Disappointed!

Due to major league baseball, I missed the first 10 minutes of Takes One To Know One. At first, I was angry, but soon I thanked the Red Socks and Oakland A's for providing a respite, however brief, from this stupid ep. I'm sure the idea for this ep had potential, but the writing and execution of Takes One To Know One was cliche and stale. This ep squandered the talents of some of my favorite characters (Lila, Cyrene, Minya, and Autolycus) and overused the presence of my least favorite (Joxer).

Takes One To Know One sought to rip off the movie Clue and did a half-ass job. I find very little in this ep worth mentioning. Perhaps Takes One to Know One, not The Way, should be yanked from syndication.

CAVALCADE OF CHARACTERS

• Xena: Jessica Fletcher in leather.
• Gabrielle: the birthday girl, who is older, but not necessarily wiser.
• Cyrene: the hostess with the mostess.
• Lila: sister sister.
• Minya: wild and crazy thespian.
• Autolycus: the stone snatching stud.
• Revinica: bounty babe. Dead bounty babe.
• Discord: a lesser god with a bratty disposition.
• Joxer: who let this jackass on the set?

NOT SO SUCCINCT STORY SYNOPSIS

As usual, any event involving Gabrielle is bound to go awry and the planning of her surprise birthday party is no exception. Her sister, Lila, and friends, Minya and Autolycus, convene in Cyrene's tavern to cut the cake. It becomes apparent that another uninvited guest, other than Jackass, is also in the tavern. A bounty hunter, Ravenica, hopes to kill Xena when she shows up for the festivities. Well, a funny thing happens that dark and stormy night. Ravenica is dead, not Miss tall, dark, and buttkicky. To add unnecessary plot drama, Discord, the goddess of retribution, gives Xena until sunrise to find the killer -- "or else." Oooo, scary. As if I had any doubt, Xena proves Revinica's death is accidental and self-inflicted. Gosh, I didn't see that coming. The End.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Clueless
• Who dunnit? Who cares!
• Argo with the dagger in the bedroom

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

Wham! "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" becomes "Wake Me Up When The Show Is Over" as sung by me:

"Wake me up when the show is over,
Gonna put my head back under the cover,
Wake me up when this ep is over,
'Cuz I can't bear to watch another scene"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

Cyrene's bountiful cleavage.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• Cyrene's cranium cinching headband.
• Lila's $2.99 Xena wig castoff.
• Autolycus' new coif. Is he renting it from George Michael? Or did he buy it cheap from George Clooney?
• Minya's raggedy dress -- where's the leather? This woman was born to wear leather!
• Gabrielle's flat, mousse deprived 'do.
• Discord is one big fashion don't. Take your pick, she's broken every rule.
• I enjoy skin like everyone else, but the leather Chippendale Cabana Boy short shorts and dog collars worn by Discord's stud service were silly, not sexy.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• Why did I bother to watch this ep?
• Why am I bothering to write about it?
• Minya traveling without Hower? Where is he? Hmmm, could it be she ditched him for her new 'Thespian' friend?
• How could Ravenica recognize the real Xena from the poorly drawn bounty poster?
• So, why wasn't Gabrielle's birthday celebrated at her parent's house? Lila travels to the tavern sans Ma and Pa; does this mean Gabrielle is on bad terms with them? Have her parents disowned her because of her relationship with Xena?
• Why didn't Gabrielle use her Magic Cloud Cover Girl Powder Puff during the fight?

QUIBBLES

• Why did TPTB let a hack, Jeff Vlaming, write a script that frittered away my time and polluted the airwaves with pointless, tedious pap? If I had known I was going to waste an hour, I would've watched Pamela Lee Anderson's V.I.P. instead. At least I'm guaranteed more action, more plot, and more jiggle.
• This ep is all talk and very little action. Hint: Xena is an _action_ show.
• When Xena awoke during the night, she changed into her armor awfully quick. Ridiculously quick.
• Ravenica stabbed through a keyhole?? Oh Gabrielle. What have you been smoking? [Netgyrl thinks she's been taking hits off her 'smoke blower'.]
• Last week, Joxer experienced character development and as a result, I hoped this would signal fewer juvenile outbursts. Wrong! He's more annoying than ever. I wish he was been the stiff found dead in the tavern and not Revinica.
• Joxer's continuing, tiresome, and pathetic pining for Gabrielle has not been funny or touching for a looooooong time. Give it a rest. Every time he starts the puppy-eyed schtick, I puke.
• I cannot tolerate Discord. She's bratty, has bad teeth, and dresses like a two bit trailer trash Wednesday Addams wannabe. Discord looks much to young to ride those pony boys -- it's like watching a Elvira's slutty baby sister. Ew!
• With the exception of Salmoneus and Autolycus, TPTB should leave Hercules characters on Hercules! More often than not, crossover gods or characters don't work -- a perfect example is Discord. She just doesn't jibe in the Xenaverse. However, I would make an exception for Nebula, Widow Twanky, and Morrigan. Now there are some ladies I wouldn't mind seeing in the Xenaverse.

QUEEN SIZE QUIBBLE

Gabrielle's non-violence pisses me off. When the big fight starts, she scurries into the kitchen and safely watches the action from behind a doorjamb. So much for guarding Xena's back. (I say Xena deserves a new sidekick, someone who defends herself -- someone like Minya.)

When the writers "developed" Gabrielle this season, they completely changed who she is. I don't recognize this pansy peacenik. This isn't the Gabrielle I've come to know and love during 4 1/2 seasons. Until The Way, Gabrielle was developing nicely; she learned how to defend herself and others. She is non-violent by nature, but learned the valuable lesson of defending those who cannot defend themselves. Then Eli shows up and fills her pretty little head with all sorts of silly ideas. Gabrielle does a 180 and renounces violence and throws away her staff (which she originally chose for it's 'non-threatening' qualities and use as a walking stick). She won't fight back and she won't defend herself. Argh! Goodbye Seasons 1, 2, and 3. Gabrielle's spiritual quest turned into character assassination and once again, Xena is thrust back into the role of protector.

All the while, Gabrielle flaunts this unspoken moral superiority at Xena for her dark ways. Gabrielle fancies herself more spiritually evolved than Xena because she doesn't fight. What a bunch of self-righteous, hypocritical crap. This is the same person who shouted in Tale of Two Muses, "Save some for me!" during a fight. Gabrielle was and is attracted to Xena's dark, violent nature -- Gabrielle owes her life to Xena's skill as a warrior. Without Xena using her physical might to defend the weak and crush evil, the bad guys would've won a long time ago. Gabrielle fails to realize there ain't no yin without yang and there ain't no peace without the muscle to back it up. I dislike this new Gabrielle, but more so, I despise the writer's who can't consistently portray her. One week she's street savvy, the next she's naïve rube ripe for the plucking. (Pssst! The writers of Xena could learn a thing or two by watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer; that show writes evolving, complex characters _consistently_).

There are more interesting ways to explore a life of non-violence, which the writers choose to ignore and take the easy way out instead. Gabrielle could have cultivated an approach similar to Lao Ma. Lao Ma sought peace, but used her power to defend herself and others. Do I think Lao Ma automatically negated her peacenik status because she occasionally kicked ass? No. In fact, I admire Lao Ma for her wisdom - knowing when to talk and when to fight. Another character similar to Lao Ma is Cain from Kung Fu, who only fights when attacked. Cain approaches conflict from a defensive stance. First, he tries to diffuse situations with words and if that fails, he resorts to physical action.

Why can't Gabrielle take a similar approach? She could easily integrate her desire for non-violence without tossing her staff in the river. Gabrielle takes Eli's Pollyanna pacifist philosophy to the extreme. By doing so, she endangers herself, Xena, and others. I can hardly wait for the inevitable return of Gabrielle at knifepoint waiting to be rescued by you know who.

I'm disgusted by this development and it makes me question my desire to continue watching the show. What attracted me to Xena was the portrayal of 2 self-sufficient, kickass grrls. Gabrielle does not kick ass and relies on Xena for protection. Boring! This is not the Carnival Cruise I signed up for. I have a better understanding of those Xenites so offput by the rift that their interest dulled or they stopped watching altogether. This show used to be sexy, romantic, action packed, and spin a good yarn, but this whole season has been one mediocre show after another; the good moments in each ep are fewer and fewer. Please remind me again why I'm watching this show?

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Xena and her impromptu chobos.
• Cyrene's private amusement over bruised fruit.
• Minya pretending to be "conversing men" in Revinica's room.
• So, Argo is a killer - a real kung fu pony...like mistress, like equine.
• That's a mighty big key Xena's tucked into her cleavage. Ouch!

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

This whole ep bored me to tears.

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

There's more subtext between Minya and her whip, Cyrene and her bruised fruit than between Xena and Gabrielle.

QUICK -- HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

I suggest fast forwarding to the last 30 seconds of the ep. This is the only part worth watching again -- the gang surprising Gabrielle with a cake and song.

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

G to X: "She's your mother."

G to X: "Xena, there's a bounty hunter after you. She's...on the floor. Dead."

MINYA SAYS THE WACKIEST THINGS

M to J: "Oh get a clue!"

"Smells lavendery all right."

CYRENE SAYS THE KINKIEST THINGS

"Maybe she (Ravenica) liked her pears bruised."

AUTOLYCUS SAYS THE CLEVEREST THINGS

"Muzzles, leather bonds, manacles -- oh nothing unusual here."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Putting 2 and 2 together

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Running away
• Hiding
• Being a wimp

LIMERICKS ALA LALA

There once was a stiffie in a room
Murdered by we don't know whom
After a lot of talk and no action
Discord gets little satisfaction
And this ep can't end too soon

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

The party is over. Everyone else has gone to bed except for Xena and Gabrielle. They sit at a table drinking wine as the embers glow in the fireplace.

G: "That was some party."
X: "Yes it was."
G: "I've never seen you do that cherry stem trick before."
X: "Something I picked up in the old days."
G: "Autolycus sure seemed to like it." *takes a sip of wine* "So..."
X: "So...?"
G: "Xena, do you know what I wished for when I blew out the candles on my cake?"
X: "Um, more cake?"
G: "No."
X: "To get rid of Joxer?"
G: "No, but if you do, I won't mind."
X: "Bruised fruit? Perhaps a pear?"
G: "No, Xena, that's what your mother wants."
X: "Hmmm, your old amazon outfit and staff?"
G: "I'm not that kind of girl anymore."
X: *mutters* "Pity." *louder* "What did you wish for Gabrielle?"
G: *leans closer and conspiratorially whispers* "A spanking."
X: "Excuse me?"
G: "I said I want a spanking."
X: "Have you been bad?"
G: "No! I mean I want a birthday spanking."
X: "Oh really." *leans back and ponders this exciting turn of events, while keeping a poker face* "Gabrielle, I don't think I've ever heard of birthday spankings."
G: *incredulous* "You've never heard of...?"
X: *feigns ignorance* "Nope."
G: "For Gaia's sake, it's tradition, uh, Amazon tradition!"
X: "Since when?"
G: "Since...since Ephiny said so?"
X: "I think she's blowing wind up your skirt."
G: "Um, she showed me a, a scroll --"
X: "Are you sure she wasn't showing you one of her Sappho scrolls?"
G: "Xena, over the years, spanking has fallen out of practice. As Amazon queen, I want to bring back some of the old traditions."
X: "You know, some traditions fall out of favor for a reason."
G: "Look, I don't know why the Amazons stopped spanking one another."
X: *gives a snort of laughter* "Now there's a mystery worth solving."
G: "C'mon, I want to try it, it sounds like fun."
X: *pretends to have reservations* "Well..."
G: "Now, Xena, you wouldn't turn down a request form the Amazon Queen would you?"
X: "Oh, I suppose not."
G: *lets out an excited whoop*
X: "But we do it _my_ way."
G: "Xena, it's _my_ birthday. Why should we do it _your_ way?"
X: "Trust me. You'll like it." *smirks*
G: "Fine. What do you have in mind?"
X: *looks at the handcuffs lying nearby on the table and then back at Gabrielle*
G: "Huh?"
X: *jerks her head in the direction of the handcuffs to put a finer point on her meaning*
G: "What? Why are you twitching?"
X: *leans across the table and whispers in Gabrielle's ear*
G: "Ohhhh..." *her cheeks flush and her eyes glaze over*
X: *smirks*
G: *jumps up, grabs Xena's hand and the pair of handcuffs* "C'mon, let's go bruise some fruit."

DISCLAIMER

If anyone knows the disclaimer, please forward it to me. Thanks!

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

What led to the decline of the Amazon nation? That question answered next week when Gabrielle returns to the Amazons to rule as the kinder, gentler pacifist queen. Before Gabrielle can start teaching yoga to her subjects, Caesar declares war on the feather headed lassies. Will Gabrielle talk or fight? Hah! Who am I kidding? Gabrielle will talk and Xena will fight.

LaLa