, unrecognizable mess and wonder, "What the hell was this before it was squashed under the wheels of TPTB?" These eps are all over the place -- they lack continuity and logic, are confusing as hell, and put Xena & Gabrielle in situations that are stupid and make them act in ways contrary to how I know them.

Words cannot express how fed up and utterly bored I am with the whole Christian bent this show is taking. Enough is enough. A perfect ending place for this misguided foray into Bible stories was with the death of Eli. TPTB should’ve left it at that. There are plenty of other myths to explore that are lesser known and more interesting. I’m tired of being preached to and I really, really find the amount of time this show devotes to Christianity a turn off. So much so, that I’d rather be spanked on my naked butt with stinging nettles than sit through another sermon, uh, ep. 

Can ya tell I’m cranky?

I place the blame wholly on the script. You can’t make silk panties out of a potato sack, but TPTB seem determined to do so. The Xenaverse would be a much better place had this script never seen the light of day.Here’s my solution: condense this ep to its best moments, which amount to around 8 minutes -- why suffer through the rest of this tired, asinine, connect the dots ep?

Here’s what’s worth watching: 

• Xena taking liberties with Lucifer’s name.
• Xena asking Eve "do you wanna send mommy to hell?"
• Lucifer pointing out Xena has a blond grrlfriend. 
• Gabrielle bonking Eve on the head with the fish statue.
• Xena and Gabrielle’s H-O-T dance number.
• Gabrielle and Xena’s moment of sexual jealousy fueled bickering and mutual appreciation of the dark side

Go on, give that fast forward button a work out!

CAVALCADE OF CHARACTERS

Gabrielle: a very naughty grrl 
Xena: tall, dark, mean slut
Eve: shaddap already!
Lucifer: pretty boy archangel who takes a fall
Virgil: walking hard on
Michael: Acting Genius!
Raphael: Michael’s worrywart sidekick

SUCCINCT STORY SYNOPSIS

In-between scenes of het groping, sloppy kisses, and the all-too-brief X&G hot grrl/grrl slo-mo dirty dancing -- Xena uses her breasts to sucker a not-so-bright archangel into taking her place as the Head Honcho of Hell.

AND THE MORALS OF THIS STORY ARE…

1. It’s OK to corrupt another person in order to save your own ass.
2. Using sex to get what you want is acceptable behavior.
3. Only evil people engage in sexy dancing and/or sex with someone they aren’t "married to".

WHY THESE MORALS SUCK
I don’t like even the slightest implication that sex is evil. You’ll notice that the blacker the grrls’ hearts got, the more sexual they became. Since when is sex/sexuality bad? Why must "evil" people be portrayed as super sexual beings? What kind of puritanical bullshit is that?

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Xena Plot Recycler
• The Devil in Miss Xena
• Xena in Heat
• Last Temptation of Lucifer
• Dirty Dancing
• She Devil
• Xena Fucks the Devil (tip o’ the pen to Rooks)
• Panties of Darkness (tip o’ the pen to Ogami)

THEME SONG FOR THIS EP

• Pat Benetar’s "Stop Using Sex as a Weapon"
• Joan Jett and the Black Hearts’ "Do You Wanna Touch Me?"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Gabrielle’s sex-it-up black and shiny silver brassiere and belly baring shimmy skirt.
• "Yes Mistress Xena" in her form fitting floor length black dominatrix gown.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Eve in her Serape of Doom (also known as, the egregious earthtone holier-than-thou hairshirt).
• What the hell was Xena (in her dominatrix garb) wearing on her face? A colander? A fencing mask? What was she gonna do? Strain pasta or fence? 
• That unfortunate and unflattering black lingerie top that gave Xena flat-top torpedo boobs.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• Am I watching Xena: Warrior Princess or Xena: Christian Soldier.
• Is this whole Christianity arc an excuse for TPTB to exorcise their Catholic school upbringing? 
• Why is Michael the archangel such a serious, scowly blowhard? (Isn't it obvious? It's cuz they don't get sex in heaven, LaLa! - Netgyrl)
• What’s with the dive-bombing angels in heaven?
• Why didn’t Gabrielle knock some sense into Virgil for beating up that villager?
• Is Xena going to let the nice little village grrl restore Cyrene’s tavern? 
• Do archangels wear anything under their skirts?
• Where oh where did Eve learn all of Eli’s "Chicken Soup for the Soul" tired truisms? Through heavenly osmosis?
• Why bring Virgil back for this ep? He was unnecessary for the plot. Did TPTB think Gabrielle needed someone to make out with? Um, that’s what Xena is for, remember?
• When will Eve leave -- permanently? It’s time for that chickie to take her fire and brimstone revival show on the road.
• Why is an inordinate amount of the ep devoted to just one sin, lust, when there are 6 other sins? Oh, wait *smack my forehead* Cuz it would be kinda boring to watch Lucifer laze about and drink and eat and covet Virgil’s leather pants and get angry that his boots don’t go with his skirt, right?
• Ok, how did Xena know that corrupting an archangel was a "Get outta hell free" card? From what we saw in Haunting of Amphipolis, the inheritance of hell went thusly: whoever killed the current Head Honcho of Hell got the title and responsibility. Lucifer did not kill Xena, so how is it he’s now the HHoH? (I love it how TPTB make this up as they go along and willfully contradict themselves.)
• Why is Xena spending more time kissing than kicking ass? Xena _Warrior_Princess -- that is the name of the show, or am I mistaken? "Warrior" implies fights and swords, yes? Or is the show really, Xena: Soft Core Porn Princess? Or Xena: Sex Crazed Weasel?
• If it’s true that Lucy and Renee are "more involved" with story selection and keeping an eye on how their characters are portrayed – were they in or out of the loop on this one? Was there a bet among the writing staff to see how many times the word "hell" could be inserted into the dialogue?

QUIBBLES

• Ok, so now Eve is God’s messenger? I thought Eli was? Oh this is so dumb!!
• Eve’s dorky x-ray vision that allows her to see everyone’s liverspots, er, black heart. 
• Why wasn’t more time devoted to showing why Lucifer was "the best candidate for the job?" To me, he seemed like an over-confidant pretty boy who wasn’t too smart. I certainly didn’t get the impression that he was any more wicked than Xena. (Frankly, I don’t know anyone who _is_ more wicked than Xena.)
• Gabrielle and Virgil’s makeout session on the cushions seemed so…awkward. It didn’t do a thing for me and it just reminded me of Jr. High. Ewww!
• Xena’s striptease -- another scene that should’ve done something for me, but didn’t. 
• Part of me hoped Xena would become the HHoH. At least the clothes are better and she does some body boogie with Gabrielle – what’s not to like about that?
• The afterlife is just one big F.U.B.A.R. mess. Heaven, hell, Tartarus, Elysian Fields, reincarnation –- huh?
• Intercutting Xena and Gabrielle’s dancing with shots of Virgil and Lucifer – who care’s if the boys are salivating – get back to the dance!!!
• This image of Virgil is now burned into my mind -- Virgil pawing and salivating over Gabrielle and acting like a dog about to hump her leg. From now on I’ll see Virgil and think, "Oh, there’s the piggish, pugilistic, quien es mas macho, walking hard on," instead of, "Oh, there’s Meg and Joxer’s son - the cute little poet."
• The BIG fight between Xena and Lucifer was just silly and unsuspenseful.
• Look at poor Lucifer swinging back and forth on a string – duck Xena, duck! 
• Why is Xena acting like a conniving 2-bit hooker?
  The Xena I’ve known, up until last season, would only use her feminine charms as a last result and would do so in a way that the audience knew she took no pleasure in it -- that it was just business. I’m thinking of eps like Cradle of Hope, where she masqueraded as a belly dancer (in order to get Pandora’s box) and when the time came to give a little pleasure to the bad guy, she gave him some pain instead. Or how about when she had masquerade as Autolycus’ "concubine" in Royal Couple of Thieves?" Xena had to play the part, but she managed to get her licks and kicks in while doing so. And lastly, "Here She Comes, Miss Amphipolis," another ep that showed Xena enduring the flesh fest of pageants, but taking every opportunity to be her own grrl and forcefully adjust sexist attitudes along the way. During those eps, you could tell Xena would rather be kicking ass rather than showing tits and ass. To quote NetGyrl, "Pre-Season 4 Xena would find the idea of using sex to get what she wanted repulsive, degrading, and totally beneath her." In this ep, Xena comes across as a manipulative, hot n’ bothered, vagina dentata. I feel like I’m watching Melrose Place or one of those other trash soap operas that show women using sex to get what they want. Portraying women in this fashion offends me. I can’t help but feel this behavior is in complete contradiction to the Xena I know and respect as a hero. What’s heroic about Xena using her cootchie to get her way?

QUEEN-SIZE QUIBBLES

Never thought I’d say it, but the Evil Xena schtick has worn thin. Past incarnations of "Evil Xena" that I’ve found compelling and frightening were The Warrior Princess (of the Hercules trilogy), the "do anything to save our asses" Xena in The Price, and the crazy killing machine Xena in Debt I & II. I do not find the annoying eeeeeevil whisper and Meg-ish mugging scary at all. It’s hammy.

Once again, we see Xena sliding down the slippery slope to the dark side (or pretending to), but you know what? I just didn’t care. And that’s the problem with this ep. I’ve seen this plot before – Xena uses the promise of sex and her feminine wiles to seduce a man! Xena appears to be really, really evil, but wait – it was all an act! Xena has a big showdown and sends that bad man packing! Xena has touchy feely moment with Gabrielle! Snore, snore, snore! 

So, how did Xena know there were 7 deadly sins? How did she know that an archangel who committed these 7 sins was automatically expelled from Heaven, turned into a demon, and ready to usurp the throne of hell? Did Xena magically obtain this knowledge when she became an archangel? (I bet she read it in "The Dummy’s Guide to Being An Archangel – Chapter 7: The Seven Sins and Why They Are Deadly" – the book that comes with every pair of wings.)

I’ve think there should be an 8th deadly sin; writing boring and predictable stories with obvious recycled elements from previous eps.

I have had it up to my eyeballs with Eve’s holy roller preaching and sanctimonious spouting of religious platitudes. Will someone please put a sock in her piehole! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’d rather have Livia prancing across the screen acting bitchy and poking her sword in villagers than endure this goody goody Eve – bleck! Ptooey!

Major league creepy. Gabrielle making out with Virgil, _Joxer’s son_. Talk about stepping-over-the-bounds-of-good-taste Mrs. Robinson cradle robbing *shudder*

So, we only get to see Xena and Gabrielle dance sexy – together – when they are evil. If I wanted to be a knee-jerk reactionary, I could point out the implied statement that grrl/grrl action is evil and an activity for those condemned to hell. Or I could take the crass Neilsen ratings approach and say the only reason the dance is there in the first place is that grrl/grrl action scores big numbers. Or I could take TPTB "having it both ways" stance and say that we can’t have that scene without the boy/girl action because this way people can still view Xena and Gabrielle as "interested in men." Or I could care less about the "deeper meanings" and enjoy the dance and wish that TPTB would have more moments like this. Hmm, methinks I choose the latter – if I could just get my pesky conscience to shut up.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Lucifer (pre-corruption) and his halting Captain Kirk-ish delivery.
• I knew Lucifer was an easy mark and not long for this world when he fell for Xena’s "I can see up your skirt" ploy.
• Lucifer may be full of pride, lust, and envy, but he’s astute enough to observe this about Xena: "You’re a mortal female with a lying tongue, savage tendencies, and a blond girlfriend."
• Cheesy scene transitions between the gaping green mouth of hell and sweaty, undulating bodies.
• Xena battling the archangels in high heels and underwear. 

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

So, archangels (Lucifer in particular) are voyeurs -- and it seems Xena is too. They both watch Gabrielle and Virgil do their impression of 2 teenagers making out on a couch. It makes me wonder…is Xena a voyeur and an exhibitionist? (Is Gabrielle as well?) The scene leading up to the sexy X&G dance had some kinky undercurrents: Xena watches Gabrielle and Virgil; Xena gets up, takes center stage, and beckons Gabrielle (who ditches Virgil mid kiss) for a slow and sexy dance for all to see. Was the dance just a turn on for Lucifer and Virgil? Or was it part of a continuing seduction between our grrls? 

Whatever the case may be, all I know is that for those all too brief moments I saw more chemistry, electricity, tenderness, seductive sensuality, mouth-watering, loin-burning, heart-palpitating eroticism than in all the scenes before and after.

I wasn’t sure where to put the final touchy feely moment of the ep, so I put it here. Rather than straight out subtext, I perceived some other emotions, looks, etc. that I just gotta talk about.

Ok, the portal to hell has just closed and Eve is goin’ all "mommy!" on Xena. As Xena reassures Eve that she wasn’t really evil and tells her, "I just hope that one day (Xena looks away from Eve to Gabrielle) you believe as strongly as I do in the power of love to save lives." By now, Gabrielle and Virgil join Xena and Eve; Xena gives Virgil a wary and jealous(?) eyeball. Virgil goes on to say that Xena saved him from, "Making the mistake of a lifetime." And as Virgil says that, he’s looking at Gabrielle. (I assume he means having sex with Gabrielle -- and that would be the biggest mistake of his life? Well, I suppose so, cuz then Xena would have to kill him ;) ) Then Virgil and Eve excuse themselves, while Gabrielle and Xena stand there and look at one another. Then this dialogue follows:G: "I though I lost you for a minute there."

X: "Yeah? Which minute was that."
G: "You and Lucifer were looking, um, a little…uh"
X: "Gabrielle, every time I felt myself start to lose control, I just thought of you – led me back home."
G: "Really?"
X: "Sure."
G: "Don’t go getting all emotional on me, Xena.

"Xena and Gabrielle’s "love will build a bridge" moment had all the makings of Scorchy Sexy, but the scene felt forced in a weird sort of way. The sentiments were genuine and sweet, but somehow lacking the warmth and intimacy of similar moments in previous eps. Perhaps I’m overanalyzing and being too harsh? Perhaps Xena and Gabrielle were chagrined by their behavior? Perhaps Xena and Gabrielle had a lot of built up sexual tension and wanted to get past the "I’m ok, you’re ok" stage and start ripping each other’s clothes off? It’s unclear and that’s irksome. Whether it’s the writing or acting – I dunno!It also didn’t help that the scene was filmed poorly. The camera never came in for close ups (so we couldn’t see if X&G were making eyes at one another) and half the scene was played out while they had their backs to the camera, walking away.

SCORCHY SEXY NOT-SO-SUBTEXT

Aw, Xena and Gabrielle’s first polyamorous lovers spat...moments after Gabrielle interrupts Xena and Lucifer’s liplock:

X: "I was kind of in the middle of something, Gabrielle."
G: "Xena, you were supposed to throw him(Lucifer) in the portal."
X: "Well, he wasn’t ready."
G: "Xena, no one is ready to go to hell, that’s the point."
X: "Really? Well, you and Virgil looked like you were ready to burn not long ago."
G: "Yeah? So?"Xena giving Gabrielle first dibs to skewer Eve:
X to L: "Wait! If anyone deserves this historic opportunity, it’s Gabrielle."
L: "Gabrielle?"
X: "She’s been my partner for years. She’s shared with me things you can never understand."(Out of everyone present, Virgil should’ve gotten the honor. Perhaps Xena is acknowledging that Gabrielle has tolerated Eve’s imposition on their love life long enough? ;) )

QUICK -- HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Gabrielle "doin’ the Bunny Foo Foo" on Eve’s head with the fish statue – it’s about time!
• Gabrielle "turning the garden hose" on Xena and Lucifer’s kiss by throwing Xena’s clothes at her head.
• Xena and Gabrielle’s tit for tat sexual jealousy spat.
• Xena and Gabrielle’s shared moment of dark side intoxication appreciation:
  X: "Evil. The Dark Side. Intoxicating, isn’t it?"
  G: "Oh yeah. It’s intoxicating."
• Gabrielle’s "Nyah, nyah grin" toward Lucifer when Xena gives her first dibs to kill Eve.
• Gabrielle, post portal, giving Virgil the "Ew, hands off!" look.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

• X to G & E: "So, it is huge and potentially devastating – goody."
• X: "Come on Lucy, I won’t bite. You don’t mind if I call you Lucy, do you?"
  L: "No."
• X: "Lucifer, Luceroni, Big Al."X to E: "That is, unless you want mommy to go to hell?"
• X to E: "Eve, sweetheart, if you can’t stand the heat, then maybe you should get the hell out of my kitchen!"
• X to E: "Where did I go wrong? You’ve gotten in momma’s way for the last time."
• X to E: "My little pacifist. How enterprising...and hypocritical."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

E: "A great evil is coming, Gabrielle. I can feel it."
G: "Maybe that’s because you’re standing next to the portal to hell."

G to X about E: "No one likes a party pooper."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Squashing Scorpions
• Corrupting an archangel
• Voyeurism
• Dirty Dancing
• Plugging up portals to hell

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Knocking Eve unconscious
• Dirty Dancing
• Duping Eve

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

The temple...mid-orgy...Xena and Gabrielle dance together.

*Virgil gets up, walks over, and interrupts their dance.*

G: "Not now Virgil."

*Virgil whispers in Xena’s ear*

X: "Three’s a crowd."
G: "Yeah, beat it."

*Virgil ignores them both and leans over to kiss Xena. Gabrielle pulls the fish statue from parts unknown and bonks Virgil on the head. Virgil falls to the ground unconscious*

G: "Persistent."
X: "Couldn’t take a hint." *Xena shoves Virgil’s body aside with her foot* "Now...where were we?"
G: "I think we were right here."

*Gabrielle caresses Xena’s cheek, then moves her hand to the back of Xena’s neck and slowly pulls her down for a kiss. Just as their lips are about to touch, Lucifer interrupts*

X: "I’m busy." 
G: "Sorry, Luceroni. Grrls only."

*Lucifer ignores the warning and whispers in Xena’s ear. Gabrielle clears her throat and gives Lucifer a "hit the road" look. Lucifer returns a pointed stare and goes back to whispering in Xena’s ear. Gabrielle gives an exasperated sigh as she bonks Lucifer on the head and knocks him unconscious. Xena and Gabrielle stare at Lucifer passed out on top of Virgil*

G: "They make a cute couple, don’t they?"

*Xena gives Gabrielle a playful raised eyebrow and slow sexy smirk*

G: "The devil made me do it."
X: "I’m sure she did, now let’s see what else she can make you do."

DISCLAIMER

All hell broke loose during the making of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Oooooo vengeance and angst! "Gabrielle: belly dancing assassin!" You know what this means, yes? More blondie and less Evie – oh goody! I can’t wait!

LaLa