Anything you can do I can do better.

At the risk of jinxing myself *crossing fingers and knocking on wood*, this season is 3 for 3. So far (may the trend continue). Succession has a good story, a great villainess, and plenty of fights. Once again, Xena and Gabrielle fend off an overzealous wannabe, Mavican; a hot headed hussy keen to take Xena's place as Ares' chosen one. While this is not Ares intention, he quickly uses the situation to his advantage; this is his perfect opportunity to check out Gabrielle's fighting skills and woo her to the dark side.

The only sour note in this ep was the tired retread of Gabrielle resenting Xena's overprotective behavior (this was settled a season ago!) Despite this, I really enjoyed the ep. Xena was clever, Ares was devious, Mavican was off her rocker, and Gabrielle was brainy and brawny. Mind games and fisticuffs ensue -- whoohoo!

CAVALCADE OF CHARACTERS

• Xena: seems she's on everybody's sh*t list (Gab, Ares, and Miss thing) -- it's enough to make a Warrior Princess cranky.
• Gabrielle: ready to show Xena she's strong enough, smart enough, and good enough to kick some booty by herself.
• Ares: Mr. Luv 'em and leave 'em hanging.
• Mavican: the buxom, misguided, destiny chasing chickie who yearns to fill Xena's boots.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Boobzilla (thanks Netgyrl)
• Caged Heat
• I've Got You Under My Skin
• Dusk 'til Dawn
• Mavican't

THEME SONG FOR THIS EP

Rolling Stones "Satisfaction" as sung by Gabrielle:

"I can't get no satisfaction,
I can't get no butt kickin' action,
Tho' I try, and I try, and I try, Xena why?
I can't get no, I can't get no,

When a bandit's on my case,
Tryin' to punch/rearrange my face,
And blabbin' about this and that,
All I wanna do is knock him flat,
But you come in and kick his ass,
I can't get no, oh no no no,
Hey Xena hey, let me play!"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Mavican's decolletage.
• Love the bits of animal fun fur (tiger, zebra, and leopard) that comprise Mavican's barely there Frederick's of Hollywood frock.
• On anyone else the triple ponytail would look ridiculous, but it works for Mavican.
• I do like Xena in black leather...a lot.
• I know I praised the virtues of Gabrielle's new top last week, but I must say once again how much I love it -- the way is shows off Renee's musculature (the shoulders, that back!) Add a little moonlight, a sheen of sweat, and you have yourself a party. Meeeooooow!
• Gabrielle's silver bracelets/gauntlets.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Is Mavican smugglin' cantaloupes or is her padded bra 5 sizes too small?
• What is that horrid, shapeless, do nothing for the figure, princess style, leather flap sack that Xena is sporting? I know this is supposed to be maternity warrior wear, but really, I've seen circus tents with more sex appeal.
• Ok, who put the silver puffy paint all over what is supposed to be Xena's breastplate? I'm all for experimentation, but fer Gaia's sake, make the metal work resemble something a warrior would wear, not slapdash homecraft. And another thing, if this new breastplate is supposed to de-emphasize Lucy's expanding cup size, well, it doesn't.
• Psst! Renee, yer roots are showing.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• Is Mavican's cleavage meant to be a fashion statement or a diversion for her opponents? (if it's a diversion, it's working)
• Xena is looking a bit pale these days, where's the tan?
• So, this 'place' that Ares opens up -- is it a wormhole or an alternate space/time continuum?
• When will Lucy's pregnancy be dealt with? Xena's looking thick in the middle and you can tell the director is trying to downplay it with all the above waist and long shots.
• There was too much time spent on the thorny vine and for what? Do we really need to know that the vine Xena used to hog-tie Mavican is thorny? As if we can't see that plain as day.
• Is every cave in the Xenaverse equipped with a rockslide?
• With Ares referring to Xena as his old 'girlfriend', does this mean we have an answer to the paternity question posed in The Furies?

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Kevin Smith's arms -- talk about pumped up, those veins are just poppin' out.
• Of the many 'one off' red shirt villains, Mavican is pretty good. She reminds me of Velasca -- smart, fights well, has a sassy mouth, and is quite determined to get what she wants.
• Love the smoky chakram Ares exhales after bonking Mavican -- who needs a cigarette when you're a god?
• The plot of this story reminds me of two things: the movie "Ladyhawk" and the Star Trek ep where Capt. Kirk and his ol' academy rival are placed on an uninhabited planet by aliens and must battle one another (sans weapons) to the death.
• I can just picture Gabrielle thinking for the brief-est of moments when she wakes up in the dark room, "Oh great, I'm back in the Hall of Echoes."
• The CGI transitions between Xena and Gabrielle were quite believable.
• I like the contrast in fighting styles between Xena and Gabrielle.  Xena is all butchy brute force efficiency, while Gabrielle is all fierce femme finesse.
• Ares' Death Metal throne (that skeletor monstrosity -- did he steal it off the stage of a KISS concert?)
• Clever place for Xena to hide a love note: tied to Gabrielle's impromptu staff.
• Mavican certainly is a quick little Missy. Her talent for disappearing into thin air is commendable -- if only she could shut up long enough to make it work to her advantage.
• Thank you Steve Sears for portraying Gabrielle as the intelligent chick we know and love.
• When I saw Mavican with the pointy pitchfork, I briefly pictured her in the painting "American Gothic."
• Ares is such a bastard, a deceptively sincere sounding bastard. First, he takes Xena and Gabrielle against their will into the wormhole; second, he keeps Gabrielle in the dark and shows Xena the goings on via big screen TV; then tries to lure Gabrielle away from Xena, and last but not least, he leaves Miss Mavican hanging.
• How refreshing, Gabrielle has some tricks up her sleeves, er, bracelets that even Xena can't guess.
• Xena hanging one handed from that root -- quién es macho? Xena!
• Who knew the God of War was also a marital therapist? The way he brought Xena and Gabrielle closer together *sniff* Perhaps there is a bit of the alt-verse God of Love in him after all.

QUIBBLES

• Cover your ears I'm about to be crass...when I first saw Mavican confront Gabrielle, I could not tear my eyes away from her cleavage -- all I could think was "Hello, Tit City." Now, I know this might sound hypocritical coming from me -- lil' miss 'I love skin 'n skimpy outfits,' but here goes... Mavican's cleavage was so over the top, so in your face, so cartoonishly obscene. That small speck of Puritan within me was shocked to see the Xena costume designers exploiting the female anatomy in such a softcore fashion. There's a fine line between eye candy and exploitation; I'd say Mavican's ready for her Maxim magazine layout.
• Ares is such a party pooper -- interrupting a good fight, who appointed him referee? I wanted to see how the initial fight between Xena and Mavican turned out *pout*
• Where is the log? Unless the laws of physics have changed, that log should've come back for another swing.
• Mavican got up mighty quick and had no difficulty breathing/speaking after the log smacked her in the gut.
• I miss Gabrielle's's Mendhi!
• I agree with Mavican -- Gabrielle should write more. When was the last time we saw her scroll bag let alone Gabrielle taking quill to parchment?
• Xena, Xena, Xena when are you gonna give Gabrielle some credit and cut her in on the action? Did you forget how TCB Gabrielle was in Chakram? This over protectiveness is sooo season.
• Why would Gabrielle stick around after Mavican takes a log ride? How could Gabrielle have the staff kicked out of her hands -- as if she wouldn't expect Mavican to try? Oh Gab, you can do better than that!
• Golly, it took Mavican less than 30 seconds to fashion an arrowhead...I don't think so.
• So, Mavican just sheds the pokey barb vines nothin' doin'? Somehow, I don't believe that Xena would do such a poor job hog-tying Mavican.

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Gabrielle noosed up, dragged around, and knocked out by Mavican.
• Gabrielle taking the arrowhead in her shoulder.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

• Ares has given up on Xena and has his eye on Gabrielle -- do tell!
• Xena and Gabrielle sharing a body -- now that's gotta be uncomfortable, especially the transitions: Xena has to shrink into Gabrielle and Gabrielle has to expand into Xena. Talk about stretch marks, ouch!
• Interesting choice of words...Mavican asks Gabrielle what it's like "being with Xena", not what it's like "travelling with Xena".
• Mavican is the first villain to not describe Gabrielle as the annoying blond. She actually likes Gabrielle. Then again, what's not to like?
• Who knew Xena had such a way with words? Downright poet-like: "If you read this, you'll know that I'm here. Ares has merged us into the same body. But the same way that the world shares day and night -- never sees the same two together."

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

I'm taking this line out of context, but dang it, I've waited a long time to hear Xena say:

"Gabrielle, I'm coming!"

Xena and Gabrielle's 'see me-feel me-know me' heart to heart:

X: "You know, I'm surprised that you didn't consider it. What he (Ares) said --"
G: "Xena, what he said doesn't matter. I know you. Sometimes, I wonder if you really know me, but I know what's in your heart."
X: "Then you know more than I do. Gabrielle, I do see you.  Sometimes, I have trouble facing it, but I promise, I will."
G: "You don't know how much that means. Maybe, Ares did some good after all, huh?"

QUICK -- HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Mavican's post coital dagger eyes.
• Gabrielle's nostrils flare when Mavican threatens to kill her to get to Xena.
• The heat seeking chakram chasing Mavican around Demeter's temple -- especially Mavican taking evasive action as the chakram halves ricochet between the columns.
• Gabrielle deflecting Mavican's knife with her sai.
• Gabrielle goin' mano a mano with Mavican in the cave. So very, very hot to see Gabrielle not only holding her own (one handed even), but actually getting the best of Mavican. Now that's how I like to see Gabrielle portrayed: smart and capable -- none of this momentary stupidity, loss of fighting skills, save-me-Xena crap.
• Gabrielle (captive audience in the go-go cage) covering her ears "lalalala I can't hear you" as Mavican natters on about her destiny.
• Xena's impalement ruse and escape from the go-go cage. Excellent! I was whoopin' as Xena smacked Mavican upside the head, threw her on up top, and then steamrolled right over her.
• Xena doin' a speed rodeo hog-tie of Mavican.
• Gabrielle 'coming to' sitting atop a bound Mavican -- love her disoriented look and the realization that she's straddling a blond powder keg.
• Xena popping Ares in the face for trying to steal her grrl, Gabrielle.
• Ares offering safe retirement for Xena and Gabrielle visualizing Xena living at home with Mom, while she plays the chosen one of Ares. Oh yeah, Xena feeding the chickens, tending the goats, serving hash, pouring ale, and living la vida spinster. Yeah, riiiiiiight.
• Gabrielle's sexy sai flip as she considers shishkabobbing Mavican.
• Xena's smug 'nyah, nyah!' look at Ares after Mavican asks for his help.

ARES SAYS "SHALL WE PLAY A GAME?"

A to M: "I hate to tell you, but one action packed roll in the sack does not make you the heir to Ares' mantle."

X: "I don't get it, Ares, all this to watch your new girlfriend fight?"
A: "No, watch my old girlfriend fight."

X: "Why don't you give up on me?"
A: "Xena, I have given up on you."

M: "Ares, what are you doing? You said I could ask."
A: "Yeah, I said you could, I never said you should."

A to X: "You say 'Min-o-taur,' I say, 'Mine-o-taur.'"

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

G: "Xena, I had her (Mavican)."
X: "Yeah, yeah."

X to M: "You know what, sweetie? You talk too much."

X to G: "Gabrielle, I'm proud of you."

X: "Tell you what, the next bad guy we come across is all yours. The next seven _little_ bad guys we come across -- they're all yours."
G: "Little? Is that a crack about my height?"
X: "No, they're just harder for me to reach."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS:

A: "Maybe I'm trying to help."
G: "You only help yourself."

G to M: "Ares said Xena couldn't kill you, but he didn't say anything about me, so don't do anything stupid."

G to M: "You need help."

A: "I think you've got potential."
G: "Potential for what? Nevermind, I really don't want to know."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Roping and tying
• Smoke signals
• Booby traps
• Mind games
• Playing possum
• Rockslides

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Reading Xena's mind
• Gouging gourds and mutilating melons
• Solving riddles
• Self surgery

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

It ain't pretty when the muse takes a holiday and try as I might, I just couldn't flesh out any ideas that worked (as my patient and oft put upon editor, Tortuga, can attest). Sorry, folks. I hope to have something for you next week.

DISCLAIMER

Ares' libido was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

The tall dark mean chick discovers she has a bun in the oven. Hello Warrior Mum!

LaLa