Ides Of March

And she's buying the stairway to heaven

The Ides of March left me wanting...wanting resolution for our grrls (dead is dead -- but wait, this is the Xenaverse! Silly me, no one stays dead for long); wanting to know what happens to Callisto for breaking the rules and Xena's back; and wanting resolution for Gabrielle's spiritual quest (I believe Xena has come to know her path, but Gabrielle still seems 'In Search Of'...more on that later).

Joining the condemned in their final hours are Avarice, er, Beans n Rice, uh, Amarice (the wee, 'fists before brains' mouthy Amazonette) and Eli, the once slightly shady and interesting magic man cum divinely inspired healer (who now shows himself to be a wellspring of spiritual platitudes wrapped in a mellow faux Jesus wrapper). Despite these two characters and the plot quibbles, I really enjoyed this episode. I thought it was powerful and showed Xena and Gabrielle at their self-sacrificing best.

CAVALCADE OF CHARACTERS

Amarice: sans Keebler Elf hat, but still boatloads of impulsive, headstrong 'let's rumble' attitude.
Eli: Mr. Goody Two Shoes Travelin' Healin' Roadshow.
Caesar: psst! Beware the Ides of March. I say no more.
Brutus: a loyal, but slow dupe (who's good with a knife).
Callisto: Hell hath no fury...
Xena: fighting the good fight 'til the very end.
Gabrielle: achieving nothingness and goin' on a killing spree all in one day.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

Losing Her Religion
Heavenly Creatures
The Last Temptations of Xena and Gabrielle
Die Hard
Heaven Can Wait

THEME SONG FOR THIS EP

Madonna's "Justify My Love" becomes "Crucify My Love" as sung by Callisto to Xena:

"I wanna kiss you in Illusia,
I wanna to crucify you on Mt. Amoro,
I wanna catch snowflakes on my tongue,
Make love to Ares in your body,
You put me in Hell,
So now what? So now what?
Wanting, needing, waiting,
For Rome to crucify my love,
Hoping, praying,
For Rome to crucify my love."

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

Callisto's new perky 'do. Quite fetching and quite functional as wash n wear hair for those hellish days.
Brutus' Tin Man meets Leather Man ensemble.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

Callisto's burlap bikini -- just cuz it's Hell doesn't mean it has to be unfashionable.
Gabrielle's tired n flat as a matzoh hair -- gimme some mousse, stat!
What crawled upon Caesar's head and died? That has got to be one of the cheapest and worst looking wigs I've ever seen.
Amarice's seashell studded leather horse collar. Looks like you could hitch up this angry little amazon to a wagon and watch her go. Yeehaw!

BURNING QUESTIONS

Who wants to corrupt Xena? Dahok? Dr. Evil?
Callisto is a lackey for whom?
Is Amarice's sword (with the women's symbol) Ephiny's sword? Or is that hilt symbol a common decoration on Amazon swords?
When did Hell sneak into the afterlife picture? Until now, the Greeks had two choices: Tartarus or the Elysian Fields. Is this Dahok's doing -- muscling in on the dead souls market?
Would Gabrielle have gone Lizzie Borden on anyone else's behalf?
Now that the chakram is broken in two, what will happen next season? Will it miraculously weld itself together? Will Xena make/buy a new one?
When Xena and Gabrielle return to this mortal coil, and be assured they do (cuz what would they fill season 5 with -- Touched by An Angel-esque storylines? *gag* ), what will they wear? Will Xena have her leathers? Will Gabrielle get her BGSB, Amazon mini, and staff back? (oh please oh please oh please) Or will the gals get some new threads?
How come Xena's chakram didn't cut her in half? It's gone through armor before...
Is this the same broken chakram that shows up in The Xena Scrolls?

QUIBBLES

Hell or Halloween House? It just wasn't scary (I've seen and been through worse at the local bar Friday night around closing time). Hanging Guy "I want to die!" really did it for me, I couldn't resist yelling back, "Hey, you're already dead!"
*yawn* Yet again, Xena vows to kill Caesar. I've lost count how many times she's said this and how many times she's failed...this time I want some follow-through, missy.
Callisto's victory over Xena has to be spiritual; she cannot intervene physically or harm Xena. Yeah, right. Ever heard the saying "Set up to fail?"
Gabrielle on the sidelines of yet another fight, looking 'engaged' and 'supportive' while Xena and Amarice do the dirty work. For a while, she looked like a dog on a leash straining to jump in the fray (kibbles n bits , kibbles n bits, I'm gonna get me some of that badguy's kibbles n bits -- grrrr!). At least she found it within her pacifist little heart to trip up one of the baddies with her coconut on a rope.
What is with Gabrielle sniffing apples? Is this part of achieving inner peace? If that's all I need to do, then pass me a Granny Smith.
The way Eli says, "Gab - ri - elle..." when he first sees her. Sounds soooo smarmy.
Yesssss! No more 'vision'. It went from bone chilling to eyerolling (there's repetition and then there's beating something into the ground).
When Xena says, "Let's make this short and sweet." prior to chucking her chakram at Caesar, why does she ricochet it off multiple objects? Isn't the shortest distance between two points a straight line?
Karl (Caesar) Urban's bombastic, wooden, and over enunciated "I have an important announcement to make!" reading of the Emperor Speech.
I had no idea that daggers pulled from a toga made a metal on metal scraping sound...
Hmmm, Xena's on the cross and these little glowing firefly like things swarm around her head and then her spirit leaves her body; the wind machine cranks to 8 and an angelic chorus of oooing and ahhing swells in the background as Xena does a little Lao Ma-esque air dance with her good buddy, Gabrielle, who notices she's wearing a white robe, but before Gabrielle can see if it's a 'v' or 'scoop' neck she and Xena are blinded by a white light. Huh, I guess that means they're dead. Tres cliché! Tres fromage!

QUEEN SIZE QUIBBLE

Why why why why why kill Xena and Gabrielle? First of all, death is such a lazy, trite, and hollow plot device when we know there's a season 5. Second, what's the purpose? Weren't there other ways to explore the same character/plot ideas without resorting to death? Third, pray tell, what plausible and logical excuse/event will occur to restore our grrls body and soul? I emphasize plausible and logical since we are still waiting for a good explanation of how Gabrielle survived her sacrificial swan dive into Dahok's fiery BBQ pit in Sacrifice 2. The best I can come up with, since the writers are not forthcoming, is that Gabrielle has abs of steel and buns of rubber -- she bounced her way out of death. Perhaps she's flame retardant to boot (that BGSB may be tiny, but it sure can take the heat).

The writers mean to tell me that Xena has never read, nay, let alone peeked, skimmed, perused any of Gabrielle's scrolls??? I'm shocked. I find it hard to believe Xena is so dis-interested in Gabrielle's stories and even harder to believe that Gabrielle wouldn't use Xena as a captive audience. Best friends tend to share these things...it's so out of character for the grrls.

Despite the impression that season 4 is about Gabrielle's spiritual quest, I'm still left wondering, "What spiritual quest?" Oh sure, Gabrielle learns yoga, meets Eli and learns to talk the talk, but I'm not convinced. Not to say the idea of a spiritual quest isn't good, it is. But the writer's blow their opportunity with Gabrielle. The moments when Gabrielle thinks she's achieved a grain of truth or furthered her 'Way' (The Convert: believing Najara had changed through her example; Devi: her healing powers; Paradise Found: finding inner peace) she's proven wrong and looks foolish as a result. True, Gabrielle has never been a warrior and that's not her purpose; she's a storyteller and we've seen woefully little evidence of it this season. Where's the scroll bag? Did she ditch it with the staff? This season Gabrielle has also lost her goofy little comic quirks -- the voracious appetite, the gameplaying / betting with Xena, and the storytelling. What a bore she's become with this surface change in clothes and attitude.

For me, Gabrielle has always known that violence is not the answer; there are times when you must fight (and times she enjoyed the fight). Did she forget this when she fell into Dahok's pit? Do we have to go through this painful and aimless rediscovery again? Instead of feeling that Gabrielle betrayed her 'Way' when she carved up the Roman soldiers, I felt relief -- finally, she's in touch with that part of her that can defend herself and Xena. Let's hope she goes for balance in season 5. I don't think I can take any more 'spiritual quest.'

KIBBLES AND BITS

Hooray! A pinch interrogation!
Caesar's response to the bounty hunter, who brought "Xena's" head, "Kill him. Take Xena with you."
Amarice's retort to Eli as they're ambushed, "If you can love your way out of this..."
Xena ditches Gabrielle in yet another mission of revenge and implores Gabrielle not to follow her, (did anyone think Chin?) Funny how even when she isn't trying, Gabrielle ends up in the same place as Xena.
Pssst! I'm gonna tell you the secret to power. Forget your Tai Bo and Tony Robbins and Dianetics tapes -- you acquire the greatest healing power on earth when you become selfless love. Who knew?
Xena catching Brutus offguard -- with his sword unsheathed, so to speak.
Just an observation...Callisto's attempt to entice Xena from her Way seemed half-hearted. Callisto is not a very persuasive salesperson, definitely wouldn't make her quota ("You won't buy it? Suit yourself." *stabs customer*)
Callisto catching snowflakes on her tongue as the condemned are marched past her. So very childlike and disturbing. Throughout this ep she's petulant, pouty, and snarky; turning up again and again like a bad penny.
For once, Gabrielle comforting, holding, and protecting a wounded Xena. How sweet. *sniff*
The intercutting of Xena and Gabrielle's crucifixion with Caesar's assassination. Nicely done.
The round robin stabbing of Caesar. Glad to see him go. Too bad it took Brutus 'Mr. Doh!' so long to realize Caesar is a bad man, a two timing, over enunciating baaaaad man.
The cruci-cam views (a side benefit: shows off Renee's musculature -- meow!)
Xena must have done a whole lotta repentin' to end up in Heaven (I assume -- note the white robes, white light, and Vienna Boys Choir singing in the background).

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

The chakram breaking Xena's back.
The crucifixion.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

Caesar's dream/nightmare of Xena -- does he still have the hots for her? (Pity we all can't be tormented by such dreams.) And what's this about Callisto being haunted by the same dreams? Do tell!

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

In their final moments together before the execution, Gabrielle cradles a crippled Xena in her arms:

X: "I made you leave the way of love, that was my fault."
G: "I had a choice. To do nothing or save my friend -- I chose the way of friendship."
X: "I'm sorry for all the times I didn't treat you right."
G: "Xena, you brought out the best in me. Before I met you, no one saw me for who I was. I felt invisible, but you saw all the things that I could be. You saved me, Xena."

QUICK -- HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

Xena and Gabrielle tormenting Callisto in Hell.
Xena doing her best Bill Shoemaker impersonation on Caesar.
The jailbreak fight scene: Xena's usual 'can do' mayhem and Gabrielle, especially Gabrielle ditching the do gooder and getting medieval on some Roman ass. Talk about someone awakening the Beserker within -- the abandonment and fury -- she's overkill personified. For someone who hasn't engaged in combat for half a season, she sure looked practiced with the sword. And that body slam! It's good to know Gabrielle still has the fight in her, even if she chooses not to use it.
Et tu, Brutus? Good on ya!
The tender, poignant, and bittersweet scene of Gabrielle and Xena in the jail cell.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

X to Amarice: "Because whatever Gabrielle wants, Gabrielle gets."

X to Brutus: "It's your funeral."

X to G: "Don't cry."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

G to Eli: "Amarice and I have some philosophical differences."

Brutus: "Caesar's never lied to me."
G: "There's a first time for everything."

X: "You're the best thing in my life."

G: "I love you, Xena."

CALLISTO SAYS THE CATTY-EST THINGS

C to X: "My, aren't you the clever girl?"

C to X: "Don't bother. You've already done all the damage you can to me. Thanks, by the way."

X: "You're trying to tempt me from my way by offering me peace."
C: "In a nutshell."

XENA'S SKILLS

Jailbreaker
Headbanger
Corpse

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

Tackling
Doing nothing
Bodyguard
One Woman Death Squad

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Post crucifixion, Xena and Gabrielle, physically dead but spiritually whole, reacquaint themselves with one another in their new form.

X: "Are you all right?"

G: "Well, I feel pretty good for being dead."

X: "Sorry about that."

G: "Xena, it's all right. I'm just mad at myself for not taking Alti's vision more seriously. She may be crazy and have poor taste in clothes, but her vision was dead on, uh, right."

X: *mutters* "Told you so."

G: "What did you say?"

X: "Your robe is white as snow."

G: "Not my best color." *studies the white robe and wings on her back*

X: "Too bad, it hides your best features. If I had a knife I could --"

G: "Fashion another one of your cleavage popping, belly baring, super short 'don't bend over you'll catch a breeze' fantasy tavern wench get-ups for me? I don't think so."

X: "Hey, at least you wouldn't look like a chicken."

G: "A chicken? I do not look like a chicken."

X: *makes chicken noises and flaps arms*

G: "If anything, I look like a...a Hestian Virgin."

X: "You? A Hestian Virgin?" *gives a whoop of laughter*

G: "Ha ha. At least I don't look like Pwiestess Leah."

X: *shoots her a glare, but smiles despite herself*

G: *touches Xena's arm and points* "Look Xena, Seraphim."

X: "Where? Where is that traitorous floozy of Dahok?"

G: "Not Seraphin, Seraphim -- as in angels."

X: "Oh." *the angels fly by and disappear*

G: "Xena, you really need to expand your vocabulary."

X: *defensive* "I'm a warrior, not a dictionary."

*Gabrielle gives her a playful peck on the cheek that turns into a passionate kiss. A loud noise interrupts, they're greeted by the sight of a short, round man with a long white beard holding a big scroll*

X: "Who are you?"

SP: "I'm St. Peter -- welcome to Heaven!" *smiles at Xena and Gabrielle; they stare back puzzled* "This is your new home." *still no response* "This is where the good people go after they die."

G: "You mean Elysia?"

SP: "Beg your pardon?"

G: "Oh Xena! We made it, we're in the Elysian Fields." *so giddy she giggles*

SP: *pause* "Oh my..."

X: "Oh my what?"

SP: *skims the scroll; his face reddens and he begins to sweat* "Um, there seems to be some kind of mistake."

X: *menacing* "What do you mean some kind of mistake? Is this another one of Callisto's little jokes?"

SP: "No! Not a joke, just a clerical error."

G: "You mean to tell us our deaths are clerical errors?"

SP: "Um, a teeny tiny mix up. With so many gods these days, it's hard to direct the dead to the right place. Neither of you is supposed to be here."

X: *testy* "Then where are we supposed to be?"

SP: "I'm not sure." *Xena steps closer* "Heh, no need to get upset. I'll have my god contact your gods and they'll sort it all out."

X: "You do that."

SP: *gives Gabrielle a scroll* "In the mean time, make yourselves at home and read these rules of conduct." *makes a speedy exit*

X: "Yet again, we get mixed up in another 'one god' fiasco. You haven't been talking to any strangers have you?"

G: "Xena, stop being so paranoid. Let's just make the best of this Heaven place -- at least we aren't in Tartarus. Now let's see what these rules are all about." *reads scroll*

X: *looks around for a bit and sees nothing but clouds -- boring* "Gabrielle, I have an idea. Why don't you put down the scroll and come over here?" *slinks over to a fluffy cloud, drapes herself across it and playfully crooks her finger*

G: "I can't."

X: "Since when?"

G: "Since now."

X: "Why? Because we're dead? For Gaia's sake, it doesn't mean our sex life has to die as well."

G: "No, it's not that --"

X: "Is it because you think people might see us? I thought that got your 'juices going.'"

G: *blushes* "Leave my juices out of this."

X: "I'd rather not."

G: "Xena, this scroll says "absolutely no funny business.""

X: "Sooo, we won't laugh and we'll pretend we aren't enjoying ourselves." *tickles the back of Gabrielle's thigh with her fingertips*

G: *continues to read from scroll* "Including: no slap and tickle..."

X: "Ok, I'll leave that sensitive spot behind your knee alone." *pulls her down onto the cloud*

G: "...and no mattress dancing..."

X: "Vertical it is!" *lifts Gabrielle upright and snakes a hand underneath her robe*

G: "...and no hand jive..."

X: "No hands? No problem!" *nibbles her way from Gabrielle's head towards her toes*

G: *squeals and reads* "...and no cunnilingus..."

X: *muffled* "No dirty talk? All right, I'll try to keep it clean, but that's gonna be --"

G: *kneels in front of Xena* "No, Xena. Cunn - i - lin - gus...you know."

X: "No I don't."

G: "Muff diving?"

X: "Muff what?"

G: "Carpet munching?"

X: "Huh?"

G: "Feasting on the bearded clam?"

X: *shakes head*

G: "In search of the honeyed nub?"

X: "What are you talking about?"

G: "Bingeing at Aphrodite's all you can eat buffet of luv?"

X: *stares blankly*

G: "Your face or mine?"

X: *the meaning dawns on Xena - her eyebrow slowly arches*

G: *continues oblivious* "How many licks to the center of an Amazon-pop?"

X: *smirks* "69."

G: "I thought it was 101."

X: "Depends on the Amazon."

G: "Let's find out."

*they kiss passionately, groping and sinking into a fluffy cloud. Minutes pass and the sounds from the cloud grow louder and more urgent. St. Peter returns, stops dead in his tracks, and then shouts and wildly waves his hands*

SP: "Stop! Stop this instant! Come out now with your hands up!"

X: *head pops out of the cloud, hair mussed* "Go away, we're busy right now."

SP: "But the rules! Haven't you read the rules?"

G: *head emerges from the cloud* "Well, we started to and then..." *smiles and blushes a deep shade of red*

SP: *picks up scroll and jabs finger on first rule* "Absolutely, positively no hanky panky in heaven!"

X: "Well, if we can't 'surrender the pink' what can we do? Drink?"

SP: "Alcohol, no. Water, yes."

G: "Eat?"

SP: "Only fruits, vegetables and lots of fiber."

X: "Kick butt?"

SP: "Against the rules."

G: "That doesn't leave a lot of options."

SP: "Well, you can fly around, sit on the fluffy clouds, or you can play the lyre."

X: "That's it?" *St. Peter nods; Xena sighs and grabs a lyre from St. Peter* "Fine." *starts plucking and sings* "Ev'rybody needs a bosom for a pillow --"

SP: "Whoa!"

X: *begins new tune* "Welllll, listen to m' story 'bout Gabrielle, cute little gal that's looking really swell, perfect hair, such a lovely lass, nice round breasts and a firm young --"

G: "Xena!"

X: *pauses and begins again* "I like big butts and I cannot lie --"

SP: "Hey, hey keep it clean!"

X: "I don't want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself --"

SP: "Don't go there!"

X: "Tiptoe through my tulips --"

SP: *yanks the lyre away from Xena* "No more lyre playing for you. Listen, if you two can't behave yourselves, I'm gonna have to put you both in purgatory until I straighten this mess out."

X: "You aren't putting us any--" *Gabrielle clamps a hand over Xena's mouth*

G: "That won't be necessary. I'm sure I can keep Xena's idle hands busy and out of my, uh, out of trouble."

SP: *skeptical* "How?"

G: *whispers in St. Peter ear; he nods approval, gives a warning glance to Xena and disappears*

X: "So what did you promise to do, tie me up?" *winks*

G: "You wish. I told him we would spend our time drawing."

X: "Gabrielle, I don't like drawing. I don't know whose activities are more harebrained -- his or yours." *scowls*

G: *whispers* "Picture it: you...me...Mendhi...your bare back...my firm belly..."

X: "When do we start?"

DISCLAIMER

Xena and Gabrielle were killed during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Yikes! It's fast forward into the future with Salmoneus (or is that the Unabomber?), Ares, Joxer, er, or maybe it's Xena trapped in Joxer's body, Meg, and a HippyChick that looks suspiciously like Gabrielle. Oye, me so confused!

Laura a.k.a. LaLa