Clothes are a no-no at the Gabby a go-go

"The Quill is Mightier" is a Xena lite ep--horrors! (insert a melodramatic faint worthy of Priestess Leah) Any ep without the dark mean chick is handicapped from the get go. I want X *and* G. Not X. Not G (and certainly not Kenny G!) Renee, as usual, flexes her excellent comedicmuscle; Ted is good too, even though the character of Joxer gets on my nerves at times. Is it me, or does Hilary J. Bader (who wrote Been There Done That) characterize Joxer in a more palatable way? I must say, this was a much better Xena lite ep than King of Assassins. The addition of Ares and Aphrodite (whose familial bickering I thoroughly enjoyed), as well as, Minya helped ease the 'pain, suffering, and mental anguish' of Xena's absence. The Reader's Digest version of this ep: Aphrodite enchants one of Gabrielle's scrolls and "Hilarity ensues!" (as my naughty Xenite friend would say).

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Truth is Stranger Than Fiction
• To Write a Wrong
• 'Til I Get It Right
• The Bard Can't Help It
• You Can Sing a Tune, But You Can't Tuna Fish
• Pulp Fiction
• Cave Dwellers

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

Heart's "Magic Man" becomes "Magic Scroll" as sung by Aphrodite:

"Go on and scribe, bard, think of the good you'll do,
Imagine no war, disease--the injustices you'll undo,
No matter what you write,
Try as you might, You just can't get it right, cuz
It's a Magic Scroll, Yeah, it's a Magic Scroll."

Peaches and Herb's "Shake Your Groove Thing" becomes "Shake Your Bard Thing" as sung by Joxer:

"There's nothing more I'd like to view,
Than three Gabrielles dancing nude,
Keep dancing--don't stop dancing,
Move it, groove it,
Shake your bard thing,
Shake your bard thing,
Yeah yeah!"

Cole Porter's "Anything Goes" as sung by Gabrielle:

"I write 'dark mean leather clad chick' and who appears but Minya and her whip,
Now heaven knows--anything goes!"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Gab's fab abs.
• The warlord Thelonious' funky 'flying fish gills' helmet.
• The three Gabrielles' sleek and stylish birthday suits.
• Aphrodite's pink cotton candy, see-through, Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie.
• Ares' hairy chest.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Scabarus ("My kinsman's sword!" also known as the rouged Roman) looks like a cast off from the Ben Hur set; his atrocious gold lame chest plate, his 'skirt', his rosy cheeks, and those bangs! Ugh, taking Dippity Do curls to another level of hairdressing hell.

DEVIOUS DEITIES

Gag Aphie with a spoon! Two little grodie graffiti grunions deface her temple. What's a bitchin' babe to do? Aph's gotta vent her vibes on someone and her oh so helpful bro, Ares, offers a suggestion.

Ares: "You know what your problem is?"
Aphrodite: "Duh! Your little Xena."
Ares: "Don't blame her. It's Gabrielle and her busy quill. That's your problem."

And so, the goddess of Love hatches a plan to quiet the quill of a certain bard.

OOPS, LET'S TRY THAT AGAIN, SHALL WE?

In the throes of a Mother Teresa moment, Gabrielle uses her magic scroll to rectify society's ills. Unfortunately, she needs to work on the wording...

Gabrielle to Joxer: "Do you realize, now that I know the power of the scroll, I can end hunger, I can end disease, I can end war!" *writes on scroll* "The will of mortals won out and war lost all its power."

*Ares falls from the sky*

Ares: "My powers! What's happened to my powers?! You! What have you done to me?"
Gabrielle: "Um, it's not my fault. I can fix this." *writes on scroll*
"The force that enchanted the scroll lost it's powers."

*Aphrodite falls from the sky and lands on Ares*

Aphrodite: "Whoa, wipeout!"

JOXER THE MIGHTY SIDEKICK

Aphrodite: "Did you write him here?"
Gabrielle: "Not exactly. I--"
Ares: *grabs scroll and reads* "Ah, Gabrielle awoke with a jerk." *Ares and Aphrodite laugh*
Joxer: "I still don't see what's so funny about waking up."

G: "You see, I use metaphors. I write, "Xena burst on the scene in a blaze of glory.""
J: "You do that and we'll be picking her up in a million pieces."

"Xena lands with a pike. Then a trout. Bam! Bam! Two quick basses. That octopus came out of nowhere, she must have thrown that just for the halibut."

THOSE BOOTS, THAT LEATHER, THAT WHIP--MINYA?

Gabrielle attempts to bring Xena back by describing her. She gets a bit of help from The Committee.

Gabrielle: *writes on scroll* "Suddenly, there was the arrival of the woman--"
Ares: "Leather...mention the leather."
"-- and dark hair, a chakram--ooo scratch that--a whip, and shazam!
Ares: "Who's this?"
Gabrielle: "This is Minya, she's our friend. She wants to be Xena. And she has Xena's whip."

MINYA: HORMONAL AND HOMICIDAL

Hooray! The whip wielding, butt kicking, hero worshipping, Xena wanna-be is back!

"I'm here! I don't know why, but I know I'm here to do something."

"So, who's the stud, the dork, and the bottle blond?"

"Ares! God of War! And Aphrodite--you're the goddess of Love! And Joxer...sorry bub, never heard of you."

"My hormones are peaking. I'm ready for action. I want to crack some heads."

M: "You know, I expected more from the god of War. I mean without his powers, he's just another man. Just another big ol' leather clad, well muscled, gorgeous, hunk of bad boy man."
G: "How are those hormones Minya?"
M: "Raging."

QUIBBLES

Goodness knows Gabrielle gets into trouble without even trying, but for once, I'd like to see her solve a problem without Xena's intervention.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• The graffiti, especially 'Xena is da bomb'.
• The 'abs of steel' reference.
• Joxer misunderstanding which 'scabbard' the Sisters of Gaea are interested in.
• Joxer inventing the Hands Free Beer Helmet.
• Joxer's sportscaster-esque play by play of the fish fight.
• The running joke of Aphrodite's hygiene crisis.
• The caves.
• One of Gabrielle's triplets licking her finger in a sssssssizzle hot gesture at Joxer and his dopey grin in return.
• Falafel man as the Peddler.
• Minya sleeping with Xena's whip and Aphrodite snoring like a freight train.
• The continuous wisp of smoke emanating from Thelonious.
• Ares imitating Xena's steely gaze.
• Xena's expression as she relates meeting the naked Gabrielles and Gabrielle's reaction.
• Ares catching a whiff of the fragrant Aphrodite.
• Xena shooting a look of disdain at Joxer after he admits to writing the limerick.
• The pike chakram.

THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL FROM NANTUCKET

Heck, what's one more reeeaaally bad limerick? At least I won't invoke nekkid women or ale from the sky (then again...)

Limericked for your pleasure:

There once was a Bard from Potedaia
Who tried to do good deeds without Xena
Whatever she penned
Backfired time and again
Hey Gab, so much for that great idea

GIVE ME A SIGN

Thelonious: "But what's the signal?"
Ares: "You'll know when you see it."

And so the other running joke begins. The Eager Beaver Second in Command keeps asking "Is that the signal?" and Thelonious replies, "No." Later in the ep, Thelonious spies a peddler chased by five barbarians, three nekkid grrls, a rouged Roman, and a whip wielding woman; he declares, "If that's not a sign from Ares, I don't know what is."

CONTINUITY KUDOS

Minya still has Xena's whip.

AND THEY CALL IT PUPPY LOVE

Joxer, Joxer, Joxer. Give it up, Gabrielle is clueless! If she can't figure it out from the nekkid triplets, the 'can I carry your scroll case?' looks of adoration, or trading your scabbard for a necklace--there ain't a snowballs chance in Tartarus she'll figure it out any time soon. My suggestion: go back to Meg.

SIBLING SQUABBLES

Ares: "You figured that all out by yourself did you?"
Aphrodite: "Hey, don't believe everything you hear about blondes."

Ares to Gabrielle: "I promise, if you give my powers back, I'll call off the attack, ok?"
Aphrodite: *disbelieving laugh* "Pigs can fly!"
Ares: "You can."

BURNING QUESTIONS

• Does Gabrielle invent fiction?
• How is it the goddess of Love knows so little about personal hygiene?
• Why does the warlord, Thelonious, look like Robert Goulet? Why do I want to call him Thelonious Monk?
• The town of Echinacea--how did homeopathy sneak in here? What next? The town of Ginkoba?
• Is Aphrodite a Trailer Trash Chick at heart? (if so, she and Meg would make a deadly dive bar tag team...)

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Gabrielle's good intentions gone bad.
• Joxer's sweet, yet doomed attempts to win Gabrielle's affection.
• Not so much sad as shocking--Joxer and Minya kissing.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

Ares is the last person I would expect Gabrielle to choose as a traveling companion. What is the chatty one's motive? To check out the competition? It doesn't take long for their conversation to turn toward their favorite subject--Xena.

A: "I gave her a purpose."
G: "Well, she has a different purpose now."
A: "I know. She's so darn good at it. You know what she did when I had her on trial for her life? It was amazing."
G: "How about what she pulled off with The Furies?"
A: "It was brilliant. And she does it all with that steely gaze, you know?"
G: "Oh yeah, I've seen that one a few times. Ah, looks like he's (the peddler) heading for the caves."
A: "Yeah. We were starting to warm up to each other there, weren't we?"
G: "Yeah, we were."
A: "I didn't like it."
G: "Right back at you."

Could it be? Gabrielle and Ares bonding? Oh my. And what about the long mutual stare and Ares' playful "What's that?" something on your BGSB made you look nose swipe?

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

I admit it, I'm reeeally reaching for this dubious little morsel.

G: "You know, I tried to get you back. I tried, 'Xena goes to her number one friend.'"
X: "You sent me to visit a girl I hadn't seen since I was five, my first friend."
<snip o rama>
X: "And then I knew that something was up. I had visited just about everyone who ever meant anything to me, except you. That's when I headed back."
*Xena and Gabrielle smile at one another for a long moment*
Aphrodite: "Look, I really hate to break up, like, a major love fest."

OFF ON A TANGENT

Many a Xenite wonders, what's up with the fish thing? I think it's a poke at Robert Tapert's fondness for fishing, not a sly allusion to lesbianism. Now I could be wrong, if so, just whack me upside the head with a Tuna, take away my toaster oven, and revoke my membership in the 'smells like diesel' dyke nation now.

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Xena, Gabrielle, and Aphrodite around the campfire; Xena sensing and dismissing a presence (Aphrodite), refusing to sniff the scroll, and daring Gabrielle to write fiction; Aphrodite making herself comfy, preparing to put a spell on Gabrielle, but liking Xena's suggestion better; Gabrielle 'becoming one' with her materials, chattering away oblivious to Aphrodite's scrutiny, and taking up Xena's creativity challenge.
• Gabrielle's Wonder Woman spin, Bolshoi Ballet kicks, and Cossack legs o' fury dance atop her staff.
• Joxer beating himself up with Gabrielle's staff.
• The barbarians going west...going east...going to the boats...going to the cave.
• Joxer's limerick coming to life: Ares spellbound, sizing up the triplets, and smoothing his 'stache; Joxer fighting a losing battle to gawk at the gyrations in triplicate; and Gabrielle, at first confused, then shocked, and, finally, mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore to the caves with y'all!

SHAKE YOUR RUMP TO THE FUNK

The nekkid Gabrielles remind me of the TV show Laugh In--Sock it to me! Not only was Joxer captivated by the triple whammy of gyrating Gabbys, Ares seemed quite taken as well--to the point of slack jaw leering. Perhaps Ares now understands what Xena sees in Gabrielle.

EXTRAORDINARY HOW POTENT CHEAP MUSIC IS

LoDuca, you are a naughty boy. The cheesy chirpy cheerful little 60's go-go riff was the perfect accompaniment to the 'other' Gabby Dance.

ARES: WHY DO GOOD GIRLS LOVE BAD BOYS?

Ares to Aphrodite: "You gave this blond harpy powers of destiny?"

A to G: "Those caves are gonna start gettin' pretty full."

"Run maggot! Oooo, I still got it."

DISHIN' WITH 'DITE

Aphrodite: "Did the little blond girlie scare the big hairy men?"
Barbarian: "We are barbarians. We fear nothing. We fight with the heart of a lion."
Aphrodite: "And you run with the feet of a chicken."

"Ex-squeeze me!"
A to G: "Oh, so now it's a curse? Before it was a gift."
"Why won't it stay up? Basic hair care was not such a drag as a goddess."
"I'm new to this mortal hygiene thing."

J: "Um, there's this guy and he really loves this girl, but this girl doesn't even know--"
A: "Hello! The Love goddess is off the clock. I got my own problems."
*Joxer pouts* "All right. Poetry. And if that doesn't work, presents."
J: "Yeah?"
A: "Lots and lots of presents. Ok? Standard answer. Now, gimme my space."

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

X to G: "You looking for this? I took it off a peddler who was being chased by barbarians, who were chased by three naked Gabrielles, and Minya. She's still chasing them, by the way. Oh, I read the scroll."
G: "Kind of messed it up, didn't I?"
X: "Pretty much. Did you write that limerick?"
J: "I did!"
X: "Figures."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

G: "I love starting a new scroll. The feel of it in your hands, the look--so clean, so perfectly empty. Listen...the way it crinkles the first time you open it and that smell--it's just a special, untouched scent. Try."
X: "Smells like musty old leather to me."
G: "Well, to the non-creative person, perhaps."

X: "Don't you ever get tired of just writing down what I do? Why don't you create new characters. New images."
G: "You mean fiction? Well, I thought about trying that someday. Do you really think I could?"
X: "Give it a shot--quietly. Goodnight.
G: *begins to write* "Xena--"
X: "And make someone else the hero for a change."
G: *writes* "Xena had gone fishing. The lone warrior, Gabrielle, awoke with a jerk as five barbarians rode out of the woods. Twirling her trusty staff, she delivered kicks of such fury...This fiction stuff can be real fun!"

"Round and round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows."

"Did you see that? Backflips! I don't do backflips."

"Where's Xena? Who were those..? How did you..? Wait a minute."

"I can write anything and it comes true!"

J: "What do we do now?"
G: "What do we do? What won't we do."

"There's always one drunk who spoils it for everyone."

"I'm supposed to be the great bard with the wonderful stories. I can't even write a happy ending without screwing it up."

"To the caves."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Fisher King
• Fish Shtick Flinger (kickin' ass with lots o' bass)
• Fish-a-pult

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Paperback Writer
• Do-gooder
• Freeloader
• Nose Tweaker
• Throat Throttler
• Go Go Dancer

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Xena encounters three nekkid Gabrielles, who are overjoyed to see the Warrior Princess:

Xena: "One at a time, one at a time! Wait, what am I saying? All at once, all at once!"

Xena and Gabrielle have made camp for the night. As they lie on their bedroll and gaze up at the stars, Gabrielle breaks the comfortable silence:

G: "Xena, you know that extra space at the bottom of the scroll?"
X: "Yes."
G: "Well, if you could write anything and have it come true, what would you write?"
X: "More hot tubs and lost bars of soap." *waggles eyebrows*
G: "Xena! Get your mind out of the--"
X: "I don't know, Gabrielle. What would you write?"
G: "For one, a regenerating loaf of nutbread."
X: "Sans Henbane."
G: "Definitely sans Henbane. I would also write 'Xena lets me scribe all the stories about her I want.'"
X: "You do that anyway."
G: "At least I'd have you stop whining about it."
X: *indignant* "Warriors do not whine."
G: "Whatever. I'd write 'Xena willingly engages in sensitive chats with her best friend in the known world.'"
X: "And who would that be, Argo?"
G: *scowls and punches Xena's arm*
X: "Ow!"
G: "Smartass. Just for that I'd write 'Xena wears pea soup green frilly frou frou dresses instead of leather.'"
X: "That's Princess Diana's department, not mine."
G: "Ooo, that gives me a great idea! Three naked, dancing Xenas!"
X: "Gabriiielle--"
G: "Oh come on, besides entertaining me, your triplets would keep mine company." *smiles suggestively*
X: "I hadn't thought of that."
*Xena and Gabrielle engage in a moment wistful fantasy*
X: "But don't you think there are more than enough Xena look alikes already?"
G: "Hmmm, you do have a point there."

HAIKU! BLESS YOU

My fab abs of steel
Deflect all except Joxer's
Infatuation

Ew, what is that smell?
(Cleanliness is godliness)
Yep, Love really stinks

DISCLAIMER

No naked Gabrielles were harmed in the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

What is the sound of 'you know what' hitting the fan? We're gonna find out. Hope, Gabrielle's demon spawn, returns with a bad coif, a bad dress, and a bad attitude. Callisto escapes the lava and joins forces with Hope. Causing Xena heartache is on the menu tonight. So, get in, sit down, and hang on--it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Laura a.k.a. LaLa