The hunter is captured by the game

Past Imperfect...how do I say this without sounding vague? It was a good story with interesting characters and lots of action, however, instead of whipping me into a frenzy (like Crusader did), I was left feeling, well, how about some word association? Whitebread…vanilla pudding…corn flakes...I didn't love the ep, but I didn't hate it, so I guess I'm somewhere in between. Good things about the ep? Entertwining the past into present, more background on Borais' death (my, my, my hasn't he undergone the family man reputation makeover), and the introduction of yet another of Xena's Machiavellian ex-employees. To add to the mix, Xena's crucifixion 'vision' ominously circles above her, much like a vindictive pigeon looking for a clean car. And with that lovely image, we'll be moving right along.

CAVALCADE OF CHARACTERS

• Preggers and pathological Evil Xena
• Present day angst ridden Xena
• Contentious "Don't you dare ditch me" Gabrielle
• "There goes my 20/20 vision" Kaleipus the Centaur
• Reformed "Gee, what a swell guy" Borias
• "Don't turn your back on me" Dagnine
• "You ain't nothin' but my steppin' stone" Satrina the Slavegrrl

NOT SO SUCCINCT STORY SYNOPSIS

The action in Past Imperfect shuttles between past and present…

In the past, Evil Xena (pregnant and about to burst at any moment) pursues the Ixion Stone (cuz Alti told her to), lays siege to Corinth, and battles the Centaurs. Meanwhile, Borias (ex-boyfriend and current ally) wants to be a good daddy and conscience for Xena, but he's thwarted by Satrina (the backstabbin' Slavegrrl who serves Xena and wants to pick her mind for military strategy) and then he's skewered in the back by Dagnine (one of Xena's warriors with an attitude). Evil Xena gives birth and then gives up her newborn son to Kaleipus (her Centaur enemy) in order to save her ass and her son's future.

In the present, Xena and Gabrielle bicker about the meaning of Xena's vision, while defending a town against an unknown enemy. Just who is the pesky person using Xena's past strategies against her? Xena is at loss as to the identity of the copycat *flipping through the mental Rolodex* could it be a conquered foe bent on revenge? Jilted ex-lover?   Disgruntled ex-employee? Jealous wannabe? After recognizing the poisoned grain, Xena has no doubt it's the Slavegrrl! The days of rubbing shoulders are long gone; now, Satrina is a reputation hungry warlord (who has a bad case of Warrior Princess envy). Xena sets a trap for Satrina; they meet, they reminisce about the good ol' days, Satrina gets cocky, Xena gets crafty, a fight ensues, and Xena defeats Satrina.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Copy Cat
• Great Balls of Fire
• Siege of the Slavegrrl
• Past Pluperfect (I knew grammar would come in handy some day)
• Head Games
• Tunnel Trouble
• Slavegrrls Gone Postal
• Guess Who?
• Yer, Rubbin' Me The Wrong Way, Slavegrrl
• Take This Job and Shove It
• Blast From the Past
• Disgruntled Employees Caught on Tape: The Pre-Mycenaean Years

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

Men at Work's "Who Can It Be Now?" as sung by Xena:

"Who can it be lobbing fireballs?
Go away, you've got a lot of gall,
Don't make me mad, or I'll come outside,
I'm in a mood and ready for a fight,
Leave me and the bard alone,
I don't like what the vision has shown,
You'll live longer if you go away,
Come in the city, there'll be Hades to pay,
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?

ABBA's "Nina Pretty Ballerina" becomes "Satrina, ain't as good Xena" as sung by Gabrielle:

"Satrina ain't as good as Xena,
Even though she'd like to think so,
She's just a copy cat nothing more,
Xena will use her to mop the floor,
Just like Cinderella, just like Cinderella."

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Satrina's geisha, I mean, Slavegrrl halter top and matching skirt -- smart, simple, and sexy; full freedom of movement for fetching water and attending to your queen's every whim.
• Borias' oh so triangular goatee and pencil thin Fu Manchu-ish mustache.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Not so much ugly as ridiculous - Oaklin (the city of Actus' military commander) and his gigantic feather duster adorned helmet; how many ostriches gave their lives for his fashion folly?
• Xena's dangling dinar, multi-colored beanie of terror; goodness knows I've seen it more than enough this season and I think it's time to burn it.
• Satrina's 'is it bead craft or a bowling ball?' massive neckbrace, uh, necklace.
• Dagnine's rat nesty fright wig of a 'do.
• Satrina's little warlord frock - the leather headband with chainmail earflaps and that boring brown, rib constricting, 'put an eye out' razor point double dip cone bra.

FAMILIAR FACES

• The actress who plays Satrina the Slavegrrl has also portrayed Meridian (skewered minion of Dahak) in The Deliverer.
• The actor who plays Jareyd the Centaur has also portrayed one of the Mnemosyne Temple Guards in Forget Me Not (he was the one who said, "Entaaaaaaaah.")

BURNING QUESTIONS

• What of Xena's vision? The town she and Gabrielle defend has that pokey candelabra-esque mountain in the background - yet both escaped imprisonment and death at the hands of Slavegrrl. Does this mean the vision is null and void?
• Did Slavegrrl massage more than Xena's ego and shoulders?
• Is Slavegrrl dead? Will she return? Is she the new nemesis or is it Najara?

FLAGRANT DISREGARD FOR CONTINUITY OR REVISIONIST HISTORY

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Who's bright idea was it to re-film the 'let's make a deal' baby swap between Xena and Kaleipus? What was wrong with the original in Orphan of War? Quite frankly, I prefer the original scene to the 'new and improved'-- for more than just continuity sake. The original is emotionally more powerful. And if I may be a glamorpuss snob for a moment, Xena had better hair in the original-- and that cloak! Be still my beating heart.

QUIBBLES

• Satrina, while one of the smartest foes, is physically no threat to Xena. If they came to blows, I would give Satrina credit if she lasted more than 10 seconds. I wouldn't even qualify her as a badass babe.  Conniving and clever yes, but badass? Uh, nope.
• Timeout for a moral judgement (putting on my Judge Judy persona):
• Satrina deserves to die. After what she did to Borias and Xena, well...I was so disappointed that Xena did not channel a bit of her old self just for one tiny moment and snap that snaky, two faced Slavegrrls' pencil neck. Dismissed!
• Not enough Gabrielle in the ep.
• How many times and variations of the 'submerged warriors emerging from the water' are we going to see?
• Enough, enough, enough already of this incarnation of evil Xena! I find this version of her more like a homicidal and maniacal Meg -- the mugging has got to go. You want evil? Mean? Ruthless? I think of the evil Xena in Warrior Princess, The Gauntlet, Dreamworker, and The Price. Now that Xena will make you run and hide under the bed.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• The name Satrina reminds me of the word latrine, which has nothing at all to do with anything -- I just thought I would share. Also, did anyone think Katrina and the Waves?
• Finally! Xena tells Gabrielle about her vision (the one where they are both crucified and Gabrielle has that horrible short hair).
• (note from Netgyrl:  "Hey!  I like the short hair!"  Just had to add my 2¢)
• So, Alti is the one who encouraged Xena to hunt for the Ixion Stone, which in turn would transform her into the Destroyer of Nations (a damn ugly Destroyer if you ask me, see what it did to Dagnine?)
• The CGI of the fireballs and the Centaurs was lookin' a bit cheesy and rough around the edges.
• Geez, those pointy hubcap hats the Persian army wore in One Against An Army sure get around.
• The sound effect associated with Gabrielle's staff making a direct hit has such a juicy, full-bodied thwack!
• The Centaur Stomp -- it's the newest dance craze (bigger than the Macarena!)

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

"My..*death rattling gasp*...son."

Borias gazing upon his newborn son before dying. *sniff* I've actually grown to like the dead ringer for Boris Badinov. Sadly, no more moose, no more squirrel.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

The impassioned "vision" debate between Xena "I knows best, go hide in the woods" and Gabrielle "Hey, it's my decision to make, Miss Bossy."   Looked to me like a ragfest squabble or an unhealthy misdirection of pent-up sexual energy.

G: "This conversation is over, right? Deal?"
X: "Gods forbid I'd ever bring that subject up again."

and then...

X: "Gabrielle, did you see that mountain out there?"
G: "Yes. It's part of your vision, right?"
X: "What if this is the place where it happens?"
G: "It isn't."

and then again...

X: "Gabrielle. Gabrielle!"
G: "Xena, I don't believe in your vision! I can't afford to. Now, either I prove you wrong and we go on from here or I prove you right and we die. But either way, I will not continue like this."

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

Xena and Gabrielle's cozy, comforting, head holding, hair stroking scene by the heat 'n glow of the campfire. Gabrielle does her best to sooth Xena's guilty conscience. Very sweet, very sexy. Now doesn't that singe your eyebrows and toast your marshmallows!

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Xena saving yet another young child from a certain and messy death -- my what a blow she took when the concussion from the explosion sent her airborne. If Xena wanted, she could have one hell of an NFL career, she didn't drop the ball, er, bambino.
• Did I just see Borias grab, grope, grasp, glom onto, grip Xena's breast, bust, boob, bosom?
• Evil Xena grabbing Satrina by the wrist to encourage more neck rubbing, only to slap her magic massaging fingers away a moment later.
• Evil Xena's version of a Hallmark card (because she cares enough to send the very best) -- floaters, er dead Corinthians, in the river.
• The visual parallel of Xena giving birth and Borias' dying (both screaming in concert, but for different reasons). Oh, the irony! The tragedy! The symmetry!
• The sword fight between Dagnine and Borias was painful to watch, but so nicely choreographed.
• Xena tightening the noose around Satrina's neck -- grr!

SATRINA "AREN'T I SO CLEVER? YOU CAN APPLAUD ME NOW."

As with every villain, when the big showdown is about to go down, he or she has to tell the when, where, how, and why. Let's give Satrina her fifteen minutes of fame, eh?

Satrina to Xena: "All these years you thought I was this poor, defenseless, little Slavegrrl you captured from Demayeus. Truth is, Demayeus was my partner, my lover."

Well, that certainly explains the motive...

Satrina to Xena: "Of all the people I have studied, you were the most complex, the most brilliant of the minds I've defeated this far."

Uh, Satrina, have you ever studied hubris?

Satrina to Xena: "I never did have that much in the way of muscle - never. But, I am a survivor and I have this incredible ability to put myself into my enemies head."

(and probably the pants of your enemy, if it suited your ends, ya little hussy)

SATRINA "NOT SO CLEVER. PLEASE HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE."

Will the foes of Xena never learn? Tsk, tsk. Pride before the fall.

Xena to Satrina: "Want some Kala root? I had some before I came, which means your poison dart did nothing."

Xena, you big faker!

Satrina: "Xena?" *gasping for air as the noose around her neck tightens*
Xena: "What's the matter? Having trouble getting inside my head right now? Let me help you." *tightens the noose again* "Did you get inside my head now? Huh? What am I thinking now?"

Um, that maybe Caesar has some competition for the number one spot on your sh*t list?

EVIL XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

Satrina: "The pain again? Lean your head forward, my queen."
Xena: "Don't call me your queen, Satrina, I don't like it."

"You don't command in my tent, Borias, not anymore."

Xena to Borias: "This baby is nothing compared to my empire."

"Poison grain...there's an idea."

Borias: "Is this your sacrifice (dead Corinthians in the river) to Alti?"
Xena: "No, this is just for shock value."

Kaleipus: "This is war, Xena!"
Xena: "Just a little one."

Jareyd: "We'll fight to the death."
Xena: "You got that right -- your death."

Xena: "No, there's only one reason why you've stayed -- you want to take this from me."
Borias: "As any father would. If my son stays here, he'll become a target for your enemies. He'll see things a child shouldn't see and --"
Xena: "He'll become like me."

Borias: "Don't do this! We lost our love, don't make me an enemy."
Xena: "You became the enemy the moment you thought there was love."

Xena to Dagnine: "We're going to need a lot of wood. When I'm done here, there will be a line of crucified bodies from Corinth to the Caspian Sea. I'm going to crucify them all! Crucify them, crucify!

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"It's a good tactic (poison grain), at least it was when I used it at Corinth."

"How do I defeat myself?"

Xena to Satrina: "You always did like that tunnel idea."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

Gabrielle to Xena: "Are you sure I was dying?"

"Xena, you're expecting Medusa behind every tree -- you can't look left, you can't look right."

"No Xena, this hospital is well protected. It's in the center of the city. It doesn't need me hiding in it."

Gabrielle to Xena: "Funny thing about destiny, you can't ignore it and your can't rely on it."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Single Mother (for a nanosecond)
• Playing Possum
• Rope Tricks

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Winning an argument with the Warrior Princess
• Giving Ultimatums
• Fire Chief

EVIL XENA'S "IN / OUT" LIST IN OUT

Slavegrrls/ Borias
Dirty Tricks/ Fair Play
Crucifixion/ Mobility
Pony Burgers/ Centaurs
Ixion Stone/ Getting Stoned
Destroyer of Nations/ Mother of the Year

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Later that night by the campfire, Xena and Gabrielle continue to discuss the ramifications and possible meanings of the 'vision'.

X: "But why change it?"
G: *testy* "I thought we agreed to drop it?"
X: "Well, yesss, but I just can't fall asleep until I know why."
G: "Oh for Gaia's sake!"
X: "Aw, c'mon Gabrielle."
G: "I don't know, maybe Joxer put gum in my hair or maybe I ran out of new and alluring braiding techniques."
X: "But I like your hair as it is. In my vision, it was so short, so, so..." *disgustedly* "Najara."
G: "Xena, it's just a vision, your vision -- it's all hypothetical as far as I'm concerned."
X: "When we're being nailed to the cross, I dare you to tell me it's hypothetical."
G: *rolls her eyes* "Would you stop being melodramatic? Besides, if I did change my hair, it's my decision -- not yours."
X: "I wouldn't get to vote?"
G: "Nope."
X: "That is so unfair."
G: "Unfair has nothing to do with it. It's my hair and however I cut it, I would hope you would still love me and accept me."
X: *mutters* "If I can put a bag over your head."
G: "What did you say?" *shoots Xena a pointed look*
X: *sweetly* "Nothing."
G: "I don't see why you are having such a hard time with something that hasn't even happened. Who knew the Warrior Princess was so afraid of a hairdo!"
X: "Gabrielle, I wouldn't call it a hairdo, it was more like 'hairdon't.'"
G: "Ha, ha." *glares at Xena* "You know, I wasn't even going to mention this, but you've given me little choice." *pauses for dramatic effect* "You see, there are things about you that I find, well, 'unflattering', but rather than point it out, I chose to keep my mouth shut." *crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow*
X: "Like what?"
G: "Remember when I first met you?"
X: *hesitantly* "Yes."
G: "You wore the most gods awful pink lipstick."
X: *places fingers upon her lips*
G: "You don't know how happy I was when you went to a darker shade. But did I say anything to you?" *makes motion of zippering lips shut*
X: "I had no idea."
G: "Now you do." *warming up to the topic* "I also didn't care for the way you wore your sword on the side."
X: *defensive* "What was wrong with that?"
G: "Whenever I went to give you a hug I got jabbed in the brea-"
X: "You mean that wasn't a squeal of delight?"
G: "Nooo, it was squeal of pain, Xena, pain. And while I'm on the topic of...bosoms, I didn't hear you complain as my BGSB got smaller and smaller."
X: *blushes* "Well..."
G: "So don't you try to tell me that all change is bad."
X: "But we aren't talking about your BGSB, we're talking about your red, er, blond hair."
G: "You just won't leave this alone will you?"
X: "Not until I know that you won't cut your hair."
G: "I see." *sighs and thinks for a moment* "Then I have a proposition for you."
X: *suspicious* "What is it?"
G: "Before I tell you, you have to promise to do what I ask in return for not cutting my hair."
X: "I don't know if I can --"
G: "Snip, snip."
X: "All right, all right." *scowls* "So, what's the deal?"
G: "You have to ditch your days of the week underwear."
X: *horrified* "You want me to get rid of my lucky underwear, the underwear I embroidered?"
G: "Yes, yes I do."
X: "I - I just don't know. They're my favorite."
G: "They're a mood killer."
X: *defensive* "What do you mean?"
G: "Picture this: you and I by the campfire, warm and cozy. We've just eaten a wonderful meal -- that I cooked of course. I read you a selection from the newest Sappho scroll, I rub your shoulders, you braid my hair --"
X: *mutters under breath* "Not if you cut it."
G: "Shhh! Don't interrupt. Now where was I? Oh, yes....we've just eaten a wonderful meal, we have a full wineskin, I read you some Sappho, I rub your shoulders, you braid my hair, I whisper sweet nothings in your ear --"
X: *leans closer* "Um hmm."
G: *seductively* "I take off your breastplate, trail my fingers down your leather, then I lift up your skirt and...BAM!"
X: *jumps back*
G: "There's Tuesday staring me in the face."
X: *jaw moving but nothing coming out* "But, but I need to know what day it is. When I was a warlord, it was crucial to know --"
G: "Xena, I hate to be a reality check, but you aren't a warlord anymore."
X: *sighs* "So, what do you want me to do?"
G: "Take them off."
X: "And?" *perks up*
G: "Throw them into the fire." *gives Xena a saucy look*
X: *teasing* "Gabrielle, the idea is to pillage, then burn."
G: "Hmmm, that's right. Thank the gods we have 6 more pairs."

DISCLAIMER

Borias' goose was cooked during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Once again, the writers raid the film archive; this time, they pay homage to Raising Arizona. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum -- I mean, Meg and Joxer team up with Autolycus in order to kidnap a child who looks suspiciously like a glow worm. Are they saving the child? Or will they try to make a fast buck by selling the kid off to one of Kathie Lee Gifford's sweatshops?

LaLa