I bet my mamma can whup your daddy!

Orphan of War could have been a maudlin movie of the week ep about an unwed mother giving up her child for good, only to meet the child years later. It wasn't, thanks to a sensitive, well-written script and Lucy's brilliant, tug-the-heart-strings portrayal of Xena as a conflicted mother. I'm more interested in family dynamics, so I'm glossing over the subplot of Dagnine and the Ixion stone. The real challenge facing Xena is whether or not she should befriend her son and tell him she's his mother. Xena struggles throughout the ep and by the end, just like real life, the 'issue' is not neatly solved '...and they lived happily ever after.'

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Love Child
• Romancing the Stone
• Ballad of an Unwed Teen Mother
• Your Mamma Wears Combat Boots
• I Don't Wanna Play House
• Let's Get Stoned

THEME SONG FOR THIS EP

Chic's "Le Freak" becomes "I Freak" as sung by Gabrielle:

"Xena bore a son in her warlord days,
I'm still in shock, and Xena remains unfazed,
A son, unknown to everyone,
She gave him up, said it had to be done,
You were young, no choice--so I am told,
To give him up, it seems so cold,
So I shriek, 'How could you walk away?'
Allow me to vent my spleen, ok?
Ahhhh freak out!
I freak, I'm tweaked,
Freak out!"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Evil Xena in her super duper sexy cloak.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• The See'er's pointy bead craft adorned Abe Lincoln beard.
• Evil Centaur/Dagnine's leather training bra.
• Evil Centaur/Dagnine's pronged forehead.

LET'S MAKE A DEAL

It all began one dark and stormy night...

Xena: "I'm willing to withdraw my army."
Kaleipus: "Xena, Destroyer of Nations, is not known to bargain."
Xena: "Take this child. My son and the son of Borias. If he stays with me, he'll become a target for all those who hate me. And he'll learn things a child should never know. He'll become like me."

Xena gives her son to the Centaur and promises to never return. Well, never say never; nine years later, Xena returns.

MOMMIE DEAREST

Gabrielle listens as Xena tries to convince Kaleipus her intentions are above board...

X: "I came to stop Dagnine. I'm not here for anything or anybody."
G: "Anybody?"

Gabrielle ponders the semantics, the 'who' Xena is talking about, only to have that thought interrupted as Solan leaps at Xena...

S: "I want to kill her Uncle, she killed my father. She killed the great Borias."

No hugs and kisses here. Apparently, Solan has no idea Xena is his mother...

S: "You've just met your greatest enemy."

Gabrielle is confused, yet notes an undercurrent of familiarity...

G: "Do you know him?"
X: "Yes, he's my son."

OOPS, GUESS I FORGOT TO MENTION IT: ROUND ONE

*ding ding*

Xena and Gabrielle square off...

G: "I want to talk to you."
X: "I told you everything."
G: "Yeah, now you've told me everything. Everything except why. I mean, how could you walk out on your own child?"
X: "You don't understand."
G: "I do understand. Any woman would, I just can't believe you did it. I mean, he's your son for Gaea's sake!"
X: "I didn't come here for him. I came to stop Dagnine."
G: "But you are here now. You're going to tell him, right?"
X: "Get out my way."

*Gab goes for the armor grab and Xena counters with the bard brush off*

OOPS, GUESS I FORGOT TO MENTION IT: ROUND TWO

*ding ding*

After a brief time out, Xena and Gabrielle go at it again...

X: "How can I even claim something that I walked away from so long ago?"
G: "I don't know what it's like to have a son, but I do know what it's like to have a mother. He should know that."
X: "Don't you even think about it. This is none of your business. I'll handle it my own way."

*Xena casts a warning glare and Gab returns a defiant stare. Uh, oh, looks like it's gonna go the full nine rounds*

FUN UNDER THE BIGTOP

D: "You are an amazing woman."
X: "And you haven't changed a bit. Still as...charismatic as ever."

Dagnine thinks he's the Ring Master of this circus and he can tame the tigress. He's about to find out what happens when you pet the kitty the wrong way...

X: "You forgot the second thing."
D: "Oh yeah. Well, remembering that I have your son, I just want a bit of warmth, a little human kindness."
X: "If only you were human." *punches Dagnine's face*

THE MANY FACES OF DAGNINE

Dagnine the gloating warlord:
    "Xena, I have the stone, I have the Ixion stone!"

Dagnine the overachiever:
    "With this (Ixion stone), I'll sweep the world like a rampaging wind. I'll kill Xena! I'll kill Hercules! I'll take Athens! I've got so much to do. I'll have to make a list."

Dagnine the positive thinker:
    See'er: "If this doesn't work?"
    D: "If this doesn't work, one of you gets my tent, the other gets my horse."

Dagnine the too big for his bridle, soon to be put to pasture permanently, pretty ugly pony:
    "You want to know a secret? This is Borias' sword. The last time I saw Borias' sword was when I stuck it in his back."

OOPS, GUESS I FORGOT TO MENTION IT: ROUND NINE

*ding ding*

The final round rolls around and it's time to kiss and make up or deliver the knock out punch...

G: "Xena, now before you say anything--when you jumped at me earlier, I deserved it. I'm not saying I agree with you, but I pride myself on being your friend and I should've realized you were hurting and--"
X: "It's ok."
G: "I'm here for you."
X: "Always."

*hmmm, guess it's a split decision*

ISN'T IT IRONIC

X: "What do you know about your mother?"
S: "What do you care?"
X: "I care. What was she like?"
S: "My uncle says she was wonderful. She never thought bad things about anyone--even you."

S: "I'm not a warrior. I don't think I want to be."
X: "Your mother would be very proud of you."
S: "You think so?"
X: "I know so."
S: "I think she would've liked you, Xena. I think you two would've gotten along."

AUNTIE MAIM

Gabrielle is hitting homers in this ep, her staff is white hot from all the body bonkin' action. When she isn't batting baddies into the bleachers, Gabrielle takes time to bond with Solan; she's in full social worker/meddlesome mediator mode. Her goal: show Solan the kinder, gentler Warrior Princess behind the leather clad exterior.

G: "You know, this is the only Xena I've ever known. I find it hard to understand the hatred that she gets sometimes when we travel from people who just don't know her the way I know her."
S: "I'm not afraid of her anymore."
G: "Do you hate her?"
S: "No."

CHIP OFF THE OL' BROAD

X: "How's Solan?"
G: "He's ok. I'm going to re-splint his arm. He won't admit that it hurts. I guess he's a lot like his mom."

QUIBBLES

• Solan's unnaturally pink lips--lip gloss anyone?
• Xena = black hair. Borias = black hair. Solan = blond hair. Recessive gene?
• Dagnine's Playdoh paste-on facial scar.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Centaur soccer, "Hey, no high-hoofing!"
• Xena's look of utter disgust as Dagnine paws at her during his 'trade your son for a roll in the sheets' speech.
• Gabrielle riding a horse--a Centaur no less!
• Xena's Dizzy Gillispe-esque horn tootin' the tree root.
• Xena's honesty. When Solan asks about his father, Xena acknowledges Borias' cruel past, but emphasizes his better qualities and his transformation from bad to good.
• The pulsating, whooping noise emanating from the Ixion stone.
• The Alka Seltzer 'plop plop fizz fizz' characteristics of the Ixion stone (it might not cure a hangover, but it would certainly take your mind off it).
• The druggy, distorted "Mary don't take me on a bad trip" camera shot as Dagnine drinks the elixir and metamorphoses into the evil Centaur.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Gabrielle haranguing Xena about Solan.
• Xena struggling to broach the subject of paternity with Solan.
• The closing shot of Xena's woebegone, on the verge of tears expression.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

It never ceases to amaze me how Xena can sense when Gabrielle is in trouble. While crossing swords with Evil Centaur/Dagnine, Xena gets the 'Gab at knife point vibe,' swings, parries, locates her, thrusts, deflects, throws her chakram over 500 yards, blocks, locks swords with Dagnine, trades insults, the chakram embeds itself in the baddie's chest, saves Gabrielle, and then dispatches Dagnine. I've heard of multi-tasking, but this takes on a whole new meaning.

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Xena catching the flying mace and throwing it back.
• Xena raising her sword, splitting the airborne spear in half, and skewering the baddies on either side of her.
• Xena's Barnum and Bailey BigTop rocket launcher exit from Dagnine's tent.
• Xena rocking and cradling Solan in the Ixion cavern; she's tentative and unsure, but wants so badly to comfort him.
• Xena's World Wrestling Federation worthy triple body slam of the baddies in the Ixion cavern.

BURNING QUESTIONS

With all her years of warlord nookie, it's statistically probable Xena would end up pregnant. That doesn't surprise me; it surprises me she carried the child to term. Did she hide her pregnancy or not? What did she wear? Leather? A chain mail caftan? I just can't picture a pregnant warlord leading her army on campaigns of death, plunder, and destruction. Besides the frequent pit stops, food cravings, sore back, and generally feeling like a beached whale, waging war and bearing children are diametrically opposed pursuits. Granted, it would give Xena an outlet for the raging hormonal mood swings, but...

Xena doesn't tell Solan she's his mother; did she lose her nerve or decide to uphold the status quo?

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"Gabrielle, get your staff ready."

"You want it? You got it."

"Boo!"

"I don't want him growing up to be a warrior. He shouldn't be carrying a sword."

"Do you know what it's like to be a mother without her child?"

"What good is a sword without an arm to hold it?"

"This is where all those music lessons come in handy...just kidding."

"Solan, sometimes, people do things that they regret. Things, which at the time, seem like the right thing to do."

"I'm sorry what happened to your father...and your mother."

"It's time to let go of the past and recognize that you have things here which I can only dream about. Things I would wish for my son."

S: "We are friends, aren't we?"
X: "We'll always be friends, don't you ever forget that."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

"Those totems don't look too friendly."

"I can see why the Centaurs tried to stop you and why Borias turned against you."

"Don't expect me to stay behind."

"Xena's pretty amazing, isn't she?"

"She's a good person too. She always does what's right even when it hurts her. I forget that sometimes.

K: "What in Zeus' name is that?"
G: "If you don't know, it must be Xena."

G: "This will be better. You'll be doing backflips in no time."
S: "I could never do them before."
G: "Trust me, you're ahead of the game."

HARPER VALLEY P.T.A.

Parent/Teacher conferences, curfews, music lessons, slumber parties--I can't help but wonder what kind of mother Xena would be to Solan. Joan Crawford? June Cleaver? Carol Brady? How would Xena handle the everyday parenting situations?

Xena and boo boos: "Oh for cryin' out loud, that scratch is nothing. You think that hurts? Try walking a Gauntlet, now that smarts."

Xena at dinnertime: "Eat your vegetables or I'll put the pinch on you."

Xena at bedtime: "Go to sleep *now*. Solan, if you aren't in bed by the time I count to three, I'll make Gabrielle tell you every sappy, kissy face love story she knows."

Xena in the morning: "Wakey, wakey...for the love of Zeus! I don't know who is harder to wake in the morning, you or Gabrielle."

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Night time around the campfire. Xena is spending 'quality time' bonding with Solan, while Gabrielle toasts marshmallows...

X: "So, you want to hear a bedtime story."
S: "Yes!"
X: "Gabrielle can tell you--"
S: "No, I want you to tell me a story."
X: "I don't do the, um, bard thing."
S: "Please?"
X: "Solan, Gabrielle is much better--"
G: "Xena, c'mon, tell a story."
Xena gives Gabrielle the Look
Solan smiles expectantly
X: "Thanks a lot Gabrielle. Just remember, paybacks are a--"
G: "Xena, watch your mouth."
X: "Hmph."
moment of silence as Xena thinks of a suitable story
X: "Ok, ten winters ago, I was leading my army into a small village--wait, wait, too much blood and violence."
S: "Sounds great!"
X: "Maybe another time."
another moment of silence as Xena thinks of a suitable story
X: "I've got it! Four summers ago, Marcus, a former officer in my army, and I were in Athens. We went into this tavern--wait, wait, too much
drinking and sex."
G: "Strange, I've never heard that story before--"
S: "What's sex?"
X: "It's, uh, it's, you're too young, Solan."
G: "Xena, that tavern, it wasn't the same one that you wouldn't let me go into was it?"
S: "I am not too young! I'm nine summers old!"
X: "Solan, don't argue with me."
G: "Xenaaa--" becoming agitated as she remembers the tavern
X: "Gabrielle, we'll discuss it later."
G: "You bet your breast armor we'll discuss it later."
Xena and Gabrielle briefly glower at one another
X: "Solan, I can't think of a story."
Solan gets a pleading look on his face
Xena relents
X: "Ok, ok, I'll tell you a limerick."
S: "What's a limerick?"
X: "It's a short poem that rhymes."
G: "Xena, I don't think limericks are appropriate."
X: "Well, what would you suggest 'Miss stories a plenty up the yin yang?'"
G: "Certainly not a limerick."
S: "I want to hear a limerick!"
Xena gives Gab a 'so there' glance and clears her throat
X: "There once was a girl from Nantucket--"
G: "Xena!"
X: "What?"
S: "Don't stop."
G: "Oh, she's done for the evening. C'mon Solan, I'll tell you a story."
S: "But I want to hear about--"
G: "No, no you don't. It's not suitable for children."
Xena grins smugly at Gabrielle
Gabrielle sticks her tongue out at Xena
G: "This is a story about three little furry bunnies and one big, bad, devious, foul-tempered, irritating, infuriating, leather clad blue eyed Harpy."
Xena's smug smile slowly disappears
Gabrielle smiles sweetly at Xena
X: "Gabriiielllle--"
S: "Sshhh!"
G: "Yeah, Xena, sshhh. I'm trying to tell a story. One day, this mean ol' Harpy..."

XENA'S SKILLS

• See'er Detector
• Cave Spelunking
• Mother Hen
• Musician
• WWF Wrestler/Body Slamming
• Ball Buster (you go grrl, geld that stallion with your size 9 1/2 combat boots)
• Remote Control Javelin Operator

DISCLAIMER

No sleazy warlords who deem it necessary to drink elixirs that turn them into scary creatures were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Xena dressed as a Renaissance Faire beer wench on the warpath. No Warrior Princess, no leather, no weapons, no battles = no fun. Say it isn't so! Why doesn't haus frau-ish looking Gabrielle recognize Xena? What are the Fates up to?

LaLa