Do not patronize the animals.

Key to the Kingdom is a true throwaway comedy ep -- in fact, that's a great idea! Throw this waste of time and tape into the trash. Save yourself the agony of slogging through this swill. Previously, I rated King of Assassins as the unfunniest Xena 'comedy' (and I use that term loosely), but KOA looks like inspired genius compared to this lumbering, cliché riddled piece of tripe. I was subjected to soggy slapstick, 'seen it a million times' sight gags, telegraphed shtick and the hammy-est acting outside "Babe: Pig in the City."

If I want mawkish, cloying, heartstring plucking, manipulative, dramatic dialogue -- I'll watch Touched by an Angel.

If I want intelligence insulting pap -- I'll watch Baywatch.

If I want comedy that falls on it's face because it's so tired -- I'll watch Mad About You.

But I don't; so please explain why XWP is slumming in the land of mediocre, dumbed down, lowest common denominator TV?

Key to the Kingdom is a debacle. An exquisitely dull combination of bad writing and bad directing. To be fair, the majority of blame falls on the shoulders of the writer, Eric Morris. His script is predictable and stultifying. (Pssst! Eric, if you insist upon plying your uniquely unfunny brand of drivel, masquerading as 'comedy', then I suggest you are better suited to the laugh riot that is Saved by the Bell.) I like my comedy clever, unpredictable, inventive, quick, and well written.  Key to the Kingdom possesses none of these qualities.

While watching this miserable affront to good taste, the tape in my VCR ran out -- cutting off the last 10 minutes. Did I panic? Did I leap up and put a fresh tape in the VCR? I had a very, very brief moment of vacillation, but then I decided you couldn't pay me to watch this waste of videotape again. Anything good about this ep? Yes, it ended.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Dumb and Dumber
• Who Gave Eric Morris a Writer's Guild Card?
• Off Key
• Worlds Dumbest Criminals

ACTIVITIES ALMOST AS MIND NUMBINGLY INANE AS WATCHING KEY TO THE KINGDOM:

• Watching bread mold
• Listening to Muzak while on hold with the Cable Company
• Counting pomegranate seeds

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

*deafening silence*

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL / UGLY AND UNBECOMING

Who can think about fashion at a time like this?

BURNING QUESTIONS

• Why?
• How?
• Who is responsible for allowing this hack job to see the light of day?
• Has Meg never heard of adoption? There are plenty of needy infants for Meg to inflict her maternal instincts upon -- like Joxer.
• Where was the laugh track?

QUIBBLES

• Nice wooden stunt baby in the chariot. So life like, so natural - the only thing stiffer than that baby is...well...you fill in the blank.
• Lucy Lawless should be arrested for overacting. In this ep, I found Meg tiresome and grating: her incessant mugging and Betty Boop voice irritated me so much I wanted to throw the TV out the window.
• Until now, I've enjoyed Meg's presence in an ep. I've concluded that when Meg is outside of the Warrior...Priestess/Princess...Tramp triangle, she's a bore. Meg's funny when she's forced to act against her self-interest. In this ep, Meg's willfully manipulative and rabidly pursuing her own selfish agenda.
• Usually, Autolycus' presence can prop up a rickety ep, but there was nothin' he could do for an ep with no legs to stand on.
• I want Xena! *my best Velasca bellow* I want Gabrielle!
• Must I continue to be subjected to Joxer's psychosexual drama? It's creepy, swinish, and duplicitous that he pines for and pursues Gabrielle, yet has sex with Xena, I mean Meg. Joxer can take his fickle 'n twisted libido elsewhere.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Babycam!
• Trojan Pig.
• The Eye of Hephestus from The Xena Scrolls doubles as décor in the chamber housing the Crown of Athena.
• Autolycus and his Rube Goldbergian lock picking contraptions (also, who knew he could literally pull something out of his ass?)

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

Not sad, but painful; this whole ep is an excruciating, squirming embarrassment.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

*wind whistling through the trees*

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

*dust bunnies collecting underneath the bedroll*

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

The Joxer drag: now this is the only scene worth watching again...and again...and again.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

*water dripping from a faucet*

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

*tumbleweeds tumblin'*

XENA'S SKILLS

Suffering a momentary lapse of reason

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

Avoiding a bad script

HAIKU! BLESS YOU

If it looks like dung,
Smells like dung, then it must be
Key to the Kingdom

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

*35mm film reel spinning, loose tail of film clacking against the machine*

DISCLAIMER

No Priceless Porkers, of either organic or ceramic origin, were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Now this ep looks goooood, although anything looks good compared to Key to the Kingdom. Xena and Gabrielle save a Wild Child from a nomadic tribe of mean 'n made up circus clowns (a.k.a. the Horde) in order to reunite the girl with her townie parents.

LaLa