It was a dark and stormy night...

Fan fiction comes alive! A raging storm, a cozy cave, Gabrielle in nothing but a bearskin while attending to Xena's wounded thigh…actually, Paradise Found is not a tawdry first time story, it's about Miss Gabrielle's spiritual quest. Overall, I like this ep, but not for the story line (which recycles my least favorite cliché: Gabrielle having the spiritual wool pulled over her eyes and Xena coming to her rescue) or the representation of evil Xena. Call me base, call me shallow, but I like Paradise Found for the yoga, Xena's critter hunt, and the eye candy, especially the eye candy. Boom chicka bow wow!

CAVALCADE OF CHARACTERS

• Aidan: 'smooth operator' yogi with evil on his mind.
• Gar: the twitchy, stuttering March Hare in the garden.
• Gabrielle: gullible, gullible, gullible!
• Xena: suffers from attention deficit disorder, hallucinations, low self-esteem, and poor orthodontics.
• The tweety birds: deceased.
• The bunny: deceased.
• The turtle: thank the gods for this chakram resistant shell!

NOT SO SUCCINCT STORY SYNOPSIS

Xena and Gabrielle travel to India. They plummet down a bottomless pitch-black pit into paradise where they meet Gar, a man with a nervous tic, who is two sandwiches short of a picnic. All appearances bespeak of a Club Med brochure, but evil lurks in paradise in the form of a touchy-feely New Age spewing yogi named Aidan: "In with the good, out with the bad, inner peace guaranteed or your money back." Gabrielle is taken in by his pretty words and promises, while Xena remains skeptical. Proving my mother's adage: "Never trust a bald man with a rock pasted to his forehead," Aidan curries Gabrielle's favor and suggests that Xena is damaged goods and beyond redemption (it's her pesky dark side!) In order to have inner peace, according to Aidan, you must become light and fluffy (all the better to leech the goodness out of you). As Gabrielle finds inner stillness, Xena loses her mind. In order  to save Gabrielle's wholesome goodness from the soul sucking sponge (a.k.a. Aidan), Xena must go to the dark side of town and open up a can of buck toothed whup ass. Xena and Aidan fight, fight, fight!  Xena wins, Aidan melts, Gar is late for a very important date, and Gabrielle winds up nekkid.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Better Homes and Gardens
• Let Sleeping Bards Lie
• The Joy of Tantric Sex
• The Garden of Aidan
• I'm Blue
• Sleeping Single in a Yin Yang Bed

THEME SONG FOR THIS EP

Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" becomes "Another Bird Bites the Dust" as sung by Xena:

"Another bird bites the dust,
Another bird bites the dust,
Whoosh! Another one gone,
Whoosh! Another one gone,
Another bird bites the dust,
Hey, gonna get the bunny too,
Another bird bites the dust."

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Gabrielle's 'I Dream of Genie' jade green harem pants and silky rust colored halter-top.
• Gabrielle's 'good night, sleep light' white nightie.
• Gabrielle in the bearskin rug. The casual, off the shoulder, collarbone-baring look was de-lovely and de-licious.
• Gabrielle's chic and classy French braid.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Xena's rubbery, fakey, cheesy leg wound.
• The evil Xena -- ugly does not begin to describe the look.
• That bright shiny boulder on Aidan's forehead.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• Why does Gabrielle repeatedly fall prey to every Jim Jones that comes her way?
• Prior to skipping out of Paradise, was Xena writing a 'Dear Bardie' letter?
• Is Xena is the jealous type?
• When Aidan told Xena he spoke from experience (about hurting loved ones) was he telling the truth or lying?
• Why does Gabrielle continue to look for 'answers' outside of herself when she realizes she should look within?
• When Xena killed Aidan, he disintegrated into nothing. Was Aidan a man or an entity?
• As Paradise melts like a cake that's been left out in the rain, Gabrielle realizes her harem pants and halter-top vanish as well. Does this mean Gabrielle was running around Paradise nekkid?
• When Xena meditates and discovers her leg wound is still present, does it disappear because she cannot maintain the concentration to keep it visible or does Aidan sense her discovery and use his power to make it disappear again?
• Was it any surprise that Gabrielle slept on the white side of the Yin Yang bed?
• Xena's gotten in touch with her dark side before, but she has never been this ugly. Why the angry beaver-with-an-overbite face?
• Renaissance Pictures or Renaissance Porn?
• How did the butt rub get past the censors?
• Does Gabrielle really have hands like a sailor? Is that such a bad thing?

QUIBBLES

• Oh, this formula is showing it's age: Gabrielle is snookered by the 'Johnny-come-lately Holy Wo/Man' of the month; Holy Wo/Man fills Gabrielle's head with strange notions and becomes a wedge between Xena and Gabrielle; Gabrielle attempts to use her newfound spiritual mumbo jumbo to fix Xena; Xena rebuffs Gabrielle's 'repairs'; Xena is, at first, suspicious of Holy Wo/Man; then Xena buys into the Holy Wo/Man's belief that she's no good for Gabrielle; Xena runs away; Xena digs up the evil ulterior motives of Holy Wo/Man; Gabrielle sinks deeper into destructive groupie-dom; Xena rushes back to save Gabrielle from the clutches of the Holy Wo/Man; a duel to the death for Gabrielle's soul ensues; Xena wins. The end. *yawn*
• Gabrielle's condescending (in the guise of caring) 'I can fix you Xena' behavior.
• I'm bored with the crucifixion scene! I'm tired of waiting for the episode which will resolve whether or not the grrls become lawn ornaments for Rome.
• Yoga is a tool for flexibility, not evil.
• The CGI blood drop looked like a spermatozoa.
• Evil Xena -- I couldn't stop laughing long enough in order to take her seriously. Am I supposed to be afraid of a chapped lipped, bucky beaver toothed, serpent eyed, fly away haired, greasy complexioned, Cartman voiced caricature of evil?
• Riddle me this...Gabrielle senses when an innocent life is about to be snuffed by Xena, but she can't sense when Xena is getting her ass kicked? Xena is bounced hither and yon and Gabrielle remains unaware, yet the moment Gar (the crazy freak in the garden), is about to be skewered by Xena, Gabrielle suddenly 'wakes up'.
• During Xena's nosebleed, I wanted to yell, "Wipe yer nose fer Gaia's sake!"

KIBBLES AND BITS

• The figurines in Aidan's garden resembled a petrified forest of big, blue Smurfs.
• This whole ep, especially the beautifully shot yoga pose montages, is a soft core body worship of Gabrielle. Not that I mind, just thought I would mention…
• The Yin Yang peephole in the hot tub room door.
• My, my, my, isn't Renee flexible!
• Aidan reminded me of a cross between Yul Brenner (in The King and I), Mr. Clean, and John Gray (Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus).
• The giant birdcages from The Debt return to decorate Xena and Gabrielle's suite.
• Xena poking the floating candles in the hot tub.
• I love, love, love the Yin Yang bed! It is the must have accessory -- the contrasting pillows were a clever touch.
• Oy, the hodgepodge of symbolism and references: Lotus Land, Shangri La, Yin Yang, Yoga, and Alice In Wonderland.
• I'm ashamed to admit it, but my black and twisted little soul enjoyed the bloody clump of bunny fur on the chakram.

FAMILIAR FACES

The actor who portrays Aidan has also portrayed Thersites, the assassin, in Fistful of Dinars.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Gabrielle's look of terror and her crying jag as memories of Hope resurface.
• Aidan comforting Gabrielle, while Xena looks on.
• The Aidan enhanced hallucinations Xena experiences - all of them involving some physical violence toward Gabrielle.
• Xena leaving Gabrielle (again).

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

Post ambush, Xena and Gabrielle in a cave...

G: "Truth is, I think you enjoyed it."
X: "Having my leg gashed open?"
G: "No, having a good excuse to bust some head."
X: "That's ridiculous."
G: "You smiled."
X: "What?"
G: "When that big guy came at you and you tossed him at the other three, you smiled."
X: "I winced. He was big."
G: "You smiled."
X: "I was relieved."
G: "You still smiled."

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

The first hot tub scene! In particular, the moment when Gar brings clothes for the grrls and he calls Xena 'sir'; Gabrielle stares at Xena and then gives a tiny 'Xena? Sir? I don't think so' smile.

The massage! The blood drops and hallucinations added a aura of creepy to the sexy, _butt_ I still enjoyed every single rub-a-licious moment.

Xena's 'parting is such sweet sorrow' rubdown...
X: "We've come a long way, the two of us."
G: "A long way."
X: "And you've taught me a lot about kindness and mercy and love."
G: "Love."
X: "You've got a good heart, Gabrielle, and no one should hurt you. No one should hurt you. Goodbye, Gabrielle."

QUICK -- HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Should the grrls stay the night at Aidan's or be on their way?  Gabrielle gives Xena's backside a 'let's enjoy a warm bath and some hospitality' smack.
• Xena's violent Tai Chi session in the garden: the spinning, branch snapping, petal scattering helicopter kick.
• Is this live or a delusion? Xena in the hot tub as two versions of her interaction with Gabrielle play out.
• Aidan's excited queenie hand clap.
• Xena doing a frantic set of sit-ups, while Gabrielle lazes about on the Yin Yang bed.
• Xena uprighting the sword with her foot, kicking it, and spearing Aidan.
• Evil Beaver Xena screaming "Gabrielle!" and getting no reaction whatsoever.
• Xena and Gabrielle's 'reunion head butt'.
• Gabrielle discovers she's nekkid, as paradise fades away, and franticly scrambles to hide behind Xena.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

G: "Xena, I fell down a hole."
X: "What is it with you and holes, huh?"

X to G: "You've got hands like a sailor."

G: "It's beautiful, don't you think?"
X: "Yeah, in that yucky I'm-in-paradise kind of way."

X to G: "How long to you think we've been in here? I'm pruning."

Gar: "Lieutenant Gar reporting, as ordered, with clothes, sir!"
Xena: "Sir?"

G: "I want to ask him to teach me his breathing techniques. Will you go with me?"
X: "Thanks, but I've been breathing just fine on my own for years now."

G: "I feel so clear, so light. I wish you could experience that."
X: "Well, apparently, my mind is too active."

"Piggy, come here!"

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

Aidan: "Good food. Fine Wine."
Gabrielle: "Warm bath?"

G: "Mighty big of you, Xena."

G to X: "Do I really have hands like a sailor?"

XENA'S SKILLS

• Taming Nature
• Putting bards to sleep
• Pig hunting
• Bouncing
• Playing dead
• Getting a rise out of Gabrielle

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Stitching like a sailor
• Investigating strange noises
• Falling down dark holes
• Flexibility
• Shoulder rubbing
• Footstool for Aidan

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Xena is so tense these days! Gabrielle tries to find a way to help Xena unwind…

G: "Xena, we have got to find a way for you to relax."
X: *mutters under her breath* "I can think of _one_ way to relax."
G: "How about a game?"
X: "Like strip poker?"
G: "No, something like charades."
X: "I hate that game."
G: "You never gave it a chance."
X: "I did too. I did my impersonation of Zeus, disguised as a swan-"
G: "Having his way with a maiden? Xena, charades is not supposed to be acted out, I mean, you act it out, but you don't _act it out_."
X: "I didn't hear you complaining."
G: "I -- well, um, maybe not games...how about a bath?"
X: "Now you're talking --"
G: "Yeah, a nice hot, soothing bath..." *closes her eyes*
X: "a quiet room..."
G: "a tub of hot water..."
X: "a few candles..."
G: "some flowers..."
X: "scented oil..."
G: "a big fluffy sponge..."
X: "a lost bar of soap..."
G: "a lost bar of soap?" *snaps out of reverie*
X: *does a saucy imitation of Gabrielle* "Why Xena, I just don't know where that bar of soap could have gone. Wait, I think I may be sitting on it. Would you mind finding it, you big, bad, wet, warrior --"
G: *blushes* "I, uh, I -- what was I talking about? Oh! How about massage?"
X: "Well now that you mention it, I do have this _one_ tiny spot in particular."
G: "Lemme guess, that same spot that always needs my attention?"
X: "Can I help it if I carry all my tension there?"
G: *gives a dismissive wave* "How about the poses Aidan's teaching me?"
X: "You mean yoga?"
G: "Yes, yoga. When I do it, I feel so good afterwards. C'mon." *sits on the floor and places one foot behind her head*
X: "No thanks."
G: "If you would just try some of the positions, Xena." *puts her other foot behind her head* "It's very relaxing."
X: "Tying myself into a knot?" *shakes head and turns away*
G: *grunts and struggles as she tries to extricate herself* "Uh, Xena?"
X: *lost in thought* "Forget games, baths, and massages. You really want to 'relax' me? Gimme some down 'n dirty, no clothes, no holds barred, sweaty s--"
G: "Xena!" *continues to struggle*
X: "Hmm?" *turns and notices Gabrielle's compromised position*
G: "Xena, I'm stuck."
X: "You know, this yoga thing could be relaxing after all."
G: "Huh? Would you untangle me."
X: *purrs* "Sure, Gabrielle." *slinks closer; teasingly strokes the back of Gabrielle's thigh with her hand*
G: *arches an eyebrow* "You call _this_ untangling?"
X: "I call it Kama Sutra, actually."

DISCLAIMER

Paradise was found, but not necessarily embraced during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

The grrls get crafty with Do It Yourself Mendhi! Alti is back (minus the blood n buckskin) and rarin' for a rematch with the W.P.

LaLa

SPELLCHECKER SUGGESTIONS

Did you know that "Smurf" is in the spellchecker dictionary, but "Tantric" is not?