SOUNDBITE SYNOPSIS

Xena is put on trial for a crime from her past; she's found guilty and sentenced to life in prison on Shark Island for the murder of an
innocent village girl, Thalassa (Xena staked her to the ground and left her at the mercy of flesh eating crabs). Unbeknownst to all, Thalassa survived the crab attack and has become the commandant of Shark Island prison. Thalassa, having lost an arm and her happy go lucky spirit, is a changed woman. Will Xena discover Thalassa is alive? Will Thalassa exact revenge on Xena? What will Gabrielle do without her tall, dark, mean, muse?

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Crime and Punishment
• The Rat Tosser of Shark Island
• Guilt Trip
• Jailbait
• Attack of the Killer Crabs
• Back On The Chain Gang
• Caged Heat
• Lockdown Ladies
• High Security Hellcats in Cellblock H
• The Penitent Penitentiary Princess
• I've Got A Bad Case Of Crabs
• Rats!

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York" becomes "Locked Up, Tied Down" as sung by Xena:

"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today,
I'm gonna be a convict-locked up, tied down,
The sins of my past, It's time to pay,
No appeals or reprieve for me--locked up, tied down"

Gene Kelly's "Singing In The Rain" becomes "Grave Digging in the Rain"as sung by Xena:

"Grave digging in the rain,
Just grave digging in the rain,
I'm muddy and wet,
With shovel in hand,
I'll bury bodies in the rain,
As I deal with my pain,
See me digging,
Grave digging in the rain"

Ike and Tina Turner's "River Deep Mountain High" becomes "Pit Is Deep, Walls Are High" as sung by Xena:

"Pit is deep, walls are high,
Rats are hungry, my oh my,
Gab's in trouble, about to die,
The warden wants to hang her high,
Pit is deep, walls are high,
Rats are hungry, my oh my,
Chakram stuck way up high,
Fling a rat, yiyiyiyiyiyi!"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Xena's studded and studly black leather warlord outfit.
• Xena bound and chained-good look, wrong context.
• Thalassa's 24/7 law 'n order leather lockdown, cross yer heart bustier.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Xena's 'Is that a potato in your gunny sack or are you just happy to see me?' cleavage shrouding, does nothing for the figure, raggedy burlap sackcloth.
• Ugh! Someone please burn Gabrielle's hippie dippy braids n beads, 'Joseph's Technicolor" silk ensemble--she resembles a Grateful Dead groupie rather than a healer.

THE TWINKIE DEFENSE

Bounty hunters want to bring Xena to justice for murder of a village girl, Thalassa. Gabrielle, queen of rationalization, tries to conjure up a plausible reason for Xena killing this young girl so long ago.

G: "Well, she was crazed or she was armed, right? There was some sort of mitigating circumstance."
X: "Gabrielle, she was innocent. She did nothing to me and I killed her because it suited my purposes. How's that for mitigating circumstances."

TRIAL AND TRIBULATION

Gabrielle, once again, acts as Xena's defense advocate before the court and does her best to convince da judge that Xena is a reformed woman.

Gabrielle: "But Xena has changed."
Judge: "And you believe in her conversion?"
G: "Yes."
J: "And she has done nothing since you've known her to question her resolve to do good?"
G: "If you're looking for perfection, we all fall short."

Gabrielle's efforts are for naught; Xena admits her guilt and the judge sentences her to life imprisonment on Shark Island.

GABBY, I DON'T FEEL FRESH

Xena is a mess-she's transposed Gabrielle's goodness and spirit onto the dead girl, Thalassa; she thinks the only way to make amends for the murder is to punish herself. In effect, Xena's guilt besmirched soul is cryin' out for a 'cleansing' (pity Massengil doesn't freshen up the soul as well).

G: "C'mon, surely what you can do outside prison will outweigh-"
X: "What? Outweigh what? Gabrielle, she was like you. She had your kind of spirit and I killed that. What can outweigh that?"
G: "Xena, if you're looking for redemption, you're not going to find it there."
X: "I'm not looking for redemption anymore. Gabrielle, we're always talking about your spiritual quest. You've said that you need something to make you feel complete. So do I."

GAB'S PLAN

Not content to sit and wile the hours away in a tavern while her number one fan pursues a myopic 'n misguided quest for penance, Gabrielle hatches a plan after befriending the former Shark Island healer.

Gabrielle: "Is there a new healer?"
Healer: "Not yet."

THIS CELL AIN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US OR FANCY MEETING YOU HERE

Until now, Ercine was the top dog dreadlocked dame of the damned and detained, but with the arrival of her old nemesis, Xena, the pecking order is about to change.

E: "Well, if it isn't Xena. Hey girls, this is the woman who put me behind bars." <snip-o-rama> "You know what I spent the last two years asking myself? How can that murdering bitch Xena send people away to be punished and you never had to pay for your crimes? That's always bothered me."
X: "Then we have something in common. It's always bothered me too."
E: "I hear you let them take you without a fight. I think that being a good girl has made you soft."
X: "I wonder if you're not right."
E: "Take her girls!"

Bad move, Ercine, cuz Xena's still tough as nails.

HEAD GAMES

The warden is a cruel and sadistic man who enjoys his job immensely. Beatings, humiliation, and making examples of troublemakers are his specialty. So far, Xena is the model prisoner, docile and co-operative; when a fellow inmate is too weak to carry iron barrels, Xena voices her opinion about the working conditions. The wardens answer: a couple punches and this:

Warden: "Now, hero, I want you to unload the wagon and line up the supplies against the wall."

For now, Xena sucks it up and does as she's told…

NOOSE ON THE LOOSE

When Xena saves little Goldilocks from a whipping, I knew Xena was about to break her self-imposed ban on butt kicking-it's about time! I love Xena's chest kick-off backflip onto the gallows, swinging a noose to clock her opponents, bustin' out of a dog pile, using a guard's body as a weapon, and finally, showing everyone the effects of repetitive knee to the face syndrome.

GUESS WHO? OR WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD

Ever since her arrival on Shark Island, Xena repeatedly spies a cloaked figure watching her through the window of the commandant's quarters. The identity of the phantom commandant is revealed when she breaks up Xena's righteous rampage.

"Release the guard at once, murderer."

*gasp* it's Thalassa! With a wooden arm prosthesis and scars upon her face.

T: "You know it would've been far better for you and me if you had killed me. Yeah, that's right, Xena. It's me, your victim, Thalassa."

TAKE A LITTLE TRIP

Thalassa and her guards escort Xena to a scenic part of the prison.

T: "Chain her like a hog ready for slaughter."

While Xena is being trussed like a turkey, Thalassa waxes psychoanalytical.

T: "You're trying to make up for all the evil things you've done. How pathetic. As if any of it could make up for what you did to me. Throw her into the pit."

FRESH MEAT

Warden: "A new healer has arrived along with the new prisoners, commandant."
Thalassa: "Well, send him in." *Gabrielle enters* "A girl. Come in. Can you heal the pain or are you a fraud like all the others?"

SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET

Gabrielle's tenure as the prison healer is a success; she's secured Thalassa's trust and can now devote her attention to finding Xena. Unfortunately, her efforts are hampered by a certain shadow-the warden.

G: "Ok, do you have to follow me around everywhere?"
W: "Commandant's orders. Wouldn't want anything to happen to her pet healer, now would we?"
G: "No, we wouldn't want that." *spies a prisoner with a broom* "Excuse me, may I borrow your broom?"
W: "Going to sweep up a little dirt?"
G: "In a manner of speaking, yes." *gives the warden a painful 'brush off' and knocks him out; she hands the broom back to the prisoner* "Thank you."

WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO?

Gabrielle discovers the pit room and Xena; unable to enter the room, she rolls the chakram towards the opening of the pit, but the weapon falls on the grate, not through it. At that moment, the guards discover Gabrielle, capture her, and take her to Thalassa for questioning.

T: "So, your friend is Xena and you must be Gabrielle. Do you know who I am?"
G: "Thalassa."
T: "What a fool I was. You know, I thought you liked me, but you're only using me to free her." <snip-o-rama> "For a moment, I was beginning to believe what you said about rediscovering the beauty of my soul."
G: "It was happening, I can see it."
T: "Gabrielle, it's over."

HANGIN' AROUND

As punishment for attempting to free Xena, Gabrielle is about to become the newest ornament to decorate the gallows. Meanwhile, down in the pit, Xena is bound and determined to rescue her sidekick. She flings a rat up to the grate, knocks the chakram free, breaks her bonds, and hightails it to daylight. Back at the gallows, the warden awaits the signal from Thalassa, but she's having a change of heart.

W: "We're waiting."
T: "I can't."
W: "I can. Do it!"

The hangman pulls the lever and Gabrielle plummets-but wait, is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Xena's chakram cutting the noose and saving Gabrielle from a severe case of fatal ropeburn.

BRAWLIN' BABES

In the midst of Gabrielle's rescue, pandemonium breaks out and Ercine takes advantage of the situation by leading the prisoners in a revolt against the guards.

E: "Kill the commandant and the prison is ours!"

Gabrielle escorts Thalassa to safety in the commandant's quarters, but their hiding place is discovered by Ercine and her grrl gang. Gabrielle opens a can of whup ass, but runs out of steam with Ercine. Before the dreadlocked dame can deal a death blow, Xena enters stage right.

The knock down, drag out fight begins: Xena's handstand kick, Ercine breaking a chair over Xena's back, Xena kick splintering another chair mid-air, Xena's spectacular flying kick that sends Ercine through a wall, across a deck, and down to the ground below, and if that wasn't enough bone crunching action--the final showdown in the prison yard in which Xena triumphs in all her bloody, dirty, bruised, burlap glory.

ISN'T IT IRONIC?

As Xena and Gabrielle recuperate in the commandant's office, Thalassa enters and addresses Xena.

T: "Now I owe my life to you. The gods certainly love playing with our fates, don't they?"
X: "Thalassa, I can't ask your forgiveness, I wronged you terribly. There's one thing I know, when I met you, you were a wonderful, loving person and if you continue to let that love be buried under bitterness and anger, evil wins."
T: "What you say-it's true. Your friend here, she helped me get back in touch with something these last few days, my soul."

HEY PRINCESS, LET'S BLOW THIS POPSTAND

Reunited and it feels so good…oops, pardon the Peaches and Herb moment, but ain't it just sweet how these two reaffirm their commitment to travel and kick butt side by side *sniff*

G: "So, how about it?"
X: "How about what?"
G: "Forgiving yourself."
X: "Gabrielle, it's not for me. But I won't let the monster that I used to be, the one sleeping so close to my heart, destroy all the good I can do now."
G: "Not as long as I'm around."

BURNING QUESTIONS

• Do crabs really feast on human flesh? Since when do crabs eat bone? How could the villagers and Xena assume crabs ate Thalassa when there was no skeleton?
• What kind of grave marker did Xena fashion? Does it have some sort of significance?
• Why did Xena carry the barrels when she could have rolled them?
• Is it a coincidence that soon after Gabrielle appeared on Shark Island more of Thalassa's cleavage appeared as well? (I think not.)
• How come Xena didn't break a bone after falling down, down, down into the pit?
• How did Thalassa survive the blood loss from an amputated limb? Why didn't she return to her village for healing? And how did she become the commandant of a women's prison? (Not your typical career path.)
• How did Xena get out of the pit? Did she fling herself up through the grate?

FAMILIAR FACES

The actor who plays da judge has also portrayed the Priest of the Temple of Demeter in "Dirty Half Dozen" and the head honcho of Amphipolis in "Sins of the Past."

QUIBBLES

• Why now? Xena's sudden, overwhelming desire to be brought to justice and punished. No one was standing in her way before. If she feels so damn guilty about her past crimes and wants to 'feel complete', then why doesn't she just turn herself in?
• How many variations of Xena-on-trial are we going to see? Boring! The territory of Xena being wrongly accused of a crime has been explored already in "The Reckoning."
• Thalassa being attacked by the crabs-were the camera shots of the crabs on her crotch reaaaaally necessary?
• Where is it written that the visual metaphor for washing away guilt and pain must involve lots of rain, mud, wet hair, clingy clothes (or lack thereof) and rain drops streaming down an upturned face (or are those tears?)-oh wait, it's in the director's handbook of cinematic cliches.
• I am oh so tired of this requisite prison cliché: the big bad sadistic warden who must make an example of the hero by beating and humiliating him/her into whimpering subservience, but fails because the hero's spirit is much too strong and in the end he/she prevails and give the mean ol' warden his comeuppance. *yawn*
• Was anyone really surprised by the reappearance of Thalassa? The hooded figure in the window screamed plot device.
• How about the subtle as bricks parallel of goodness 'n light between Gabrielle and Thalassa?
• I've accepted a lot of inconceivable physical feats by Xena (up until this point, the leap from shore to ship in The Lost Mariner took the all time prize), but the single rat toss to knock the chakram into the pit is laughable-c'mon, build the suspense a little--have Xena miss a couple times.
• Xena's 'you're smart enough, cute enough, and wonderful enough-by golly! people like you' speech directed toward Thalassa was a tad too preachy for my taste.
• Cheated! Where is the reunion hug between Xena and Gabrielle? On the cutting room floor?

KIBBLES AND BITS

• I must say, this ep is chock full of some of the best mano a mano fight scenes yet.
• Somebody on the Xenastaff must have paid attention in Philosophy 101 in order to paraphrase Plato's quote, "The life that is unexamined is not worth living."
• Dreadlock Detention Dame (Ercine) is quite a foe-she puts up more of a fight than many of the men on the show-it was a joy to watch her and Xena duke it out.
• A Victim Impact Statement in court-how forward thinking of the ancients.
• Crabs can squeal…who knew?
• Art school flashback! Thalassa's wooden hand reminds me of those wooden hand models in life drawing class.
• In this ep, I'm so happy to see Gabrielle fighting well enough to fend off most of her attackers, being resourceful, smart, and savvy. Her ruse to get onto the island and her quick read of Thalassa is gratifying to see.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Xena surrendering her chakram to Gabrielle.
• Xena and Gabrielle's 'breakin' up is hard to do farewell' on the boat dock (I thought Xena was going to take Gabrielle's hand as a souvenir the way she clung to it.)
• Sad and gross-Thalassa's bloody, amputated and picked over arm bobbing in the surf.
• Gabrielle getting whumped upside the head by the warden-when Xena finds out, he's a dead man.
• Gabrielle knocking the noggins of Ercine's grrl gang, but losing her staff and consciousness to Ercine-ouch.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

Call me crazy, but I detected an undercurrent of less than professional interest on Thalassa's part as Gabrielle tends to her scarred stump.

G: "You need to put this salve on twice a day."
T: "Will you do it for me?"

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

Oooolala! Gabrielle massaging a kink out of Xena's shoulders-be still my beating heart.

G: "I can't find it."
X: "It's there."
G: "I got it, I got it."
X: "Gabrielle, quit searching with your eyes."
G: "All right, no eyes."
X: "Found it?" *moaaaan* "Found it."
G: "I learned from the best."

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• The opening fight sequence: the mutual sizing up and counting opponents, Gabrielle's log leapin' somersault staff grab, Xena's double donkey kick, and best of all--Gabrielle's staff happy overhead 'swing battah battah sssswing'.
• Xena growling at the rats, "That's enough! Do you hear me? That's enough-get off, get off!" and breaking their necks pitbull chomp-n-shake style.
• Ercine and Xena's no hold barred grudge match--both women givin' as good as they got. Yowza!!

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

X: "I don't try to overanalyze my life like some people."
G: "Some people say the unexamined life isn't worth living."
X: "Those people haven't lived my life."

X: "Well, messenger boy, who are you and what do you want?"

Villager: "They say you don't kill unarmed women."
Evil Xena: "There's a first time for everything, old man."

Xena to the rats: "Bah! I got you good that time."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

"Where does it hurt?"

XENA'S SKILLS

• Martyr
• Packhorse
• Grave digger
• Rat tossing
• Vermin Exterminator
• Brawling

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Masseuse
• Defense Attorney
• Healer
• Jailbreaker
• Soul saver

GABRIELLE'S REJECTED PLANS TO BREAK XENA OUT OF PRISON

1. Bake a loaf of nutbread with a file in it and send it to Xena.
2. Create a diversion by dressing Autolycus in drag as a wanton, good-to-go barmaid; place him in the midst of all the deprived, sex deprived inmates and guards; and while everyone is distracted, rescue Xena (note to self: shave off Autolycus' chest and facial hair first-no bearded ladies.)
3. Find one of Xena's numerous look alikes and switch places.
4. Dress up as a giant, talking land shark: run amok on the prison grounds, threaten to eat everyone in sight unless the prison management throws the tastiest, tallest, darkest looking mean chick of a morsel your way.

HAIKU! BLESS YOU

Xena's quite cranky,
Shark Island doesn't allow,
Conjugal visits.

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Gabrielle plays healer and tends to Xena's prison injuries; Gabrielle, once again, begins to massage the kinks out of Xena's prone body.

G: "That's one heck of a knot you've got there."
X: "It's nothin' compared to the one below it."
G: *moves her hands lower* "This one?"
X: "Um, it's a little lower"
G: "How's this?"
X: "Gabrielle, feel for it, don't look for it. I'm, er, you're getting warmer."
G: "Warmer, eh?
X: "Yep, could you go lower? Almost got it."
G: *leans down and whispers in Xena's ear* "Got it?"
X: *sigh* "Mmmm, not quite."
G: *moves her hands even lower*
X: *low satisfied moan* "Found it."
G: *coy* "Why Xena, are trying to seduce me?"
X: "Is it working?"
G: "Yes."

DISCLAIMER

No rabid, flesh eating crabs were cooked during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Two's company and three's a crowd. A preachy, peaches n cream dome-headed dame of redemption clashes with a cynical Warrior Princess and charms a gullible Gabrielle. Flying arrows! Hurled insults! Love fest or bitch fest? Turn it on and tune in!

LaLa