One Against An Army

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

It's so nice to have another episode where Xena and Gabrielle tease, bicker, and bond. Heck, who needs a plot? I'll gladly watch these two sit around playing Tiddly Winks; Xena and Gabrielle's relationship captivates me as much as any story or fight scene. Granted, the circumstances are not ideal; Gabrielle is poisoned and Xena must find an antidote while impeding an advancing army of land hungry Persians. One Against An Army is a nice character study 'breather' after so many action 'n angst filled Rift eps. I was in dire need of a touchy feely fix and OAAA is emotional smack for this sentimental fool.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

My Left Foot
Between a Bard and a Hard Place
Mission Impossible
Stand by your Bard

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

ABC's "Poison Arrow" as sung by Gabrielle:

"If I get in trouble, you know it's expected,
I find a way to defy Xena's directive,
Am I cursed or unlucky I just don't know,
Something tells me that wasn't Cupids Arrow,

Who drew the bow? The Persians Persians,
Wish I had 20/20, vision vision,
I can hear Xena, cursing cursing,
Shoot that poison arrow through my back,
Shoot that poison arrow--ack!"

Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" becomes "Kick Butt" as sung by Xena:

"Sittin' here sharpenin' my sword and waitin',
Waiting for some Persians to call,
The dark mean chick is ready to rumble,
I'm not gonna let Athens fall,

Lookin' to kick butt, hand me a truncheon,
I need to kick butt, release aggression,
I want to kick butt, have I mentioned?
Gotta pound some Persians,
Gotta kick butt, I wanna fight!"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

Was it the lighting? The breeze? Gabrielle looked absolutely radiant during her gymnastics demonstration.
Gabrielle's intricate and colorful Amazon belt.
Xena creatively accessorizing her leatherwear by draping a bard over her shoulder.
The Warrior Princess' post-melee, tousled hair, dewy, flushed, smattering of wounds look.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

The Persian's round, pointy hats--reminiscent of a exaggerated chrome 50's hubcap.
Gabrielle's sickly, sweaty, raccoon eyes, death warmed over pallor.

BURNING QUESTIONS

Was this ep shown out of order? Comments by Gabrielle make me think it should have followed The Debts and preceded Maternal Instincts.
What else is Gabrielle carrying in her BGSB?
Is Gabrielle unlucky or damned? During the course of a day, she sprains an ankle *and* takes an arrow in the back.
Now that Gabrielle's BGSB is soiled and torn, will she fix it or buy a new one?
Did Argo really listen to Xena and run away? If so, how long did it take Xena to locate Argo?
Gabrielle's gift of prophecy, is it for real or a one off deal?

WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN

Gabrielle learns two important lessons as she executes flips under Xena's watchful, if impatient eye: gravity hurts and pride comes before the fall.

X: "Terrific. Now can we head to Thessaly before you hurt yourself?"
G: "No, no, no, wait," *removes a Xena dollie from cleavage and demonstrates* "You see, I've worked out the mechanics--the speed, trajectory, and finally, the arc of the spin."
X: "Good. What's the point?" *grabs doll and examines it*
G: "Your flip. Basically, I've broken it down into its relatively simple steps."
X: "Oh yeah?" *begins to chew on doll* "What foot do I start on?"
G: *reclaims and returns doll to BGSB* "Don't confuse me. This time, no staff. Watch."
X: "Gabrielle, before I tried the flip without the staff, I made 300 attempts with it."
G: "Slow learner, huh Xena? I had that problem with basket weaving."
X: "It's the right foot, but I'd rather you didn't."
G: "It's not like it's gonna kill me. Let me try it one time, ok? That's all I need, one time." *warms up and begins flip*
X: "Wrong foot."
*Gabrielle lands badly and ends up flat on her back*

BRUISED EGO AND WOUNDED PRIDE

Gabrielle's ankle is obviously hurt, but she stubbornly rebuffs Xena's requests to examine it.

G: "I'm telling you, my ankle is fine."
X: "C'mon, let me take a look at it, don't let pride get in the way. You tried something and you failed--it happens." *grasps Gabrielle's' foot*
G: "Ow!"
X: "Good thing it's nothing serious." *squeezes ankle*
G: "That doesn't hurt."
X: "Already too swollen, huh?"
G: *pulls her foot from Xena's hand* "I'll walk it off."
X: "I'm not going to tell you you shouldn't have tried that flip."
G: "You'll work it in."
X: "Gabrielle look out! Hit the dirt!" *throws chakram and slices open Gabrielle's boot*
G: "Agh! Why do you do that?"
X: "A new theory on testing for sprains--elevation and ice cold water."
G: "Yeah? Well, I'm not very thirsty."
X: "Sit down."
G: "Now you owe me a nice pair of boots."

THE SKY IS FALLING!

While Xena tends Gabrielle's ankle, they are approached by a Marathon man. He tells them to 'run for your lives, an army is sweeping through Greece.' Xena ascertains the invading army is Persian, viscous foreigners who will "swarm through this land like man eating locusts." If the Persians reach Athens, then Greece will fall. Xena sends the runner ahead to warn the Athenians.

G: "What are we going to do?"
X: "Stop them."
<snip o rama>
G: "Two against an army?"
X: "No, an army against a landslide that you and I cause thereby sealing it (the pass at Thermopylae) off."
Gabrielle is still a bit sketchy on the details of Xena's plan.
G: "We? As in you and me? The two of us?"
X: "As in you, me, and the Tripolis militia."
G: "Oh, that we."

THAT THING YOU DO

G: "Xena, what about the thing you did in China? You know, that power that you had, it cold destroy an entire army."
X: "I wish I could still call it up, but it took a purity of essence that, well, it's gone now."

I SMELL A RAT

On the way to Tripolis, Xena and Gabrielle are ambushed by a sword wielding soldier. Nonplused by his threat and annoyed at the delay, Xena disarms him quickly. She then interrogates soldier boy and discovers the wound on his back.

X: "Did you get that running from battle?"
S: "Spartans don't run."
X: "Oh, I know. They fight to the death." *examines his sword* "Not a nick on it. You're a deserter aren't you?"
S: "No, no, I swear on my father's life!"
X: "Oh, a coward and a liar. Your father must be proud."

Xena offers soldier boy a chance to redeem his lily liver soul by helping them fight the Persians. He's not interested until Gabrielle mentions Xena has a plan. Xena confirms her suspicions as they travel and converse; soldier boy unknowingly reveals himself to be a Persian spy, not a Spartan.

TROUBLE IS MY MIDDLE NAME

Xena senses a group Persian soldiers laying in wait and tells Argo to take Gabrielle to safety.

G: "I can still fight."
X: "Don't argue with me. I'll explain later."

The Persians attack and as Xena handily kicks butt, soldier boy does nothing but watch. Gabrielle approaches and tells him to snap out of it, prodding him firmly in the backside with her boot. During their retreat, Gabrielle is hit in the back with an arrow.

PLAYING DOCTOR

Xena makes preparations to remove the arrow as soldier boy bemoans his shortcomings and apologizes profusely.

X: "Go and do something useful. Make a fire."
*Xena's girds for the unenviable task of pushing the arrow through Gabrielle's body*
X: "Gabrielle, this is going to be painful."
G: "It's not that bad." *Xena snaps off part of arrow* "Ow!" *Xena pushes the arrow partially through Gabrielle's chest* "Ahhh, that's enough."
X: "Oh no, no." *pulls arrow from Gabrielle's chest*
G: *screams in pain* "Oh, I hardly felt a thing." *Xena sniffs the arrowhead* "What is it?"
X: "Poison."

DOC, HOW BAD IS IT?

Gabrielle asks Xena how serious her predicament is; Xena gives her a reassuring smile and predicts with the aid of serum available in Tripolis, Gabrielle will be as good as new.

X: "By tomorrow, you'll be trying those flips again--with a staff."

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS?

Xena and Gabrielle reach Tripolis (minus soldier boy, whom Xena uses to further her plan) and discover the local militia razed the town. Not a soul in sight. Xena searches the healer's hut and comes up with a shard of what was the serum bottle, she flings it away in disgusted frustration.

G: "No serum, no militia...you know, Xena, they say bad things come in threes, how about that armory, huh?"

WELCOME TO XENA'S PLAYHOUSE

Xena's 'save it for a rainy day' planning pays off. Her secret armory and weapons cache is still intact.

X: "Not too shabby for three years. I hid these here in case I ever had another army. Didn't think I'd ever need them again."
G: "Didn't know I qualified as an army."

SENSITIVE CHAT #1: I DON'T WANNA BE YOUR BARD OF BURDEN

G: "Xena, in case this poison starts spreading faster, I do have a last request."
X: "Can you tell me about it later--years from now when we're old and gray?"
G: "Ah, that's funny. Really, after you slow down the Persians, if I can't make it, I want you to save yourself. I don't want to be a burden to you."
X: "I can't promise that."
G: "We're all going to die eventually."
X: "Not today."

SENSITIVE CHAT #2: DAMMIT GABRIELLE, YOU'RE A BARD, NOT A MARTYR

Repeatedly, Xena tries to plead, bully, and persuade Gabrielle to let her take them to Thessaly for the serum and then return and fight the Persians.

X: "I am not going to let you die. I can still get you to Thessaly and the antidote."
G: "And then what? What happens to Athens? What's my life worth then?"
X: "First things first."
G: "The first thing is the greater good, you taught me that. You taught me that there are things in life worth dying for, things that hold a higher meaning than our own existence."
X: "Not your existence."
G: "Why? Because I'm your friend?"
X: "Yes."
G: "Then honor my memory. We both know that I'm right. This is right. Xena, promise me, promise me you will not leave this battle because of me."

SENSITIVE CHAT #3: WHY CAN'T I BE YOU?

Gabrielle, in the throes of a poison induced fever, reverts to her 'Sins of the Past' self.

G: "Xena."
X: "Yes."
G: "You've got to take me with you. Teach me everything you know. You can't leave me here in Poteidaia. I want to go with you. I've studied the stars, spoken with philosophers, and I have the gift of prophecy. I can be very valuable to you. Take me with you, I want so much to be like you."
X: "And I want to be like you."

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

Gabrielle has a horrible, violent dream foreshadowing Xena's death at the hands of a Persian assassin. She awakens with a panicked start; as the dream fades, Gabrielle realizes Xena is alive and well, slumbering alongside her. Gabrielle looks relieved, yet pensive while she gently strokes Xena's hair.

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

This ep is a tender vittles fest: loving looks, hugging, and hair stroking. As if that wasn't enough sensory overload, Xena and Gabrielle were professing love and affection. The only thing missing was a kiss; mind you, not a 'suck the chrome off a trailer hitch' kind of kiss, but a nice, gentle buss.

Gabrielle tries to help Xena accept the inevitability of the situation.

G: "I know that I am going to die. I accept that, why can't you? A long time ago, I accepted the consequences of our life together. That it might one day come to this. It has. I'm not afraid."
X: "You always said I was the brave one, look at you now. If this is to be our destiny, let's see it out together. Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you."

Gabrielle plays the martyr and tells Xena to stop fussing and wasting her time treating the arrow wound.

G: "Oh please, don't bother with that. I can't fight, I can't be of any help to you, so please, I'm only distracting you."
X: "But you're my source, Gabrielle. When I reach down inside myself and do things I'm not capable of, it's because of you. Don't you know that by now?"

Xena makes final battle preparations and moves Gabrielle to the armory's loft.

G: "Just be careful."
X: "Always looking our for me, huh?"
G: "Always." *Xena turns to go* "Xena, about China. I hope you know I never meant to hurt you. I only did what I thought was right."
X: "Gabrielle, that's all in the past. All I want is to be with you right now. You're my best friend, my family. I love you Gabrielle."
G: "I love you Xena."
X: "Until the other side then, we'll be together."
G: "Until then."

KNOCK KNOCK, WHO'S THERE?

Well, it sure ain't Avon. The armory fight scene is one of the best to date--complex, creative, and intimate; I rank it right up there with the Draco showdown (Sins of the Past) and the ladder fight (Callisto). Xena invokes the 'kill 'em all' spirit and uses her vast repertoire of dirty little tricks to raise hell and wreck havoc.

The chakram cuisinart, whether it was giving an airborne face lift (nip 'n tuck) or a hand held close shave (slice 'n dice) to Persians, the round killing thing was cookin' up a storm.
The hot oil treatment and fire breathing.
Xena's 50 yard 'tip toe on your head, frontal lobe massage with my boot, laughing all the way' dash.
Xena's 'you spin me right round, back on the chain gang' mace in the face.
The floor through roof leap.
Xena's 'down for the count--psych!' break dance spin maneuver that propels her into full tilt pugilist, fists of fury, I don't need no stinkin' weapons' mode.
The pole vault metronome kangaroo kick bounce.

DERVISH OF DESTRUCTION

Xena and the Persians reach a bit of a stalemate and she takes the opportunity to bluff.

"Go home, there are thousands more like me!"

The Persians, given the choice of continuing the fight or hightailing it out of Greece, choose to leave. (Personally, I hardly think the Persians would have completely withdrawn from Greece after Xena's warning. Then again, the mere thought of running into more pissed off, homicidal leather clad women isn't something I'd eagerly seek out).

WORKIN' MY WAY BACK TO YOU, BARD

After tenderizing and pulverizing plenty of Persian flank steak, Xena secures a bottle of serum and climbs into the loft.

X: "Hey, Gabrielle, can you hear me?"
G: "Are we dead?"
X: "No. Here, drink this."
*Gabrielle swallows the antidote and Xena collapses in a sweaty, tuckered out, bruised heap next to her.*
G: "I thought you said those guys were tough?"
X: "Must've caught them on an off day."
G: "You're hurt."
X: " No, I'm all right. You just get some sleep, we'll be heading out in a few hours."
G: "Xena?"
X: "Hmm?"
G: "When we get to Thessaly, you still owe me a pair of boots."

QUIBBLES

The Persians are awfully light skinned.
The shot of the Persians on horseback galloping across the dunes--where did this Lawrence of Arabia moment come from?
Laurel...Tripolis...these towns all look the same.
This ep could be viewed as a rehash role reversal of the Greater Good.

KIBBLES AND BITS

The panning shot from Gabrielle's left hand, across the expanse of her fab abs (belly button!), to her right hand.
Gabrielle's hand clenching, head rolling, shoulder shrugging, foot prancing warm up.
The first ever Xena dollie (slapdash and primitive--love the hair).
Gabrielle's method of storage is...cozy.
Xena using her miniature likeness as a chewtoy/toothpick.
Gabrielle teasing Xena about being a 'slow learner'.
Xena's 'so you tried and it failed, told you so' grin behind Gabrielle's back.
Argo has a brand on her right shoulder, looks like a 2 and an 8.
Gabrielle is revealed, once again, as The Source; first, for the Banshees and now for Xena--popular grrl.
Xena attempting to harness her chi to no avail and kicking the jar in frustration.
Xena caressing Persian spy/soldier boy's face with a poison arrow after sticking him with it.
Is it me? When Xena yelled, "That's right, crawl! Crawl for your stinking life." I had a sudden flash of LL's Esquire photo (the black lingerie and fuzzy ended riding crop).
Xena and Gabrielle clasping hands.
Xena working up a sweat *and* needing a nap after battle.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

Gabrielle pierced by an arrow.
Xena pushing the arrow through Gabrielle's chest and cauterizing the wound.
Gabrielle succumbing to the poison.
Gabrielle's premonition nightmare about Xena's death.
Xena saying good-bye to Argo.
Xena and Gabrielle's 'I love you, you love me, someday, we'll be together, let's go down in a blaze of glory' farewell.

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

The opening sequence of the show: Gabrielle practicing the flip, her painful reacquaintance with mother earth, and Xena's creative ruse to treat Gabrielle's sprain.
Gabrielle's fever inspired 'take me with you' ranting.
Gabrielle's post nightmare nestling up with her Warrior Princess security blanket.
The fight scene in the armory.
Xena catching an arrow, sniffing it, detecting poison, and plunging it in Persian spy/soldier boy with malicious glee.
Xena taking a breather after battle and Gabrielle goading her about new boots.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

G: "Stupid ankle. If only I hadn't tried that."
X: "Well, if that's the worst thing that happens today, I'll be thrilled."

Soldier: "Give up the horse or the last thing you'll see will be your heart in my hand!"

Xena: "I don't give up my heart to just anyone."

"It's only a flesh wound."

G: "Well, we only have to delay them right? Just bloody their noses a little bit."
X: "You let me worry about their noses."

G: "I thought we agreed."
X: "I changed my mind."

"I don't accept defeat."

"I'm done paying for my past mistakes. My responsibility now is you."

Xena to Argo: "I want you to run away from here. You run as far as you can. Don't you stop for any stallions."

"Gabrielle, do it!"

"I'm going to let you die quicker, but with much more pain."

"That's right, crawl. Crawl for your stinking life!"

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

"Stopping an army, that's something you try about 300 times before you actually do it."

"Right foot first."

G: "The Persians are out there, aren't they?"
X: "Yes."
G: "How many campfires?"
X: "Thirty or forty."
G: "Ten men or so per fire. That's good. For a minute there, I thought we were in trouble."

G: "What?"
X: "Blood. The arrow must've grazed your lung. The poison..."
G: "I just ran out of time, didn't I?"

"I guess I'm going to miss out on all the fun, huh? You know, it's occurred to me that this is just a clever diversion to make me forget about my boots."

"I'm still here, I think."

"Now I have a better view."

XENA'S SKILLS

Gymnastics Coach
Cobbler
One Woman Death Squad
Great Beside Manner/Tucking Bards into Bedrolls

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

Dollmaker
Walking Wounded
Riding Sidesaddle
Dartboard/Moving Target
Xena's 'Source'
Prophet/Psychic Friend

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Xena and Gabrielle have made camp for the evening. While doing their individual chores, Gabrielle becomes concerned when Xena doesn't return within a reasonable amount of time. She begins searching the surrounding forest; hearing Xena's voice, Gabrielle stealthily approaches. She spies Xena holding a small object in each hand and having one hand converse with the other; she realizes one of the objects in question is her 'missing' Xena dollie. Gabrielle stands back and watches the unfolding drama with dumb struck amusement...and growing ire.

Xena as Xena: *deep voice* "I told you not to try the flip without the staff, but little miss too big for her BGSB had to try it anyway. Who's the slow learner now, blondie?"
Xena as Gabrielle: *high, breathy voice* "Oh Xena, once again, you were right. What was I thinking?"
X as X: "About food, probably." *chuckles at her own joke* "Then I tell you to go to safety, but do you listen? Noooooo, you have to ride out in the open like a moving target."
X as G: *girlish giggle* "Oh Xena, I just wanted a better view of my scrump-dillie-icious, buxom, leather clad, badass, tigress--grrrrr!"
*Gabrielle dollie passionately kisses Xena dollie*
X as X: "Uh huh, likely story, cupcake. At least you only sprained an ankle and took an arrow in the back. I would have been really peeved if you had been kidnapped or held at knife point--again."
X as G: "Golly, Xena, I just can't seem to help it. I attract trouble like I attract dead boyfriends."
X as X: "You can say that again."
G: "Yeah, Xena, why don't you?"
X: "Damn! Uh, Gabrielle," *hastily scrambles to hide dollies in her cleavage and affect an innocent expression* "What are you doing sneaking up on me like that?"
G: "Well, I was wondering what was taking you so long." *crosses arms and leans back against a tree* "So this is trapping...funny, I didn't know you lured dinner by entertaining it with puppet shows."
X: "How long have you been listening?"
G: "Long enough."
X: "Oh...now Gabrielle, it's not what you think, I didn't really mean what I said."
G: *rolls her eyes* "Xena, pull the other leg while you're at it." *smiles sweetly* "You know, this is actually good. I'm going to get a lot of mileage out of this."
X: "Aw c'mon, I was only teasing."
G: "Sure you were. In the future, you just remember that "I'm only teasing" as well."
X: *gives her a sour look*
G: "You know, I was wondering where my Xena dollie went. Did I see a Gabrielle dollie?"
X: "Uh..."
G: "Out with it, show me." *extends a hand expectantly*
X: *frowns and makes no move to get dollies*
G: *lets out an irritated sigh* "Fine. If you're gonna be difficult, then I'll get them myself." *she rummages in Xena's cleavage: she pulls out the breast dagger and then her old BGSB* "So that's where it went! You didn't lose it while doing the wash afterall." *resumes her search, while 'tsking' Xena, and triumphantly extracts the dollies*
G: "Enjoyed that didn't you?"
X: "Well.." *blushes*
G: "Pervert." *examines what looks to be a Gabrielle dollie* "Wow, it's really intricate. Blond hair, skirt with a belt, tiny boots, and an even tinier BGSB. What's this?" *holds up tiny tuft of red*
X: "Ah, hair."
G: "Hair?"
X: *clears throat* "Interchangeable hair, since no one seems to be sure what your exact hair color is..."
G: *scowls* "Out of everyone, Xena, I would hope you would know what my real hair color is."
X: "Gab--"
G: "Oh my, the clothes come off."
X: *looks away and starts fidgeting with a leather strip on skirt*
G: "By the gods Xena! This...this doll is anatomically correct!"
*surprise quickly turns to anger*
X: "Oh boy."
G: "Xena, how could you!" *slaps Xena's arm*
X: "Ow, quit clobbering me!"
G: *gives Xena's arm another slap for good measure* "It seems you have entirely too much free time on your hands."
X: *rubs her sore arm and moves towards Gabrielle with a placating expression* "Now Gabrielle, sweetness, please, I was only joking around--having a bit of fun."
G: *glares* "Well, two can play that game, Princess. In the meantime," *takes dollies and places them in her cleavage* "I'll keep the dolls."
X: *stamps foot and pleads* "Aw, Gabrielle."
G: *eyes her companion critically for a long stretch of silence* "Xena, maybe, just maybe, I'll let you play with them--but only if you ask reaaaally nice." caresses BGSB as she speaks*
X: *contemplates Gabrielle's BGSB with a wanton glint in her eye*
G: "The dolls, Xena, the dolls. Get you mind out of the bordello, would you? Hmph, and you say I read too many Sappho scrolls."

DISCLAIMER

Gabrielle's ankle was harmed during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Xena and Gabrielle encounter a juvenile delinquent, who resembles Cher circa 1980's--big hair and bad attitude. This hotheaded spitfire wants to take over Gabrielle's sidekick status. Get in line, honey, and take a number--the bard ain't budging. Watch the fists and fur fly as the bard and the badgrrl duke it out while Xena plays referee.

LaLa