The 12 Days of a Solstice Carol

12 Chakram ricochets
11 Agitated Amazons
10 Winters ago
9 Bottles of Salmoneous' Fizzy Water
8 Neck pinch interrogations
7 Biting Bacchae
6 There is no 6 of anything
5 Rampaging warlords
4 Loaves of nutbread
3 Titans who don't play nice
2 Xena look alikes
1 Chatty sidekick

Need I point out the obvious? Need I connect the dots for anyone? Need I compare the shocking similarities between A Solstice Carol and Dickens' A Christmas Carol: King Silvus as Scrooge, Senticles as Crachit, Xena as the Fates, Gabrielle as the kickass non-gimp Tiny Tim, and Tobias as, well, the requisite stubborn mule? Thought not.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

I'm not even going to touch this one. Tempting as it is to torment you with Christmas/Xena wordplay, I will refrain...for now.

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

"How much is that doggie in the window?" becomes "How much is that donkey in the market?":

"How much is that donkey in the market?
The one with the mangy hide,
How much is that stubborn ass?
Let's barter, I must be out of my mind."

Gabrielle sings to the tune "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel":

"Orphans, orphans, orphans, the orphans we must save,
Xena Xena, Xena, just once try it my way."

THE PLAN

Xena's gonna try it Gabrielle's way. Talking, no busting heads. Can Xena resist kicking King Silvus' butt and resolve the problem peacefully? Details are scarce, the outcome questionable, but the plan is a 'go' (Gabrielle must've given her the 'puppy-eyed please' look).

G: "I know, but it will work."
X: "And what if it doesn't?"
G: "We clobber him. Please, just try it my way. Just this once in honor of the Solstice."
X: "All right, if it means that much to you."

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Xena dressed as the Fate, Clotho. My oh my...that white dress was dreamy!
• Gabrielle covered in coal dust. The slightly rumpled and grimy cheeked look is de rigueur for every bard impersonating Senticles' little helper.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Senticles. Oh, how he cried out for a pre-Mycenaean makeover! The hat, the hair, the robe, the spiky tufty eyebrows--gotta go!

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

Gabrielle the wheelin' n dealin' bargain basement super shopper meets Tobias the stubborn, talking ass, er, pardon me, donkey.

"Let's face it, I've seen healthier hides on a used couch *Tobias brays* Nothing personal."

Gabrielle is a sucker for every stray dog/hard luck case. She pays 35 dinars for a donkey! Money well spent or regrettable impulse buy?

"Tobais, c'mon! Ya know, I'm beginning to understand your former owner."
Gabrielle discovers Tobias responds to whistling, much like an Athenian streetwalker.
"Well, I'll be! *whistle* Just like Argo. I wonder what Xena will say to this?"

Before you know it, girl and donkey bond; Tobias brays and Gabrielle understands (been around Xena and Argo too long?) Tobias reminds me of...The Black Stallion? Hardly. My Pretty Pony? Not quite. Mr. Ed? Maybe. Flipper? Getting warm. Benji? Warmer. Lassie? Yes!

Tobias: *bray*
Gabrielle: "Xena told you to tell me to meet her at The Teetotaler Tavern, located between the smithy's hut and the leather tack shop, in an hour--no more no less--upstairs, third door on the left, and to wait for her wearing nothing but a big red bow and a smile?"
Tobias: *snort*
Gabrielle: "You're joking. She didn't, did she?"
Tobias: *bray*
Gabrielle: "I thought so. Tobias, you are a wicked little donkey. Don't tease me like that."

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

"Nice tree."

G: "Funny how the ribbons bring out it's (chakram) shine."
X: "It's not an ornament."

Senticles: "How do I know you're not an assassin?"
Xena: "Because if I was, you'd be dead already."
Senticles: "Works for me."

"You're a lucky man Silvus. Now surprise me and be smart too."
King Silvus: "Well, you know what I say to that?"
Xena: "Bet I can guess."

"You petty tyrants, so predictable."

"Hold it boys, where's your holiday spirit?"

Lynal: "Who's gonna help you?" (Gabrielle and Senticles tumble out of the chimney)
Xena: "Go and see to the kids, the reinforcements have arrived."

"Let the games begin!"

"Great stocking stuffers."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

To Xena: "I didn't know you did gift wrapping."

"Senticles, Senticles...of course! When I was a little girl I had a toy you made. It was this wooden lamb whose mouth would open when you pulled it's tail. Oh I loved that toy!"
"Look, if we can change the King's mind without changing his anatomy, think of the example it would be for the children."

"Trust me, Xena, if there's one thing I know, it's how to bargain."

X: "You'd better hope this plan works, otherwise, I'll do whatever it takes to keep these kids from getting hurt."
G: (aside to Senticles "She's a very physical person.") "I completely agree with you. Plan fails, we punch faces. Until then, we do it peacefully."

"I was speaking metaphorically. We shadows from the past tend to do that."

X: "Who's your friend?"
G: "Xena, meet Tobias. Now isn't he sweet? And he's trained just like Argo, you just whistle."

"Look, you say you're afraid of small spaces. Well, that's exactly how you live your whole life--in a small space, afraid to stand up for yourself or anyone else."

"Smart donkey."

"Guess my plan didn't work after all. So I guess we have to slash and crash, but thanks for trying. Back to business as usual, right?"

"Boys, come and get your Solstice present."

"You want to help me play with it?"

"This guy is driving me nuts."

X: "Guess you got that happy ending you wanted."
G: "And then some."

GAB'S ASS

Get yer mind outta da guttah, I'm talkin' 'bout Tobias! I can't resist, the temptation for juvenile wordplay is too strong. Pardon me while I indulge, run away now if you're easily offended...here are a few Alternate Titles For This Ep:

• Get Your Hands Off My Ass
• Quit Ridin' My Ass
• The Lass and The Ass
• Kiss My Ass
• My, What A Hairy Ass You've Got
• My Ass Don't Pay Me No Mind
• If You Whistle At Your Ass, It Will Come
• That's a Fine Lookin' Ass You've Got
• Gabrielle, Let Me Get This Straight, Your Ass Spoke To You and You Understood?
• Gab's Giving Classes In 'Whistling At Asses'

THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL

King Silvus was unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of a 'Warrior Princess Wake-up Call'. Lucky for him Xena didn't use all the waking techniques in her arsenal--anyone care to hazard a guess as to how many 'techniques' Gabrielle has firsthand knowledge of?

• Yank away the blanket
• Bonk with pillow
• Nudge with boot
• Nudge firmly with boot
• Douse with cold water
• Gently slap cheek
• Not so gently slap cheek
• Tickle
• Pinch, poke, and/or prod
• Pelt with objects
• Sit on
• Sit on and bounce
• Pick up
• Pick up and throw
• Sing "99 bottles of beer on the wall" loud and off-key
• Do the war cry
• Tie to and drag behind Argo
• Command Argo to nibble/lick an ear or exposed body part

NAUGHTY OR NICE?

G: "Now, no spying. If one of us sees the other shopping at a stall, then she turns and walks away, agreed?"
X: "Mmm."
G: "No peeking into other people's bags too. I mean, being surprised is half the fun, right?"
X: "Right."
G: "Nothing can cost more than 5 dinars."
X: "Then why don't I just give you 5 dinars and you can by something that you really like."
G: "Because then it wouldn't be a gift."

Shopping for a warrior is so hard. Gabrielle wonders what Solstice gift she should buy Xena; certainly not any of these items from the rejected gift list:

• Joxer's Lullaby album
• Enrollment in 'Hostility Management' and 'Communicating With Your Sidekick' self-help seminars
• Callisto fan club membership
• An Ares nightie (picture of his face and the caption, Make War Not Love)
• Double dinner date with Minya and Hower
• Hair scrunchie
• Julius Caesar's best selling scroll "Countries I've Conquered, Commoners I've Crucified"

KING KILLJOY

"As to the charge of celebrating the winter Solstice, I find you guilty of singing carols and decorating a tree!"

Here's a man who obviously needs more fiber in his diet. Prohibiting Solstice! The gall, the nerve! What a party pooper--a lump of coal upside King Silvus' crotchety old head.

QUIBBLES

When Xena split kicks the supports for the orphanage roof, it collapses and looks suspiciously like a garage door.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Xena wraps up a package of pinheaded soldiers.
• Gabrielle tells not just one, but two stories! We actually see and hear her do the bard thing.
• Gabrielle and Xena's 'who knew?' exchange of glances when King Silvus tells them Queen Analia didn't die.
• Xena's various voices for the Fates: Clotho sounds like a cross between Valley Girl and Baywatch; and Lachesis sounds like Julia Child.
• Tobias as the first pre-Mycenaean elevator. Going up? 2nd floor: lingerie, toys, and housewares; 3rd floor: King Silvus' bedchamber. Going down? 1st floor: kitchen and bath items; Lobby: shrubbery and scaredy-cat Senticles.
• Senticles as Dirty Harry.
• Gabrielle composing 'Jingle Bells'.
• The glowing holy 'Chernobyl' child.

ELVIS IS EVERYWHERE

And so is Xena. She keeps meddlin' and pokin' her finger in history's pie; here are two more 'so that's how it happened' moments:

• The origin of Santa Claus, er, Senticles
• How Jesus, Joseph, and Mary hook up with a certain donkey

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Xena's Tarzan-esque leap from King Silvus' bedchamber into the secret shameful Solstice room--kowabunga!
• Gabrielle (as the ghost of Queen Analia) falling on her bum, flopping and flailing on the ground, and recovering just in the nick of time.
• Is the coast clear? Gabrielle, Senticles, and Tobias peering around the corner of a building.
• Gabrielle falling down the chimney and landing a squeaky toy.
• Xena's reaction when Gabrielle hands her a rubber sword.
• Gabrielle hula hooping.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

Ok, this scene is actually more painful than sad: listening to the ragamuffins sing a Solstice song--ugh! Too sugary sweet for me.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

Xena's keen hearing and exceptional memory strike again; when Gabrielle tells Senticles the wooden lamb he made long ago was her favorite toy, Xena makes a mental note.

X: "Happy Solstice."
G: "What? *unwraps the toy lamb* I don't have a gift for you."
X: "Gabrielle, you are a gift to me."

Awww, how sweet! So, the Warrior Princess is a sentimental softie. Gabrielle continues to work her touchy feely magic on the dark mean chick. Now, this begs the question, if Gabrielle is a gift, does this mean Xena gets to unwrap her?

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

"Why Gabrielle, I do believe you're standing under the mistletoe."
"If I'm not mistaken, Xena, so are you."

~~~~~~

While preparing for King Silvus' soldiers to attack the orphanage, Gabrielle takes Xena aside:

"Xena?"
"Hmmm?"
"When this is over, know what I want to do?"
"Go to Disneyland?"
Gabrielle playfully slaps Xena's arm
"Tell me."
"I want to slide down your chimney, trim your tree, spin your dreidel, stuff your stocking, lick your candycane, and jingle your bells."
"Gabrielle, I love it when you talk metaphorically."

MANY SKILLS 101

Hang around Xena long enough and she's bound to teach you a few tricks. Seems Gabrielle's been doing her homework:

• Bargain Hunter/Haggler
• Burro Wrangler
• Apparition Impersonator
• Chimney Sweep
• Hula Hoop-ist
• Bell Ringer (Hello Salvation Army!)
• Honorary Wiseman, uh, Wisewoman, er, Wisenheimer? (gold, frankincense, myrrh, and a donkey!)

XENA'S SKILLS

• Gift wrapping
• Tree Trimming (not shown; does it with sword or chakram)
• Actress/Fates Impersonator
• Stocking Stuffer
• Pillow Fighting
• Remote Control Proctologist

DISCLAIMER

Senticles was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several chimneys are in dire need of repair.

TEASE ME, TAUNT ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Gabrielle in pants smokin' a stogie? Xena in nerdy eyeglasses and a skirt? The butch femme dynamic turns topsy turvey in the Xenaverse when descendants of the dynamic duo discover the Xena Scrolls and battle Ares.

LaLa