Please release me let me go.

When in Rome is a good ep; of course, I welcome any decent ep after the likes of Forgiven and King Con. 'Good' for character development and an engaging story, but beyond that, the ep didn't really move me. I can't quite put my finger on it, some sort of nebulous dissatisfaction (a close relative of free floating anxiety ;) ). Little things, like Xena's excessive crankiness, Crassus' whining, and certain "Huh?" plot twists contributed to my subdued reaction.

On the positive side, it's a pleasure to see Caesar again. That man can get Xena riled up like nobody else, save Ares. It's also rewarding to see Gabrielle grapple with the inflexibility of her 'thou shall believe the best of everyone and save every stray soul'. In this ep, she struggles to reconcile those beliefs with her chosen lifestyle; Gabrielle bemoans her shift from not killing to actively participating in murder. This is a bit melodramatic. In actuality, the final decision as to whether or not Crassus lives or dies is never hers, it is Caesar's. If anything, she's an accessory to a citizen's arrest, not murder. Gabrielle did society and Vercinix a favor by bringing a violent criminal to justice.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS EP

• Caesar, You're So Vain, I Bet You Think This Plan Is About You
• Running Rings Around the Romans
• Pig Latin
• Political Threesome
• Let's Make A Deal

THEME SONG FOR THIS EP

ABBA's "Money, Money, Money" becomes "Power, Power, Power" as sung by Caesar and Xena:

Caesar:
"I scheme all night, I plot the ways to take over all of Rome someday,
Ain't it grand!
And no matter what I do or say, Xena still gets in my way,
Makes me mad!
In my dreams I am THE MAN,
And I have the perfect plan,
To rid me of Pomp and Crass and Xena and the blond lass,
Power, Power, Power!
I make men cower,
In my brutal world!"

Xena:
"I outwit Caesar with my mind, take pleasure kicking his behind,
Ain't it great!
He thinks he has the best of me, Oh Caesar, just you wait and see,
Your mistake!
Got Vercinix and Gab in tow,
Gotta get the hell outta Rome,
You have lost and I have won, gee, Caesar it's been fun,
Power, Power, Power!
It's the hour,
To rock Caesar's world!"

FASHION STATEMENTS: BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL

• Vercinix the brawlin' Gaul--the long unkempt hair, the grime, the sweat, the leather--ooooo! swarthy never looked sooo sexy.
• The big, beefy, bare chested Roman horn blowers.
• Forget pockets and handbags, Xena and Gabrielle's cleavage is where it's at...literally; the carryall for a breast dagger, a Xena dollie, a dungeon key mold, and the Imperial ring.
• Caesar's gold laurel leaf headband and his white and purple power toga with gold laurel leaf appliqué.
• Xena's sleeveless, drapey, gossamer, gold trimmed red dress with matching red veil and gaudy gold headpiece.

FASHION STATEMENTS: UGLY AND UNBECOMING

Caesar and Pompey's unattractive, 'looks like I'm camouflaging a receding hairline' comb forward coif. What is this? The official hairdo of Rome?

BURNING QUESTION

Why is Xena so darn cranky throughout this ep? Granted, this is Caesar she's dealing with, but Xena seems more confrontational and aggressive than usual. Did she sleep on a rock?

TROPHY TIME

Roman soldiers capture Vercinix, the Gaelic rebel, and present him to Caesar.

JC: "So, the legend is lacking. Not quite the god the stories made you out to be."
V: "Mortals can be conquered Caesar, but you'll never conquer Gaul. My people--"
JC: "Your people mean nothing to me. I only want you, Vercinix, because with you, I'm going to secure an empire."

OUT OF THE FRYING PAN AND INTO THE FIRE

Xena rescues Crassus, who was captured by Syrians, moments before his execution. She gallops into the fray, lassos, and drags him to safety.

C: "Xena, I'm reluctant to thank you for saving me. After all, last time I saw you, you swore you'd kill me on sight."
X: "That was before you became useful."
C: "Crassus, member of the Triumvirate of Imperial Rome, useful to Xena?"
X: "I'm going to trade you for Vercinix."

TRIUMVIRATE--LATIN FOR MENAGE A TROIS

Gabrielle gets an introduction to the Byzantine and treacherous world of politics and political allegiances.

G: "Triumvirate, what's that?"
X: "Three warlord rulers, instead of one."
C: "Warlords? Far from it, it's politics. It's all about--"
X: "Power, nothing more. Caesar, Pompey, and Crassus share control of Rome and it's provinces. Each serves to balance the other. They hate each other, but they can't live without each other."
C: "Yes, Xena, it is about power. The appearance of it, the possession of it, the wielding of it--you're quite familiar with it, aren't you?"

BELOW THE BELT BAITING

Talk of politics soon turns personal, as it often does, and Crassus decides to pick on the Princess.

C: "This isn't about Vercinix, is it?"
X: "Go on, tell us."
C: "Assassination. Caesar's blood on your blade. This is your way of getting to him."
G: "You're wrong."
C: "Am I? Have you ever seen Xena around him? Her judgment gets a little impaired and others suffer."
X: "Well, I'm over that."

HOW NICE OF YOU TO DROP IN

As Caesar and Pompey squabble over an aqueduct, a soldier interrupts them:

"Caesar! There's someone Here to see you. To be honest, sir, we couldn't keep her out, she's unarmed, but--"
P: "She?"

*Xena enters the room like a steamroller, backhanding soldier boy out of her way. Gabrielle brings up the rear*

C: "Xena? This is impossible, how...how can you just...this is Rome, you can't--"
X: "There's a sentence in there just dying to get out. Sorry about your soldiers. We were playing tag in the Forum and I gotta tell you, they don't lose well."
P: "This is Xena?"
C: "Yes, an old friend, enemy, friend--I forget where we left off."
X: "We weren't on speaking terms."

YOU SCRATCH MY BACK AND I'LL SCRATCH YOURS

Pompey asks Xena what brings her to Rome.

X: "Oh, Crassus."
P: "Crassus is dead."
X: "Crassus has an army, he's got money, and I got him." *flashes Crassus' Imperial ring*
C: "I see. And you're just going to hand him over to me."
X: "As soon as you give me Vercinix."
C: "Vercinix? That's no small request. His capture means a lot to my people."
X: "I'll send over the finger that this (the Imperial ring) belongs on tomorrow. After that, I'll be more creative."

SHOW ME THE MONEY

Before Caesar will agree to a trade, he wants to see Crassus, so, Xena blindfolds Caesar and takes him to the hideout. Caesar greets his ally with an insult:

"Look at you. Captured and chained by a woman that I captured and chained."

Caesar plays the 'Pompey and I will do just fine without you' game until Crassus corrects his misconception; Caesar then changes his mind and promises to make the switch:

"Unfortunately, the trade can't happen immediately. I've already planned a little party for this evening to show off Vercinix. "

Caesar then addresses Xena:

"I'd like you to accompany me, without your weapons, of course."
X: "Whatever it takes. Let's get this over with."

THE PLAN, THE WHOLE PLAN, AND NOTHING BUT THE PLAN

X: "I'll come back to the boat when I'm done scouting around. When this starts moving, it's going to move fast."
G: "And that's assuming I can get Crassus into the cell?"
X: "You have to do it. Caesar is not going through with this trade, that's why we have to make the trade with Vercinix. By the time he discovers it's Crassus in the cell, it'll be too late."
G: "And that's the plan, right? The whole plan?"
X: "What are you getting at?"
G: "Look, I know you want Vercinix out, but I want to make sure there's not another part of the plan you're not telling me. You know, like--"
X: "Like assassinating Caesar."
G: "Yeah, like that."
X: "Gabrielle, this is no time for you to have a crisis of faith. You have got to trust me. I am not going to give into that."

GABRIELLE, THINK OF IT AS A MERCY KILLING

As the plan unfolds, Gabrielle discovers her actions may result in Crassus' untimely demise:

G: "Xena, I cannot send a man to his death."
X: "A man? Crassus stopped being a man a long time ago. The village of Gardenis was his crowning achievement. It surrendered to him without a fight. He then crucified over 100 men, women, and children along the Appian way."

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Xena makes quite the entrance at Caesar's shindig. Pompey takes notice and decides to make conversation with the lady in red. He's careful to stay out of the line of fire as Xena spits grape seeds.

P: "So, why do they call you The Warrior Princess?"
X: "Because Caesar was taken."
*Pompey laughs*
P: "I like you."
X: "Don't. I'm not a likable person."
P: "Neither am I, but even common enemies can make friends overnight."
X: "Common enemies--anyone in particular?"
P: "Don't assume all of Rome loves Caesar. These people are impressed by his victory over Vercinix, but there are those who wouldn't cry over Caesar's death."

EXCUSES, EXCUSES OR I'LL TAKE THAT AS A 'NO'

During the party, Caesar escorts Xena to the dungeon to meet Vercinix. Under the guise of introductions, Xena makes a mold of the dungeon key. Caesar signals 'time's up' and walks away only to block Xena's path in a narrow dungeon passage.

C: "Prison hardly seems the proper place to tell you this, but you look incredible. Roman finery becomes you."
X: "We're not going down that road, this is business."
C: "It's never just business between us, Xena. It's hatred, war, conflict, and it's love." *leans in for a kiss*
X: "I gotta go to the bathroom, are we done yet?"

GOING UP, GOING DOWN

As Gabrielle sleeps, Crassus finds a way undo the rope binding his hands and escape. He slowly creeps up the stairs to the ship's deck, but he encounters an obstacle--Xena's foot. With a crash and a bounce, he's back where he started.

UP TO HER NECK IN AN ETHICAL QUAGMIRE

Gabrielle has cold feet about her role in Xena's switch-a-roo plan.

G: "I want to talk about this. There's got to be another way."
X: "There's not."
<snip-o-rama>
X: "If I could accomplish my plan without Crassus dying, then fine, but if this means his death, then so be it. We can't think about it."
G: "Oh no, I can't avoid it. You're making me be a part of murder and you're being so casual about it."
X: "It's not about being casual, it's about focus."
G: "Focus on Caesar."
X: "Drop it, Gabrielle. This is about saving a good man. Crassus is a cold blooded murderer. I've seen his handiwork."
G: "I'll do my part."
X: "Good."

I'LL GET YOU AND YOUR LITTLE BARD TOO

Xena is hanging out in Caesar's palace. She spies a dagger on a table and picks it up as Pompey enters the room.

P: "Caesar has no intention of trading Vercinix for Crassus. And more than that, he sent Brutus out to find your friend Gabrielle."
X: "You mean Crassus."
P: "No, it's your friend he wants. He seems to think she has some sort of power over you. He wants that power."

This puts Xena in a very pissy mood. She asks Pompey what the dagger is for and what he hopes to gain. He replies:

"If Caesar and Crassus weren't in the way, I could do many things. For one, I could release the Barbarian."

Pompey leaves the Princess to ponder the possibilities.

IT'S JUST MY WAY OF SAYING 'HELLO'

Caesar foils Xena's 'assassination' plot, unaware her capture is just a part of her larger plan.

C: "I can't believe you would double cross me just as I was about to double cross you."
X: "How'd you know?"
C: "You have one obsession, Xena, that's me. And because of it, I have you and I have Vercinix. And somewhere, out there, is an irritating blond about to follow a plan that no longer exists."

IN THE CLINK

Xena and Gabrielle reunite in the dungeon. They explain the switch-a-roo plan to Vercinix and then set it in motion. While Xena stalls for time with the gladiators, Vercinix dons Roman soldier duds and helps Gabrielle place Crassus in Vercinix's cell.

GRECIAN GLADIATRIX

Forget 'American Gladiators'--their stupid names (Turbo, Starr, Nitro) and sissy challenges (climb a rope ladder, put a rubber ball in a basket). Rome is the real deal. You lose, you die. Xena does her stint as Gladiator bait in the Forum. It's painful to watch Xena pull her punches; she certainly takes a beating--on the chin, on the head, and in the face. She even gets a ground level tour of the Forum as she's dragged behind a horse. But the tables turn, 'The Warrior Princess on the Warpath' music plays, and the leather clad pony boys are in biiiiiiig trouble now.

TO RING OR NOT TO RING, THAT IS THE QUESTION

Gabrielle is about to put the Imperial ring on Crassus' finger when Vercinix pipes up:

"Wait! Never mind. I owe you my life so I won't stop you, but Crassus and I will meet again. We have a blood debt to settle from Gardenis."

Vercinix tells Gabrielle how Crassus crucified his brother's family. Gabrielle realizes the Gardenis story is all too true and that Crassus is a very bad, bad man. What's a life lovin', peace persuin'' grrl to do?

OFF WITH HIS HEAD

Caesar works the bloodthirsty crowd into a frenzy. "Citizens of Rome, what you've been waiting for--the death of the barbarian Vercinix!"

As the Roman guards unmask the prisoner, Caesar and Pompey do a 'funny, you don't look like a barbarian' double take. It's Crassus. Ooops. What to do? Pompey give Caesar the 'well, it's your mess, you clean it up' look. Meanwhile, Crassus regains his faculties and realizes his dire predicament. He looks for his ring--not there; he shouts into the stands and implores Gabrielle to: "Tell them who I am! Go on, tell them!"

Caesar's toga is in bunch--he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. So, he does. He orders the execution. Gabrielle watches for a moment longer,  then turns and walks away, pausing when she hears the 'thunk' of metal passing through flesh into wood. Ewww!

SCENES THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...

Gabrielle is deep in thought as she leans on the ship's railing and stares at Crassus' Imperial ring . Xena approaches and joins her.

G: "I don't know what's happening to me, Xena. I did something that I never thought I'd be able to do, I played judge, jury, and executioner."
X: "You only did what I told you to."
G: "You said Crassus living or dying wasn't the point. I had a choice, I made it."
X: "Gabrielle, I put you into a situation I had no right to. I expected you to understand my logic and ignore your heart."
G: "But I know you were right."
X: "It wasn't right for you. That's not who you are. If I had to do this all over again--"
G: "You'd still do it."
X: "If I could find another way, I would, but I wouldn't include you."
G: "Yeah, but I'd be hurt if you didn't."
X: "How many more times are you going to follow me into battle, huh? How many more times am I going to hurt you? You are the most dear thing to me in all the world, and yet, instead of protecting you--"
G: "I'm here because I want to be here. I love you, Xena."
X: "I love you too, Gabrielle."

QUIBBLES

I can't believe I'm going to complain about this, but Xena and Gabrielle's declarations of "I love you" are flying fast and furious this season: The Debt 2, Maternal Instincts, Bitter Suite, One Against An Army, and now this ep. I'm at the point where I expect 'the declaration' each week. Too much of a good thing and it loses it's impact. I'd much rather *see* than *hear* expressions of love (may I suggest: a hug, a high five, a hair ruffle, a peck on the  cheek, a friendly 'athlete' pat on the ass, and/or a noogie).

KIBBLES AND BITS

• Vercinix looks awfully familiar...could he be the same guy who played the loony Athenian solider chanting, "Kaltaka, Kaltaka!" in The Price?
• The music playing as the ship sails to Rome reminds me of Destiny's sailing song.
• Caesar's Palace (TPTB just couldn't resist the Vegas reference. What--no Charo? No Wayne Newton?)
• Prissy, prancing, pompous Pompey (this actor also played Palemon in Blind Faith). He's just shy of fey, wouldn't you say? Whaddaya bet he knows Vidalis ;)
• Xena and Gabrielle sharing a 'can you believe this guy?' eyerolling moment as Pompey explains his Magnus-ness.
• Xena pulling her hand away from Caesar's when he attempts to kiss it.
• Xena and Gabrielle's heated discussion about 'the plan' in the ship's hold: Gabrielle's progressive use of physical, attention getting tactics--a hand on Xena's arm, a hand on her shoulder, and then the double handed 'whoa nellie' arm grab.
• The Roman citizens thumbs down Siskel and Ebert impersonation.
• The Imperial ring's swan dive into the sea.

DRAG RACING

No, I'm not talking about a bunch of drag queens doing a quick change costume contest...I'm talking about Xena's penchant for a certain mode of transportation. This certainly is the season for traveling behind a horse. In The Debt 1, Xena takes one of Lao Tzu's soldiers for a drag through the dirt; Xena does the same to Gabrielle in Bitter Suite. This episode shows Xena on both ends of the rope. She drags Crassus and, later, in the Forum, Roman Gladiators give Xena a taste of her own medicine. Who says there's no such thing as karma?

SCENES TOO SAD TO SEE AGAIN

• Gabrielle's pained and empathetic expression as she watches Xena drag Crassus behind Argo.
• Gabrielle wrestling with her conscience as Crassus is lead to the chopping block.

QUICK--HIT THE REWIND BUTTON

• Xena's entrance into Caesar and Pompey's lair, the arrogant 'outta my way' attitude.
• Xena at Caesar's party: spitting seeds, brandishing a knife, carving fruit, and giving off 'don't touch me' vibes.
• Gabrielle's Olympic worthy 'peg the prisoner' javelin throw.
• Gabrielle faking falling down drunk and browbeating a no good husband.
• Xena's avoid the snare leap and splat! landing.
• Fracas in the Forum: Xena kicking gladiator butt.
• Xena and Gabrielle's 'meeting of the minds and hearts' sensitive chat on the ship's deck--the hair stroking and hand holding.

XENA SAYS THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

Crassus: "Xena."
Xena: "Hello, Crassus. How's your backside?"

"Tough guy, huh?"

GABRIELLE SAYS THE DARNEDEST THINGS

"Here, hope you like gruel."

Gabrielle to Caesar: "She won't hurt you as long as you have me."

Crassus: "I thought you were different from her. I thought you had a regard for life no matter whose."
Gabrielle: "You're not going to die, Crassus."

"You slob of a husband, I can't take it anymore! Take that in the tavern, I'll show you! No, no, you've got the wrong blonde! I'll take you all on!"

"I'm telling you, I ain't never been drinking...drunken...drunk."

XENA'S SKILLS

• Kidnapping
• Ransom
• Assassin (granted, she wasn't really trying, but she faked well)
• Jail breaking
• Seed Spitting
• Gladiatorial Moving Target

GABRIELLE'S SKILLS

• Fluffing Pillows
• Following Directions
• Javelin Throwing
• Slipping Crassus a Mickey
• Drunk and Disorderly
• Judge, Jury, and Executioner

HAIKU! BLESS YOU

Pompey chatters on
While I eat fruit and spit seeds
Oops, was that your boot?

SCENES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

After Xena pulls Crassus off the ground (post dragging), Gabrielle sidles up to him and whispers: "Been there, done that."

~~~~~

Gabrielle and Vercinix are in the Forum's dungeon. Vercinix asks to see Crassus' Imperial ring. Gabrielle reaches into her cleavage and accidentally pulls out her Xena dollie.

V: "What is that?"
G: "Nothing! Just some, uh, lint."
V: "Lint?"
G: "Yeah, lint--kind of like belly button lint, you know, breast lint."
*gives a wan, thin-lipped smile*
V: "No, I didn't know." *grunts* "Women's stuff, I'll have to ask Mendela about that."
*Gabrielle quickly stuffs Xena dollie back in cleavage and pulls out the ring*
G: "You wanted to see the ring?"
*Vercinix gives the ring a cursory look*
V: "Nice ring." *pauses* "Gabrielle?"
G: "Yeah?"
V: "Could I see the lint? I swear, it looked like a doll."
G: *laughs nervously* "See it? The doll? Er, I mean the lint?"
V: "So it is a doll!"
G: "Um..."
V: "Aw, come on."
G: "I don't--"
V: "Please? I swear I won't tell anyone."
G: *sighs in resignation* "Oh, all right." *slowly reaches into cleavage, extracts dollie, and holds it up for inspection*
V: "Wow." *leans forward to get a closer to look* "May I hold it?"
*Gabrielle reluctantly gives the dollie to Vercinix; she nervously picks at a loose thread on her Amazon mini skirt*
V: "This is really intricate. Is it ceremonial?"
G: "Kind of."
V: "A voodoo doll?"
G: "No."
V: "Fertility doll?"
G: "Gods, I hope not!"
V: "Good luck charm?"
G: "I think so."
V: "A toy?"
G: *smiles* "You could say that."
V: "Where did you get this?"
G: "I...I made it. Do you always ask so many questions?"
V: "Yes, I do."
G: *mutters to self* "Now I know how Xena feels."
V: "Who is it supposed to be?"
G: "Ah.." *clears throat and mumbles unintelligibly* "Xena."
V: "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I didn't hear you."
G: "Xena." *blushes furiously*
*Vercinix stares at Gabrielle with surprise, then with a knowing grin, and gently punches Gabrielle on the shoulder*
V: "Kinky."
G: "It's not what you think--"
V: *holds up hand to stop her protest* "Gabrielle, think you can make me one of Mendela?"

~~~~~

Gabrielle and Xena walk away from the Forum.

G: "Xena, you've got a bit of dirt on you." *begins dusting off Xena's backside*
X: "It's from being dragged around the Forum."
G: "Dragged eh?"
X: *grunts and rolls her stiff shoulders*
G: "Smarts doesn't it?" *evil grin*
X: "Gabrie--"
G: "Cheap shot, I know." *placatingly pats Xena's arm* "I couldn't resist."
X: "What goes around comes around, eh?" *smiles at Gabrielle* "What really bothers me, though, it'll be days before I get all the sand out of my unmentionables."
G: "I've had experience with that too. Doing this helps."
*stands in place and violently shakes whole body *
X: "Gabrielle, you're acting like a dog that fell in a water trough. I'm not going to do that."
G: *defensive*" But it works."
X: "You look ridiculous."
G: "Xena, who's going to see you?"
X: "With my luck, someone I know."
G: "You can tell them it's a rain dance."
*Xena give a snort of laughter*
G: "Mating dance?"
X: *gives Gabrielle The Look* "I have enough trouble with the blue eyes and leather."
*They stroll in silence: Xena begins to scratch and curse under her breath. Gabrielle sighs and forcibly pulls Xena off the road into the bushes; she loosens Xena's clothing and armor, wiping the sand away. Xena patiently endures the brush down for a few minutes*
G: "Will you look at all this? We could build a nice sized sand castle."
X: "Gabrielle?"
G: "Hmm?"
X: "I'm quite capable of getting the sand myself."
G: "Are you complaining?"
X: "No."
G: "Do you want me to stop?" *glances at Xena with a raised eyebrow*
X: "No, no, don't stop, please...continue."
G: "Don't be getting any ideas, Princess."
X: "Who me?" *gives Gabrielle an innocent look*
*Gabrielle shakes her head, smiles, and continues her search for sand*
X: "I don't recall getting any sand there."
G: "Says you."
*Gabrielle's hand moves again; Xena gasps, her eyes open wide and, suddenly, snap shut. Gabrielle grins wickedly and continues to move her hand*
X: "I don't know what you're looking for, Gabrielle, but may I suggest you go a little...to the...left..."

DISCLAIMER

Caesar's Palace was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Crassus and the gladiators were down for the count.

TAUNT ME, TEASE ME, NEXT WEEK'S EP

Gabrielle must decide whether it is better to endure the bad and good memories, or to erase both altogether. So, she travels to the temple of Mnemosyne seeking a more permanent form of selective memory loss than a weekend drinking binge.

LaLa