Devil with the headdress, Headdress, headdress, Devil with the headdress on!

I laughed, I cried, I whooped, I cringed--yes, season 4 arrived in grand fashion. After last season's cliffhanger, inquiring minds want to know: now that Gabrielle has parted present company, will the kinder, gentler Xena continue on the path of 'justice for all' or will she just "kill them all?"

Xena takes a trip and 'takes a trip' (if you know what I mean) in Adventures In The Sin Trade part one, which coulda shoulda been a stronger ep (less dancing and more plot would have been nice). Then again, TPTB kinda painted themselves into a corner with Gabrielle's demise; we all know she will return, the only question is how? It seems a reasonable and plausible resolution is out of the question-for such an extreme death, there needs to be an equally extreme resurrection. Hence the Xena 'goes native' flavor of this ep: mix a pinch of Native American shamanism, a dash of spirit travel, a dollop of blood sacrifice, and a heapin' spoonful of voodoo black magic and you've got yourself a supernatural soufflé. Dinner is served! Either swallow it whole or send it back to the kitchen. My opinion lies somewhere in the middle-the ep is palatable, but lacks a certain zest--I'll reserve full judgement until I see part two. In the meantime, chew on this.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Do the Right Thing
• Xena vs. the Volcano
• Black Magic Woman
• Dressed to Kill
• Ritual Habitual
• I Put A Spell On You
• Stag Party
• This Little Light of Mine, I'm Gonna Let It Shine

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

"Bad To the Bone" by George Thoroughgood and the Destroyers as sung by Alti:

"I wear a big ol' bib and deer antlers on my head,
I practice magic to torment the living and the dead,
I've found a kindred spirit, I've found a home,
Xena could tell right away, I was bad to the bone,
Bad to the bone, Bad to the bone"

"Willie And The Hand Jive" by Bo Diddley becomes "Xena and The Hand Jive":

"Hand jive, hand jive, hand jive,
Doin' that crazy hand jive,
By the gods, look at Xena go,
All to get to that volcano,
When Gab died she lost her mind,
Key to Eternity she hopes to find,
Hand jive, hand jive, hand jive,
Doin' that crazy hand jive"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Hades' new outfit: the spikey booties and black leather chapeau (otherwise known as the grim reaper's finis beanie); he looks like Jughead doing a stint as the Stormy Leather catalogue model.
• Xena's windswept, tousled, and unkempt hair.
• Yessss! The big brown fuzzy cloak returns.
• Cyane! Magenta! Yellow! Sorry, art school flashback. Cyane's petite handpainted headband with earmuff attachment.
• Xena and Alti's 'Shamaness blood, bead, 'n bone bib'.
• While not a fashion statement per se, I could not relegate the whirling dervish hoodoo juju hand jive to another category; Xena busts a move and does a little Pre-Mycenaean vogue-ing-C'mon lucky seven, Princess needs new sidekick!

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• The Pocahontas meets Davey Crockett frontier fringefest buckskin bonanza abomination of a costume (also known as Xenahontas-courtesy of my naughty Xenite friend).
• The oh so pointy, pokey, pronged prosthesis protruding like a perverse proboscis from Xena's pate. What the hell was that thing on her head? Could it be my brother's 7th grade taxidermy project?
• Were they furballs? Anti-PETA poster children? Estrogen enhanced Ewoks? Or free range merkins? I sum up the garb of the Tundra Teens thusly: too much furking fur.
• Tammy Faye, er, I mean, Alti's 'Goth lives!' raccoon eye make-up.

A BEVY OF BADASS BABES

• Alti gives me the heebie jeebies-a major case of the willies. She's a fascinating and wonderful villain--Dahok is nothin' compared to this creepy crawler.
• Cyane, the sexy and sassy Queen of the Amazons--hoooweee! I want to see more, more, more! Unfortunately, she's destined to befall the fate of many interesting Xenaverse characters (e.g. Lao Ma, M'Lila)-she's gonna die. What a shame…

HELLO, SUICIDE HOTLINE, WILL YOU PLEASE HOLD?

Xena suffers from Post traumatic Gabrielle syndrome…

"As I travel along paths I left long ago, I'm engulfed by my memories-they consume me."
<snip-o-rama>
"Gabrielle, I'm entering a world of darkness I promised myself I'd never return to, but it's the only way I can see you again. My mind has lost it's center, it's turning, turning, can't hold, it can't hold."

AIN'T LOVE GRAND?

Looking back into the past, we revisit the happy home of Xena and Borias.

B: "What would you do if I told you I'm in love?"
Xena: "I'd cut out your sweethearts throat. You think I wouldn't?"
B: "No, I mean I'm in love with you."
X: "With me? Have you lost what's left of your mind? People like you and me don'' fall in love--not with each other anyway."

LOVE STINKS

As so often happens in a relationship, people grow apart and differences of opinion arise as to what 'personal growth' entails.

B: "I can't believe what's happening to you."
X: "And I can't believe what's happening to you. You're soft as a pig's belly. And what's all this talk about 'our' baby and 'us'? I swear, if you use the word 'family' I'm gonna puke."

THREES A CROWD

Take one bloodthirsty and power hungry warlord; one warlord soft as a pig's belly; a little slap n tickle; throw in a rabble rousing, spell casting, psychic Shamaness-and what do you get?

A: "Congratulations."
X: "What?"
A: "You are with child."
X: "Very good. I haven't told anyone that yet."
B: "What?"
X: "I would've gotten around to it."

BURNING QUESTIONS

• How does Xena know where Hades will be? Does she have 'god-dar'?
• What special power does Lucy Lawless possess that allows her to transcend the ridiculous headgear and still look gorgeous?
• What special significance does the blood, bead 'n bone bib have?
• Where is Xena's chakram and why doesn't she use it in any of the fight scenes? Especially against the Beserker (a.k.a. Mr. Silent but Deadly)?
• Since when--which means before plot contrivances necessitated a change--did any other form of 'the afterlife' (e.g. Tartarus/Elysian) exist? How come I've never heard of the Amazon Land of the Dead until now?
• Why would Xena leave her body unprotected and out in the open? Did she have a death wish?
• Why did Borias save and adopt the village orphan, Otere? What's up with his 'Father Knows Best' routine?
• How do 'bored to death' Amazons in The Limbo Land of the Dead occupy their copious amount of free time?
• What power of Xena's is Otere destined to 'take'?

EVEN MORE BURNING QUESTIONS

• Is there a bet among TPTB to try and come up with new 'n different, down 'n dirty sexual situations for Xena and Borias? First, bareback 'riding' and now doggie style bearskin burn…what next? Swinging from the rafters? Hot candle wax? Farm animals?
• Is Anokin Alti's voodoo child apprentice or is she a lapdog cum complimentary plaything/bedwarmer? Is it just a coincidence she
• resembles Gabrielle? If the comparison is intentional, what's the point? To show that Xena is easy pickings for any petite, blond, scantily clad jailbait? As my Naughty Xenite friend put it: Xena is a card carrying member of NAWGLA (North Albanian Warrior/Girl Love Association).

QUIBBLES

• Beware the 'Dramamine/hurl-cam'--get yer barf bag ready! I was alternately confused and nauseated by TJ Scott's jiggly wiggly Attention Deficit Disorder style of frenetic filmmaking; it took me 3 viewings to figure out how Xena killed the Berserker.
• Not nearly enough skin in this ep--I miss the eye candy!
• Since when would Xena ever say 'toughie'? "This new power that she (Alti) has, the one that makes you relive your past-it's a toughie." Soooo out of character.
• I have no idea, geographically speaking, where this storyline takes place--Nonamia, perhaps?
• I'm not buying Otere's interpretation that Xena wouldn't have killed her. With enough provocation from Alti, Xena would have done it.
• Xena's wailing at the funeral pyre sounded nothing like her wailing 10 winters ago over the body of Anokin.
• Somehow knowing that Gabrielle isn't the first person Xena's chased into Eternity kind of cheapens it for me.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• The clever reworking of the Dylan Thomas' book title "Adventures in the Skin Trade."
• Hades' eenie-meanie-miney-mo 'Tartarus Elysian Tartarus' finger pointing.
• Argo gets a reprieve from the metaphorical 'glue factory'.
• Aha! It's a chick thang. Alti creates The Destroyer of Nations-Ares who?
• Jo LoDuca mix 'n matches Native American and African chanting into a wonderfully eclectic soundtrack.
• So, Xena doesn't kill everyone who betrays her; Gabrielle is still alive, but more surprisingly, so is Borias.
• Xena chattily 'doing the bard thing' for the wee dead Amazon in the Limbo Land of the Dead.
• Currently, the magic Amazon word to get into the Volcano of Eternity is 'courage'. In order to free the Amazons trapped in Limbo Land, Xena needs to find a stronger magic word (how about Open sesame! or Mother may I?) I betcha the stronger word is gonna be 'love'.

HETERO HAZE

What writhes beneath a bearskin, grunts loudly, and does the humpty hump? Why, it's Xena and Borias copulating doggie style like a pair of rabid mongrels in heat. How this ever got past the censors is beyond me. In addition, Xena 'disengaging' from Borias is gratuitous and unnecessary.

TELL TALE SIGNS OF EVIL NUMBER...FIVE: EYELINER AND LOTS OF IT

Using the above criterion, lets evaluate a few Xenaverse villains:

• Alti: very evil.
• Tammy Faye Baker: mother of all evil and honorary villain (I see evidence of her evil often--Season One Xena's pink lipstick and the gradual tarting up of Gabrielle).
• Dahok: goats don't wear eyeliner.
• Velaska: easy on the eyeliner, but it's applied in a nuevo Egyptian-esque manner, that's pretty evil.
• Tara (a.k.a. La Bete Noire): the eyeliner, the hair, the clothes, the attitude, the sassy mouth-she's a poster child for evil.
• Caesar: bad hair (will substitute for eyeliner)--he's pretty and pretty mean.
• Draco: with that silly hat, I'm too distracted to notice whether he wears eyeliner or not.
• Callisto: who needs eyeliner when you're a god?

B IS FOR BERSERKER

X: "Who's 'him'?"
Otere: "The Berserker. He's only the greatest fighter in our land-he's been given special powers by Alti. he's killed every warrior he's ever met in combat."

ONE FOR THE GIPPER, ER, BARDIE

Xena leads the Tundra Teen Amazons into battle against Alti's baddies.

X: "This one's for you, Gabrielle."

The two armies meet in a beach blanket bingo fur flying clash of fury. Xena getting medieval and doing a little badboy neckbreaking, double sword skewering, and quadruple cranial crunching. She easily defeats a warrior on horseback that she assumes is The Berserker (love her 'huh, that was way too easy' expression).

Otere: "The Berserker!"
Xena: "That's The Berserker?" *points to warrior on ground*
O: "No, that's The Berserker!" *points to mounted warrior behind Xena*

The Berserker attacks, conventionally at first, and then unconventionally, as he messes with Xena's mind (memories of her near death Gauntlet beating, Callisto the goddess bitch slapping her silly, and Caesar breaking her legs) brings Xena to her knees. She's down, but she ain't out--Xena pulls herself up by the stirrups and whups Mr. MindF*ck's butt.

BUTCH MOMENT OF THE NIGHT

Xena carrying a dead, full grown buck over her shoulders.

CONTINUITY KUDOS

The tie-in and fleshing out of characters and shorelines from previous eps: Lao Ma, Solon, the Centaurs, and Borias.

FAMILIAR FACES

The actor who portrays Borias also portrayed Khrafstar in "The Deliverer".

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

Xena wailing with grief as she mourns and relives memories of Gabrielle.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM…

Xena discovers Anokin's dead body.

X: "My friend is dead."
B: "You knew her for less than a moon. What spell have they thrown on you?"
<snip-o-rama>
X: "It's too late."
A: "You can see her (Anokin) again, you know."
<snip-o-rama>
X: "Anokin! What's the matter?"
A: "Stay away from me."
X: "Why?"
A: "You poisoned my soul, I want nothing to do with you."

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

During Xena's funeral pyre reverie, the choice of clips and voiceover:

G: "You've got to take me with you. Teach me everything you know."
X: "Even in death Gabrielle, I will never leave you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You gave my life meaning and joy. You will be a part of me forever."

Xena awakens in The Amazon Limbo Land of the Dead--doing whatever it takes to join Gabrielle in the afterlife.

X: "I'm not dead."
Dead Amazon: "If you're not dead, then why are you here?"
X: "I'm looking for a friend. She should've passed through the gate into Eternity by now."
DA: "So you plan to follow her into Eternity?"
X: "That's right."
DA: "So, will you be able to get back from there?"
X: "I don't know."
DA: "She must be a very good friend."
X: "She's the only friend."

Xena in the Limbo Land of the Dead hears a familiar voice...doh! Bardus reunitus interruptus.

G: "Xena."
X: "I can't, Gabrielle, I can't. You know nothing would make me happier than seeing you again. You were my light, but I just realized what it was that you gave me-a light of my own. There's something I've got to do, something you'd want me to do. I love you."

Xena carrying Gabrielle's scrolls into battle.

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• The opening sequence gave me goosebumps: Xena's haunted, desperate, 'hell bent for bard' ride.
• Xena and Alti giving one another the 'once over' twice.
• The numerous and gorgeous four seasons landscape shots.
• As Xena collapses on the ground after ingesting the spiked horse blood, the music crescendos and the camera slowly closes in on Xena's eye, then suddenly, the music stops, the camera pulls back and Xena's spirit explodes from her prone body.
• The Berserker's eyes changing color-from brown to an all too familiar blue.
• Mr. Silent But Deadly's helicopter spin saddle transfer.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

Xena to Hades: " It's Gabrielle I want to see. Come on! You owe me."

X to Borias: "I thought you liked my unquenchable lust?"

"I like trouble, Borias."

G: "Xena."
X: "I hear you…or is it the wind?"

"I hate the dead. You can't take vengeance on them."

"Borias, you shouldn't have done that. She's powerful-never mind, it's over your head."

X to Alti: "You think Borias is trouble now, wait and see when we knock off his little orphan girl."

Dead Amazon: "Who's that?"
X: "Cyane, Queen of the Amazons."
DA: "Cyane? She's a legend. You know her?"
X: "I killed her."

"I want you to deliver a message to Alti--tell her that Xena's coming."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

"Xena."
(well, actually, it's the only thing she says)

ALTI: SHAMANESS SEZ

"I was once an Amazon myself, but they expelled me from their number because my power was too great."

A: "The baby will be a fine healthy boy with his father's mouth and his mother's eyes."
X: "What will we call him?"
A: "Neither of you will name him."

X: "These powers you're after..."
A: "You want to know what they are? You're friend you told me about, Lao Ma, her powers come from denial, from self sacrifice, from the light. That's not for people like you and me. I want to tap into that heart of darkness, that sheer naked will behind all craving-hatred and violence. I'll become the face of death itself. Not only capable of destroying a person's body, but their soul. Help me and I'll make you Destroyer of Nations."

CYANE: SMART 'N SASSY DEAD OR ALIVE

Alive C to X: "At heart, you're an Amazon, whether you believe it or not."

Dead C to X: "An Amazon is your friend?"

Dead C: "You see, Xena, none of us can pass through the gate to Eternity. We're doomed to wander the Land of the Dead forever."
X: "Alti did this to you?"
C: "Yes, Alti."

Dead C to X: "The gate to Eternity lies in the heart of that volcano. That's where you'll find your precious Gabrielle."

MAKE ME LAUGH

I don't know what it is about the following lines that tickle my fancy…

B to X: "This stuff you're into--it's madness!"

Amazon 1: "Think she's (Xena) dead?"
Amazon 2: "Poke her!"

XENA'S SKILLS

• Bow and arrow
• Hunting and Gathering
• Seamstress
• Shamaness
• Out-of-body travel
• Mounting a horse from a drag 'n drop position

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Speaking to the living

HAIKU! BLESS YOU

I need some magic
To see Gabrielle again
Pass the eyeliner

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Eager to see Gabrielle in Eternity, Xena drinks some horses blood, does a little dance, falls over, and passes out.

G: "Xena? Xena, wake up." *gently slaps Xena's cheek*
X: "Where am I?" *sits up* "Ugh, my head hurts."
G: "Xena!" *grabs her in an amorous embrace and kisses her soundly*
"Have you been drinking? Your breath smells…"
X: "Like blood?"
G: "Blood? Ewww! Xena, that's so gross. I can't believe I just kissed you." *wipes her mouth to remove the taste*
X: *annoyed* "Oh for Gaia's sake, Gabrielle." *Xena burps and makes an unpleasant face* "I think it's trying-"
G: "To make a comeback?" *Xena nods* "Why blood? Trying to pick up on Bacchae?"
X: *rolls her eyes* "No, I drank the blood so my spirit could travel, how else do you think I got here?"
G: "By closing your eyes and clicking your heels three times?"
X: *arches her eyebrow*
G: *notices Xena's headdress* "What crawled on your head and died?"
X: *offended* "Are you making fun of my headdress?"
G: "I suppose I am." *fascinated by the horns, she touches them* "What do these do?"
X: *slaps away Gabrielle's hands* "Would you stop that? The horns are for-"
G: "Poking your enemy?"
X: *glares at Gabrielle*
G: *notices Xena's fringed buckskin clothing and takes a step back*
"Holy Hera, what are you wearing?"
X: *proud* "I made it myself."
G: *snarky* "Interesting clothing choice."
X: "You should talk, little Miss 'do these boots go with this skirt'-"
G: "Ok! Ok!" *placatingly strokes Xena's forearm* "Promise me that you'll go back to your old outfit?"
X: "Promise."
*they gaze at one another smiling, basking in each other's presence*
G: "Xena?"
X: "Hmm?"
G: "What did you do with my stuff?"
X: "I keep it with me."
G: "And my scrolls?"
X: "Those? Well, one day, there were no good leaves on the bush-"
G: *punches Xena in the arm* "Xena!"
X: "I'm joking. Actually, I gave them to your parents for safe keeping."
G: "You didn't."
X: "I did."
G: *agitated* "But Xena, I wrote stuff in my scrolls."
X: "What kind of stuff?
G: "Personal stuff--'for my eyes only stuff'--stuff about you and me! By the gods, Xena, my parents still think I'm a virgin--"
X: "They won't after they read your scrolls."
G: *pales* "I don't feel so good."
X: "Gotcha!" *grins impishly* "I didn't give them to your parents, I have your scrolls."
G: *miffed, she crosses her arms and glares at Xena* "Ha, ha, very funny."
X: "I thought so."
G: *notices and pokes at an unnatural bulge in Xena's shirt* "What's that?"
X: *nonchalant* "Uh, oh, nothing."
G: "Xena, what are you trying to hide from me?" *snakes her hand under Xena's shirt and retrieves the mystery item* "My bilious green sports bra!"
X: *looks away chagrined*
G: "What are you doing with my BGSB stuffed in your shirt?"
X: "I have no idea how that got there." *takes a sudden interest in her fringed pants*
G: "I'm waiting." *twirls the BGSB in front of Xena's face*
X: *embarrassed* "Oh, all right. I keep your BGSB in my shirt because I like having a reminder of you close to me--I sleep with it."
G: *surprised* "You do?"
X: "It smells like you."
G: *gets a bit teary* "Oh Xena, that's so sweet. I suppose if you had to sleep with something of mine…" *smiles as she contemplates Xena sleeping with her BGSB* "Thank the gods it's not my boot!"

Heavy breathing, grunting, and satiated cries are heard coming from under an undulating bearskin rug; the rug ceases moving and a muffled voice speaks...

G: "Xena, I think I have bearskin burn--can we switch next time?"

DISCLAIMER

No dead Amazons lost their lives during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Xena is recruited by an Amazon Queen desperate to make her Toaster Oven quota! Xena and Cyane get nude 'n rude in a hot oil bearskin clothes ripping catfight! And Rocky the flying Squirrel fights the evil Natasha!

LaLa