Sacrifice II

I believe in pure evil since you came along, you wicked thang.

Sacrifice 2 is a knock-yer-socks-off nail-biter ep! Gabrielle and her bad to the bone offspring, Hope, take a downward spiral into a gaping flame pit; Xena, in a fit of emotional distress kills Callisto; Ares kisses family loyalty goodbye and teams up with El Flame-o (Dahak), and Joxer is actually a help, not a hindrance. Whew! Good ‘n Evil duke it out and the winner is…no one. I’m left with more questions than answers and I’ll slowly drive myself crazy until this mess is resolved in Season 4. Agh!

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

Killing Time
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Callisto?
Die Young, Stay Pretty
Burning Up for Your Love
Beat on the Brat
Birth of a Nation
Too Darn Hot
Miss Gabby Regrets She’s Unable to Lunch Today…Tomorrow…and the Day
After That

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

Rick James’ "Super Freak" as sung by Xena and Gabrielle:

X: "She’s a very evil girl,
Hope is so unlike her mother,
She plans to cut all the gods down,
Once she gets that Hind’s Blood Dagger, oh no!"
<fast forward>
G: "She’s not right, she’s a fright,
The girl who looks like me, yeah,
She's a super freak, super freak,
She's super-freaky, ow!"

Michael Sambelo’s "She’s a Maniac" as sung by Xena:

"Just a daughter of darkness on a Saturday night,
Looking for bloodlettin’ and strife,
<fast forward>
She's a maniac--maniac in the temple,
And she's raising hell like she's never done before"

Irene Cara’s "Fame" becomes "Flame" as sung by Gabrielle:

"Remember my name—Flame!
I'm gonna burn forever,
Why did I think I could fly?—High!
I feel it getting hotter,
Contract ain’t up, I can’t die—Flame!
I'll make it back next season,
Boy, will I have a great tan—Flame!
I'm gonna burn forever,
Xena, remember my name"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

Hope’s squishy milky Elmers gluey second skin
Hope’s hooded, gold trimmed, black n’ blood red satin ‘cult of personality’ muumuu

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

Seraphin’s shapeless bloody gunnysack dress
Even though we don’t see Gabrielle, her condition after ‘it ain’t how hard you fall, but how well you bounce’, ‘burnt around the edges’ trip to Dahak’s BBQ pit can’t be very pretty

READY, AIM, MISFIRE

X: "Hope is just using you, Callisto. I wouldn’t turn my back on her."
C: "Like you turned your back on precious little Gabrielle? Yeah, I guess you speak from experience, huh?"

*as Callisto throws a fireball with Xena’s name on it, Miss oh-so-clever-in-leather kicks Callisto’s feet out from under her and redirects the fireball’s to the temple ceiling; the ceiling explodes and buries Callisto under a pile of rubble. Again*

X: "Experience that."

PIN THE TAIL ON THE PRINCESS

Xena and Hope face off in a telekinetic knife throwing ‘wheel of fortune’ fight to the death! Watch Xena dodge and deflect sharp swords, dangerous daggers, harrowing hatchets!! See the Harpy from Hell (a.k.a. Hope) use her powers for evil and not for profit (e.g. on a psychic hotline)!!! Thrill to the many skills of the dark mean chick as she uses a temple ceiling shield as rolling armor!!!! Experience that ol’ needles and pins sensation!!!!! Feel the burn!!!!!!!

WHAT WE HAVE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

G: "Xena, just listen to me. Ares came to me--he called in my debt. He said that I had to stop you from killing Hope or you were going to die."
X: "Don’t you get it? I would gladly die to rid the world of that thing."
G: "Well, I had to do something, I had to think quickly. I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing you."
<snip o rama>
X: "Gabrielle, whatever happens, I must stop Hope and if I have to die doing it, then so be it. Do you understand?"
G: "I understand."

BETWEEN A GOD AND A HARD PLACE OR HANGING ON BY A THREAD

A: "I’m here to remind you that our deal is still in place."
G: "I know that Hope has to die, no matter the consequences."
A: "Even if that means saying goodbye to your beloved Xena? Think you can just let it happen? I don’t."

THE BIRDS, THE BEES, AND THE BARD

Callisto pays Xena and Gabrielle a social call.

C: "I’m not here to fight with you, Xena, I just want to chat."
X: "Let me guess, things didn’t work out with Hope quite the way you expected."
C: "No, actually, the sight of her and Ares rolling around like weasels made me sick."
G: "Hope and Ares?"
C: "Why yes, Gabrielle, it seems your daughter is in heat."

C’MON COACH, LET ME PLAY

C: "You’re willing to take Ares out to get to Hope, but why not let me help you? Then it would be so simple to turn it (Hind’s Blood Dagger) on me."
X: "Because I like the idea of you living with your suffering forever."
C: "Oh please, who said anything about suffering? Really, it’s more of a boredom thing, an emptiness really. Anyway, I’m disappointed in you, Xena. The sensible thing would be to enlist me on your side. You’re taking this far too personal."
G: "She’s right."
X: "What?"
G: "Remember what you said about staying focused? You’re letting your anger get in the way here, Xena. It’s best if we let her help us."
X: "Alright."

WISH FULFILMENT

Finally, the moment some of us have been waiting for! Xena plays verbal pitbull, chewing off Joxer’s leg and beating him about the head with it.

X: "I am sick to death of you. The fate of the entire world rests on this mission. If you think I’m gonna let a bumbling fool like you mess it up, you’ve got another thing coming."
J: "What?"
X: "Oh, you don’t hear too good, huh? I said I am sick of you. Now get lost."

But alas, it’s only a clever ruse to fool Callisto.

ABANDONMENT ISSUES OR THE CHILD AIN’T RIGHT

Gabrielle is compelled to leave Xena’s side and wander off into the trees—who should appear, but the Welcome Wagon of Hell herself.

H: "I’m not going to hurt you. It’s growing inside me Gabrielle, the child. The way that I grew inside of you."
G: "What do you want Hope?"
H: "I want to give you one last chance. Don’t make me do this alone, come, be my mother. If I say so, father will welcome you. Please? Please mother?"
G: "Hope, when I gave you that poison—"
H: "I forgive you."
G: "I’m so sorry it didn’t finish you."

BIG GRRLS DON’T CRY

Right after Gabrielle’s plunge into the incinerator of evil, Callisto cackles gleefully at Xena’s loss.

C: "I never thought I’d feel so good again. Seeing poor, dear Gabrielle sacrifice herself makes it all worthwhile. It finally gives me a reason for living and I have you to thank for it, Xena."

*Xena spins around and buries the dagger in Callisto’s gut*

X: "No more living for you."

CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Why did that dirty double crossing dog, Ares, sell out to Dahak?

Theory #1: To exercise his free agent options and join a winning team.

Theory #2: The opportunity to create a new lineage of uber-badseed gods.

Theory #3: To get under Gabrielle’s skirt, so to speak, and see what all the fuss is about.

Theory #4: To lure Xena back, yet again, by means of a convoluted, reverse psychology plan.

Theory #5: To get rid of Xena’s annoying ‘little blond voice of conscience’ once and for all.

Theory #6: Ares is acting out deep-seated paternal resentment and sibling rivalry ‘issues’ in an inappropriate and destructive manner that will result in strained family relations, children out of wedlock, and world destruction.

Theory #7: Ares has been a bad, bad boy on purpose and is desperately seeking a spanking.

HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER BY HOPE, DAUGHTER OF DARKNESS

Being born
Streaking naked through the countryside (funny, I ran into 3 other naked lookalikes)
Tormenting my mother
Getting knocked up by the God of War
Starting my own cult
Terrorizing and enslaving villagers for a blood sacrifice
Spelunking one way down a fiery pit with my mother

BURNING QUESTIONS

What is it with Callisto and her affinity for rockpiles?
Why is it that the only times Xena and Gabrielle profess their undying love and affection for one another is under extreme duress and/or the threat of death?
Why does Seraphin return to ‘normal’ when Hope is hurt?
Now that Gabrielle is ‘gone’, will Xena revert to her bad ol’ self?
Even if Xena can find some ambrosia, how is she going to reanimate Gabrielle from a pile of ashes?

MARTHA STEWARTS GUIDE TO BAKING BARD

Gather your friend’s ashes in an antique cut glass bottle. Place a festive velvet bow around the neck of the bottle—how pretty!
Don’t tell her parents or the Amazons about her condition, it will only upset them (not a good thing.)
Sprinkle ashes into a mixing bowl, add ambrosia, and 3 gallons of Mt. Olympus reverse osmosis water. Add a slice of lemon for flavor--delicious!
Stir; gradually add some sugar, spice, and red or yellow food coloring (debate still raging as to correct hair color).
Sculpt ‘dough’ into a human form on a greased cookie sheet.
Place in a brick oven for 12 hours, 350 degrees.
Remove from oven when golden brown and let your friend cool off for a couple hours. Occasionally spritz with rosewater to give complexion that dewy look.
Decorate (clothing optional).
Hit the road with reanimated sidekick and kick some butt (a good thing!)

QUIBBLES

Where in Stanislavski’s Acting Method does it say all bad guys must talk in a low, guttural Vincent Price Wax Museum voice? I found Hope’s raspy bottom of the basement voice distracting.
What’s with Joxer’s John ‘I’ll fix your wagon’ Wayne impersonation when confronting Hope’s henchmen?
Hope, for all her evil powers, scores low on the Mistress of the Obvious Scale; how can she not realize the depth of Xena and Gabrielle’s relationship?

KIBBLES AND BITS

Hope contemplating the white furry thing on her faux Bard of Poteidaia staff
Gabrielle riding a horse (and it ain’t Argo!)
Dahak’s paddywagon—free rides for non-believers
Xena fondling Gabrielle’s hair
The Fates big screen TV
Gabrielle can talk Xena into just about anything; she convinces Xena that Callisto could be a useful ally

NOTES FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY OR FREUD FODDER

Someone, who shall remain nameless, coined this descriptive phrase for Dahak’s pit o’ fire: "The big, yawning vagina of hell."

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

Gabrielle’s sacrificial swan dive (with Hope in arms) into the fiery pit ‘o doom, the slo-mo shot of Gabrielle looking back at Xena, and Xena’s heartbroken expression.
The death of Callisto. What do we do now that the best villain in the Xenaverse has bought the farm, checked out, met her Maker?

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

Hope, masquerading as Gabrielle, interrogates Joxer.

H: "What would you make of my feelings toward Xena?"
J: "Xena? Well, you know, you love her more than anybody in the whole world."
H: "More that anyone."

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

X to G: "Saw her (Hope) face, didn’t you? Strange, the one I love most in all the world and the one I hate look exactly the same."

~ ~ ~

X: "Gabrielle, stay here."
G: "No way. After all we’ve been through, I’m with you ‘til the end."
X: "Then just one thing, when I’m gone, I don’t want you to feel any guilt."
G: "Xena—"
X: "Listen to me. A lot has happened to us over the past year and there were times when we were both very confused. I want you to know I still think you are the best thing that ever happened to me. You gave my life meaning and joy. You will be a part of me forever."
*they share a goin’ down in a blaze of glory "Drive, Thelma!" hug*
X: "Ready?"
G: "Yeah."
X: "Let’s go."

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

Callisto and Xena’s ‘rock em sock em’ chick boxing in the Temple.
Callisto really beats the stuffing out of Xena—must’ve eaten her Wheaties.
Hope licking Ares chest as they get down n dirty. Sez Ares, "You are so not like your mother."
Xena’s cliff hanging, groupie tossing, rocket launcher flip to higher ground.
Callisto ‘Sunday stroll’ through a village in the throes of ‘convert or die’ religious recruitment—casually tossing off fireballs and zapping Hope’s henchmen in the heiney.
Hope’s henchmen running into the temple hall (out of sight to battle Xena) only to be thrown back one by one.
The temple fight scene is yummy: Xena is her usual take no prisoners self (Seraphin learns the hard way not to mess with the Princess) and Gabrielle loses her staff, takes some hard knocks, but comes back swinging.
Callisto’s stylish death: she strokes Xena’s cheek and breastplate as she slowly sinks to her knees—yowza!

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

Priest Werfner: "Your innocence, your blood will welcome Dahak into this world!"
X: "Welcome this." *pow—right in Werfner’s kisser*

X: "Ares, I know you’re here because my skin is crawling--show yourself."

X to A: "You want a taste of Hind’s Blood, huh?"

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

G to A: "How’s life as a slave to your new master, Dahak?"

CALLISTO’S CATTYISMS

H: "Hello, mother."
G: "Hope?"
C: "Oh, the mother and child reunion, I’m all misty eyed."

C: "I don’t know why you want to look like her, she’s an annoying little—"
H: "Do it."
C: "So be it." *clothes Hope in a replica of Gabrielle’s outfit, complete with staff* "Hmmm, well, it is a good disguise and it will attract less attention than walking around naked, I suppose."

H: "Now that I’m back, the faithful will come by the thousands, the blood of innocents will soak the holy ground and Dahak will enter the world!"
C: "Yeah, yeah, yeah—glory hallelujah."

C to A: "Remember when I killed Strife? That look in his eyes? You’re next Ares."

C to X: "So how about it? I scratch your back and you stab mine?"

X: "What did you think you were doing?"
C: "Girls gotta have some fun."

C to X: "Try not to die before doing me first or I’ll make Gabrielle wish you had. How’s that for incentive?"

I WANNA BE YOUR DOG

A: "The Pantheon of gods will fall once you enter the world, Dahak. I don’t regret joining you, I mean, serving you, oh Dark One."

Ares, are you a sell-out with no shame? Or are you a schemin’ maniuplatin’ Machiavellian-esque politician? What I really want to know is, what does serving the Dark One entail anyway?

ARES’ TO DO LIST

Feed the flames of Dahak with a few ‘innocents’; toast some marshmallows and make s’mores (Goatboy has a sweet tooth)
Tempt Xena back to the Dark Side
Trim beard and sideburns
Lick Hope’s boots, crawl on all fours, and bark like a dog (note: must remember to address her as Oh Diabolical, Delectable, and Deadly Daughter of Destruction)
Threaten Gabrielle
Polish ol’ Goatboy’s horns
Trade barbed quips with Callisto
Sharpen sword
Stud service for Hope (note: wear the tight white stretchpants, apply mousse to chest hair)
Take a nap

XENA'S SKILLS

Dodging daggers
Demolition
Cliff climbing
Reprogramming religious groupies with a boot to the head
God killer

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

Absentee Mother
Doting Grandma—not!
Tackling
Freefalling/Icarus imitation

HAIKU! BLESS YOU

Dahak’s blazing inferno
Poteidaia potstickers
Finger lickin’ good

Now that bardie’s gone
And your bedroll’s cold at night
Who will keep you warm?

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Xena suffers the consequences of mistaken identity…

X: "C’mere." *grabs who she assumes is Gabrielle*
H: *surprised* "What are you doing?"
X: *seductive* "What does it feel like?"
H: "Like there isn’t enough room in my BGSB for the both of us." *starts batting away Xena’s roving hands*
X: "Playing hard to get?"
H: *confused* "No, I’m just not sure what you want."
X: "What do I always want?"
H: "To ride your pony?"
X: "Sometimes--you better not let Argo hear you call her a pony."
H: *taking a wild guess* "To kick lots of butt?"
X: "I enjoy that too, but there’s something I love even more." *nibbles on Hope’s earlobe*
H: "Wine?"
X: "No."
H: "Leather?" *succumbing to some of Xena’s many skills*
X: "Close."
H: "Women?"
X: "Warm."
H: "My mother?"
X: "Ew! Definitely not your mother, but you’re getting warmer."
H: *being oblivious* "Of course I am, you have me in a bearhug."
X: "Sometimes you are so dense." *snickers* "Not warm, warm…"
H: *still not getting it* "Toasty?"
X: "Fired up."
H: *beginning to catch on* "Sizzling."
X: "Red hot."
H: *getting into the swing of it* "Sultry."
X: "Humid…speaking of which."
H: *squeaks as Xena’s hand moves lower*
*at that moment, who should return from a trip to the woods*
G: *surprise* "Xena?"
X: *eyes closed, whispering* "Oh Gabrielle…"
G: "Xena!" *angrily stomps over to Hope and Xena*
X: "Gab..?" *opens her eyes and does a double take between the two lookalikes* "Gabrielle?"
G: *indignant* "What are you doing?"
X: "Hope?" *stares at the person still in her arms*
H: "Dark Daughter of Dahak to you, sweet cheeks." *plants a big ol’ kiss on her lips*
G: *smacks forehead* "I can’t believe this—Xena, let go of her! I thought you hated her." *smacks Xena’s arm*
X: *pushes Hope away* "I do. I-I thought she was you."
H: "Ha! Fooled you." *smirks triumphantly at Xena*
G: *angrily* "Hope, you definitely take after your father, that lying sack of—"
H: "Enough about daddy, why don’t you run along and play with your scrolls." *waves dismissively* "Me and the luscious leathered one have some unfinished business." *moves towards Xena*
G: "Oh no you don’t." *swings her staff and knocks Hope to the ground with a whap to the midsection*
X: *chastising* "Gabrielle."
G: *stern* "You’re never too old for a spanking, Hope."
X: *teasing* "Ouch, tough love."
G: "One more comment from you, Miss smarty skirts and you’ll get a spanking too."
X: "Promise? *winks suggestively*
G: *warning* "Xena."
H: "C’mon mom," *regains her breath and reaches towards Xena* "there’s enough for both of us."
G: "That’s it, timeout." *knocks Hope to the ground again*
H: "But…"
G: "Hasta, Hope!." *puts Hope down for the count with a knock to the noggin*
H: "Ow!" *slowly losing consciousness* "Hey, Xena, I didn’t know you had a twin sister, why don’t you introduuu…" *passes out cold*
G: "Care to explain yourself?" *crosses arms and pins Xena with a steely stare*
X: *sincere* "Honest to the gods, I didn’t know it was her."
G: "How can you mistake us?"
X: "Well, have you looked in a mirror lately?" *raises an eyebrow*
G: *huffs* "There’s no need for sarcasm." *pauses* "Were you going to…you know."
X: *false enthusiasm* "Say Gabrielle, your hair looks great! Did you braid your hair differently or—"
G: "Quit trying to change the subject. You were, weren’t you?" *smacks Xena on the arm--hard*
X: "Ow! Mistaken identity, it happens." *rubs arm* "You of all people should know that."
G: *defensive* "What do you mean?"
X: "Well, I would have to do a lot more than what I did with Hope to outdo what you did to Princess Diana."
G: "Huh? I don’t know what you’re talking about."
X: "Sure you do." *smug* "Bet you don’t know the nickname Princess Diana calls you."
G: *nervous* "Gabrielle the Great? Gabrielle the Gracious? Gabrielle the Gregarious?"
X: "Nope. Grabby Gabby." *smirks*
G: *upset* "She does not—you’re imagining things."
X: "Well, Princess Diana certainly didn’t imagine you grabbing her brea—"
G: "I did not! I only slightly brushed up against them accidentally with my hands, there was lint on her bodice…" *trails off as Xena’s smirk grows bigger*
X: *stroking chin* "I believe you said something like, "Now these are some ripe and juicy tomatoes."
G: "I-I meant to say--"
X: "What was that other comment? Ah yes, "Naughty Warriors deserve a good tongue lashing.""
G: "Ha, ha, very funny." *thinking quickly* "What I said was, "Dirty Warriors demand a good sponge washing.""
X: "Kinky."
G: "You would know."
X: "I don’t hear you complaining."
*a deafening silence falls as Gabrielle continues to sulk and Xena takes a sudden interest in removing a non-existent smudge from her breast armor*
X: *relenting* "Sooo, Gabrielle, is it too late for that spanking?"
*gives her best ‘forgive me’ grin*
G: *throws Xena a sour look, but can’t hide the beginnings of a smile*
X: *sighs* "C’mon Gabrielle, I would’ve figured it out sooner or later."
G: "It was looking later rather than sooner."
X: "For Gaia’s sake, you’re the only person I know who has three tiny freckles on her--" *whispers in Gabrielle’s ear the location of said freckles*
G: *surprised* "You don’t say!"
X: *nods*
G: *coyly* Well, just to be sure, I think you better see if they’re still there."

~ ~ ~

G: "Xena, do you still love me even though Hope has my face?"
X: *hesitant* "Well…"
G: *huffy* "What do you mean well?"
X: "It’s just a little hard, I can’t help picturing that evil little bi—"
G: "Xena!"
X: "Alright, calm down." *pauses* "What would you think if I asked you to change your hair?"
G: "I’d think Argo kicked you in the head. How is changing my hair going to help? Blond to red? Red to blond? We don’t even know what color it is now."
X: "True."
G: "I tolerated you in Callisto’s body." *jabs a finger at Xena’s breastplate*
X: "You have a point there."
G: "It wasn’t easy sleeping with psycho Barbie every night. It used to scare the pi—"
X: *shock* "Gabrielle!"
G: "Well it did."
X: *dawning realization* "So…that’s why you made me wear that Sinbad mask."
G: "Uh…" *chews bottom lip nervously*
X: "I thought it was because you liked playing swashbuckler and sea siren."
G: "I did, I mean I do. Xena please don’t be angry."
X: "Hmph." *crosses arms and scowls*
G: "C’mon, don’t be a sourpuss." *gives her most endearing smile*
X: *glowers at Gabrielle, but appears to be softening*
G: *sing song voice* "I have a map."
X: *interest piqued despite the desire to continue sulking*
G: *whispers in Xena’s ear* "Buried treasure."
X: "Where? Twin Peaks or Bermuda Triangle?"
G: "That’s for me to know and for you to find out." *grins saucily*

DISCLAIMER

Gabrielle finally went off the deep end during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

TV? Check. Remote control? Check. Tranquilizers? Check. USA rerun schedule? Check. It’s gonna be a cruel, cruel summer, waiting to see when and how Gabrielle returns (Crispy? Extra crispy?) What’s Xena gonna do without her sidekick? It’s like Thelma without Louise, Butch without Sundance, Batman without Robin, and Skipper without Gilligan (hey lil’ buddy) *SIGH* Pass the Percodan…

LaLa