<RANT>

I could blame a myriad of things for the delayed ep reviews, but in actuality, I have found little to spark my creativity. I'm either bored to tears or disgusted by yet another mediocre ep; I've lost track of how many eps should've been good, but the potential was unrealized -- leaving me with great moments within a so-so ep. Which in turn, makes me less than enthusiastic to rewatch it. I'm beginning to wonder, is season 5 turning into season 4 all over again? You can tell by the lack of season 4 reviews how 'inspiring' that season was. 

Rather than expend the time and energy reviewing Purity and Back in the Bottle separately, I'm gonna lump 'em together and get it all over at once. I've never done this before, but then, I've never watched such suck ass eps before either. Desperate times call for desperate measures ;) Please keep in mind, since I refuse to watch these eps again I will leave some things out. Part of me just doesn't care to be that thorough in my critique and frankly, there's more than enough grist for the mill...

Top 10 things I'd rather do than watch Purity and Back in the Bottle: Make each of the1001 crafts you can create with yarn and macaroni.

1. Attend a 'Sexual Harassment' and 'Ethics in the Workplace' one-on-one talk with Bill Clinton.
2. Watch all the episodes of Touched By An Angel...in one sitting.
3. Read the autobiographies of Jesse Helms, Pat Robertson, and Rush Limbaugh.
4. Describe my sex life to my mother -- in explicit detail. 
5. Put M&M's in alphabetical order.
6. Attend a Beanie Babies convention.
7. Play strip poker with Howard Stern.
8. Have a dinner party and invite all my ex-girlfriends.
9. Get a tattoo of Kevin Sorbo's face on my ass.

Before I trash Purity and Back in the Bottle, allow me to digress and discuss the new season in general.

Season 5 started off with such promise. Fallen Angel, Chakram, and Succession were good eps. All three written by seasoned Xenastaff writers: RJ Stewart, Chris Manheim, and Steve Sears. I was hopeful that this streak of eps was a sign of things to come. My first indication of trouble was Animal Attraction, an ep with promise, but no payoff.  However, a bad apple in the bunch is no reason to despair, right? Wrong.

The demise in quality and my waning interest in the show started with Them Bones (originally a Steve Sears script), but due to 'rewrites' by ex-Hercules writers and now Xena 'creative consultants' Orzi & Kurtzman, the final product was a convoluted and tacky mess. What a waste -- of a good story, of a great villain, of a duel-to-the-death showdown. I wonder what Sears' original script was like? I'm convinced it was infinitely better than the rewrite. The Sinbad-esque skeleton sword
fight was dumb, dumb, dumb! (Save it for Hercules, I prefer my chicks to kick ass in the flesh.)

I had trepidation about Purity and Back In The Bottle; you cannot do Chin eps without inevitable comparisons to The Debts and the wonderful character of Lao Ma. Turns out the feeling was well founded. While The Debts were emotionally rich, complex, and interesting eps, by contrast, Purity and Back In the Bottle were emotionally flat, simpleminded, and downright boring. I noticed that Orzi and Kurtzman were also 'creative consultants' for these eps. (I think 'creative consultants' is a misnomer. I sincerely doubt these gentlemen would even recognize creativity if it bit them on their collective ass. The term 'hatchet men' is a far more accurate title.) I no longer thought it was a coincidence that Bones, Purity, and Bottle sucked; now I had a pretty good idea why. Granted, more goes into a cruddy ep than just the writing, but if you start with crap, then you'll get nothing but crap as an end result.

[ On a side note, there are other contributing factors to a sub-par season 5: Lucy seems to be giving less than 100% (could the pregnancy by affecting her?); the character of Joxer the Jealous Ass is more annoying than ever; season 5 Gabrielle cannot be a storyteller _and_ a fighter, yet during season 3, she was both; and most season 5 directors can't film an action scene properly -- I'm tired of the jiggle cam and the cropping of shots that leaves the majority of action outside the frame -- Oley Sassone, where are you? Speaking of fight scenes, where are they? Oh sure, Gabrielle busts heads here and there, but she's not given enough screen time. Xena either fights by skeleton proxy or uses chi power *yawn* The show no longer has compelling action scenes and I find that hard to believe given the level of creativity the fight coordinator has displayed in the past. Xena's current fighting style is a result of laziness and taking the easy way out. I realize Lucy can't get in the fray while pregnant, but Gabrielle could take up the slack, the stunt doubles could be used extensively in fight scenes, and Xena could find more resourceful ways of battling the bad guys. ]

Other than the 'contributions' of Orzi & Kurtzman, my peeve is with the writing -- IT'S THE RELATIONSHIP, STUPID. I want to see Xena and Gabrielle interact; I don't want to see pyrotechnics, obnoxious CGI, red shirt love interests, Joxer acting jealous, or the grrls splitting apart so Gabrielle can run errands while Xena teams up with the sub-protagonist of the week to defeat the badguy. Kind of hard to have interplay between the lead characters when they rarely share the screen.

Something else I've noticed (and not just this season) that contributes to the 'mediocre ep syndrome'; of all the writers at TPTB's disposal, let me amend that -- of all the _good writers_ at TPTB's disposal, where are they? RJ Stewart, Chris Manheim, and Steve Sears usually pen good eps, but they can't write them all. Where are scripts by other writers familiar with the Xenaverse? I haven't seen a script by Hilary J. Bader or Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster in quite some time. And what of writers who've written one good ep never to be heard from again? The Plays The Thing (Ashley Gable & Thomas A. Swyden) and One Against An Army (Gene O'Neill and Noreen Tobin). Why not bring them back a second time?

With the loss of Steve Sears (which has already affected the show detrimentally) and RJ Stewart writing for Cleopatra 2525, who's left minding the stories? Chris Manheim and who? Oh sure, RJ is now returning to Xena (Cleopatra 2525 is on hiatus) and if rumors are true, Orzi &Kurtzman are out the door; however, the damage is done. I'm struggling to find a reason to watch the show and to give a damn about the grrls (something I thought I'd never say).

Purity and Back in the Bottle can be summed up in two words: boring and stupid. In both eps, neither Xena or Gabrielle were acting like themselves, as if the characters forgot who they were and how they interact. Xena was plagued by major self-doubt and she whined. (What a turnoff! Look out, it's Xena the Whining Warrior Princess!) Gabrielle had no time to connect with Xena because she's too busy being gopher grrl with Joxer or the Red Shirt Luv Interest of the Week. As if that wasn't bad enough, Xena (as the passive fighting vessel) was a bore to watch and Gabrielle wasn't given enough opportunity to fight. To make matters worse, both of them were covered head to toe (so much for any scraps of eye candy to take my mind off the dismal plots!) and subtext was painfully and conspicuously absent. Remind me again why I'm watching?

Granted, there were good bits in Purity (Gabrielle played footsie for the black powder; Gabrielle got herself out of trouble on her own) and Back in the Bottle had a few good scenes (Xena turned bunnies to stone while Gabrielle impatiently watched; Gabrielle used a staff to fight; Gabrielle told Xena to stand down and let her do the dirty work; Red Shirt told Gabrielle to get back in touch with her storyteller self), but even these brief moments couldn't redeem these dismal eps.

PURITY QUIBBLES

• Who wrote the note that the dead monk carried? (Was it Lao Ma? Is she penning notes from the afterlife?) It's never explained and doesn't make any sense.

• What's with Xena's forgetfulness? First, when the grrls get the note, Xena acts as if Lao Ma is alive, until Gabrielle reminds her otherwise -- "Oh , yeah" (oh yeah indeed, forgot about that death thing); second, Xena didn't meet Lao Ma for the first time in the forest; Lao Ma traveled to meet her and Borias in their warlord camp.

• Let me get this right, a good twin and an evil twin? (I bet you can't even guess which twin is good and which one is bad. Hint: one dresses in white and one dresses in red.) How cliche! Oh, but wait, let me guess the plot...the bad twin is bent on world domination and Xena must team up with the good twin to defeat the evil twin. During the battle to the death, a deep dark family secret will be revealed! Of course, before goodness can prevail, there'll be the requisite evil twin histrionics and cheesy fortune cookie babbling by Xena and the good twin. Gee, what fun is a story when you know the ending within the first five minutes?

• Here's an idea that would've made a much better ep. Have only one daughter of Lao Ma (the evil one) face off against Xena (the hawk) and Gabrielle (the dove). That way we get to have Xena and Gabrielle on screen -- fighting and problem-solving together. Get rid of the boring and Milquetoast good twin and send Joxer on all the errands.

• Huh, Lao Ma now has a temple. What else might she have that we don't know about that makes no sense? (Perhaps an exercise video -- the chi ball of fury workout?) The existence of Lao Ma's temple goes against what was set up in The Debts -- Lao Ma never took credit for her book of wisdom, it was always credited to her comatose husband, as was any benevolent decree from the throne.

• Just how many kids does Lao Ma have scattered about Chin anyway? I can hardly wait for the next son or daughter to appear.

• Why bother filming a Chin ep if you can't get Jacqueline Kim to reprise her role as Lao Ma? Bring her back in spirit or better yet, in the flesh (because we all know death means nothing in the Xenaverse). Those Lao Ma flashbacks were inadequate and lent little to the story -- it was a cheap 'n lazy ploy. If I have to see that "...to know the way" speech one more time, I'll ram a hairpin in my temple.

• The power of Lao Ma's book was treated simplistically and unrealistically. No longer was Lao Ma's book a book of wisdom, but a recipe book for chi power. Ah yes, turn to page 10 and chant the necessary mantra to manifest hands that can zap cabbage, warriors, and bothersome siblings.

• When did the power of Lao Ma (the chi balls of fury as shown in The Debts) transform into lightning bolt laser rays? Continuity anyone?

• Since when did Gabrielle become a horrible cook and Joxer the culinary expert? Hmmm, from what I remember of the past _4_ seasons, Gabrielle has always been a good cook -- it's Joxer that hasn't.

• If Gabrielle was able to blow open an iron lock with the black powder, how come she still has all her fingers?

• At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I will once again harp on the action scenes. I missed a perfectly good Gabby back flip because the jackass director couldn't film an action sequence.

• Xena hugs the good twin, but doesn't hug Gabrielle. What's wrong with this picture?
• The evil twin had a lame malevolent laugh -- sounded like she sat on a tack.
• There certainly were a lot of white guys in the Chin army.
• Jeff Vlaming wrote this ep, which explains a lot when I realized he also wrote Takes One To Know One -- one of my least favorite eps. He's batting 2 for 2.

BACK IN THE BOTTLE QUIBBLES

• In the past, the actor who played Ming Tien made an entertaining villain (a graduate of the William Shatner school of acting). Unfortunately, his presence was wasted.

• The scenes of Xena 'fighting' were dull and ridiculous. Xena stood still, arms held out in her best imitation of Christ pose, made facial expressions and sounds as if Gabrielle was underneath her skirt snacking. In contrast, when Lao Ma fought, she was interesting to watch -- despite her lack of movement. Why couldn't that translate? It didn't help that Xena was on the defensive -- reacting and standing under her bubble -- that stupid, pink, fucking bubble. Surely, the CGI wonks could've come up with something that looked cool, rather than quaint. As if the bubble wasn't hokey enough, the black powder rockets 'poinked' off the bubble. Poinked! (Well, what should I expect from a sissy pink bubble?) That eyesore of a bubble negated the dramatic tension and emotional weight of the battle. It appeared more like an arcade game and I kept waiting for 'Game Over' to flash on the screen.

• Question: Is Lao Ma's power -- (a) the loss of will and desire, as originally set forth in The Debts; (b) or is it the power of love and positive thinking as shown in this ep? Answer: Whatever is convenient for the plot.

• Kiss another good fight scene of Gabrielle kicking ass 'Buh-bye!' PULL BACK the camera. STOP JIGGLING the camera -- there's more than enough movement as it is without making me reach for the Dramamine -- this ain't Blair Witch Project.

• Gabrielle dismissing the power of love? Excuse me while I reach for a QTip -- I think I misheard. What's with the character defying, radical shift in philosophy? Sure, there's optimism tempered with realism, but this is _not_ the Gabrielle I've been exposed to for 4 seasons. Makes about as much sense as Xena giving up violence and becoming a Hestian Virgin.

• Oh, it must be season one, because Gabrielle has a Red Shirt Luv Interest of the Week! Goodness, men and women just can't be friends or colleagues can they? There always has to be a sexual angle to everything.

• Gabrielle says "Home can be a person"? That's my 'subtext' crumb???  How obtuse is that? That's akin to me responding "Huggy Bear shops in the Mission District," to the question, "Hey LaLa, do you have a grrlfriend?"

• How can a tent hold a vacuum? (Perhaps the same way that a Dixie cup, a piece of gum, and some string can be utilized as a thermonuclear device.)

• Why didn't red shirt boy use his sword to get himself and Gabrielle out of the net? Why didn't they use one of the knives holding the net in the ground to cut the net? Why were they able to rip the net apart _after_ the improbable tent vacuum, but not before? Why couldn't they throw dirt on the line of gunpowder to douse the flame (as Xena did for Gabrielle in Purity)?

• Soldiers turn to stone. More soldiers turn to stone. But wait, the CGI overkill isn't over yet, even more soldiers turn to stone. I think I get the point, can we move on or are we just killing time and making oversized Chin lawn gnomes? I know this was a reference to the recent find in China, but I thought it was overkill.

• Joxer...I didn't think my disdain for this character could transform so quickly from an intellectual, personal-preference-based dislike to an uncontrollable, Pavlovian, visceral loathing -- but it has. Joxer the Jealous Ass is so unnecessary. I thought, erroneously, that Chakram had nipped Joxer's pining for Gabrielle in the bud. Guess not. It's pathetic and boorish to watch Joxer foist his romantic expectations upon Gabrielle and act like a territorial pig.

• Joxer doesn't deliver any comic relief -- it's a combination of the character (whom I detest) and the actor (whom I believe to be utterly deficient in the comedic skills department). Why not give the real comedians (Lucy and Renee) the material? Heck, why not ditch Joxer and give us Salmoneus and Autolycus? At least those characters (and actors) know how to play up the humor.

</RANT> I now return you to the regularly scheduled ep reviews in progress.

LaLa