And everyone lived happily ever after. Well, almost everyone.

Uh, oh. Another comedy *cringe* I approached If The Shoe Fits with trepidation -- who wouldn't after surviving Key To The Kingdom just the other week? I must say, I was pleasantly surprised (I actually laughed *gasp* 'tis true). This silly and tasty not-too-cerebral confection was a guilty pleasure -- a Twinkie for the soul. I gobbled it up and was content to wallow in the high caloric, low food value haze. In retrospect, I should have recognized the handiwork of the writers Armus and Foster; the bickering and flight of fancy frivolity present in this ep are apparent in their earlier works: In Sickness & In Hell and Fins Femmes & Gems. While the sated state was all too temporary, If The Shoe Fits was a welcome diversion in a season that can't quite find a direction or explore a clearly defined theme.

CAVALCADE OF CHARACTERS

• Joxer: the ever-present walking existential question "Why is he here?"   Also known in fairytale land as: the Messenger, Tyro, and the Prince.
• Aphrodite: the empty nest syndrome suffering goddess with the bodice overflowing; also known in fairytale land as: Pelia and the Evil Stepmother.
• Alesia: the homicidal, cloying, annoying, blond, runaway beauty contestant child.
• Zantar: the big 'n bad, smelly 'n not-so-smart warlord; also known in fairytale land as: the Evil Stepfather and Evil Stepmother.
• King Melos: the dorky, fey divorcee dad.
• Queen Mistria: Stepmommie dearest.
• Gabrielle: the topless and tantrum susceptible storyteller; also known in fairytale land as: Tyrella and the Princess.
• Xena: the kleptomaniac, temporary fairy godsmother; also known in fairytale land as: the Evil Stepmother, Pelia, Harmonia, and Tyrella.

NOT SO SUCCINCT STORY SYNOPSIS

Xena brings yet another errant warlord to justice, but in doing so sets off a spat with Gabrielle when she uses the bard's BGSB as a gag on Zantar, the smelly warlord. Joxer is along for the ride -- gods only knows why. The grrls bounty hunting is sidetracked by a commotion in Aphrodite's temple. A king's daughter, Alesia, has run away from daddy and the replacement mother unit (a.k.a. stepmom) to her fairy godsmother, Miss Victoria Secret Underwear Model (a.k.a. Aphrodite).  However, Aphrodite has annoyed Alesia and now the child wants to go with Xena (who doesn't?) Xena decides to return Alesia to her dysfunctional castle and bring Zantar to justice (oh, the multi-tasking Warrior Princess!) To entertain the child during the journey, Gabrielle starts a story (very Cinderella-esque), that is in turn, added to and retold by Joxer, Aphrodite, and Xena (we get to see each story acted out - joy! - by more clones than you can throw a shoe at). In between the story telling, Xena and Gabrielle bicker, Aphrodite meddles, Zantar escapes, and Joxer sits on a log. The End.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Sufferin' Sack Attack!
• Fractured Fairytales
• Sappily Ever After
• Cinderfella
• The Agony of De Feet

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

The Cure's "Boy's Don't Cry" becomes "Stepmom Must Die" as sung by Alesia:

"Tyrella would be happy,
If her stepmom would change her mind,
But she's too mean and selfish,
With ugly toes and a big behind,
Tyrella tries to laugh about it,
But all the while she cries,
Tyrella laughs about it,
While plotting stepmom's demise,
'Cuz Dad's all mine, Stepmom must die"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Whether an impromptu laurel of indigenous leaves or an attempt at camouflage, Gabrielle branches out and adorns her hair with leaves and a well place twig or two -- tousled, natural, and earthy!
• Gabrielle topless. Although I did not get a firsthand glimpse of Gabrielle in her birthday suit, I'd bet my bottom dollar it was a good look.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Gabrielle's BGSB v-neck halter sack substitute. No amount of alteration could improve that blight of burlap.
• A toothless, lispy, ponytails akimbo Gabrielle/Pelia in a shapeless dress; inbred never looked so, well, inbred (yet so darn cute!)
• Gabrielle/the Princess: getting our money's worth out of that blond, bangs too short, Lady Godiva wig from Bitter Suite, no?
• The handlebar-ish, symmetrical sugar cones stuck to the side of the head 'wigdo' worn by Aphrodite/Pelia and Xena/Pelia. I didn't know whether to grab 'em and rev the engine or ask for a double dip of vanilla and rocky road.
• Begone ye offending raven corkscrew tresses, yellow teeth, and plentiful facial hair! Xena/Evil Stepmother looked more like a Wild West hooker ridden hard and put away ugly.
• Warlords in drag. *shudder* Unless you are a sleek and svelte man who knows how to wield a razor as well as a curling iron, please do not give women a bad name. Leave the skirts and curls to the likes of RuPaul and Miss Artiphys.
• What in the name of good taste is that blond tornado of a wig the size of Texas doing on that child's head?

FAMILIAR FACES

1. The actor who portrays Zantar the warlord has also portrayed Virgilius the warlord in Ten Little Warlords.
2. The actor who portrays Zantar's bald bro has also portrayed the no good right hand man, Thoracles, in Warrior...Priestess...Tramp.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• Yet another ep where Xena recognizes a child. Does she know everyone in Greece?
• How did Xena run out of rope and why was the last strand of it in her bedroll?
• How was Joxer able to steal Autolycus' facial hair?
• Who was Xena's stepfather and what happened to him? Did Cyrene give him the axe too?
• So, Gabrielle needs space -- often; just how many times has she 'spaced' out on Xena?
• Gabrielle's method of poaching fish looked suspiciously like dropping some of it into the fire -- is that Xena's piece? Or is that her secret spicing technique?
• When Gabrielle discusses the idea for her new story (about the boy who lies and each time he does, his nose gets bigger), why are her hands at skirt level illustrating the growth? Last time I checked, noses were on the face.

QUIBBLES

Escapees from Masterpiece Theatah! King Melos and Queen Mistria had the most chirpy and saccharine British accents.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• I guess waking up on time is not one of Xena's skills.
• Let the bickering begin! I just love the squabbling and sniping between Xena and Gabrielle. They sound so much like an old married couple.
• Gabrielle gets copyright credit for inventing all sorts of things in this ep: the outdoor shower, 'Once upon a time', and the stories Cinderella and Pinocchio.
• King Melos better start saving those crown jewels for therapy; Alesia seems to have one heck of a violent Electra complex.
• When Lucy plays the part of Pelia, Tyrella's mean ol' sister, she sounds like Lisa Lubner (the stuffy nosed, nerdy character created by Gilda Radner). I kept expecting Tyrella to give her a noogie.
• Put on your white vinyl boots, baby! The Laugh In inspired cheesy organ go-go music returns!
• Umbrella drinks!
• Disco Ball!
• Dancing Fool: Joxer's little nod to Saturday Night Fever.
• Psssst! This is a wee bit morbid, but I have to share: Alesia reminds me of Jon-Benet Ramsey.
• Fashionable beavers...can't say I've seen any lately.

XENA: 4
GABRIELLE:1

Once upon a time, Gabrielle filched Xena's whip in order to trade it for a new frying pan. Since then, she's taken to heart the motto, "Never a borrower nor lender be."  Can't say the same for the Warrior Princess. Thus far, Xena has 'borrowed' four of Gabrielle's possessions and not returned them or has returned them, but in a less-than-original state:

1. Frying Pan: dented, but returned (A Day In The Life)
2. Corner of a Scroll: used and 'disposed' of (A Day In The Life)
3. Lock of Hair (a.k.a. golden fleece): procured through deception and tied to a bent nail (Fins Femmes and Gems)
4. BGSB (a.k.a. Bilious Green Sports Bra): stolen and stuffed into the pie-hole of a smelly warlord.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

Death of the BGSB? Say it isn't so! Gabrielle, poor topless Gabrielle...

X: "Gabrielle, what's going on?"
G: "I woke up. Took a bath. I know I put my shirt on that tree -- it's just gone. Well, it doesn't make any sense, unless an animal took it!  You know, a fashionable beaver or -- or...you didn't."
X: "Gabrielle, I was in a hurry. We were out of rope."
G: "You stole my favorite shirt? It's the only shirt that goes with this skirt. You used it to tied up that smelly warlord! That's your excuse, you ran out of rope?"
X: "The good news is you found something else to wear."
G: "It's a sack."

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

While Gabrielle is scouting for Zantar's men, Xena reveals to Alesia yet another skeleton from the closet of familial secrets…

X: "I had a stepfather. I never got to know him and now I think that was a terrible mistake." *Gabrielle falls from her perch in a tree* "Gabrielle, are you all right?"
G: "Fine. What's this about a stepfather? You never told me that."
X: "Didn't I?"
G: "No."

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

If only Xena would be so cruel...

X: "I saw Zantar's men down across the river. I'm going to go deal with them."
G: "What do you want from me? My skirt? My boots? My underwear?"
X: "No, that would be too cruel."

Open mouth, insert boot…

G: "After all we've been through, that's how you think of me? The fairy godsister of dishes? Xena, is that my only use to you?"
X: "Oh, c'mon. It was just a story. I just meant we were like a family--"
G: "You have no idea how useful I am. I'm out of here. That's it, I need space."
X: "Gabrielle."
G: *walks off in a huff*
X: "She'll, she'll be back. She does this all the time, right Joxer?  She's crazy. Gabrielle?"

QUICK -- HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Gabrielle singing in the shower "La, la, la, la!" (she's singing my name ;) ); although the warbling is just this side of off key, I didn't mind; I was too entranced watching the play of muscles on her back.
• The inbred looking Gabrielle/Tyrella (in Aphrodite's version of the story) lisping, "A royal party? I'm so excited." I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. (me too, i was absolutely DYING! - ng)
• Xena/Tyrella poking Joxer/the Prince in the butt with her sword.
• Xena growling at Joxer.

DISHIN' WITH 'DITE

Aphrodite to Alesia: "As if! Dear child, do these features look evil?"

Aphrodite to thugs: "I have a proposition for you -- not that kind of proposition."

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

Xena/Pelia; "I'm as dry as a lizard."

G: "Xena." *brandishes knife*
X: "Still mad at me?"

Xena to Alesia: "Tyrella had a stepfamily all right, but nobody pushed her around. One day, Tyrella was busy sharpening her sword when..."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

X: "How come you let Joxer sleep in so late?"
G: "I was topless."

Gabrielle/Tyrella: "There's nothing wrong with the dress. Your anger is misplaced. It's a convenient way to avoid your deeper emotions. The same way that your mistreatment of me and my belongings is your way to avoid intimacy. You both need to get in touch with your inner child."

"Joxer, if you want to eat, work for it."

G: "Xena, give me the pan before you hurt someone with it."
X: "Maybe we shouldn't let Joxer tell the story."
G: "Yes, we should. Where's the oil?"
X: "In the saddlebag. It's just that he's making him sound like such a victim."
G: "I didn't hear you volunteer."
X: "No, well, I'm not much of a storyteller. I'm more a woman of action."
G: "Great, take action and get some water."

"Pardon the dishpan hands."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Temporary fairy godsmother
• Family mediator
• Storyteller

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Singing in the shower
• Seamstress
• Dressing down goddesses
• Hagster
• Getting some space

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Alesia is back home, Zantar's in jail, and Joxer is nowhere to be found. Xena and Gabrielle travel to a nearby town where Xena can buy material to make Gabrielle a new top. While Gabrielle checks out the local scene, Xena begins her seamstress duties back at the inn.  Gabrielle rejoins Xena hours later...

G: "What are you smiling about."
X: *self-satisfied* "I think you'll like what I've done."
G: "Why don't you show me and I'll be the judge."
X: *hands over what was Gabrielle's pink sheer nightie, but is now fashioned into two spaghetti straps supporting two very tiny triangles of fabric*
G: "What happened to my nightie?" *holds up what little there is of Xena's handiwork* "Oh you've got to be kidding."
X: "Try it on."
G: "You're not kidding. This isn't a top." *shakes nightie for emphasis* "This is something you would find in Meg's closet. This isn't even clothing. It's barely there -- it's more like an idea."
X: "A great idea if you ask me. C'mon, aren't you even going to try it on?"
G: *throws skimpy outfit at Xena's head*
X: *snatches nightie mid-flight* "Well, you could go topless..."
G: *gives Xena a pointed stare*
X: "But it's such a good look for you."
G: *crosses her arms*
X: "It was just an idea."
G: "Not one of your better ones."
X: "Everyone's a critic."
G: "Xena, you were supposed to make me something I could wear during the day."
X: "Well, good thing I was inspired and made this too." *reaches in the saddle bag and holds up a black leather, metal studded bra*
G: *stares in disbelief* X: * "I knew you would like it." *removes Gabrielle's modified sack, and straps her into the leather bra*
G: "Xena I--"
X: "Don't know how to thank me? That's ok, you can show me."
G: *smacks Xena's arm hard*
X: "Hey! I was hoping more for a kiss, but if you want to play rough--"
* growls and slinks toward Gabrielle*
G: *holds up hand* "Xena, stop right there. First of all, I am not liking this one bit."
X: "Why not?"
G: *petulant* "It's not what I asked for."
X: "Is that not a top or am I missing something?"
G: "I wanted an exact replica of my green top, not this leather studded monstrosity."
X: "But you didn't say that, you said you wanted a new top."
G: "New yes, but not this new." *stares at her leather encased bosom*
"For Gaia's sake, these metal studs could put an eye out."
X: "Well, I should hope so, whoever is putting their face in your bra deserves it."
G: "Including you?"
X: "Guess it depends on your mood." *winks*
G: "Xena, this doesn't go with my skirt...and black is not my color."
X: "C'mon, Gabrielle, get in touch with your dark side."
G: "I think you're dark enough for the both of us."
X: "I like black on you. It suits you in a whip me, spank me, tie me up, "Yes, Mistress" kind of way."
G: "Xena, this isn't another one of your personal fantasies is it?"
X: *snaps out of reverie* "What? Oh, no, no." *clears throat*
G: "Xena, I appreciate you making these...things for me, but I really want my green top."
X: "I figured as much." *rummages in saddlebag and removes a new BGSB*
G: "Why didn't you give this to me in the first place? Sometimes I don't know what to do with you." *reaches for BGSB, but Xena hides it behind her back*
X: "I just wanted to see if you would be interested in a change."
G: "The only change I'm interested in is changing out of this leather."
*reaches again for BGSB behind Xena's back, but comes up empty handed*
"Xena, give me the top."
X: "Make me."
G: *exasperated sigh* "Fine." *walks over and picks up Xena's whip*
X: "What are you doing?"
G: "Getting my top back."
X: "Well, all you have to do is ask--"
G: "Oh, I'll be asking for it all right." *unfurls and cracks the whip* "Understood?"
X: *wicked smile* "Yes, Mistress."

DISCLAIMER

No Fractured Fables were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

The grrls take a little trip to Lotus Land -- welcome to the Hotel California. Let us meditate upon: the vision. Again. A bald man. A hot tub. A Finger painted Gabrielle. And Xena with a hammer. Home improvement or house of horrors?

LaLa