Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself

In the beginning, there was Princess Diana, and she was good. Then came Meg the Tramp, and she was good too. And then, it came to pass, Melinda Pappas. Just when you thought Xena's family tree couldn't wouldn't shouldn't sprout another branch, Leah the Hestian Virgin Priestess makes her Xenaverse debut. Is Warrior...Priestess...Tramp too much of a good thing? How many look alikes can a grrl have? Xena may develop an identity crisis yet.

As a running joke, I love it. The more the merrier! Of all the doppelgangers, it's a toss up who I like more--Leah or Meg. The first half hour is extremely funny, then it becomes the predictable 'Xena saves the day.' Armus and Foster's 'My religion is better than your religion power play/mistaken identity' story is nothing new; the redeeming bits are the sly innuendo and the lively banter between the characters. I make no apologies for enjoying this ball of fluff. Lucy does such a kick ass job imbuing Xena, Meg, and Leah with distinct personalities and mannerisms; a treat to watch her work. Renee was in fine comedic form as well.

Oh my, I have prattled on. Without further ado, the ep review!

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Virgins R Us
• Like a Virgin
• A Walk on the Wild Side
• Once, Twice, Three Times a Xena

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

Patsy Cline's "Three Cigarettes in an Ashtray" becomes "Three Xena Look Alikes In a Temple" as sung by Gabrielle:

"Three Xena look alikes in a Temple,
My eyes don't believe what they see,
What am I to do? Xena where are you?"

Stealer Wheels' "Stuck in the Middle" as sung by Leah to Gabrielle:

"Strumpets to the left of me,
Warriors to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the brothel with you."

Divinyls "I Touch Myself" as sung by the Vitamin A deprived Hestian Virgin:

"I love my squash,
So firm smooth and juicy,
When I'm in the garden,
Why do I feel so dirty?
I love my squash,
I want to make it grow,
Oh no, oh, no, oh no!"

Whitney Houston's "I'm Every Woman" becomes "I'm not a Virgin" as sung by Gabrielle:

"I'm not a virgin,
Don't want to be,
No thank you Leah,
Xena would kill me."

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Xena/Meg/Leah's hair--the braidless look is a nice change of pace.
• The little yellow chiffon Hestian dresses.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• The bordello grrls ragtag dresses; granted, the dresses don't stay on for long, but, grrls, dontcha wanna look purty--show off yer assets?

LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX BABY

See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil. Well, so much for that, I'm thoroughly corrupted now. Are Armus and Foster *frustrated*? This innuendo laden, chock full o' naughty bits ep had references to: abstinence, sex, bestiality, B&D, S&M, sex, masturbation, other uses for vegetables, more sex, whipping, spanking, prostitution, even more sex, to swallow or not to swallow, penis size, sexual prowess--did I leave anything out? Is this ancient Greece or Sodom and Gomorra?!

HEY DJ, HIT REPLAY

What are there more of? Variations to the Joxer song or Xena look alikes? Do you really care? Probably not. In the spirit of 'more, more, more!' I've come up with another version of Joxer's song. The call girl choir sings:

"Joxer the Naughty
Needs a bit of discipline
He's a bit of a cheeky lad
Who's been very, very bad
Bend Joxer over your knee
A firm hand is what he needs
Spank him hard go right ahead
Paddle him 'til his bum is red
*Joxer interjects: Paddle me 'til my bum is red!*
He's Joxer, Joxer the Naughty!"
(Song ends with the sounds of spanking)

QUIBBLES

• The exterior shot of Meg's brothel looks verrrry similar to the midwife's house in Been There Done That.
• What is Solari the Amazon doing in a house of ill repute?

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Leah's melodramatic faint into the arms of the baddies.
• Leah's 'Joan of Arc tied to the stake' martyrdom pose and Ghandi-esque passive resistance.
• The goofy look on Leah's face as she joins hands with Xena to 'Praise Hestia!'
• Gabrielle giving Xena a friendly shoulder bump as they're sitting on the log.
• Gabrielle 'adjusting' Leah's wardrobe to look more Meg-ish.
• Joxer playing 6 degrees of separation.
• Meg searching for toe jam.
• Leah reworking the ditty "Onward Christian Soldiers" to "Onward Virgin Soldiers."
• The Bordello Babe Boogie dance accompanying Joxer's song.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

Balius' acting--ouch! He wasn't a convincing baddie and his delivery had more wood in it than a box of Lincoln Logs. The only believable line he uttered: "I don't understand, you told them not to swallow! You're not Meg."

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

L: "You really are a very nice, albeit misguided, young person Gabrielle. It's a great pity I didn't get a hold of you sooner. You would've made an excellent Hestian."
G: "Thanks, but I don't think so."
L: "Well, a chaste life's not so bad, once you get used to it. You simply have to follow the Hestian rules: Rule one, know thyself. Rule two--"
G: "Believe me, if I had to go the rest of my life without companionship, knowing myself won't be a problem."

Agh, don't take me there! I am not interested in how well Gabrielle 'knows herself'; I'm sure her 'companion' 'satisfies' that particular 'need to know'. Some things should remain a mystery.

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Gabrielle rescuing "Xena" from being burned at the stake (her exasperation at "Xena's" pigheadedness, throwing the knife which "Xena" dodges, her comical bouncing on the plank, and taunting the tubby blacksmith).
• Gabrielle figuring out Xena isn't Xena; Callisto? Diana? Meg?
• Gabrielle introducing Xena to Leah (dancing in place like an excited puppy, just 'dying' to show Xena her newest clone).
• Meg flopping down on the "Nice bed" and testing the squeaky springs.
• Meg guzzling the sacrificial wine and stuffing coins down her cleavage.
• Xena averting an attempt on her life and conducting a pinch interrogation while half listening to the Hestian Virgin's confession.
• Gabrielle's shocked expression when the head harlot smacks her on the bum.
• Meg proclaiming she's the holy woman.
• Meg head-butting a Balius baddie and hurting her head in the process.
• The closing shot: Leah making one last attempt to convert Gabrielle to chastity, Gabrielle balking, and Xena casting a sidelong, smirky, knowing glance at Gabrielle.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• How many more Xena look alikes are there in ancient Greece?
• Leah's accent; inspired by Elmer Fudd? Sister Wendy Beckett the British Nun/Art Historian? Or Madeleine Kahn's singing showgirl, Lily Von Schtupp, in Blazing Saddles?
• Is Leah The Church Lady's ancestor?
• Where oh where did Meg pick up her prizefighter worthy punches?
• Head Harlot to Gabrielle: "And we've got the basement all ready for you, are you coming?" What is the 'basement' and what (or rather who) is Gabrielle going to 'do' in the basement?

PROBLEM SOLVING AND PERSUASION

Xena, Meg, and Leah may look alike, but their individual approaches to problem solving are worlds apart:

NUT MEG

"C'mon seven! Priestess needs new sandals."

"I've been a virgin so many times I've lost count."

"Ya got some nerve, Priestess, abandoning your flock just when they needed you. And a woman of the cloth, probably sowing your wild oats! Ya make me sick."

"So, the little virgin wants to play rough, huh?"

"He asked me to fill in for her at the ceremony tonight. You know, hand out the wine, make up a few blessings, and I thought what the hey--I'm in the mood for a good deed."

X: "I thought I told you to stay put."
M: "Oh, well, I got thirsty."

"Souvenirs are giving me chafing."

"Curses!"

"It's me you want, I am the holy woman."

GET LEAH'D

"Very well. I will play the part of the wretched lush Meg."
"What's a freebie? Gabrielle, what's she talking about?"
"Take your filthy hands off me!"

L: "What do you think you're doing? I'm a Hestian Virgin!"
J: "Oh, I, I--right! Well, perhaps the Hestian Virgin would like to teach naughty Joxer a lesson."

X: "What about that outfit (identical to Xena's)?"
L: "I found this vile garment in my chamber--no offense."

"I hope that's a petting zoo. Oh please let that be a petting zoo."
"And now we pause for a brief musical interlude."

MISS GOODY TWO SHOES

Virtue vs. Vice. Chastity vs. Debauchery. Sugar, spice, and everything nice--that's what Hestian Virgins are made of. Pillaging, blood-guts and kicking lots of butt--that's what warriors are made of. To say Xena and Leah have a difference of opinion is putting it mildly. Their respective stances on religion and sex are glaring examples of 'divergent world views.'

L: "We must all place our faith in Hestia. Do I sense a non believer among us?"
X: "I just think you'd do better if you put more faith in yourself."
L: "Well, looks like someone's caught a speeding chariot straight for Tartarus. What about you Gabrielle?"
G: "Actually, I'm with Xena on this one."
L: "Heathens to the left of me, infidels to the right. Tremendous. Next thing you'll be telling me you're not virgins."

Leah gasps in horror as she realizes not only do Xena and Gabrielle defy the gods, they also defile their bodies.

L: "Oh Hestia, if denying the flesh is the path to true righteousness, then what lessons can I learn from these wanton strumpets."
G: "You don't have to be a virgin to be virtuous."
L: "Oh yes, you keep telling yourself that dear. Hestia, how can I pass your wisdom on to these women of questionable virtue who so obviously disregard the purity of their own bodies?"
G: "I was married at the time."
L: "Oh yes, well we all have our little excuses."

Leah writes off Xena as a lost cause, yet seems particularly disturbed Gabrielle has fallen to wicked ways; Leah prepares to shame her into abstinence, just say no! Leah begins her Virginity Restoration Campaign...

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

X to G: "What are you grinning at?"

"You don't want to be doing that, Meg."

G: "That's Meg."
X: "Well, it sure ain't no virgin."

X: "Stay here and don't make trouble."
M: "How could I make trouble? I'm a virgin!"

Hestian Virgin: "Wait, I need your advice!"
Xena: "Look, sometimes it's best to take matters into your own hands."

"You're a religious man, Balius, I have three words for you--say your prayers."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

"I get it. This is about me bugging you for more responsibility isn't it? You want to see if I can rescue you without your help. I can do that."
"You happy now? Of all the stubborn, pigheaded.."

Portly Blacksmith: "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
Gabrielle: "None of your business...tubby. That's right, I'm talking to you."

L: "My child, you seem a little troubled."
G: "Troubled is a polite word for what I am."

G: "Xena, for once, can you just play along."
X: "All right...Gee Gabrielle, who is it? I just simply have to know, the suspense is killi--Diana."
G: "Nope."
X: "Meg."
G: "That's wrong again. You give up? Xena Warrior Princess meet Leah the Priestess. The Hestian Priestess. The Hestian *Virgin* Priestess."

Temple Guy: " Virgins only."
Gabrielle: "What--is it stamped on my forehead?"

G to L: "Can you look sexy? Alluring?"

J: "What are you doing here?"
G: "I'd like to ask you the same thing, but I don't want to know."

G: "Where did you get this (Hestian virgin) outfit?"
L: "I found it in a back room. There were lots of costumes, maybe they were planning a party?"
G: "Never mind."

WHAT'S BEHIND DOOR NUMBER...?

Poor naïve, pristine, uncorrupted Leah. Impersonating Meg has opened her eyes--in more ways than one. While Leah's searching door to door for Gabrielle, she discovers the many manifestations of love; taking a nightmarish foray into Meg's slap and tickle world of Let's Make a Deal:

• Behind Door Number One: a man and a woman having a good romp.
• Behind Door Number Two: a woman 'disciplining' a naughty Blacksmith.
• Behind Door Number Three: a man and a sheep.

SENA'S SKILLS

• Wanton Strumpet
• Pwiestess Impersonator
• Rodeo Ropin' Gal
• Confessor

GABRIELLE

• Rescue 911/Fireman
• Catapult-ist
• Arsonist
• Bodice Ripper/Personal Clothing Stylist
• Madam

A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN

Find a couple more Xena look alikes, which shouldn't be too hard, and you have a fine softball team. Just imagine, Gabrielle as Team Mascot (the Un-Xena), Bat Grrl, and Assistant Coach. Now, imagine Xena pitching fastballs that break bats and crack ribs; Melinda, at second base, adjusting her glasses and the seams of her stockings; Priestess Leah, at first base, proselytizing to the opposing team; Princess Diana, in the outfield, dodging flyballs and tying bows on her mitt; and Meg, as the catcher, 'playing ball' with the umpire.

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

After leaving the Hestian Temple, Meg invites Xena and Gabrielle to spend the night at her bordello. After securing clean sheets and a private, out of the way room, Xena and Gabrielle retire for the evening...

Xena sidles up to Gabrielle, who's sitting in front of the fireplace, and whispers sweet, provocative nothings in her ear.
G: "Not tonight, Xena, I'm not in the mood."
X: "Since when?"
G: "Since this afternoon. I'm never, ever going into a brothel again."
X: *smirking* "I should hope not."
G: "You know what I mean. I had men groping me, Joxer leering at me, and I had a hard time figuring out who was who. Did you know I pinched Leah's behind?"
X: *laughs* "Is that so?"
G: *scowls at Xena* "I thought she was you."
X: "Gabrielle, I had no idea you were a corrupter of innocence."
G: "Speak for yourself."
*Xena pouts*
G: "Now you look like Meg."
*Xena glares*
X: "So, does this mean I'm going to be sharpening my sword all night?"
G: *teasing* "You could always take matters into your own hands."
*Xena 'tsks' at Gabrielle and pulls her into an embrace*
G: "I don't know."
X: "I've got props..."
Gabrielle pulls away quickly
G: "Props."
X: "Yes."
G: "Please tell me there are no sheep involved."
X: "Sheep? Gabrielle, wha--"
G: "Just checking."
*Xena gives Gabrielle a quizzical look*
G: "What kind of props?"
X: "Weeell, you'll just have to wait and find out. In the meantime, put this dress on."
G: "Oh, no, no, you wear it."
X: "No, I want you to wear it."
G: "Xena, you look so good in it, please?"
X: "Oh, all right."
G: "Thanks Leah, er, Xena."
*Xena shoots an annoyed glance at Gabrielle*
G: "Just kidding."
X: "No more Hestian Temples for you, strumpet."

DISCLAIMER

Despite another Xena look alike, the gene pool (or rather gene puddle) was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

The Goddess of Love gives Gabrielle an enchanted scroll, not one of Aphrodite's better ideas. Anything Gabrielle writes comes true--Ares loses his power! Ooooo. Xena's chakram turns into a fish! Ewwww. What other shenanigans will the chatty blond conjure up?

LaLa