If you can't say anything nice about Season 5 come sit next to me ;)

Season 5 started off with such potential; then it spiraled off into increasingly outlandish and alternatingly predictable stories better suited to the defunct Hercules. Watching this season was like riding shotgun with Tapert, er, Toonces the Cat; before you knew it, you were careening over the embankment -- plummeting to a slow and painful death by inanity. Season 5 was a meandering mess of mind-numbing mediocrity that squandered Xena and Gabrielle's credibility individually and as "soulmates."

I ask myself, "Self, what was the point of Season 5?"

"To give out of work Hercules writers a job and a forum to tell that twilight of the gods clap trap?"

"To give this lapsed Lutheran a brush up on Sunday School lessons?"

"To show how preposterous and lame cryogenics and time travel are as plot devices?"

"To show me the unimaginable -- that Eve is even more annoying than Joxer?"

"To prove that I am a sucker for punishment by continuing to watch the show week after week?"

"All of the above?"

I vacillate between apathy and disappointment; between wanting to laugh at the inane Rip Van Winkle 25 year leap into the future and cry for the M.I.A. status of Xena and Gabrielle's relationship.

Oh the XWP salad days, where have they gone?!

Despite my crotchety and cynical state of mind, I'm holding out hope that Rob and Co. will remove their heads from their arses and get it together for Season 6. Cuz this is it, peeps, the _final_ season. I would rather the show go out smellin' like a rose than with the stench of a show that's past it's prime. I mean really, could they possibly write another season so bad, so poorly thought out and executed that it deserves a special place in the Hall of Syndicated Stank?

(Um, perhaps I should take that back -- I don't want jinx the upcoming season ;) )

But back to bitchytown, cuz I ain't done dissecting Season 5 yet. C'mon, Xenites, let's join hands and skip merrily along as I lay the smacketh down.

CAVALCADE OF CHARACTERS WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN*

Argo
Gabrielle's Horse With No Name
Autolycus
Salmoneous
Minya
Cyrene
Gabrielle's parents, Hecuba and Herodotus
Najara
Callisto
Ephiny
The Amazons
Meg
Princess Diana
Priestess Lea
Eve (oops, still stuck with her)
Joxer (finally!)
Cupid
Aphrodite
Ares

*cuz they're dead, old, an angel flitting around immaculately impregnating women, or a god (formerly immortal) who's now an average schmoe dressed in funny clothes.

CHARACTER CONUNDRUMS

Consistent characterization has never been XWP's strong point. Most of the time I can accept this and move on, however, there are some things about this season that I just gotta get off my chest.

I have a big ass bone to pick about the 'Twilight' of the gods:

• Getting rid of the Greek gods was a mistake. They were interesting in that they were very much human -- like squabbling kids on a playground with super powers. Every god had a personality and foibles to match. The writers could make fun of them one moment and in the next, explore weighty religious ideas without offending anybody.  
• This is in stark contrast to the 'goody two shoes faux Jesus' Eli and all the heaven, hell, *yawn* angel, demon stuff that isn't supposed to be Christianity, but really, who the f*ck do they think they're fooling?
• Who will replace the gods as a foil/foe? Their absence creates a huge void that the one off baddie-of-the-week cannot fill.
• The decline of the gods storyline was BORING and PREDICTABLE and WENT ON FOREVER LIKE A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR BOSS ABOUT VARIOUS COLON CLEANSING THERAPIES.
• I'll miss Aphrodite! She's a vain troublemaker who has a soft spot for Gabrielle that is so sweet to watch. She will be sorely missed -- I'm heartbroken there won't be any more moments like Bruna and Hilda "The Tag Team Wrestlin' Swedish Siamese Twins!"
• So much for Artemis, patron goddess of the Amazons, who made a brief appearance during the big showdown only to be killed off moments later. What a waste of decent goddess.
• Athena -- another wasted opportunity. She could've been a great antagonist for Xena and Gabrielle (much like Ares), but now she's dead, dead, dead. I'll also miss Athena's honey of the week -- such a ladykiller.
• A mortal Ares is no fun (think whiny beefcake in 10 Little Warlords). What's he gonna do? Be a Xena groupie? Follow her around and beg to be her bedwarmer? Boring!
• Hmmm, wasn't the show supposed to be set in the time of the Greek gods? Perhaps it should be amended to "the time of the Greek gods transitioning into quasi-Christianity with a smattering of Hinduism, Judaism and Buddhism."
• Ok, who was asleep at the typewriter and forgot that in the season 2 ep, "Xena Scrolls", Ares is freed from his tomb as a god? Wow, guess they painted themselves into a corner eh? I wonder what lame excuse they'll trot out to explain this one away. It's this kind of willy nilly adherence to plot and character continuity that marks the Xena writers and producers as individuals suffering from group attention deficit disorder. For example, y ou don't see this kind of slipshod storytelling on Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

As if the demise of the gods wasn't bad enough, what they did to Callisto has sent me into a froth:

• The biggest mistake of all -- to reform Callisto and turn her into "see/hear/think/say/do no evil" angel. I can't tell you how much I hate the cliche of "villain redeemed." I don't want a touchy feely ending to her character. Callisto was her best when she was bad and now my last impression of her is a "golly gee, doe-eyed woman child with wings." *gag* I would much prefer to see Callisto as unrepentant and forever damned. Callisto's swan song should've been her death in Sacrifice II -- it was a fitting and powerful ending.
• It's creepy that Callisto is the "father" and spirit of Xena's baby. Think about it...here's a woman (Callisto) who hated Xena and wanted to destroy her, but now, this same woman has impregnated and transferred her spirit into Xena. That is some twisted shit.

SUCCINCT SEASON SYNOPSIS

It sucked.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS SEASON

Hercules and Iolus in Drag
That's Incredible... Incredibly Stupid
The Way We Were
Where Did Our Love Go?
The Reader's Digest Guide to World Religion
Dumb and Dumber

THEME SONG FOR THIS SEASON

Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time"

BURNING QUESTIONS

• Why did the show have to jump 25 years into the future?
• Where's the camp? Where's the winking, sly, clever, humor? (oh, riiiiiight -- it's been replaced with lowest common denominator buffoonery.)
• Where's the subtext? (any text for that matter)
• What happened to compelling storylines? Where's the profound and affecting drama? (oh, riiiight -- it's been replaced with hackneyed soap opera melodrama.)
• Where's the cooperative problem solving? (oh how the mighty tumble...from Dreamworker and The Quest to Back in the Bottle and Animal Attraction.)
• Where are the creative, exciting, and well-choreographed fight scenes?
• Where's the pinch?
• Where's the warcry?
• What happened to the bard in Gabrielle?
• Why aren't there any good and engaging villains?
• Why aren't Xena and Gabrielle sharing screen time?
• Where is the emotion? At times, I felt the leading ladies didn't have their heart in their performances.
• And lastly and most importantly, where's the love?

QUEEN SIZE QUIBBLES

• Orci and Kurtzman -- the hatchet men succeeded in scuttling Xena and turning it into Hercules In a Skirt.
• Rob Tapert wasn't minding the store -- too distracted by Jack of All Trades and Cleopatra 2525.
• Hiring writers who either didn't know anything about Xena and Gabrielle or couldn't be bothered to learn anything about Xena and Gabrielle.
• The gaping void left by Steve Sears' departure.
• Gabrielle doing less bardy things (telling stories and writing) and turning into Xena's mini-me. She's fighting more and talking her way out of trouble less.
• Xena losing her guilt-ridden, dark, mean chick mojo. Now she's just an overprotective and homicidal soccer mom in leather.

50 WAYS TO KILL YOUR LOVER or
PORTRAIT OF A MARRIAGE (GONE WRONG)

Leave it to Xena to plum a new depth of abusive behavior. Now we can add scalping to the long list of less than stellar behavior heaped upon Gabrielle -- let's put it beneath hitting, stabbing, dragging, hurling...

It truly baffles me how Xena chakraming Gabrielle's head adds any sort of dramatic value to a story, especially when I know Gabrielle isn't going to die. What's the point? Are the writers so bereft of any other dramatic device that they must always resort to violence?

Equally baffling is how one moment, Xena can use her chakram to knock a sword out of Ares' hand without leaving a scratch; yet moments later, she cannot do the same and knock the sai out of Gabrielle's hand. It begs the questions, "How could Xena do that? Why did Xena do that?" Truth is, there aren't any answers that can justify Xena's behavior. The scalping was grotesque and uncalled for, but even worse was the blood and viscera encrusted chakram. Bad taste.

I keep coming back to Xena and her vicious cycles of horrific abuse followed by contrite and hollow apologies -- how does this further their relationship and make it stronger? It doesn't. Xena comes off as cruel and heartless; Gabrielle comes off as a doormat and punching bag. I have no respect for either character, no compassion or no empathy; I cannot watch Xena and Gabrielle treat one another this way --especially people who espouse to be one another's soulmates. It sickens me.

ALL ABOUT EVE

Eve.
Ugh!

The most annoying character -- second only to Joxer; however, if she sticks around in Season 6, she may usurp Joxer's crown. Eve was annoying on 2 counts: she was written poorly and she was portrayed poorly.

The actress who played Eve did little to convince me she was the badass spawn of the tall dark mean chick. Instead, Eve came off as a scrawny, whiny, cheerleader with a bitchy streak. Hell, Eve ain't even Heathers material -- not even close. So, I'm supposed to believe Eve is a vicious killer? Hah! She's as vicious as the pets.com sock puppet but nowhere near as endearing.

I couldn't suspend my disbelief long enough to believe for a _nanosecond_ that Eve was a big bad mofo cut from the same leather bodice as her mama. The whole Eve thang smacked of "I'm a 5 year old sneaking into my mother's room and playing dress up." Eve wasn't scary; her "killing sprees" were more like "infant terrible foot stomping tantrums" and her acting range ran the gamut from A to B -- abominable to boring (to plagiarize and bastardize Dorothy Parker).

You know who would've been a better pick? Mz. Eliza Dushku (better known as Faith on Buffy the Vampire Slayer). Hell, even Shannen Doerhty would've been a better choice (at least we know she fight ;) ).

Then, just as I resigned myself to Evil Eve, she has a sudden reversal! She goes from uber-brat to scaredy-cat in the course of an episode!! This vicious soul-less killah is now cowering behind Xena's skirts??? My eyes have rolled so far back into my head that it hurts. I'm in a tizzy -- I really don't know which version of Eve is more unpalatable.

Even more unsavory is the realization that Eve is gonna be hanging around in Season 6. Seems the producers traded one grating character (Joxer) for another (Eve). Oh goody! Eve gets tag along with mommy and Gabrielle and play with spiders! *clapping and bouncing with joy!*

*sigh*

Eve turning evil was predictable -- she's the spawn of Callisto and Xena so you would expect...something other than the expected. Once again, the writers took the easy way out. Why not be un-predictable (now there's a concept for ya Rob!) and portray Eve as a super-pious goody two shoes (a la Pwiestess Lea), or narcissistic and shallow (a la Aphrodite), or a wily little slut (a la Meg), or a ready to rumble punk (a la Tara)? It would have gone against expectations and would've injected a much needed dose of humor into the oh-so-serious-twilight-of-the-gods story.

And lastly, why not save us the idiocy of a 25 year jump ahead in time and have Eve experience accelerated growth over the course of a month? That way we don't lose all the characters we love to old age and the audience isn't subjected to yet another contrived plot device. (did I mention that I really hate the 25 year jump into the future?)

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

From Them Bones, Them Bones on.

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

Sorry to say, but there wasn't much grrl grrl action all season. The one ep that stands out in my mind for subtext was Sucession. Other than that... I'm at a loss! [I thought there was some in Fallen Angel... of course FA was sooooo superior to anything else in Season 5, perhaps we should consider it as its own complete mini-season? :) --Netgyrl]

QUICK -- HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

Go back to Animal Attraction and start over again.

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR 

Early morning, in the bedroll... 
G: "I had the strangest dream last night." 
X: *yawn* "Yeah?" 
G: "We went to Heaven and redeemed Callisto --" 
X: *snort* "That'll be the day." 
G: "You were magically impregnated --" 
X: "Great! By what? Tendrils of fire? A wisp of smoke? Swimming in the lake with no underwear?" 
G: "No, Callisto's spirit touched you." 
X: "Ew, that's gross, Gabrielle." 
G: "But that's the least of it. In my dream, your baby daughter is destined to kill all the gods." 
X: "With what? The stench of her dirty diapers?" 
G: "No, no, with a plot contrivance that makes no sense, which the producers and writers will eventually regret." 
X: "Oh...huh?" 
G: "Anyway, you have your baby and then we're frozen for 25 years and then we wake up --" 
X: "With freezer burn?" 
G: "No, we wake up stiff and --" 
X: "Sexually frustrated?" 
G: "No, it's 25 years later." 
X: "Are we older?" 
G: "No, but everyone else is." 
X: "What about my pony?" 
G: "I'm sorry Xena, but Argo goes to Heaven." 
X: *sniff* 
G: "Don't cry, you get the offspring of Argo, who looks and acts just like Argo." 
X: "How convenient." 
G: "I thought so." 
G: "And then I try to kill your grown daughter." 
X: "Gee, that sounds familiar..." 
G: "Who's evil incarnate." 
X: "Of course." 
G: "And then you chakram me in the head." 
X: "Do you die?" 
G: "Almost. Furies induce dementia -- at least we don't have to resolve our conflict through song and dance." 
X: "So you forgive me?" 
G: "For now." 
X: *whew* 
G: "I survive, but Joxer dies." 
X: "Whoo hoo!" 
G: *glare* 
X: "Uh, I mean boo hoo." 
G: "And then suddenly, your kid is no longer a killer, she's a simpering coward." 
X: "That doesn't sound like any kid of mine." 
G: "She and I sit around -- playing with each others hair and talking about red shirt boy toys..." 
X: "Huh?" 
G: "Just kidding. Then you develop some kind of super powers." 
X: "Well you know, I have many --" 
G: "Skills yeah, yeah. I don't think this had anything to do with that." 
X: *hmpf* 
G: "And then you kill most of the gods on Olympus --" 
X: "What?" 
G: "And Ares gives up his immortality to save me and a chance to woo you as a mortal --" 
X: "Do you have a fever?" *feels Gabrielle's forehead* 
G: *slaps Xena's hand away* "And then we wander off into the sunset with the kid in tow. The End." 
X: "Gabrielle, did you eat any henbane nutbread last night?" 
G: "Nope." 
X: "Well, that's quite a dream." 
G: "Thank the gods it's not real." 
X: "I had a dream last night." 
G: "You did?" 
X: "I dreamed that we spent all day having sex like crazed weasels." 
G: "Really?" 
X: "Yesss. We did it on the bedroll, in a lake, against a tree, in a field of daisies, riding on Argo, in the hayloft of a barn, and on the table in a tavern -- you know, clearing all the dishes and mugs onto the floor with a crash?" 
G: "Wow, that's...that's something." *cheeks flushing* "How come you have the sex dreams and I long-winded plot-driven dreams?" 
X: "Because you're a bard? Anyway, it's weird, but after dreams like that I feel all nervous and fidgety -- like I should chop some wood or kill something." 
G: "I know what you could do." *nuzzles and bites Xena's neck* 
X: "You do?" 
G: "Mmmhmm." *caresses Xena's breast* 
X: "Wh...what would that be?" 
G: "I'll give you a hint." *pinches Xena's Nubbin™* "We'll start on the bedroll..." 
X: "And end up on a table in a tavern?" 
G: "You catch on fast." *gives Xena a teasing kiss*

ENDING ON A POSITIVE NOTE

Ok, I don't want to end this rant without pointing out the few good eps and moments in Season 5 -- I didn't hate _everything_. So here's brief list of a few of my favorite things: 

• Kittens in Mittens...oops, wrong list 
• Alti in Them Bones 
• The eps Fallen Angel, Sucession, and Lyre, Lyre 
• Some of the comedy in Animal Attraction 
• Joxer's Liberace-esque brother, Jace 
• Amarice, the Keebler Amazon R.I.P. 
• The scene of Gabrielle deer hunting in Them Bones 
• Gabrielle whippin' it, whippin' it good in the cave fight scene from Little Problems 
• Aphrodite and Gabrielle wrestling as the twins Bruna and Hilda 

Discuss this review now!

Laura a.k.a. LaLa

Watch out Toonces! back

It is time to crush you between my pythonic pillars of doom! back

What is your damage, Heather? back

I will smite thee with my microphone -- die! Die! back

Mama said knock you out! back