You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run.

It was not the best of eps, it was not the worst of eps. It was, well, neither here nor there. Despite a few tasty morsels, I was left with a general feeling of apathy, of ep ennui. I had heard so much negative advance buzz that I considered reviewing this week's Hercules ep (Yes Virginia, There Really Is a Hercules) instead, which was a brilliant piece of self parody. At least that show doesn't have a problem with character consistency, but I digress... Forewarned, I took a Valium; I should've taken more to put myself under and out of my misery. Sleeping would have been a better use of my time rather   than watching this underwhelming ep. However, I can't write about something I know nothing about--wait that isn't true, I did that frequently during college, but I digress...The plot had such potential, Xena becomes a 'nothing up my sleeves (cuz I don't have any)' card shark and teams up with a pretty

boy con man to exact revenge on a corrupt and cruel casino boss. Unfortunately, I could easily predict the various cons and outcomes. If that wasn't Melatonin inducing enough, the script introduces an unrealistic and unlikely lust interest. The Sting meets Melrose Place. Puhleeze! If TPTB are gonna throw a man at Xena, let him be worthy and believable. Rafe is neither--his name should be Gaffe. At this rate, why not continue the trend of improbability and insert a guest appearance by Sigfried and Roy? At least these two would generate more heat and chemistry than Rafe and Xena, but once again, I digress...

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Risky Business
• Take the Money and Run
• Showgirls
• Casino
• Losers, Weepers, Finders, Keepers
• Return of the Pod People
• Get Lucky
• Viva Las Vegas
• She Works Hard for the Money
• You Bet Your Life

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

The Beatles' "Money (That's What I Want)" as sung by Rafe:

"The best things in life ain't free,
I don't want love, forget the birds and the bees,
Now gimme money, that's what I want!
Xena, you're good for a thrill,
But your blue eyes don't pay my bills,
Now gimme money, that's what I want!
I made a bet for your kiss it's true,
And I don't intend to lose,
Now gimme money, that's what I want!"

Burt Bacharach's "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" becomes "Gab and Rafe Keep Messin' With My Head" as sung by Xena:

"Rafe tries to get me into bed,
Gabrielle's teasing me and messing with my head,
He means nothin' to me,
But I'm not ashamed to jerk his chain just a little,
I do as I please,
I'm just being a tease."

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Rafe's quilted, diamond shaped metal studded vest.
• The semi-nude, silk diapered, sweaty, Sumo wrestlers in the casino.
• Gabrielle's 'my husband's fallen and he can't get up' outfit: the tight bodice and 'on the a way to the opera' furry sable socialite stole.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

Xena meets The Price Is Right spokesmodel with big blond hair, cleavage galore, my heads been attacked by an FTD flower bouquet scam emsemble.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• How did Gabrielle sprain her ankle? Practicing flips? Playing footsie with Argo? Slipping on the soap in the tub with Xena? Well, I have an idea...
• Why does the actor who plays Eldon look suspiciously like the lead singer from Simply Red?
• Joxer was a bloody mess. Ewwww! What's up with the excess blood this season? Xena in The Debts, Gabrielle in Bitter Suite and now this?
• Kind of hard to reconcile Xena beating the snot out of Leo and leaving no mark (she don't sissy punch), then Leo tenderizing Joxer's face and leaving a bloody trail. Is it selective blood loss?
• Xena was having a fine time jerking Rafe's chain--she knew his 'bet' changed into genuine interest and she took pleasure in wielding her sexual power. So why did she move to kiss him during the shoulder massage? Maybe she felt sorry for him. Maybe she was going to illustrate the adage 'be careful what you wish for, you just might get it'. Or maybe Xena wanted to jerk Gabrielle's chain (since the bardette gave her so much shit about 'bad boys'). Who knows...

BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE A DINAR?

Joxer: "Just call me Mr. Lucky."

Not for long. Joxer meets Rafe and Eldon, con men posing as regular guys, and they fleece Joxer of his dinars by selling him a nugget of gold...fool's gold. Confident he made the deal of the century, Joxer leaves Rafe and Eldon, unaware he's been played for a fool and 'relieved' of his sword.

Joxer: "Thank you...suckers!"

LET'S MAKE A DEAL

After rescuing Joxer from Leo and his Casino Good Fellas, Xena sets out to find the individuals responsible for Joxer's beating. She enters a tavern and discovers Joxer's sword in Rafe and Eldon's possession.

"Either you start filling in some holes, or I start making them."

Xena proceeds to use her creative powers of persuasion (a knife, and the threat of losing a finger) to interrogate Eldon and Rafe.

"You're a betting man, care to wager on how long it will take me to miss?"

They 'fess up and tell Xena that Titus, the greedy meanie casino boss, is responsible for Joxer's facial. After more 'persuasion', Flim and Flam agree to help Xena exact her revenge on Mr. Big.

ON THE MAKE

Rafe and Eldon are now unwilling, indentured servants of The Warrior Princess.

R: "What do you make of her?"
E: "Trust me, no man can make her."
R: "Oh, I can."
E: "30 dinars says you so much as get her to kiss you."

Rafe, feeling mighty lucky and oh so irresistible, wagers he can achieve the impossible.

RIFF RAFF

Meanwhile, back at the temple...Gabrielle gives a warm welcome to Eldon and Rafe.

G: "These are the guys who conned him (Joxer)."

Eldon takes offense, gets his britches in a bunch, and turns to leave.

G: "Wait a minute! Look at him (Joxer). You took his sword and left him defenseless. How can you just walk away?"
E: "Easy. Watch."

Xena in a surprising moment of diplomacy (or moment of uncharacteristic behavior--you decide) asks Rafe and Eldon for help by appealing to their greed.

X: "I've got a plan to take Titus for all he's worth. Help me and I'll cut you in for half."
R: "You asking?"
X: "I'm offering."
R: "We're in."

HEY BABE, WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?

Let the games begin! Rafe tries the 'Hey, I'm a nice guy. What's not to love?' approach.

R: "All right, correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling you don't like me much."
X: "Not true. I don't like you at all."

Ouch! Undaunted, Rafe tries the 'Gee, I'm not a heartless bastard, I'm really a sensitive soul'. (insert puppy eyed look)

R: "Look, Xena, I'm sorry for our part in this. I swear, we would never have fleeced your friend had we known how it was going to go down. Believe me."
X: "Thanks. I'll tell you what I believe. I believe that you bet your buddy that you could score with me and that this whole line of bull is you trying to win a bet you can only lose."

The boy is busted. Xena shoots him down not once, but twice--mayday, mayday!

I'M GONNA GET MEDIEVAL ON YOUR ASS

Xena and Gabrielle go to Titus' casino; they introduce themselves and instead of shaking hands, Xena grabs Titus by the throat. The grrls proceed to play good cop bad cop (or, as I prefer to call it, mad dog and master).

X: "By the gods, it would be so easy just to--"
G: "Xena!"
X: "No, no killing is too good for scum like you. I'm gonna take you down piece by piece until there's nothing left. Not your club, your money, your pride--not even your stinkin' ruby. I'll take it all and I'm gonna love every minute of it."
T: "Look, I don't know what your angle is, but everybody's got a price. What's yours?"
X: "Everything. And there's nothing you can do to stop me."

TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE!

Gabrielle is in the mood...in the mood to give Xena a hard time about a certain pretty boy con.

G: "So, you and Rafe, huh? He's not too bad is he?"
X: "You mean for someone who makes his money cheating others out of theirs? Yeah, he's a prince."
G: "I didn't say he was perfect, but you saw him with Joxer. You have to admit, he's smart, he's funny, he's handsome--"
X: "Arrogant and self centered."
G: "Your typical bad boy. Just your type."

WAIT, I CHANGED MY MIND

G: "Now you're starting to talk like him."
X: "Who?"
G: "Who do you think? Rafe."
X: "Thought you liked him."
G: "I did like him, at first. I think that your gut instinct was right."
X: "What changed your mind about him?"
G: "I don't trust him, Xena. Like you said, he's a con man. A guy like that is always on the make."
X: "This is about the bet isn't it?"
G: "You know about that?"
X: "Enough to assure you that Rafe knows he can't win."

XENA: WARRIOR EXHIBITIONIST

Xena has never been shy or modest about her body or nudity. As she and Rafe change into their scam disguises, Rafe gets an eyeful of the Warrior Princess.

R: "Holy Hera."

While he thinks of a way to nonchalantly cross his legs, Xena is all business; she disrobes and dresses with indifferent, finger snapping, gimme me that now efficiency.

X: "We're pushing time, you got a problem?"
R: "Uh, clearly not."
X: "Good, then hand me that hat."
R: "What do you say?"
X: "Or else?"

SLEIGHT OF CLEAVAGE

Xena, Gabrielle, and Rafe fake an accident and lure Leo into The Ruby Scam.

X: "Here, I'll show you. Give me your valuables."
L: "Why?"
X: "Because if they're all together they're easier to hide. C'mon, he's dying already! Now watch." *puts on a show and stuffs Leo's valuables down her bodice* "See how simple?"
L: "For you, but I don't happen to own a pair of those."
X: "Then lower your sights."

DO THE HUSTLE

X: "Here's the deal, you and me go head to head in a single game of cards. Winner takes all."

Titus, overconfident, accepts the offer--with Rafe dead and Eldon's help, he thinks Xena is ripe for the picking. The deck is shuffled. The cards are dealt. Cards are exchanged. Titus lays out his hand.

"Full boat. Warlords over heroes."

The game is a forgone conclusion in Titus' mind, until Xena displays her cards.

X: "Ah, ah, ah! Four aces."
T: "You can't, you couldn't!"
X: "Read 'em and weep."

Titus does more than that, he overturns the table and holds Gabrielle hostage. At knife point. Again.

"Anybody moves and she cashes in for good."

Well, Xena has no intention of letting Titus collect. With a chandelier swing here and a headbutt there, Xena turns the tables on Mr. Poor Loser. Sorry sucker, do not pass go.

HETERO HAZE

I am not opposed to the grrls indulging in the occasional Tootsie Pop fling, but for the love of god, choose a decent lollipop. If TPTB are gonna throw the grrls a man, then please please please make him worthy. Someone I'd switch 'teams' for (like Cecrops and Autolycus). A man who is Xena and Gabrielle's equal in intelligence, character, and personal charisma. I have a problem with men who are improbable or inappropriate choices (like Rafe and Ulysses). Besides a complete lack of sexual tension, I find Xena's interest in Rafe (a little league, low rent, small potatoes, two bit hustler) baffling. Is it pheromones? Did Bliss get hold of Cupid's arrows again? Bad boy fixation or not, has Xena learned anything? Did she not read the scroll 'Smart Women, Foolish Choices'? Perhaps Gabrielle should institute bedtime stories and enlighten the thickheaded dark mean chick (speaking of the chatty one...call me biased, but I believe Gabrielle is the only suitable and logical choice for Xena's love, affection, devotion, and fidelity).

QUIBBLES

• What is it with Xena asking Rafe and Eldon for help? I'm used to her threatening or using force. Is she actually trying Gabrielle's approach for once?
• Gabrielle held at knife point, not once, but twice!
• So Rafe has a twinge of compassion and shows his humanity by making hospital corners and short sheeting Joxer. Whoopdeedoo. At heart, he's still a selfish, self serving, opportunistic swindler.
• Is it me, or does Rafe look too young to shave?
• Rafe takes the time and trouble to gingerly hide cards in Xena's hair; moment's later, he whisks her hair aside to administer a shoulder rub. Unless he glued the cards in Xena's hair...

KIBBLES AND BITS

• The homage to Alien's (the movie) famous 'my knife, your hand, up and down like a sewing needle, faster, faster, how long before I miss the table and slash your finger?' scene.
• Xena's 'Meg, Rizzo, and Betty Boop sharing a body" voice and persona as she scams Leo for the ruby.
• The Pre-Mycenaean disco ball!
• The hip hop house music.
• Whenever Xena rolls the dice, they come to a lurching halt--did I hear the sound of skidding brakes?
• The victory growls Xena emitted when she won a toss of the dice.
• The cork popping sound effect when Xena removes Leo's valuables from her cleavage.
• Gabrielle, gimp and all, kicks butt in this ep!
• Titus' low, rumbling, whisky soaked, pack a day voice.

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Gabrielle reading thoughts and playing head games with Xena.
• The close up shot of Xena blowing on the dice before she rolls them.
• Xena acting like a Pitbull on crack as she threatens Titus and Gabrielle's 'Barbara Woodhouse ("No bad dogs!") obey or no milkbone for you' rebuke.
• Xena twirling Titus' ruby necklace with negligent impudence.
• Xena putting on her scam costume: the finger snapping; the hat snatching, trying it on, grimacing and flinging it away.
• Xena's Houdini-esque sing song 'na na na na!' ruby be gone sleight of cleavage.
• During the final fight scene, one Casino Good Fella places a bet--with his face on the roulette wheel (bap, bap, bappity, bap)--betting on red? Or black... and blue?

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

Joxer's beating.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU ROLL YOUR EYES: ONE FOR THE GIPPER

Prior to the final card game and just after Rafe has been stabbed, Xena's says: "For Rafe."

SCENES THAT REMIND ME OF MELROSE PLACE: BOOM CHICKA BOOM

Rafe helping Xena relax by giving her a shoulder massage.

I laughed, I cringed, I groaned (and not in a good way). There was no heat, no chemistry between them and the manufactured sexual tension fell flat. Even if someone threw a firecracker down their respective 'pants', I doubt that would have generated any sparks. And the dialogue--lord have mercy--right out of a soap opera, who let Aaron Spelling on the set?

R: "You are taking this con way too personal."
X: "Joxer is a friend, that makes it personal."
R: "Wrong, it makes it important. which is exactly why it's better to stay detached."
X: "Better or safer?"
R: "Smarter. Getting involved always blows things."
X: "For you, maybe. Caring keeps you focused."
R: "Too risky."
X: "I've learned that it's worth it."
R: "I've learned to play it safe."
X: "Well, that is exactly your problem. I don't play safe."

Oh Barbie! Oh Ken! Take me in your arms that don't bend at the elbow and let us make love like crazed weasels to the best of our ability with 'not anatomically correct' bodies in my Malibu Dream House! Oops, wrong pop culture reference.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

Gabrielle plays mind reader and guesses Xena's thoughts--much to her chagrin. Before the audience finds out what Xena was going to 'do' to the incapacitated Gabrielle, the Psychic Friends Session is interrupted (my imagination runs rampant speculating what 'thought' accompanied Xena's devilish grin at Gabrielle).

X: "No, you are not getting off. Your ankle is too swollen."
G: "I'm telling you, Xena, this sprain is not half as bad as the last one."
X: "The less you're on it, the faster it will heal. Besides, when we hook up with Joxer, we'll stop and make camp. It's not like him to be late."
G: "What do you want to bet he stopped to watch paint dry or the grass grow and he completely forgot, hmm? Believe me, I know Joxer almost as well as I know you."
X: "And how well is that?"
G: "Well enough to know what you're thinking most of the time. Like right now, you're thinking, "She thinks she knows me, huh? We'll see about that.""
X: "Easy guess."
G: "Ok, now you're thinking, "Oh wait, I haven't thought of anything yet." Right?"
X: "And what am I thinking now?"
G: "You wouldn't dare, not to an injured woman."

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"I want a piece of that action."

X to R: "I have many skills, most of which I use against people like you."

"Lucky nine! Mama needs a new pair of sandals."

X: "Relax, down boys. She's just taking measurements for my new office."
T: "You're new--who in Tartarus are you?"
X: "The woman who's going to own this place and everything in it."

R: "You always this focused?"
X: "That's right. You always this nosy?"

R: "Now turn around."
X: "Why?"
R: "Just do it! Zeus, I'm not going to knife you in the back."
X: "Not unless it improves the odds."

R: "You know what your problem is."
X: "No, but I'll lay odds that you're going to tell me."

T: "You still have my ruby, if not my son. I want it back."
X: "Suffer."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

"Joxer, I don't know if you can hear me, but stay with us. I mean, Xena and I, we care about you and I know it's hard to tell sometimes. You're like family to us, so don't leave, ok?"

J: "If anyone's going after Titus, it's going to be me."
G: "Joxer, if Leo or Titus saw you, they'd kill you."
J: "Not if I saw them first."
G: "What are you going to do, bleed on them? Now make sense. Joxer! Lay still or I'll restrain you."

Gabrielle: "Xena? Headed for what?"
Eldon: "Heartbreak, if she doesn't watch out."
Gabrielle: "We're talking about Xena, right?"

"We just had Leo, why didn't we keep him?"

G to E: "You would like that, wouldn't you? Just make a mess and walk away. You know, you wanted to do that from the start."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Magician ('now you see it now you don't' cleavage)
• High Roller
• Card Shark
• Mad Dog

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Mind Reader (Carnac the Great's predecessor)
• Florence Nightingale
• Damsel in Distress
• Obedience School Trainer

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

The grrls interrogate a Casino Good Fella and play good cop bad cop/mad dog and master. Xena puts the pinch on him.

X: "Tell me where Leo is."

CGF: "I don't know, he's not here."

X: "Wrong answer, meathead."

CGF: "But I'm telling the truth."

X: "Say hello to Hades, will ya?"

G: "Xena, down!"

X: "Down?"

G: "Yes."

X: *covers CGF's ears* "Here? Now?"

G: "Huh? Would you repeat the question--in Greek?"

X: *confused* "Well, last night you said--"

G: "Last night? What does...oh...wait...I, um, last night I meant _dooown_. Right now I mean down, as in calm down."

X: "Oh." *disappointed; undoes pinch and knocks out CGF*

G: "Later." *winks*

X: "Oh." *happy* "

*moment of silence as they share a smoldering look*

X: "_Dooown_, down--I don't get it."

G: "Listen to my intonation."

X: "Your what?"

G: *exasperated sigh* "My voice."

X: "What about it?"

G: "Nevermind."

DISCLAIMER

No Con Men were conned during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

All roads lead to Rome and Caesar, Julius Caesar. Xena's grudge against Mr. Divide and Conquer is still going strong--is she gonna talk or fight? Caesar's grinning and raising a goblet in cheer, Xena in a red dress wearing a sneer, intrigue, snails, attempted murder, oysters, and gladiator games--quoth Xena, "Veni, vidi, vici!"

Laura a.k.a. LaLa