I'd like to be under the sea, In an octopus' garden in the shade

Ahoy, landlubbers! Don your water wings! Xena, Gabrielle, and the King of Thieves take a little cruise. The Love Boat? Uh, nooo--there's a rodent on board, but it ain't Gopher. Titanic? Sorry, no icebergs or nude drawing sessions. Das Boot? Nein. No deodorant challenged German soldiers. Poseidon Adventure? Kind of, but Shelley Winters is nowhere to be seen...or heard.

Tsunami, for all its high seas hijinks, left me high and dry--stranded on an isle of ho-hum. Suffice to say, the ep didn't float my boat. Two things about this ep made me cringe; first, it was like watching an episode of Baywatch (barf): a cliché societal cross section of wet, good-looking (for the most part) people thrown into dire circumstances--they must learn to accept one another and work as a team

to save the day. Pity they couldn't work in a slo-mo jog of Gabrielle running down the beach. Second, I could not ignore the wild liberties taken with science and plausibility (fathom this, Einstein!). I realize Xena is fantasy, but I taxed my imagination until it hurt.

Go on, take the plunge--if you dare. Personally, I'm still waiting for my ship (and a plausible plot) to come in.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Splish Splash
• Sink or Swim
• All Wet, All The Time
• The Wave
• Wipeout
• Cabin Fever
• Hell or High Water
• You Sunk My Battleship!
• Reefer Madness
• C'mon In, The Water's Fine

THEME SONGS FOR THIS EP

The Beach Boys' "Catch A Wave" as sung, synopsis style, by Xena:

"Catch a wave and sink to the bottom of the world,
Gabrielle followed Autolycus onboard a ship,
Getting us in trouble again,
Then a tidal wave re-routed our trip,
Dog paddle the geyser stream to the surface,
On the way up, punch Macon in the face,
Catch a wave and you're sittin' on the sea floor"

Christopher Cross' "Sailing" as sung by Gabrielle:

"Sailing, Takes me away,
To places I don't want to be,
If the seasickness doesn't get me,
Then it's the bottom of the sea"

"Gilligan's Island Theme" as sung by the Palm Reader:

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip,
That started from this Pre-Mycenaean port aboard this tiny ship,
The Capt. was a mighty sailing man, the mine owner proud and sure,
Many prisoners set sail that day for a chain gang tour, a chain gang tour,
The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed,
If not for the courage of a dark mean chick,
The Xenaverse would be lost, the Xenaverse would be lost,
The ship sprang a leak and sank like a stone to the bottom of the sea,
With Gabrielle, and Xena too, the mine owner and his wife, the King of Thieves,
The Capt. and some ruffians and treacherous geyser reefs!"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Xena and Gabrielle lookin' like lush 'n lovely, wet 'n wild Pre-Mycenaean water nymphs.
• Gabrielle's disaster survivor 'look': sprawled on the beach in her wash and wear BGSB and clingy mini, her belly lightly sprinkled with sand'.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

• The Palm Reader's bead and bangle encrusted, '101 uses for scarves' psychic muumuu.

BON VOYAGE

Behind the beaded curtain...Gabrielle wastes some time at the Palm Reader's table, while Xena impatiently waits.

PR: "You are going on a long voyage. I see a man on this voyage."
X: "Let me guess...tall, dark, and handsome, right?"
PR: "As a matter of fact, he is."
X: "Right. C'mon Gabrielle."
G: "Give her a chance. See, we're not going on a voyage. We just need some supplies--we're just passing through."
PR: "Perhaps I misread."
X: "Perhaps." *Palm Reader gives Xena the evil eye* "Sorry, your dinar."
G: "Have another look." *Palm Reader gasps* "What? What is it?"
X: "All right, Gabrielle, that's enough. C'mon, Gabrielle, please."
*Gabrielle gets up and walks to the door*
PR: "No! There's danger. Great danger and death."
G: "Did you hear that? She just described every day of our lives."

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?

G: "Sort of spooky, huh?"
X: "If you buy into that sort of thing. Look, your future is less in your palm than your own two hands--it's what you make of it."
G: "Ok, then these two hands better locate some food or there'll be no dinner in our future."

BACK ON THE CHAIN GANG OR CAUTION: CONVICT CROSSING

During Gabrielle's quest for fire, er, food, she spies a familiar face among a chain gang of convicts being led onto a boat.

G: "Autolycus?"
A: "Gabrielle? You shouldn't be here."
G: "Me? You're in a chain gang, what happened?"
A: "Small miscalculation. Now get out of here will you? Before you make things worse."

FROM BAD TO WORSE

Gabrielle disregards Autolycus' advice and follows him onboard. The Capt. doesn't take too kindly to her presence or questions about Autolycus.

Capt.: "Take him below and cast her ashore."

Autolycus opens his mouth and gets punched for being heard and not seen.

G: "Why don't you pick on somebody who can fight back?"

Gabrielle's batting practice begins--great double head bonk--she shows those mangy mateys a thing or two as she swabs the deck with their raggedy behinds. Alas, 'The Poteidaia, Slugger's' home run streak comes to an end: Gabrielle loses her staff, the ship sets sail, and the black 'n blue barnacle boys take her hostage. Realizing her precarious predicament, Gabrielle calls 911.

G: "Xena! Xena quick! Help Xena!"

Xena hears the mating, er, distress call of the endangered bard. She traverses the distance from shore to ship with an Olympic worthy spin flip off the horizontal bars.

FANCY MEETING YOU HERE

Once on ship, Xena convinces the Capt. and Thadeus (the mine owner/owner of the ship) she is friend, not foe. Down in the ship's hold, she finds Autolycus amongst the convict riff raff.

X: "All right, so what gives, huh? Nobody keeps the King of Thieves in chains unless he wants to be there. So why would you want to be sent to these mines. What's in them?"
A: "Oh, you know. The usual just dust, dirt, and rocks."
X: "Diamonds?"
A: "Diamonds? Oh, well, yeah, sure a few."

BLOWING SMOKE

X: "Can't you feel it? Can't you smell it?"

Mount Aetna is erupting, ash fills the sky and the ocean depth steadily falls. Xena tries to convince Thadeus of the imminent danger, but he thinks she's full of hot air. Fool.

Thadeus: "So, why are we running from a volcano?"
Xena: "We're not, we're running from worse."

The Capt. realizes Xena is right and takes evasive maneuvers. As the queen of understatement battens the hatches and trims the sails, Gabrielle appears topside.

G: "Xena?"
X: "Gabrielle, get down below."
G: "What's happening?"
X: "We're expecting trouble. Now go."
G: "Wait, what's the problem? Maybe I can help you."
X: "Gabrielle, there, that's the problem."

Gabrielle and Xena watch helplessly as the biggest wall of water in the known world barrels down on the ship.

JOURNEY TO THE BRINEY DEEP OR UNDERWATER WITH JACQUES COSTEAU

The ship has been turned completely over and is slowly sinking, by some miracle (and I do mean miracle since it defies the laws of science) the ship's hold has enough air and structural integrity to keep Autolycus, Xena, Gabrielle, Thadeus and his wife, Soraya, the Capt., and the convicts Macon, and Petrodes alive.

A STICH IN TIME

While Xena and Gabrielle tend to the injured Thadeus, Macon grows increasingly agitated. Gabrielle reminds him that a higher power is at work on the problem.

G: "Xena knows what she's doing."

This friendly reminder goes over as well as Centaur droppings stuck to your boot; Macon grabs Gabrielle.

M: "Alright, enough doctoring the dying. I'm getting out of here, so, back off or she buys it right now."

Xena ignores Macon's ultimatum and continues her medical ministrations 'tra la la' as if nothin' doin'; she explains, in Dick and Jane terms, their predicament and the necessity for caution. Xena distracts Macon long enough to throw a dagger that slices through the rope he's holding around Gabrielle's throat; once free, Gabrielle elbows Macon in the gut, grabs the dagger, and hightails it to the Warrior Princess. While Macon gasps for air and contemplates the piss poor execution of his plan, Xena has a word of warning.

X: "You do that again and I won't wait for the sea. I'll kill you myself."

PISS POOR PLAN PART 2

Macon gets an "A" for effort, but a "F" for execution; he tries to drown Thadeus, but Soraya brains him with a club.

M: "Well, what do you know? The bitch has bite afterall. Out of the way. He's a goner, no point in letting him use my air. I say we put him out of his misery."

Autolycus intervenes and tries to dissuade Macon.

M: "Who's gonna stop me? You?"
X: "And me."
G: "Yeah."
M: "Bunch of losers."

EITHER THIS IS A HAIR-BRAINED IDEA OR A PLAN OF UNADULTERATED SUBLIME GENIUS

X: "I've got a plan, but it's risky. I'm proposing we fill some wineskins with air and then we knock a hole in the side of the ship and when the water levels out, we swim for a geyser sucking air until we reach the surface."
M: "I think I speak for everyone when I say *pphhhhtttt*"
<snip-o-rama>
X: "Macon, if you've got any better ideas, I would sure like to hear them."
G: "We all would."

WINNER BY DEFAULT

Xena and Macon continue to verbally duke it out: 'My plan is better than your plan' 'No, it isn't' 'Yes, it is' 'Is not' 'Is so'. Macon calls for a vote. Xena garners the majority of support. Macon tries to bully Petrodes to vote his way; instead, Petrodes shows his party leanings by pointing a crossbow at Macon. Xena throws her chakram to prevent Petrodes from going off half cocked; unfortunately, the chakram ricochets and slices a rope holding a heavy crate. The crate falls, upsets the weight distribution, and forces reef rocks through the hull of the boat.

WALK ON WATER

Petrodes admits to Xena that he can't swim. As with every phobia, it is borne of childhood trauma--the guilt he feels over the drowning death of his younger brother. Xena, ever the pragmatist and never one to talk 'feelings' or over analyze a problem, offers him this succinct, sage, suggestion.

Xena to Petrodes: "Let it go, whatever your hiding from. Turn around and face it."

THAR SHE BLOWS

Xena enlists Gabrielle and Soraya to blow up wineskins; Autolycus and Petrodes pull up planks to open an escape hatch. It's now or never, time to shove off. Xena asks Autolycus to escort Thadeus and Soraya to the surface.

G: "I'll take the Capt."
X: "You'll need help." *looks expectantly at Macon*
M: "When pigs fly."
P: "I'll do it."

TINY BUBBLES

Xena herds a reluctant Macon out of the boat, then she follows. As they swim for the surface, Macon loses a grip on his wineskin of air and watches helplessly as it shoots to the surface. He goes after Xena's wineskin of air; they grapple in the geyser bubbles; Xena clobbers Macon unconscious; she vacillates 'should I-shouldn't I?', then dives to save his sorry a**.

CLUELESS

G: "We did it!"

Yeehaw, terra firma. Gabrielle surveys her surroundings: she sees a soggy Autolycus help Soraya and Thadeus ashore; and she spies a beached whale, er, Macon, but no Xena. Gabrielle nervously scans the sea.

G: "Xena." *she runs into the surf and gives the waterlogged warrior a shoulder to lean on* "You're ok. You know, you had me worried for a minute there."
X: "I'm sorry about that, I had to go back for something." *they walk, passing by Macon*
M: "Why? I'm a killer. Why'd you come back? What'd you expect?"
X: "From you-nothing. From me--nothing less." *Macon gets up and walks away with a 'you so crazy' shake of the head*
G: "He doesn't get it, does he?"
X: "Not a clue."

LIFE'S LITTLE LESSONS OR THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS…

This ep smacked of a heavy-handed morality play. It seems that everyone 'learns a lesson' and/or experiences a personal epiphany. So, what pearls of wisdom are cast upon us today?

• Soraya learned: You can't hide a pregnancy forever, might as well admit you've got a bun in the oven.
• Thadeus learned: An ounce of prevention and some birth control... Also, Soraya may walk softly, but she carries a big stick.
• Capt. learned: It's better to give a nosey bard what she wants than suffer the consequences. Also, keep a low profile and you'll live to see the end of the episode.
• Macon learned: Some doors are better left unopened. Also, you don't mess with the Warrior Princess.
• Petrodes learned: Taunting Macon with such clever rhymes as "What's shakin' Macon." "No fakin', Macon." and, "Macon smells like bacon." is an invitation to an asskicking. Also, do not chase balls into the water.
• Gabrielle learned: Sand really, really chafes sensitive spots and it takes forever to get it out of those hard to reach places.
• Autolycus learned: what Xena knew all along--Gabrielle can't be left alone for a minute without getting into trouble. Also, chains, in the proper context, are a good look.
• Xena learned: Wet leather creaks, squeaks, and sqooshes. And lastly, sometimes, just sometimes, those dinar-a-dozen Palm Readers are on the money.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• What is it about boats and the grrls that spells trouble?
• What crime did meek, malcontent, milquetoast Petrodes commit that was bad enough to get him sent to the mines?
• What possessed Xena to even consider entrusting Gabrielle's safety to Macon?
• How did the unconscious Captain make it to shore without drowning?
• Gabrielle loses her staff again, but we all know it will be in her hot little hand next week. Will it float to the surface and like one of the animals in 'The Incredible Journey' find its way back to her?
• What happened to Petrodes after he left the ship with Gabrielle? Did a giant squid eat him? Did he make it to shore? Where oh where did little whiney boy go?

QUIBBLES

• Gabrielle is held at knifepoint yet again, and later in the ep, she's got a hemp rope 'choker'. It's time for more creative 'restraints'.
• The ship TPTB use in this episode (and countless other Xena and Hercules eps) sure is getting a workout-couldn't they at least try and make it look a wee bit different each time?
• Amazing how for zero visibility, the ship was able to navigate the rocky reefs so well (Hunt for Red October anyone?) and then the ship runs aground on the reef, teeter tottering precariously over a chasm-oh the sheer nail-biting hokey unbelievability of it all! It had the dynamic tension of worn out underwear elastic.

KIBBLES AND BITS

• The homage to The Poseidon Adventure.
• I cannot imagine filming in hip deep water for days upon end-kudos and big fluffy towels to the pruney Lucy, Renee, and Bruce.
• One thing I love about Xena, she's always got a trick or two up her gauntlet--she has more found object solutions than McGyver.
• The Palm Readers' Ozzy Osbourne-esque 'shout at the devil' hand gesture.
• Xena teaching Gabrielle how to set broken bones.
• Gabrielle petulantly chucking a wineskin of air at Macon.
• Xena spitting up salt water-how is it that she can make regurgitation look sexy?

FAMILIAR FACES

The actor who portrays Macon also portrayed Goliath in "Giant Killer" The actor who portrays the Capt. also portrayed Hector (Draco's army man) in "Sins of the Past"

HOW NOT TO WOO A WARRIOR PRINCESS OR NO THANK YOU, I PREFER TO DATE WITHIN MY SPECIES

Macon to Xena: "I got something you can look at-bet you'd like it too."

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN: SHE'S DEAD, JIM, DEAD

After the tidal wave hits the boat, Xena gathers her wits and Autolycus to search for Gabrielle. From another compartment, they hear Petrodes shrieking.

P: "She's dead!"

They slog their way to Petrodes, clearing crates and whatnot out of the way until Gabrielle is visible; Xena gently rolls her over. Horror! There's blood on her fab abs.

P: "Get her off me, she's dead."
A: "The wound, I can't see it."
X: "Because it's not hers."

The wound belongs to the unconscious Capt., who is lying next to her. Gabrielle comes around (a bit dazed and confused) to the relief of one tall dark mean chick.

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...TAG TEAM HYDRO THERAPY

Soraya thanks Autolycus for sticking up for her incapacitated, money grubbing husband. He accepts the thanks and beats a hasty retreat. Now it's time for a little group 'I'm OK you're OK hug therapy' 20,000 leagues under the sea.

X: "She's right you know. Like it or not, you are a good man."
A: "Spare me, Xena, we both know what I am."
G: "What's that?"
A: "Someone who'd let a friend walk straight into trouble--all for the chance to steal a few lousy diamonds."
X: "Well, excuse me, I must have mistaken you for a man who once risked his life to save mine."
G: "There is quite a resemblance."
A: "Look, you don't get it, even then it wasn't my idea. Xena, c'mon, you were here inside me, you know the truth. I'm an opportunist-plain and simple."
G: "You didn't ask me for help, I jumped in with both feet."
A: "But if you didn't think I was in trouble, you wouldn't be here and neither would you. How do you think that makes me feel?"
X: "Guilty."
A: "I'll drink to that." *picks up a floating wineskin* "Ha! It's empty, nothing but hot air-how perfect is that?"

SCORCHY SEXY NOT SO SUBTEXT

Xena and Gabrielle tend to the Capt.'s wounds.

G: "He's lost a lot of blood."
X: "His pulse is weak, he's in shock."
G: "I'd say that goes for all of us. Trapped in here until we run out of air--or luck."
X: "We'll just try and keep him as warm as we can." *Xena adjusts the soggy blanket covering the Capt.; Gabrielle places her hand over Xena's*
G: "What are we going to do?"
X: "I'm working on it."

Parting is such sweet sorrow *sniff*...the final exodus from the sunken ship.

X: "Hey Gabrielle, see you topside, huh?"
G: "Right." *they clasp hands; then Gabrielle takes a deep breath and heads for the surface*

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Xena's facial expressions (the eyebrow arch and mad grin) during her 'comprendes vous? psychological psych-out I'll make you blink first' battle of the wills as Macon chokes Petrodes.
• Petrods freaking out, babbling a doomsday 'We're all gonna die, Die, DIE!' rant and Xena giving him a 'get a hold of yourself man! No whiners allowed' smack upside the head.
• The closing shot of Xena and Gabrielle strolling down the beach arm in arm.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

A: "Xena? What are you doing here?"
X: "You know, I was going to ask you the same thing. Chains aren't usually your look."

"Yeah, call me crazy."

Xena to Macon: "Back off!"

X: "Hold on, we're going down!"

G: "So what do you think of that Palm Reader now?"
X: "Well, like you said, just another day."

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

"Autolycus is not an animal."

"Well, no wonder you're sick. There are these pressure points that I can show you that will clear it right up."

G about Soraya: "She's on a roll."

AUTOLYCUS: KING OF THIEVES, MASTER OF WITTY REPARTEE

A to X: "Can you blame me? It's like waving a red flag in front of a Minotaur."

"I've seen more leaks in a sieve."

A: "Well, I've heard worse plans-not many, but I'm game."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Weathergrrl
• Javelin Throwing
• Lumberjack
• Motivation Coach

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Fraternizing with prisoners
• Bone-setting
• Marriage Counselor

HAIKU! BLESS YOU

Xena where are we?
They keep calling me Ginger
Gilliga--who's Island?

My BGSB
Does double duty as a
Floatation device

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Gabrielle and Soraya are blowing up wineskins with air. Macon wades over near them, stops and stares.

Macon: "You two do that really well."
*Gabrielle and Soraya share a confused look and go back to blowing*
M: "When you two are done with those skins, I've got something you can--"
Autolycus: "Do for Xena. She wants you to help pull up some planks."
M: "I ain't helping that b--"
A: "Badass babe who will break every bone in your body? Why not tell her yourself?"
*Macon sloshes away grumbling under his breath*
Soraya: "Thanks again, Autolycus. What did Macon mean?"
A: *chuckles* "You are so sheltered."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, what was he talking about?"
A: "And you are so young."
G: *miffed* "Autolycus, I am not young! I was married too...for a day."
A: *mutters to himself* "What a difference a day can make." *louder* "To what's his name--Pecan? Percodan? Perky?"
G: *annoyed* "Perdicus. Now quit avoiding my question."
A: *looks away and clears his throat* "Blow. You know..."
G: *blank look* "No, I don't."
A: "The birds, the bees." *looks at her expectantly*
G: "Blowing a bee? Is this anything like fisting a fish? Because Xena--"
A: *he blushes furiously* "No, no, no fish." *regains his composure* "Uh, blowing…a woman...and a man..." *waggles his eyebrows*
G: "Wait, what about the bees?"
A: "Oh, forget the bees." *momentarily stumped, he strokes his mustache and mumbles* "Blow, blow, how to explain blowing?" *then, he has an idea* "My dear girl, blowing is like sucking."
G: "Now you've really lost me."
A: "Suck, Gabrielle, suck."
G: "Excuse me?"
A: "Suck--"
G: "Suck what?" *confused* "What happened to blow?"
A: "Ok, let me back up. 'Suck' as in 'sucking', um, a lemon."
G: "First bees, then men and women, and now fruit--Autolycus, pick an analogy and stick with it. I'm a bard, not a mind reader."
A: "Ok, ok, imagine sucking, but sucking is really blowing in this case, so think of blowing a lemon, but the lemon is not a lemon, it's actually a...a..." *cough* "man. So, when I say blow..." *nods his head in the hopes she'll connect the dots*
G: "I'm sucking?"
A: "Yes."
G: *furrows her brow* "But then, I'm also blowing."
A: *excited* "Yes!"
G: "I'm so confused."
A: *smacks his forehead in frustration* "Gabrielle, repeat after me. Suck..."
G: "Suck."
A: "And blow."
G: "And blow." *mulls it over for a moment* "Suck and blow."
A: "There you go!" *he sighs in relief*
G: "No, I still don't know." *massages her temple* "This is giving me a headache."
A: *tries a different tack* "Imagine you and--"
G: *hopeful* "Xena?"
A: *confused* "Well, no, I was thinking of Per--Xena?"
G: "Autolycus, am I imagining something or not?"
A: *whispers* "By the gods, it's all making sense now."
G: *quickly losing her patience* "Yes or no--does Xena have anything to do with this?"
A: "Not really, I mean, I didn't think so, but…" *pauses* "You and--is it true? I hear all sorts of gossip in the taverns-not that I believe much of it, then there was the body sharing experience with Xena--I kind of suspected--so when you mentioned 'fisting a fish'! Ha! Well, that pretty much lays it all out." *playfully slugs Gabrielle in the shoulder* "And you say I speak in analogy!"
G: *exasperated* "What you are talking about?"
A: *now it's his turn to be exasperated* "Suck and blow."
Xena: "I don't think so." *crosses her arms and arches an eyebrow*
A: *spins around in surprise* "Xena! I was just--"
X: "Leaving?"
A: "Right. Now remember, Gabrielle, TUCK and ROLL."
G: "Huh? What happened to suck--"
A: *interrupts and laughs nervously* "Uh, I just remembered I need to dive for some dinars. Why not ask Xena?" *mutters to himself as he quickly wades away* "Zeus! That child is naïve. Maybe they're not after all..."
G: *imploring* "Xena, would you please explain what sucking and blowing have to do with the birds and the bees?"
X: *smirks and steps closer to Gabrielle* "Tell you, hmm?"
G: "Yes."
X: *purrs* "How about if I show you."

DISCLAIMER

No Cast or Crew were singing "Tanks For The Memories" during the production of this motion picture. However, the phrase "Strike the Set" was given new meaning.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

What is that 'thing' on Xena's face? Why is she dressed in a gown like Cinderella's evil sister? Why is she talking in 'a fingernails on chalkboard nasal whine ala Fran Drescher? And why is Autolycus dressed as a Hunchback? Are they wearing disguises in order to infiltrate some secret society fronted by a bald headed, mustachioed Pre-Mycenaean Yul Brenner? Tune in next week, if you dare!

LaLa