Something wicked this way comes.

My what a dark little hour. I am so passionately ambivalent about Maternal Instincts. I love it for the compelling and tragic story, the tour de force acting of Lucy, Renee, and Hudson, yet I hate it for killing off Solan and his budding relationship with Xena, and thoroughly gutting Xena and Gabrielle's beautiful and loving friendship. I don't see how a little song and dance (Bitter Suite) will reconcile these grrls. Some actions, no matter how well intentioned, are unforgivable; some people do not give trust a second chance once it's been broken. I would like to blame the entire mess on Gabrielle's terminal, naive, poor decision skills inducing 'Polly Anna rose colored glasses I'll believe the best of everyone' attitude, but I can't. Xena kicked off the whole shebang by giving in to her hatred for Caesar and dragging Gabrielle to Britannia--so, truth be told, both gals shoulder the blame equally.

Silly me, I thought the events in The Deliverer, Gabrielle's Hope, and Debts 1 & 2 were more than Rift worthy. Turns out they were mere child's play. TPTB mentioned wanting to deconstruct the heroes and they've done a great job--perhaps too good, because I cannot see how Xena and Gabrielle will ever be as close as they were before. *sigh* I'm so depressed, and wouldn't ya know, I'm all out of Prozac.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• The Bitch is Back
• You Always Hurt the One You Love
• Under My Thumb
• Secrets and Lies
• Devil in a Rag Dress
• A Very Bad Hair Day

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

The Eurythmics' "Would I Lie to You?" as sung by Gabrielle:

"Would I lie to you,
Would I lie to you Xena?
Now you know I didn't kill Hope--it's true,
I'm surprised she's alive as well, who knew?"

Linda Rondstadt's "You're No Good" becomes "They're No Good" as sung by Xena:

"Feeling lousy now that Gab's lied,
Feeling sad now that my son has died,
Callisto and Hope have gone too far,
I'm madder than hell and declaring war,
They're no good, They're no good,
I know they're no good."

Elvis' "Little Sister" becomes "Little Demon" as sung by Gabrielle:

"Little Demon don't you,
Little Demon don't you,
Little Demon don't you fool me once or twice,
And act all sweet n' nice then kill for fun,
Little Demon don't you do what your daddy Dahak done."

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Ephiny's Amazon outfit: love the bead work on the neckpiece and bra top.
• Gabrielle's cloak: the jaunty carefree off the shoulder pose never looked so good.
• Callisto as pincushion: Pre-Mycenaean body piercing? Perhaps a crude attempt at acupuncture or porcupine impersonation?
• The Centaur with a nipple ring. Kinky.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Xenan's curly cue hair--Ephiny, give that boy a good brushing will ya?
• Hope's negative attitude.
• Hope's dry, scarecrow-ish 'put a bag over your head' hair.
• Hope's mismatched Rags R Us clothes, bleck! Dahak may be Big Daddy Evil, but he can't be all that powerful if he can't dress Hope properly. Image is everything. I think Dahak's Kingdom should be renamed The Kingdom of the Fashion Damned.

CONTINUITY KUDOS

The same actor who played Solan in Orphan of War is back again and, my oh my how he's grown.

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR: COFFEE TALK

Ephiny and Gabrielle sit down for a chat over cups of General Foods International Coffee (Irish Creme). Gabrielle spills the beans about the trip to Britannia and the events that followed:

G: "I had a child."
E: "A child? Where? Who's the father?"
G: "A girl, Britannia, in a barn, Dahak."
E: "Who is Dahak?"
G: "Uh, some evil force. He's not very nice, at least I think it's a he. I'm not sure..."
E: "Whoa. You don't know or you don't remember getting pregnant, which is it?"
G: "Well, I didn't know until later that I was pregnant."
E: "Gabrielle, were you drinking?"
G: "No!"
E: "Are you sure? You can confide in me, there's no need to be embarrassed. We all have our moments of raging hormones, don't ask don't tell, shake the rafters, grrls gotta have it, one night--"
G: "Ephiny, I did not jump a stable boy."
E: *mutters under breath* "Lucky stable boy, cuz if Xena found out..."
G: "What?"
E: "Nothing! Where was Xena?"
G: "She was there."
E: "Wait a minute, Xena was in the same room while you were unknowingly impregnated."
G: "Yes."
E: "Good gods, this is too weird."
G: "That's not the half of it."
E: "You mean there's more?"
G: "Yeah, instead of 9 months, I was pregnant for a day or so."
E: "A day!"
G: "A day."
E: "That's highly unusual."
G: "That's what Xena said. She also said my child, Hope, was evil."
E: "Evil? Why would she think that?"
G: "Well, there were these three women, Banshees actually, they followed me everywhere. Touching me, telling me they loved me and insisting I
ditch Xena--"
E: "I can see why Xena was upset."
G: "Oh, she didn't like those Banshees one bit, kept threatening to slap them silly, it got real ugly."
E: "How ugly?"
G: "Xena tried to kill Hope."
E: "Your baby? I'm so confused, why?"
G: "Xena accused Hope of strangling a Knight and worried my child would hurt me. So, before Xena could kill Hope, I put her in a basket and sent
her down river. I lied and told Xena Hope had died."
E: "What a mess!" *pause* "Xena has no idea?"
G: "None."
E: "Gabrielle, you better hope she never finds out."
G: "I know, Ephiny, I didn't know what else to do."
E: "What is it with you two? Always so much drama! Can't you have a normal, quiet, low key month? Gaea my head hurts, I need a drink."
G: "And if that wasn't bad enough, now Xena and I, we don't....anymore. Xena's been drinking more since we got back, and when I try to, uh, you know, get close to her, well, no matter what I do--and believe me I've tried just about everything, Xena's too drunk to--"
E: "Gabrielle, you're oversharing. Drink your coffee."

BURNING QUESTIONS

• How did Hope know about Solan?
• Why wasn't Gabrielle the least bit suspicious that Hope grew from an infant into a pre-pubescent child in two months?
• Why didn't Ephiny follow up with more questions after hearing what happened to Gabrielle in Britannia?
• What the heck was sticking Callisto with a bunch of arrows supposed to accomplish?
• Is Hope really dead?
• Is Callisto really trapped for good in the Ixion Caverns?
• What happened to Gabrielle's wooden lamb?
• Why didn't Xena sing at the funeral?
• What was Xena going to say to Gabrielle, but couldn't vocalize?
• Can this marriage be saved?

QUIBBLES

• How did Xena and Gabrielle travel from Britannia to Greece, to China, and back to Greece within two months?
• No chakram action whatsoever.
• Ephiny was little more than Amazon window dressing/a plot device.
• Callisto's inelegant finger pointing (the prelude to power pyrotechnics).

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Xena's proud parent teasing, noogie reunion with Solan.
• Gabrielle's Pavlovian wince reaction to the word 'Hope.'
• Gabrielle cheating, again, in a foot race with Solan.
• Lucas the toy wolf.
• Xena giving Solan a friendly shoulder shove after convincing him to do as Kaleipus says.
• The malevolent way Hope says "Bye bye, mommy."
• Callisto leaning into Xena's sword, which is pressed against her throat, as she taunts Xena.
• Callisto's contemptuous tone as she says, "Gabrielle" (reminds me of Seinfeld saying, "Hello, Newman").
• The moment Gabrielle catches Hope in a lie and realizes she may not be sugar, spice, and all things nice.
• Xena's barely controlled rage as she faces down Callisto with bow and arrow.
• SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN
• The whole damn ep.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

H: "You'll get your chance. Why do you think I freed you?"
C: "To make her (Xena) suffer?"
H: "To make her stop. My father's kingdom is at hand, the age of darkness when Dahak will snuff out the people Xena loves until he's crushed her very soul. And as she goes, so goes the world."

I know Xena influences history on a regular basis, but if I understand Hope correctly, is Xena responsible for the fate of mankind as well? No pressure there!

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

This ep is anti-subtext--no more hugs and kisses! R.I.P. to the subtext and friendship between Xena and Gabrielle.

SAID THE SPIDER TO THE FLY

G: "No, wait, wait, Xena has to know this."
H: "No, Xena hates me!"
G: "She doesn't hate you, she just doesn't understand. Now she will see what I've known all along. That you can fight your dark side just like her."
<snip o rama>
G: "I will take you to the safest place there is until we can go."
H: "The safest place? You promise?"
G: "I cross my heart."

AND THE WALLS CAME TUMBLIN' DOWN

C: "Dead end."
X: "You got that right. It all ends with me."
C: "You don't seem to get it do you? You've won. All these years I've spent living to destroy you, thinking that only if I could give you the same pain that you gave me I'd be rid of it and life would go on. And then I do and nothing changes. I don't feel better, just empty. So you let me go, Xena, you can't win this battle when you've already won the war."
X: "It's not that simple, I won't let it be."
*Xena starts whuppin' ass*
C: "I'm warning you Xena, you're nothing to me now."
X: "You're breaking my heart."
*Xena continues whuppin'*
C: "Walk away."
X: "Go to Tartarus!"
*Xena goads Callisto to use her powers and weaken the cavern walls, which collapse around them*
C: "You'll trap us both. That's your plan, to trap me here while my pain keeps growing and growing and you die and yours ends."
X: "You're wrong, Callisto. You let your pain kill you years ago. I'm going to live with mine."

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Callisto's sensuous, catlike stretch after she's freed from the lava.
• Callisto's Mommie Dearest moment brushing Hope's hair.
• Callisto giving Xena a warm welcome (fire between the legs--quite the attention getter) as they reacquaint themselves once again.
• Callisto listening to Xena's screams of anguish: a look of greedy gloating glee which quickly turns to dissatisfied, hollow 'is that all there is?' victory.
• Callisto's 'where the heck did that arrow come from?' expression and the ensuing arrow ambush.
• Callisto catching Xena's sword bare handed, disarming, and batting her away.
• Xena and Callisto's knock down, drag out, no holds barred, free for all fight (almost as good as Linda Evans and Joan Collins' Dynasty Bitch Battle Royal); whereas previous encounters had an edge of flirtation, this melee is winner take all--the only kissing will be the kiss of death. Xena is punching, backhanding, head butting, kicking, kneeing the crotch, and choking Callisto with abandon.

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR: THE CHILD AIN'T RIGHT

Gabrielle does her best to convince Xena that Hope is not evil, just misunderstood:

X: "We need to talk about Hope. I found a small effigy of myself stuck with pins in Hope's lunch box."
G: "Oh, it's not what you think, it's a craft project, not a voodoo doll."
X: "What about the books I found under her bed, hmm? 7 Easy Steps to Destroying Hopes and Dreams, Evil Thoughts Anthology, and How To Be a Daughter of Darkness?"
G: "I told you, those are for her book report."
X: "Uh huh, then how do you explain the tattoos? 666 on her forehead and the words Hate and Pain tattooed on her knuckles?"
G: "It's that Callisto girl at school, picking on poor Hope and writing those mean words on her."
X: "But they don't wash off. Care to explain the Pentagrams drawn in the margins of your scrolls?"
G: "She's just doodling."
X: "Doodling? Gabrielle, horses, trees, bunny rabbits, and stars are doodles, Pentagrams are not."
G: "Xena, really, you are making something out of nothing."
X: "Oh I am, am I? Well, Miss Rationalization, help me wrap my head around these personality quirks. Why do classmates call her The Bad Seed?"
G: "Kids can be so cruel."
X: "Why is her only friend that green puke spewing, 360 degree head spinning demon possessed child down the street?"
G: "Hope's shy. She has difficulty making friends."
X: "Why do we have such a hard time finding babysitters--literally? By the time we get home, the babysitter is nowhere to be found--ever again."
G: "It's so hard to find good help these days."
X: "Did you know Hope transformed a classmate, who taunted, "Hey Hope, what crawled on your head and died?" into a pig?"
G: "Urban myth."
X: "Where have all the pets in the neighborhood gone?"
G: "Well, Falafel Man lives down the street. His Falafel tastes awfully gamey these days."
X: "Gab, wake up and smell the Nutbread."
G: "Xena, quit over-reacting and stop entertaining these paranoid plots. Everyone is not out to get you."
X: "You aren't the Queen of the Amazons, Gabrielle, you are the Queen of Denial!"

HOPE LESS

H to X: "She told me to tell you that she knows your little secret and she's gonna take it to the grave."

H: "You have to get me out of here. Leave me now and join the rest of your puny gods when Dahak destroys them. Lose everything I promised, everything Dahak brings."

C: "Well, what is a little more time and when you're well, we'll obliterate them all."

H: "No. Better to crush their dreams, destroy their future. We'll kill what they love most--their children."

CALLISTO'S CATTY-ISMS

"Child. I always wanted a child."

"Just sending a message to an old friend."

"That's for me to know and you to find out."

C: "I came here to meet your precious little son, Solan, isn't it? Flesh of your flesh, bone of your bone, blood of your blood--can't wait to see all that."
X: "Hurt my son and I swear by any god you name I'll--"
C: "You'll do what? Gonna make my life a living hell? Old hat dear" *flings Xena away* "you did that years ago when you barbecued my family. But now it's my turn to host the cookout."

"Solan dear, come meet your Auntie Callisto."

"Clever you."

"Hurts doesn't it? Losing your family. Rips out your heart, your guts, your feelings until all that's left is the pain, right? Welcome to the club."

"Like to kill me? Wish you could."

"Stupid fools. I'm doing you a favor."

"Come out, come out wherever you are. I promise it won't hurt...much."

CALLISTO THE CAREER GRRL

It's safe to say, if Callisto didn't have the goddess gig and were looking for a job, she's definitely ill-suited for the following professions:

• Welcome Wagon
• Hairdresser
• Child Care Worker
• Bereavement Counselor
• Customer Service/Complaints/Refunds and Returns

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"One year, two months, and twelve days, but who's counting?"

"Solan, you dirty rat!"

G: "Poison? Xena she is my child!"
X: "She is not a child! She is a body, a vessel, and instrument for evil that is all."

"Get out."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

"While we were there, I, uh, got into a very bad situation."

"I had a child and she died. I named her Hope, that's what she was. She was my hope that despite everything that happened, this child was worth it all."

"That is a lie. You are not evil. Never believe that."

X: "What makes you think you can trust this child?"
G: "What makes you think that we can't?"
G: "Xena, you were always so quick to blame her, weren't you? Well, she is not evil, she's not."
X: "Hope? The child is Hope?"
G: "I'm sorry, I never meant to lie. Xena, I couldn't kill her, she's my daughter."

"I love you Xena."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Noogies
• Body Piercing
• Bare Knuckled Brawling
• Entombing Goddesses
• Holding a Grudge

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Blindly Loyal Mother
• Bartender (makes a killer Kool Aid cocktail)
• Mercy Killing
• Shouldering Guilt

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR: FUNNY, IT ALWAYS WORKED BEFORE

Whenever Gabrielle has made Xena very, very angry, she only needed to say four words:

X: "Gabriiiielle, you've got some s'plaining to do. Why did you sell Salmoneous my chakram so he could auction it off as fertility object? What do you have to say for yourself?"
G: "I love you Xena." *gives an innocent puppy eyed look*
X: "Oh, ok."
*Xena and Gabrielle kiss and make up*

X: "Gabriiiielle, you've got some s'plaining to do. Why have my leathers been cut up and made into purses and why was my mother sold off to Kathie Lee Gifford as sweatshop labor? What do you have to say for yourself?"
G: "I love you Xena." *sniffling, tear rolling down her cheek*
X: "Oh, ok."
*Xena and Gabrielle kiss and make up*

X: "Gabriiiielle, you've got some s'plaining to do. Why did you sell Argo to Chuckles the Birthday Clown's Western Round-up Kiddie Pony Rides? What do you have to say for yourself?"
G: "I love you Xena." *clings to Xena and sobs*
X: "Oh, ok."
*Xena and Gabrielle kiss and make up*

DISCLAIMER

Xena and Gabrielle's relationship was harmed during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Xena and Gabrielle engage in a little musical marriage counseling to work out their 'Issues.' A sing-a-long lover's spat (just follow the bouncing bard). It's wanky Wagnerian 'Symbolism' you can dance to! Peace vs. War, Blond vs. Brunette, Sword vs. Scythe, and plenty of silly headgear. Toot Sweet? No, Bitter Suite!

LaLa